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How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

In the bible, two primary laws underpin marriage success. Husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands. Love and respect go hand in hand; it is like a chicken before the egg or egg before the chicken. Whenever a husband genuinely and unconditionally loves his wife, I am pretty sure the wife will adore and much honour her husband. A wife full of adoration and honour for her husband will make him behave more lovingly towards his wife. These two acts go on to influence each other. However, where the issue has been for marriages in turmoil is when one partner is waiting to do their share because the other partner is not doing their role. People tend to pin the kick start of the relationship on the woman. Women are the ones that build the home and control the marriage’s atmosphere many cultures believe. 

A woman who loves her husband will honour, adore, and respect him.

However, women take this on, and some men take advantage of it. The woman is left to keep the marriage while her husband may not reciprocate. If this goes on, resentment and rebellion build up.  We have looked at how husbands can be loving to their wives in a previous post. Even though women are not asked expressly in the bible to love their husbands, generally we are all called to living a loving and caring life. Hence, a woman who loves her husband will honour, adore, and respect him.

You can also read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

Below are four ways women can become loving wives to our husbands.

Accept your husband as your man

1 Corinthians 11:8 says for man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. Understanding that in our marriage as women, we are made to be the helpmeet of our husbands can help us simplify our role. I must tell you being a helpmeet does not come naturally, but through searching and asking God, we can devote our lives to serve and support. As a wife, our role is to support our husbands and do what they may not do or do not want to do. 

As a wife, our role is to support our husbands and do what they may not do or do not want to do.

This can be tricky when a man does not do his responsibility as a man and the head. When a man leaves all his responsibility to the woman, she becomes her own husband and a wife at the same time. It takes understanding and wisdom to choose to honour and submit in that situation deliberately. Unfortunately, this is the scenario in so many marriages, making it uneasy for the woman who bears the burden to continue to endure hardship and still be loving. However, we can ask for grace and wisdom to still find ways to love and honour our husbands. Why do we need to do that? Because we are subject to God’s authority and order. If a woman refuses to accept her husband as her man, he will not become the man she wants him to be. 

If a woman refuses to accept her husband as her man, he will not become the man she wants him to be.

I will encourage women to ask for the grace to continue to hold their husbands in high esteem because of our role as the wife. Remember you are a wife because of that man, and our main task is to honour and support him to be the best God has called him to be. Without our acceptance of our role and the order, we risk behaving unlovingly to our husbands.

Ensure that his physical, emotional, and sexual needs are met

Men need help and hence the reason God made us their helpmeet. If you ask a man if he needs help, some would probably say no am ok by me. Yes, a man may be ok by himself, but he cannot fulfil the mandate to dominate the world as God commanded without a woman. For example, a man cannot reproduce without a woman’s help. So as women, we are to ensure we help our husbands fulfil the commands God has given them. We must see that our husbands are well cared for, look for his wellbeing, comfort, and rest. Nothing a man wants more than coming home to a nice dinner, well prepared and served just for him. We can also be the loving wife our husband desire is to be a refuge for his emotional support. Men care so much about their emotions, and if tinkered with, they will withdraw it completely. 

Men care so much about their emotions, and if tinkered with, they will withdraw it completely.

Therefore, we must learn how to respond to our husbands’ feelings and emotions.  Men and women express and manage emotions differently, to be able to understand men, we must enter their world. I recently read the bestselling book by John Gray – ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’. This book provides excellent and great insights into how men and women process emotions. It gives women practical ways to support men and be a safe place of refuge for our husbands’ feelings. We cannot overemphasise the need to meet our husband’s sexual needs. Sex is for marriage and should be enjoyed by both spouses. However, research has shown that men often have a higher sex drive than women, although not in all cases. There are exceptions where some men have reduced libido. Men love sex and would do anything to have sexual satisfaction and release. A loving wife would make sex enjoyable and be available to satisfy her husband. 

A loving wife would make sex enjoyable and be available to satisfy her husband.

Our goal ladies should be to make our husbands be ravished with our love, such that he is running back home to have a good sexual experience. Good sex has more to do with intimacy rather than the act itself. How you make your husband feel before, during and after sex has a lot to do with how much you love him. There are so many ways: men can make this happen because it does take two to tango. We will look at that in the future; this post is for us women. Let there be so much love in your heart for your husband; it will reflect your sexual experience.  

Speak with a soft tone and respect

Words are powerful, and with our words, we can build up our husbands or ruin them. You know, as women, we are blessed with the gift of words. Most women have their way with words. This is an area of challenge for me, and the Lord has helped me grow and mature. Most women have small frames compared to their husbands, we may not be able to abuse our husbands physically, but we are experts at verbal abuse and damage.  A loving wife will speak with a loving tone and respect. It is often not what we say that gets to our husband but more to do with how we said it. 

It is often not what we say that gets to our husband but more to do with how we said it.

A gentle response turns away, wrath the Bible admonished. I agree some people are naturally quiet, lowly and meek, oh how I wish I were softly meek naturally.  However, having a bubbly and extroverted temperament, does not mean we cannot be gentle and submissive. The Bible says, tame your tongue; we have to be soft and respect our husbands. We are often cautious and respectful to other men, yet we may have allowed familiarity to breed contempt with our spouse. To be a loving wife, we have to honour and respect our husband deliberately and reflect that in our speech, tone of voice and attitudes.

Suggested Read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Focus on making your home a safe place to return to for your husband

A home is welcoming, warm, happy and safe. We can have a big house furnished to a great taste but not a home. The dictionary defines a home as a place where someone lives permanently and a house as a building where people live or meet. You can move from house to house and make it your home. As a loving wife, we must never let our home become just a house or a hell for our husband. 

As a loving wife, we must never let our home become just a house or a hell for our husband.

If we have this at the back of our mind, we will respond with love even when we misunderstand each other, because we want our husbands to come home to a peaceful place. If the argument or issue will cost your peace, it is too expensive, and the price is too high to pay. We must learn to guard your home’s harmony; a loving family is a peaceful home. Let your husband come home to a quiet place no matter what he may have gone through outside. One significant way we unintentionally make our home unpleasant is being a contentious wife.  Oh, we must do all to avoid being contentious. Proverbs 25:24 paints the picture well “it is better to live outside and exposed to elements than inside and exposed to the abuse of a controversial and quarrelsome wife.

Loving is a choice, and it requires intentionality, knowledge, and sacrifice. Women, we are equipped with the capacity to love and I know many circumstances affect our loving attitudes. However, let us choose to love anyway; it may turn cold husbands’ hearts and save our marriages.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How to be a loving husband to your wife

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

I have often come across and spoken to men who want to love their wives and cherish them but do not understand what they are doing wrong, even though they are doing their best. I have realised that their actions may not convey the very message of love they are trying to pass on to their wives. The way we receive love is the natural and more comfortable approach; we often want to reciprocate that love. It can become difficult and frustrating for a man trying to show his wife love but doing so the manner he understands. For example, showing a man love can mean giving him space to be alone for some time when he feels being sucked in or choked by life. Yet a man trying to show love to his wife by staying away when she is in deep distress may have just shot himself in the foot.

Most women’s very nature is to find a pillar of support to lean on when their world is turning upside down.

Most women’s very nature is to find a pillar of support to lean on when their world is turning upside down. A spouse being there to understand, help, and comfort would mean the world to her. These differences are why men and women find it difficult to understand each other initially and loathe one another as time goes by in a marriage. But the moment a wife or husband understand the mystery of speaking and giving love the way, their partner wants to be loved, the moment they become inseparable and best friends.

This understanding comes easily and naturally for most people if they have been exposed to women and pick up these traits. Other men may not have paid attention to these traits or refuse to develop and deploy them in their marriage. When a man lacks the skills to love the way a woman desires, the result is then determined by their commitment to making that marriage work. If the man wants to keep his marriage, he quickly begins to learn and apply these pearls of wisdom. Sadly, not in many cases, as we can see in divorce rates and physical violence, leading to the dissolution of marriages.

Suggested Read: Trust Me – two powerful words that can make or break your marriage

One of the many ways to become an expert in any area is by study and applying knowledge and skills gained.

Therefore, men must learn how to love and express love to women in the language women understand and desire. One of the many ways to become an expert in any area is by study and applying knowledge and skills gained. Learning does not mean one has no knowledge or does not know what one is doing; it is simply becoming better at what we are doing. Therefore, I will encourage men to begin to find out and apply how to truly love a woman to satisfy and bring harmony into their marriage.

Below are four tips to becoming a loving husband.

Always Take Decisions Together as a couple 

When you are careful to consider your spouse when making plans and taking decisions, she will always feel cherished and respected. Many men act autonomously and expect their wives not to lift a finger without their knowledge. If as a leader, you are not leading by example, you are not leading correctly. The action they say speak louder than voice. Let me share this story with you. As a parent, I have been trying to get my teenage daughter to create a schedule and keep it even during this pandemic. I have spoken about it many times, but the day I brought my schedule and showed her, we analyse how it has been helping me keep sane, and in order, it made an impact. I was shocked to see her make a drastic change the very next day. 

If as a leader, you are not leading by example, you are not leading correctly.

Do unto others what you want others to do unto you is a guide that can help husbands love more but when it comes to an understanding a wife, you cannot apply what satisfy you as a man. We must apply what works and resonate with the woman, which comes with knowing. The first point is to ask our spouse how they like to receive love. Be vigilant to record actions that make them feel love and repeat those actions. Don’t make decisions that will affect the family without consulting your spouse. 

Accept your spouse as your equal partner in the marriage

Many cultures and traditions have made some men have beliefs that are detrimental to their marriage success. Some men believe they are superior to their wives because they are the head or the breadwinner. This attitude can make them demean their wives, which does not convey a loving attitude. 

Some men believe they are superior to their wives because they are the head or the breadwinner.

Jesus was equal to God, but He did not consider that glory, He laid it down to become a man like us to relate with us lovingly. Let us imagine God comes down in His full glory, and I doubt if anyone will be able to fellowship with Him as Jesus’s disciples did. Jesus is a servant leader; He is the role model for leadership with equity. He ate the last supper and washed His disciples’ feet. He never let them feel his weight as God, but He ravished them with His love. This made the disciples leave everything to follow and even become martyrs for the Kingdom. Love your wife and relate with her without making her feel inferior. The truth is women are not inferior as the world may have made it to be because women are not created as inferiors but a suitable helpmeet. Male and female He created them to rule and dominate the world together. 

Treat your wife with dignity in front of your family and friends

I heard someone preach on marriage recently, he mentioned you must become “wife biased” to know you love your wife as you should. People around you should be able to commend you for the way you protect your wife in her presence or not. 

A man that disgraces his wife disgraces himself too.

A loving husband will protect his wife and not speak ill of her or insult her in any way. Leaving your wife stranded or exposing her weaknesses to your family and friends will not portray you as a loving husband. Learn to shield your spouse’s shortcoming in public and then go into your bosom to discuss it. A man that disgraces his wife disgraces himself too.

You must learn to listen to your wife with interest

Women love to share their feelings and talk, a thing woman need, not just a want. If a car needs petrol to function the way the manufacturer had stated when you purchased it. If you decide petrol is not a smell you like and you cannot be going to the fuel station to refuel as often as the car needs fuel, you can never enjoy the ride. Women need to talk about their day, they want to involve you in their activities, and as a loving husband, you must learn to be involved. You cannot say, “that is not my thing”, yes talking in detail may not be your need but it is her need, and you ought to be present to show you are loving. Loving is giving not receiving as most people tend to believe. To love is to lay down yourself for another. So, if you want to love that woman and you love her as you claim, what have you laid down for her sake? 

You can also read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Loving is giving not receiving as most people tend to believe.

These are fundamental truths and behaviours that show loving attitudes. Although for so many men, they have been misled to believe giving money, roses and sex mean love. They may work for a while, but deep, lasting love grows into attitudes and actions that follow. If money was all the love that can make a woman happy, then millionaires should not be having issues. If sex was all the love a woman needs, then those stallions should not divorce, and if pecks and shallow expression of love were enough, many marriages would not dissolve straight after the honeymoon. 

Why not decide to learn how to love and love so deep that nothing would be able to separate you and your spouse in your marriage today. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Be intentional about your marriage; success and failure of marriage are predictable.

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

Be intentional about your marriage, success and failure of marriage are predictable.

Focus and intention are qualities that separate successful people from unsuccessful people. Some people have no purpose or motive to make their marriage peaceful, rewarding, and enjoyable. Should you ask many couples today if they ever had the intention and were focussed on making their marriage a haven? Many people will probably not be able to answer that question easily. I certainly wanted a happy marriage, but I cannot categorically state that it was my mission and focus from the onset. I had it at the back of my mind, but never really discussed it or made it a focal point or topic of discussion. Things we do not put at the front burner of our lives tend to recede into the very far corner, and we end up losing focus on what we ought to exactly put our focus on. 

The husband asked his wife to allow their home to be a peaceful haven for him to come back to each night

Recently I read an article on a couple who had been married for seven years, they were quizzed on the secret of their happiness in the marriage so far. The husband asked his wife to allow their home to be a peaceful haven for him to come back to each night. Therefore, whenever there was an issue that threatens the peace he so desired, he weighs the pros and cons of losing his peace. Hence he was able to make sound judgement and react accordingly. Given this perspective and focus, it was difficult for him to burst into arguments or scream at the top of his voice when offended. Why? Because he knew he would be disrupting the peace he was after. The wife also made her request, and this was that she would appreciate her husband’s support and encouragement in following her dreams. She had a focus and ability to create a peaceful and loving home just as her husband was her greatest cheerleader. They were both fulfilled and had a reason to ensure they resolve any threats to their marriage. 

Whatever we set out to do with intentionality keeps us in check and aligned with our goals and objectives

Oh, how I wished I had such an intention at the start of my marriage. Whatever we set out to do with intentionality keeps us in check and aligned with our goals and objectives. For example,  many clashes in marriages could be resolved effortlessly, where the couples were intentional about keeping the peace. An argument over money which cannot buy peace would have been quenched easily by resolving the money issue rather than the couples turning on each other’s attitude or began a cold war. Challenges such as intrusions from in-laws or friends would be unblurred if the couple was intentional about keeping their intimacy. They will surely resist intervention and keep their marriage bond intact. 

Suggested Read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Success in marriage is not pure luck at all.

However, where there is no vision, people cast off restraint the bible says. In many instances where the couples are not intentional about loving each other through thick and thin, there is bound to be a failed marriage. Success in marriage is not pure luck at all. It requires commitment, dedication, getting up and showing up when one does not feel like doing so and focus on making the marriage enjoyable. Why not begin this new year with a focus and determination to make your marriage work. Once you know where they are going and what you want in a marriage, it is quite easy for you to identify and say no to things and people that will take you to another destination. It is just like waiting at a bus stop going to a particular destination, no matter how long it takes to wait for the bus heading to your destination, you will wait for it. Only a fool and someone who has no idea of where they were going will get to a bus stop and jump on another bus because their bus is taking too long to arrive. Why? Because they will never get to their destination if they get on another bus. However, should someone not have a place in mind already, they will be unable to decide which bus they will enter. They can jump any bus and take them anywhere because they never had any destination in mind. What happened to such people is they become frustrated; they cannot measure their success because they have no measure in the first instance. 

You can also read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your

Do not begin your marital journey without a clear focus of what you want from that marriage.

Do not begin your marital journey without a clear focus of what you want from that marriage. If you have already begun and have been married but frustrated because you never had focus or intention, it is not too late, to start with, a good destination in mind. May I suggest – a happy, peaceful, and beautiful marriage? You then decide what you need to do to make your relationship happy. It is not going to be an easy ride but with focus and intention, you can get off the wrong bus and the moment you decide to get on the right bus, you are on your way to your destination. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Trust Me – two powerful words that can make or break your marriage

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

A husband will thrive and do well when his wife trusts him completely and allow him to be the man he wants to be. A wife will be happy when her husband trusts her and accept word spoken as they are without any hint of doubt or mistrust. Men do not want to have a feeling of inadequacy and the moment a wife does not trust or have full confidence in her partner’s ability to provide, care or make a decision, the level of trust invested diminishes. To trust someone means you can rely on them, you have full confidence in their abilities, character, and integrity. Trust is gained by being tested, saying these two-word ‘TRUST ME’ will not suddenly make someone to trust you. Trust is won and bestowed when tested.  

Suggested Read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Recently I was reflecting on some of the reasons why I have a firm conviction that I married my husband. During our courtship, my boyfriend then now my husband was to pick me up from University, we had been told to go home due to a general strike. In those days mobile phones were not prevalent, we had agreed the date and time over a landline. However, that day came, almost everyone had left, and just a handful of students left in the hostel. At around 7 pm, the last bus for that day was leaving campus yet, my boyfriend had not shown up. I was torn between being left stranded on a remote campus and trusting that he will keep his promise and show up. 

Being young lovers, I trusted him to find his way down somehow. The last bus left, campus almost empty and darkness descended; then a headlight shone through the path. Behold it was my boyfriend indeed. He was so pleased I had trusted and waited for him, even though there was no means of communicating or updating each other, as we would nowadays.

He narrated the ordeal he had gone through to source fuel and then travelling to where I was. He also struggled with the thought that, I might assume he wasn’t going to show up. But he trusted I will wait for him and couldn’t afford to disappoint. I was grateful that I waited and trusted him, even though I face the danger of being left alone in an almost empty hostel on a remote site. I could only imagine the disappointment if I had left and he got there to meet no one after all the effort and ordeal! We were both pleased, happy and secure that we trusted each other. That event laid a strong foundation of trust in our relationship. 

Why am I sharing this story with you? 

Trust is the bedrock of a long-lasting marital relationship but, it is built by being tested. Failure in keeping promises closes the account of trust in a marriage or any other relationship. As a husband, you cannot lead a spouse you do not trust, and as a wife, you cannot follow a leader you cannot rely on.

Husbands and wives must protect their trust accounts by integrity and stability under pressure. If you break the trust, your spouse may forgive you, but it does not mean the account of trust will be restored in an instant. 

Forgiveness is not the restoration of trust; it means I give a chance to trust again. Trust is gained and restored over time, but it will be very difficult to rebuild than maintained.

The good news is, trust can be rebuilt, it will be harder each time you have to rebuild trust and it takes longer too. Yet, without trust, it is impossible to please each other. Stop blaming your spouse for not trusting you when you have failed to be trustworthy. When someone has let us down so many times, we may find it difficult to trust them again. It is easier not to trust someone who is not your spouse but, in a marriage that will survive and be happy, husbands and wives must keep learning to trust each other over and over again. 

Hebrews 11:6 says, without faith, it is impossible to please God. Why? Because you must first believe and trust that God exists even though you cannot see Him. 

Trust is like faith, it is like wifi that connects to the internet, but we cannot see it. We must have faith to continue to trust our partner if we want to remain connected as husband and wife in a loving relationship. Therefore, learn to trust your partner and learn to keep your promises, it helps to build trust. Guard your trust, it is a great virtue needed for a beautiful marriage. Remember trust is gained in times of need, especially when your spouse is not worthy of your intervention. When we rise above our feelings of inadequacy or judgement and we learn to be a supportive spouse, our partner will learn to trust us again. On the contrary, this is counter-intuitive because when someone lets us down, we want to withdraw our trust, support, and allow them to face the consequences, that can only worsen the situation and breed mistrust. 

You can also read: Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

If you are single, DO NOT marry someone you do not trust now and cannot trust in the future. Remember you cannot lead someone who does not trust you, neither can you follow someone you do not trust. 

Lastly, be a trustworthy spouse, trust is not won by mere request. I have heard many people say, “trust me”. No, we cannot request trust, it is earned, proven, and attained when we are stable under pressure and found trustworthy when tested. 

I pray your marriage will rest on a trustworthy foundation. Amen.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

Marriage is the union of two people who professed love for each other. When God created man, He noticed man needed a helpmeet to come alongside him. He created them male and female. God made male and female with distinct shape and different personality. God understand that a man is not going to think and behave like a woman. But God knows these two beings can live together in harmony if and when they understand each other. However, it is the lack of understanding and acceptance that men and women are different that causes issues in many marriages. Some men want women to understand them and behave like them. Some women cannot understand why men behave differently from them. The first step to solving or preventing marital challenges is the recognition and acceptance that men and women are different. An awareness that the two needs to understand each other’s differences and be willing to learn and tolerate each other. Below are some of the reasons why marriages face problems.

Lack of Knowledge

Ignorance, lack of experience, unawareness are some of the reasons marriage get into trouble waters as soon as husband and wife move and living together. The Bible recognises the need for knowledge as stated in Hosea 4:6 – “my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.” 

Couples who fail to recognise the laws and principles of marriage cannot thrive in marriage

Couples who fail to recognise the laws and principles of marriage cannot thrive in marriage. How do people get to know these laws and principles if they are not taught? Therefore, marriage education is important for any intending couple and those already married. Many people married in ignorance, not knowing exactly what they are getting into or who they are yoking themselves with. From the wealth of information, infodemic available and the awareness that love alone cannot sustain a marriage, men and women must no longer walk into marriage blindly. Dr Myles Munro in his church makes sure that couples registered to be marriage undergo at least nine months of marriage education and counselling. To his surprise, some couples realise they are not meant for each other and break up during this counselling period. Let us assume they did not have to go through such intense and long education, they will probably get married quickly and divorce quickly. Knowledge is power and very important that husband and wife should seek marital knowledge. For example, many men do not understand women and many women do not understand men either, yet these two people want to come together and become one flesh. Without knowledge, understanding and wisdom, they will always misunderstand each other. Men are known to communicate fact and are logical, they will interpret any word spoken literarily. Women on the other hand are metaphorical and can exaggerate when trying to communicate. When a woman says, “you never loved me”, it does not necessarily mean never- yet a man who does not know women, will take the word never as never and be offended. I have seen cases of men who have understood women accept that what a woman may be saying when she is emotional is only temporal and they never get offended. So also, women who lack an understanding that a man needs their space sometimes will feel rejected and unloved, if a man is pulling away. For a woman who has gained an understanding of men’s behaviour, they will be able to withstand such pulling away and allow the man to be himself when he needs to. But without knowing how can a man or woman get this understanding?

Suggested Read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your bond and friendship in a marriage.

Living in Disobedience 

I have checked and examined and can say that, when a marriage is troubled, it is very likely one or both spouses are living in disobedience to the word of God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, we so often quote this scripture, but it is the truth. As simple as this scripture is, if everyone who claims to be a Christian or a child and lover of God will strongly follow this one statement, the world and Christian marriages will be heaven on earth. Alas, we are not perfect and as Christians, we are work in progress. When a man or woman fears the Lord, they will easily forgive any offence that may come their way. So, if offences are forgiven and no record of wrongs are kept, what will contribute to the issues in marriage? When husbands and wives trust the Lord to provide and meet their needs, why would there be fights over money? If a man truly fears the Lord, what will cause him to commit adultery? If a woman loves the Lord, what urge would she not ask God to help her overcome? 

Obedience is better than sacrifice and there are consequences for disobedience.

Obedience is better than sacrifice and there are consequences for disobedience. Even though our heavenly Father is loving and forgiving, He is also a just God and will reward sin and disobedience. Although He does not wish that anyone perish, He saves us, but we still lose our inheritance if we continue to live in disobedience. That is why being a Christian does not exempt couples from facing the marital challenge if they decide to disobey the word of God and the laws of marriage. For example, one of the main laws of marriage is stated in Genesis 2 – “for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, the two shall become one flesh.” This law has been twisted and broken by tradition and many do not understand they are living in disobedience to God’s commandment. When a man refuses to leave as God commanded, he will not be able to cleave to his wife and does suffer the consequences. It is a taboo to ask a man to leave his father and mother in some culture, it is the wife that must join with the extended family. This ought not to be so, many are living in disobedience to God’s law and wondering why they are not enjoying the marriage. Another law of marriage is – “what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9). However, many husbands and wives separate themselves due to work, parents, travelling and relocation and all sorts of reasons that may seem good, but it is in disobedience to God’s law on marriage. Some couples live apart for months and years and expect their marriage to work and blossom. These should not be happening, unfortunately, culture and tradition have made people accept them as normal. It is disobedience to Gods law, what God has joined together, let no one including the couples themselves separate.  

You can also read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Distractions

Many couples are distracted and lack focus on what matters in a marriage, building a life together. A distraction is something that takes your attention away from what you are supposed to be doing. distraction is when you are dragged away from your task or your concern. Work, friends, family, economy and so many other issues are distracting many couples and thus pull them apart from each other. Social media constitute distraction nowadays. We will see husband and wife on their phones communicating with friends far and near yet have no time to communicate face to face or even on the same social media with each other. For some women, caring for the children and home can distract them from giving attention to their husband. Why have we allowed ourselves to be distracted from what matters? It all comes down to lack of knowledge, lack of wisdom and lack of understanding about marriage. Many men are distracted by other women, pornography and lust have made many to lose focus in their marriage. 

I want to encourage you today, if you are reading this, please look at the points we have discussed, although not in-depth as I would have loved to discuss it, I hope to write more on it later. What knowledge do you have about marriage? If you are single and looking to be marriage, how are you equipping yourself for marital life? Everyone that becomes an expert in a field has studied and studied hard. Yet we all desire a beautiful and blissful marriage with no yearning for learning and continuous learning. Let husbands and wives decide to learn about marriage, attend seminars etc. You do not need to wait until you hit troubled waters before getting advice on how to treat a woman well. Do not wait until your husband has battered you before you read about how to respect a man. Knowledge is acquired, it is not cheap nor free, you and I should and must invest in our marriages. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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I am naked and not ashamed! Is this your reality in your marriage?

by with No Comment Happy MarriageMarriage Dating Tips

When God created man and woman in the garden of Eden, he knew that couples in a marriage must be naked to each other. Naked here means openness and bear it all as is, without shame. So Adam and Eve were created without any form of covering. The bible tells us that they were both naked and not ashamed. However as soon as sin came into their lives, they started to cover up. 

I am not sure anyone would like other people to see their nakedness other than their spouse. If someone shows themselves unclothe to people publicly and unsolicited, it can be deemed a crime in England. Therefore, nakedness is meant to be explored within a particular setting and that in a marriage means, to bare it all without fear of committing a crime.

Suggested Read: The FAT Principles of marriage – TOLERANCE (Part 3)

Physical nakedness is just a representation of the other forms of nakedness that must exist in any marriage. Emotional nakedness, financial nakedness and physical nakedness are the parts of a healthy marriage. It is absurd that many couples would allow each other to see their physical nakedness, explore each other’s intimate body and securely guard their phones, conversations, bank accounts, and emotions. Do they ever wonder why there is no connection or intimacy in their sexual activity and marriage? 

Intimacy in marriage is created by openness, trust and “into me see” which is nakedness.

If a spouse cannot be vulnerable enough with their partner, the intimacy level will begin to diminish and before they know it, a wide gap has been created. Other forms of secrecy and lack of openness is not easily detected until there is a physical disconnect from both husband and wife.

A sexless marriage is an acute stage of lack of transparency and nakedness in a marriage relationship.

If sexlessness is not due to physical or health challenges, it may be due to lack of nakedness in the marriage. For any marriage to be healthy, grow and function the way God started it in the beginning, there must be no reason for any form of secrecy. It is very easy to miss the point that, being open and upfront with your spouse leads to intimacy and being secretive, guarded and shame leads to detachment.

A husband must be willing to disclose his struggles, fears and disappointment without any fear or shame. So also, a wife must be comfortable enough to share her hopes, failures, and frustration without feeling embarrassed.

This level of transparency can only be achieved when marriage is a safe place for both husband and wife. 

Similarly, individual maturity level can affect the level of transparency and openness. The family beliefs and practices can affect the level of trust a partner can bestow on their spouse. Unspoken prejudices and fears as well contribute to the level of trust a partner can give to their spouse. I discussed in one of the previous blogs and posts, trust is bestowed, earned, and cannot be requested. For some people, you do not need to prove your innocence before they give you the benefit of the doubt. Whereas for other people, you may never win their trust because they just cannot bestow trust, they find it difficult to trust easily.

It is therefore important for husbands and wives to understand that the level of trust, openness and nakedness in their marriage, will directly influence the level of intimacy, physical, emotional, and sexual satisfaction in their marriage.

You can also read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your bond and friendship in a marriage.

The moment you are closing physical doors to discuss issues, closing bank accounts, locking and passwording gadgets, phones become a danger zone, that is the moment you should realise you are no longer comfortable being naked in your marriage. If you are still going naked to have sexual intercourse, it is only a matter of time before you will realise you are no longer able to stand each other’s nakedness.

At this point, you need help, and that help is foundational, a need to be open and transparent. This is not topical help. 

It is not a matter of my spouse is not giving me sex or sexual satisfaction. 

Unfortunately, many people miss the core and foundation of the problem in their marriage. They want a quick fix or maybe they have no idea what the problem in the marriage truly is. Sadly, some couples reach out to friends, family, and foes to find a solution. They are advised to seek another relationship, cheat, or find pleasure another way, consequently leading to the ultimate demise of the relationship.

God has given us all the solution to any marital problem in His holy book, the bible. If you are single and courting, yet you are not able to see into the person you intend to marry, please stop.

Intimacy is not sex; intimacy is naked but not ashamed.

Your fiancé or fiancée must be able to share their lives openly without any fear or shame with you. You as well must have nothing to hide. Nothing must be up your sleeves. If you go into marriage with baggage that has not been explained, it will come out as weight not too long on your journey.

So, are you naked in your marriage?  Are you willing to be naked with your intending spouse?  If you are not able to share your nakedness in every aspect of life, you will not understand what marriage all is about. At best if husband and wife share only physical nakedness, what they have is far less than what God has intended for them. 

However, being naked is an individual decision and it depends on our comfort level when naked. Becoming naked cannot be forced; it can be influenced by our spouse, for example if one receives judgement and condemnation. It may not be easy to be vulnerable with a judgemental spouse. To attain the intimacy level that sustains a healthy marriage, partners must be willing to look ridiculous and not ashamed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

abiaplara.com(1)

Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

Marriage is a lifelong commitment which if one is not intentional, can easily become monotonous and unexciting. It is one of the many reasons why spouses get tired and try to pursue adventures outside of their marriage. However, it is not a valid excuse to ruin your marriage or cheat on your spouse.

There are many activities we take in life that required doing the same thing repeatedly. For example, becoming educated takes a long time, people simply do not abandon schooling because it is tedious and boring, they endure and determine to succeed. It is the determination to succeed in life that keeps one going and successful eventually. 

Most times some couples begin their marriage with the wrong mindsets and intentions. “I do not think it will work”. “Marriage is a necessary evil”. “Women are crazy”. “Men are wicked”. There are so many other thoughts, myths, and ideas we have been exposed to within our environments. These types of ideas sit at the back of our minds and plaque our marriages because we are a product of our environment.

To have a successful and passionate marriage, husband and wife must admit it is going to be a long journey.

They must have the desire to run the marriage marathon and reach the end successfully. Marriage is not a dash or sprint; therefore, it requires commitment. I have watched many London marathon in my lifetime and I have not seen a successful marathon runner without a strategy? People running a marathon without strategy and determination soon burn out and drop off before the finish line. Running a marathon is a mind game, it is strategic, sacrificial runners endured because of the expectation of satisfaction at the finish line. Husbands and wives must start their marriage with the intention to enjoy and keep working to enjoy their relationship.

Suggested Read: 5 ways to solve problems in your marriage

It is impossible to start a marriage and expect to enjoy forever without putting in effort daily to keep and maintain the relationship. Passion can help couples maintain and enjoy their marriage. What are your expectations for passion in your marriage? Passion is defined as a feeling of intense enthusiasm towards or compelling desire for someone or something. We must be passionate about our relationship with our spouse. Passion can range from eager interest in or admiration for an idea, proposal, or cause; hence the reason to have a passionate marriage in your mind.  

Are you passionate about your marriage? 

Passion ignites the flame and brings to life what is dull and dreary. Passion means you are enthusiastic and earnestly desire enjoyment in your marriage. If your main goal is to enjoy your marriage, you will be careful to do away with anything, people, idea, or motives that will steal or destroy your enjoyment.

Passion means you have strong attraction, excitement, or emotion towards your spouse. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire, though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust. Therefore, you must pursue your spouse with an authentic passion and realise that it needs to be sustained and intentional.

Once you can establish a good and success-oriented mindset about your marriage, then you need to add passion to the burning flame and continue to add to ensure it does not run out.

If you light a fire and do not feed it, the flame will die out.

The worrisome state of many marriages today is because some couples have neglected their passion for each other. What brought them together was passion, for some it may not even be love at first sight, but they developed passion for each other. As a husband you took some actions, you pursued and won the heart of your wife. As a woman, you made yourself available and open to receive love and gave love in return to your husband. The reason the initial passion fades away is that once people get married, they assume, their love will grow, or and deepen automatically. No that is the mistake many people have been making yet many are still making today. Love is active and requires maintenance.

Couples must also anticipate change and explore new ways of spicing up their marriages. You and your spouse are not going to remain the same forever. You are going to change as well as your partner. Are you anticipating change? Are we checking and maintaining our relationships, or we allow it to grow old and cold? As married couples, sometimes we are too comfortable with our status and forget to ignite passion in our marriages. 

What are you going to do differently today to restore passion into your relationship? 

The reason why many people seek new partners or cheat in a marriage is that they are seeking new thrills and adventures. You can continue to enjoy your husband or wife if you would renew your mind and put in the effort to keep your marriage passionate.

You can also read: Principles of Marriage: ACCEPTANCE (Part 2)

Do not throw away your relationship if it is dull and dreary, all you need is to ignite the passion and keep the fire burning. You and I must be intentional about our marriage relationship. I encourage you to invest in your marriage again, the thrill and passion you are seeking outside of your sacred marriage, can be found if you will bring back the spark you two once had.

I would love to hear from you if you took steps to bring back passion in your marriage.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

abiaplara.com_quote(1)

5 ways to solve problems in your marriage

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

Problem-solving skill is not just useful at work but vital to having a happy and harmonious marriage. Marriage is a learning journey, and couples need to develop skills and tools to help them overcome the many challenges they will face in their marriage. No marriage is problem proof, the difference between those couples who are thriving in marriage are those learning, unlearning, and re-learning what it takes to enjoy their marriage. It is therefore important for men and women to understand the need to develop many soft skills needed for a successful marriage.

“It only takes a few minutes to get married, but building a marriage requires a lifetime” – Myles Munro

I used to struggle with resolving conflict in my marriage, I wanted a win-win solution most times and whenever I don’t achieve that, it meant pain for me and as you can imagine trouble for my husband. But I soon realise, in marriage, one cannot and may not reach a win-win all the time. So how did I overcome my predicament?

I learnt about the five styles of conflict resolution – a course I took at work. Organisations are training team members and equipping staff to acquire the necessary skills to build a functioning and performing team. It is imperative that couples are taught how to develop the skills needed for working together as a team. 

The knowledge and skill gained have since helped me to avoid unnecessary pain, that I would have previously inflicted on my marriage because I wanted a win-win solution. 

Let me share them with you, I am sure you will find them useful in your relationship whether you are single or married. 

The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

Avoiding the Conflict

It is not all fight that is worth fighting, there are many times that couples fight over incidences that could have been easily overlooked by one or both. If your partner will nip and pick fight over evert little matter, be the one to avoid the fight. I have found this useful; it is just like giving way first when you are driving. 

Giving in

As a wife, you may need to give in a lot. But I will advise our husbands, learn to give in too for peace sake. Even though you may be in the right, I encourage you to cherish and protect your relationship over and above winning an argument. There is nothing worth losing your beautiful marriage relationship for. 

Standing your ground

There are situations you may need to take a stand. This should be sparingly used by both spouses. If you are being abused whether physical, psychological, economical, or emotional, you will need to take a stand and seek counsel fast before you are drained or find yourself in a precarious situation. If you feel threatened in your marriage, please do not wait until you are in complete danger, seek intervention. 

Compromising

This is what most couple default to initially in a marriage. Just giving in and not meeting your own need often leads to resentment and bitterness. When you compromise, make sure you are partially satisfied. 

Collaborating

This is the best way to solve a conflict, find a workable solution for yourselves. It may not happen all the time, but it should be your goal most of the times. Seek a win-win solution for any issues. Do not go ahead until you have both met each other’s need. This is love and sacrifice that makes a marriage work. Marriage should be collaborative and care for the other person. If you as a spouse is concerned about the welfare of your partner, you will not make a unilateral decision or be inconsiderate to the need of your spouse. 

There is power in learning, gaining new skills and knowledge which when applied becomes wisdom. Women and men need the wisdom to build their home and make their marriage experience a pleasant and joyful one.  

Don’t allow what you don’t know to deny you the opportunity, of creating and having a great marriage. But don’t just acquire knowledge, the joy of it is applying what you have learnt as wisdom.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

facts_part2

Principles of Marriage: ACCEPTANCE (Part 2)

by with No Comment Abi's SeriesHappy Marriage

Recently, as I was listening to one of the marriage counselling programmes, a man asked a question, which many people may have asked in the past. He said the lady he wants to marry does not speak good English and he is embarrassed whenever she comes around to see him. He was asking if he should marry the lady or not? This is what happens when we are not able to accept our spouse with their flaws that we recognise before marriage or the ones that will be discovered after marriage. 

Some partners are embarrassed and possibly nurse the idea of changing their spouse, if they have not yet made up their mind to change them. 

I was happy that this person realised they would have issues with being proud of their spouse if they went ahead and marry out of pity or for other reasons. They will be unable to accept this woman with her level of education, and therefore will not connect emotionally and on other levels. 

Singles, it is important to consider the person you want to marry and assess the qualities and characters you can see now. Will you truly accept this person with all their flaws and without being embarrassed? If you are not proud to show off your fiancé or fiancée due to any flaws, please do not go ahead because you have not accepted them. 

Acceptance is one of the secrets to having a happy and lasting marriage. To accept means to be willing to tolerate someone or something. It is the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable. It also means embracing, adoption and integration.

To accept your spouse means they become a member of your family, in marriage you and your spouse becomes one. That is the principle of acceptance, if you are not seeing your spouse as belonging to your group or as an equal, you are yet to accept your spouse. Some of the reasons why many marriages fail are the lack of acceptance of the wife or husband as a full member of the family, in some parts of the world. The wife is seen as an alien or intruder into the family and if not specifically told to their face, many actions from the extended family will boldly communicate this. 

Read part 1: Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

Some people believe and start their marriage with the intention that their spouse can leave them at any time. Therefore they never commit to the marriage. They have already broken the principle of marriage that says two flesh shall become one. They live with the conviction that they can never rely on, or trust their spouse with their all. If you have this mindset, please renew your mind. 

A marriage that will last, will not be started with the intention to go apart, but with the intention to bond and become one forever. 

The bible says in Romans 8:15 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him, we cry, “Abba Father.” 

When you accept your spouse as a permanent member and equal member of your family which is made of husband, wife, and the children, then there should be no fear of treating your spouse as yourself. Sadly, many people do not consider their family unit as that immediate nucleus family. In its place, they focus on extended family members and give priority to meeting their needs and fulfil the desires of these people above and over their partners.  

In order to improve your marriage relationship if you have not fully accepted your spouse, become more accepting of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses. Rather than to continue attempting to get them to change fundamentally, embrace and grow together.

If you are newly married or about to marry, as you continue to solidify and form a new identity with your spouse, negative thinking can set in and flaws become apparent. It is important to come back to this principle of acceptance. If you do not reign in negative thoughts such as “this is not the person I thought I wanted” they soon take over like weeds and destroy your very beautiful marriage. And that’s where a small strain can easily take hold of an otherwise happy and healthy marriage.

Believe it or not, all marriages, no matter how strong, or deeply connected, will experience strain when change happens. 

The difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful marriage is influenced by the level of acceptance by each spouse. 

Below are suggested and fundamental truths you can hold onto, to help you practice the principles of acceptance. 

You will be able to accept your spouse if you learn and practice these truths: 

  1. Accept you are in this marriage together for the long run. You are convinced and willing to live the rest of your life with your partner. You are no longer two but one flesh. Who hates their own flesh? 
  2. You have no control over your spouse’s behaviour, and you are accepting this person for who they are. You are set free because you will then realize that, you don’t have any control over them, just the choices that you make about being with them.
  3. Realise we are all flawed, all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. You must realise there is no perfect human being. You are also flawed, and your spouse is living with that reality. 
  4. Set healthy boundaries early, decide what you can live with and that which will set you ablaze. 
  5. Leave room for personal growth, accept and believe your partner will undergo personal development in their own time and in their way. This requires patience and decide to grow together. If there is an area of weakness, instead of criticism and resentment, help your spouse to grow and develop in that area. We cannot be perfect, and we have blind spots.
  6. We must understand that we are different and have been brought up in a different environment. Actions and culture that are acceptable in my house may be a taboo in yours. Develop a win-win attitude where you differ.
  7. You must have the understanding that men and women are different in so many ways. This will help you come to terms with your partner’s eccentricities. 

Below are some of the different ways men and women show their differences, almost universally. 

Men value power, competence, efficiency, and achievements, but women value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. 

Men feel hurt and incompetent when you offer them unsolicited advice. Why? because asking for help can be seen as a weakness. Whereas to women folks, it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions.

The dilemma in men and women relationship is the lack of understanding and acceptance of our differences.

Men want to fix women, they want to offer a solution, when all a woman wants is for you to listen and empathise.

Women want to help men by offering unsolicited advice and improve men. Yet men want to fix themselves and find a solution by themselves. Can you see the need for understanding and acceptance? We must accept that men and women are different, and that does not mean we cannot live together in harmony. The principle of acceptance is to embrace our partner which can only be achieved with determination, discipline, and effort. 

John Gray in his book Men are from Mars women are from Venus said – 

“When men and women can respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom.”

What will true acceptance based on the few differences between men and women, that I have discussed above mean to you as a man or a woman?

Man – Practice listening whenever a woman speaks. Have the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through, without offering a solution. 

Woman – practice restraining yourself from giving unsolicited advice or criticism, allow the man to solve his problem or ask. 

Suggested Read: The king advisers – who advises you about your marriage matters?

It is not easy to do because it is opposite of what we are wired to do, this is the sacrifice that marriage needs. Acceptance is the highest level a husband and wife can operate on and begin to grow and deepen their love for each other. Sadly, because this has not been taught or explained properly to many, including to me. We are always seeking to change and modify our spouse, either by control or abuse. If you are reading this, and you feel that any of the issues above resonate with you, decide, and learn to accept your spouse, especially, if you are now married. There is no perfect spouse out there, you can work with who you have. The best time is during courtship, decide who you want to marry and make sure you can and will accept them with their good and not so good. Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. Focus on their strengths, celebrate that, and develop and work on your areas of weakness. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

facts_part1

Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

Marriage is the university of all offence, do not marry if you cannot forgive. Lifeworks on principles and you cannot be breaking principles and claiming blessings. Many marriages are in trouble because of a lack of application of principles. If you are going into marriage, be ready to forgive and accept forgiveness. A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers.  

I have been hurt many times within and outside my marriage. No one has not been hurt by the actions and words of other people. Those we love dearly will hurt us. Even as a new-born child we were hurt by the slap on our bottom to make us cry and take our first breath. Sometimes the actions we find hurtful are meant to help us especially, by those who are close to us and love us. In a marriage, husband and wife will hurt each other, it how we process that hurt that makes the difference. Offences will come but do you forgive easily? Do you overlook an offence, or do you take offences personally and store them up? When we refuse to let go of offences, we store them up and they become toxic to us. 

I heard of a story of a father who wanted to teach his son a lesson on unforgiveness. He gave his son permission to pick a tomato and put it in a bag each time he was offended and could not let go of that offence. He was to carry that bag around with him as that is how we carry the offence with us if we do not let it go. After a few weeks, he should come back with the bag of tomatoes and share his experience. This boy kept filling his bag with tomatoes each time he got offended. As you and I can imagine, after some time, the bag became heavy to carry around, not only was it heavy to carry around, it started to smell and maggots started coming out of the rotten tomatoes. This young boy realised that he cannot carry this smelly and putrid bag around anymore because he was smelly and disgusting and no one wants to be around him. This is the picture I want you to have in your mind if you are struggling with unforgiveness in your heart and your marriage. 

Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a co-worker sabotaged your work? or your partner committed an unpardonable offence? You may have had a painful experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you, when you were young. These wounds can leave you with long-lasting feelings of anger and bitterness and a desire for vengeance.

But if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude, and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means and they may avoid it. Others may want to forgive but wonder whether they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily, but many of us can achieve it if we have the right teaching and are willing to put in the effort. 

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Forgiveness is defined as a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

It means to release, grant freedom, liberate, discharge, give amnesty, grant mercy, pardon, indulgence, exemption, acquit and setting free those who offend and hurt us. 

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind, which makes a marriage to thrive. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” It is an action you and I must take; it is not passive but active stance to do away with any unforgiveness.

If you are single, practice forgiving people now, if you cannot forgive yourself and others you are very likely not going to forgive your spouse. Love will not remain in face of unforgiveness. If you are already married, you must learn to forgive, you cannot continue to carry toxic waste around. It is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

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10 Reasons You Should Work on Your Marriage and Make Sure it is Healthy

Forgiveness leads to:

  1. Healthier relationships improved mental health, Less anxiety, stress and hostility and lower blood pressure.
  2. When you forgive you relieve yourself of unnecessary load and rid your body of the stress that leads to illnesses and diseases.
  3. You are obeying God and will be in right standing with God.  

Unforgiveness leads to:

  1. anger and bitterness which kills love in a marriage, it pulls wool over your eyes and you will not be rational in the way you think.
  2. You cannot enjoy the present; you are tied to the past and unable to move forward.
  3. You lose valuable and enriching connectedness with your spouse; intimacy cannot survive when you harbour unforgiveness.
  4. Living in disobedience to Gods command thereby exposed to the attack of the enemy.

If you are engaged or single, before you say “I do” to that man or woman, please check that they are the forgiving type. I had a story of a man who was dating someone a lady, he has never forgiven his friends who hurt him in years and said that openly to his girlfriend. She casually dismissed it and thought because they love each other, he will readily forgive, but realised it was not so when they got married. That is a tell-tale sign we should not dismiss when considering who to marry. We often do not consider these signs and allow falling in love to help us take our eyes off it, or believe because we love each other, that can never happen to us. What a myth, your spouse is going to annoy you the most and if you are unable to forgive people now, you will not be able to forgive your spouse. 

Do you desire or want a healthy marriage? Then learn to forgive.

Why you may find it hard to forgive? Some people are naturally more forgiving than others while other people have been taught how to forgive as modelled by their parent’s forgiveness level.

If you are finding it hard to forgive, it is because you have not understood the forgiveness God gave you. The Lord’s Prayer Matthew 6:9-15 tells us to forgive others, as God forgives our sin. If you do not forgive others, how then do you expect God to forgive you?

Some spouse finds it easier to forgive people who offend them but find it difficult to forgive their spouse because of what I call “Misplaced Priority” – because you are close to me because I love you so much, you ought not to offend me this way. You should have known me better and not act that way. These are statements that a spouse who has misplaced perception and misplaced priority will make in holding onto offence by their spouse. Your spouse is the person who will offend you the most because they are the closest person to you. It is therefore important that they are the ones you pardon the most and easily. Luke 17:3-4 says: “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

Marriage is the university of all offence, do not marry if you cannot forgive. 

How can you learn to forgive and live a life of obedience to God and improve your marital relationship?

If you find it hard to forgive, I want you to reflect on the five points below:

  • Reflect on the numerous times you’ve hurt others and those who’ve forgiven you.
  • Read and memorise the “Parable of The Unforgiving Servant” story in Matthew 18:21-35.
  • Be ready to start practising forgiveness now, learn to overlook hurts and offences of your spouse, parents, siblings, and friends. It will become a learned behaviour and will make it easier to forgive when you are married if you are still single or engaged.
  • Ask God to help you to be merciful, you are enjoying Gods mercy and grace daily.
  • You are living in disobedience to God Colossians 3:13 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Does forgiveness lead to reconciliation? If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness could lead to reconciliation. In a marriage, forgiveness should lead to reconciliation otherwise how do you build your marriage? If you are not ready to reconcile then what have you forgiven? There are cases where if the other party does not want reconciliation, you may have to forgive and let go. However, when God forgave and pardon our sins, it was to reconcile us back to himself. 

Reasons why men need to build their homes4

Reasons why men need to build their homes

If you want a healthy and thriving marriage, you will let your forgiveness lead to reconciliation. 

There is no sin too great for you to overlook is God can forgive you all your sins and allow you to be heirs of the kingdom.

Forgiveness is a process and it can require time, so allow yourself to process and deal with the hurt. Settle it with God and you will be able to settle it with men. 

To become a forgiving spouse, below are practical tips you can begin to use to help you:

  • Start exercising, increase dopamine, and reduce stress hormones. It will help you build your feel-good hormones, the more you feel good about yourself, the better you will feel. Practice smiling at other people etc. Giving love when you don’t have to, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone.
  • Remove bad thought by replacing it with good thoughts, no vacuum. Put a picture of the person you want to forgive on your phone and pray for them. Refrain from talking negatively even if you cannot say good things yet.
  • Check why you are hurting, what exactly have they done and why did it pain you so much. Your spouse’s imperfection or behaviours? Those are normal if you understand marriage itself. Your parents, colleagues, neighbours etc. it may be how you internalise things, be sincere with yourself. If someone says to me, you are not brilliant or you are not beautiful, I will find it hard to get offended because I am aware God made me beautiful and wonderful. You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However, you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.
  • You must become empathetic to forgive someone. Empathy means to put yourself in the other person shoes for a moment and forget about yourself.
  • Ask questions like, why did God allow this? And not why me? Sometimes we have to go through sufferings to get a story that can change our life. Find meaning for your suffering, did it empower you? Are you braver? What are you doing that you wouldn’t have done if this didn’t happen to you?
  • Realise you cannot forgive in your own power; you need the help of the Holy Spirit and the word of God. Are you happy disobeying God because of your hurt? Will you gain this world and lose your soul? Lose your peace, your health, your inheritance, your joy, your marriage
  • Forgive yourself, recognise you are an imperfect being too, don’t have an expectation that they may take you back. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.
  • Forgiveness and gratitude are closely linked – when you are grateful for what you have and where you are, you will realise, after all, what happened to you could have been worse.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here