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3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Marriage is the union of two people who professed love for each other. When God created man, He noticed man needed a helpmeet to come alongside him. He created them male and female. God made male and female with distinct shape and different personality. God understand that a man is not going to think and behave like a woman. But God knows these two beings can live together in harmony if and when they understand each other. However, it is the lack of understanding and acceptance that men and women are different that causes issues in many marriages. Some men want women to understand them and behave like them. Some women cannot understand why men behave differently from them. The first step to solving or preventing marital challenges is the recognition and acceptance that men and women are different. An awareness that the two needs to understand each other’s differences and be willing to learn and tolerate each other. Below are some of the reasons why marriages face problems.

Lack of Knowledge

Ignorance, lack of experience, unawareness are some of the reasons marriage get into trouble waters as soon as husband and wife move and living together. The Bible recognises the need for knowledge as stated in Hosea 4:6 – “my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.” 

Couples who fail to recognise the laws and principles of marriage cannot thrive in marriage

Couples who fail to recognise the laws and principles of marriage cannot thrive in marriage. How do people get to know these laws and principles if they are not taught? Therefore, marriage education is important for any intending couple and those already married. Many people married in ignorance, not knowing exactly what they are getting into or who they are yoking themselves with. From the wealth of information, infodemic available and the awareness that love alone cannot sustain a marriage, men and women must no longer walk into marriage blindly. Dr Myles Munro in his church makes sure that couples registered to be marriage undergo at least nine months of marriage education and counselling. To his surprise, some couples realise they are not meant for each other and break up during this counselling period. Let us assume they did not have to go through such intense and long education, they will probably get married quickly and divorce quickly. Knowledge is power and very important that husband and wife should seek marital knowledge. For example, many men do not understand women and many women do not understand men either, yet these two people want to come together and become one flesh. Without knowledge, understanding and wisdom, they will always misunderstand each other. Men are known to communicate fact and are logical, they will interpret any word spoken literarily. Women on the other hand are metaphorical and can exaggerate when trying to communicate. When a woman says, “you never loved me”, it does not necessarily mean never- yet a man who does not know women, will take the word never as never and be offended. I have seen cases of men who have understood women accept that what a woman may be saying when she is emotional is only temporal and they never get offended. So also, women who lack an understanding that a man needs their space sometimes will feel rejected and unloved, if a man is pulling away. For a woman who has gained an understanding of men’s behaviour, they will be able to withstand such pulling away and allow the man to be himself when he needs to. But without knowing how can a man or woman get this understanding?

Suggested Read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your bond and friendship in a marriage.

Living in Disobedience 

I have checked and examined and can say that, when a marriage is troubled, it is very likely one or both spouses are living in disobedience to the word of God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, we so often quote this scripture, but it is the truth. As simple as this scripture is, if everyone who claims to be a Christian or a child and lover of God will strongly follow this one statement, the world and Christian marriages will be heaven on earth. Alas, we are not perfect and as Christians, we are work in progress. When a man or woman fears the Lord, they will easily forgive any offence that may come their way. So, if offences are forgiven and no record of wrongs are kept, what will contribute to the issues in marriage? When husbands and wives trust the Lord to provide and meet their needs, why would there be fights over money? If a man truly fears the Lord, what will cause him to commit adultery? If a woman loves the Lord, what urge would she not ask God to help her overcome? 

Obedience is better than sacrifice and there are consequences for disobedience.

Obedience is better than sacrifice and there are consequences for disobedience. Even though our heavenly Father is loving and forgiving, He is also a just God and will reward sin and disobedience. Although He does not wish that anyone perish, He saves us, but we still lose our inheritance if we continue to live in disobedience. That is why being a Christian does not exempt couples from facing the marital challenge if they decide to disobey the word of God and the laws of marriage. For example, one of the main laws of marriage is stated in Genesis 2 – “for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, the two shall become one flesh.” This law has been twisted and broken by tradition and many do not understand they are living in disobedience to God’s commandment. When a man refuses to leave as God commanded, he will not be able to cleave to his wife and does suffer the consequences. It is a taboo to ask a man to leave his father and mother in some culture, it is the wife that must join with the extended family. This ought not to be so, many are living in disobedience to God’s law and wondering why they are not enjoying the marriage. Another law of marriage is – “what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9). However, many husbands and wives separate themselves due to work, parents, travelling and relocation and all sorts of reasons that may seem good, but it is in disobedience to God’s law on marriage. Some couples live apart for months and years and expect their marriage to work and blossom. These should not be happening, unfortunately, culture and tradition have made people accept them as normal. It is disobedience to Gods law, what God has joined together, let no one including the couples themselves separate.  

You can also read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Distractions

Many couples are distracted and lack focus on what matters in a marriage, building a life together. A distraction is something that takes your attention away from what you are supposed to be doing. distraction is when you are dragged away from your task or your concern. Work, friends, family, economy and so many other issues are distracting many couples and thus pull them apart from each other. Social media constitute distraction nowadays. We will see husband and wife on their phones communicating with friends far and near yet have no time to communicate face to face or even on the same social media with each other. For some women, caring for the children and home can distract them from giving attention to their husband. Why have we allowed ourselves to be distracted from what matters? It all comes down to lack of knowledge, lack of wisdom and lack of understanding about marriage. Many men are distracted by other women, pornography and lust have made many to lose focus in their marriage. 

I want to encourage you today, if you are reading this, please look at the points we have discussed, although not in-depth as I would have loved to discuss it, I hope to write more on it later. What knowledge do you have about marriage? If you are single and looking to be marriage, how are you equipping yourself for marital life? Everyone that becomes an expert in a field has studied and studied hard. Yet we all desire a beautiful and blissful marriage with no yearning for learning and continuous learning. Let husbands and wives decide to learn about marriage, attend seminars etc. You do not need to wait until you hit troubled waters before getting advice on how to treat a woman well. Do not wait until your husband has battered you before you read about how to respect a man. Knowledge is acquired, it is not cheap nor free, you and I should and must invest in our marriages. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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I am naked and not ashamed! Is this your reality in your marriage?

When God created man and woman in the garden of Eden, he knew that couples in a marriage must be naked to each other. Naked here means openness and bear it all as is, without shame. So Adam and Eve were created without any form of covering. The bible tells us that they were both naked and not ashamed. However as soon as sin came into their lives, they started to cover up. 

I am not sure anyone would like other people to see their nakedness other than their spouse. If someone shows themselves unclothe to people publicly and unsolicited, it can be deemed a crime in England. Therefore, nakedness is meant to be explored within a particular setting and that in a marriage means, to bare it all without fear of committing a crime.

Suggested Read: The FAT Principles of marriage – TOLERANCE (Part 3)

Physical nakedness is just a representation of the other forms of nakedness that must exist in any marriage. Emotional nakedness, financial nakedness and physical nakedness are the parts of a healthy marriage. It is absurd that many couples would allow each other to see their physical nakedness, explore each other’s intimate body and securely guard their phones, conversations, bank accounts, and emotions. Do they ever wonder why there is no connection or intimacy in their sexual activity and marriage? 

Intimacy in marriage is created by openness, trust and “into me see” which is nakedness.

If a spouse cannot be vulnerable enough with their partner, the intimacy level will begin to diminish and before they know it, a wide gap has been created. Other forms of secrecy and lack of openness is not easily detected until there is a physical disconnect from both husband and wife.

A sexless marriage is an acute stage of lack of transparency and nakedness in a marriage relationship.

If sexlessness is not due to physical or health challenges, it may be due to lack of nakedness in the marriage. For any marriage to be healthy, grow and function the way God started it in the beginning, there must be no reason for any form of secrecy. It is very easy to miss the point that, being open and upfront with your spouse leads to intimacy and being secretive, guarded and shame leads to detachment.

A husband must be willing to disclose his struggles, fears and disappointment without any fear or shame. So also, a wife must be comfortable enough to share her hopes, failures, and frustration without feeling embarrassed.

This level of transparency can only be achieved when marriage is a safe place for both husband and wife. 

Similarly, individual maturity level can affect the level of transparency and openness. The family beliefs and practices can affect the level of trust a partner can bestow on their spouse. Unspoken prejudices and fears as well contribute to the level of trust a partner can give to their spouse. I discussed in one of the previous blogs and posts, trust is bestowed, earned, and cannot be requested. For some people, you do not need to prove your innocence before they give you the benefit of the doubt. Whereas for other people, you may never win their trust because they just cannot bestow trust, they find it difficult to trust easily.

It is therefore important for husbands and wives to understand that the level of trust, openness and nakedness in their marriage, will directly influence the level of intimacy, physical, emotional, and sexual satisfaction in their marriage.

You can also read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your bond and friendship in a marriage.

The moment you are closing physical doors to discuss issues, closing bank accounts, locking and passwording gadgets, phones become a danger zone, that is the moment you should realise you are no longer comfortable being naked in your marriage. If you are still going naked to have sexual intercourse, it is only a matter of time before you will realise you are no longer able to stand each other’s nakedness.

At this point, you need help, and that help is foundational, a need to be open and transparent. This is not topical help. 

It is not a matter of my spouse is not giving me sex or sexual satisfaction. 

Unfortunately, many people miss the core and foundation of the problem in their marriage. They want a quick fix or maybe they have no idea what the problem in the marriage truly is. Sadly, some couples reach out to friends, family, and foes to find a solution. They are advised to seek another relationship, cheat, or find pleasure another way, consequently leading to the ultimate demise of the relationship.

God has given us all the solution to any marital problem in His holy book, the bible. If you are single and courting, yet you are not able to see into the person you intend to marry, please stop.

Intimacy is not sex; intimacy is naked but not ashamed.

Your fiancé or fiancée must be able to share their lives openly without any fear or shame with you. You as well must have nothing to hide. Nothing must be up your sleeves. If you go into marriage with baggage that has not been explained, it will come out as weight not too long on your journey.

So, are you naked in your marriage?  Are you willing to be naked with your intending spouse?  If you are not able to share your nakedness in every aspect of life, you will not understand what marriage all is about. At best if husband and wife share only physical nakedness, what they have is far less than what God has intended for them. 

However, being naked is an individual decision and it depends on our comfort level when naked. Becoming naked cannot be forced; it can be influenced by our spouse, for example if one receives judgement and condemnation. It may not be easy to be vulnerable with a judgemental spouse. To attain the intimacy level that sustains a healthy marriage, partners must be willing to look ridiculous and not ashamed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Marriage is a lifelong commitment which if one is not intentional, can easily become monotonous and unexciting. It is one of the many reasons why spouses get tired and try to pursue adventures outside of their marriage. However, it is not a valid excuse to ruin your marriage or cheat on your spouse.

There are many activities we take in life that required doing the same thing repeatedly. For example, becoming educated takes a long time, people simply do not abandon schooling because it is tedious and boring, they endure and determine to succeed. It is the determination to succeed in life that keeps one going and successful eventually. 

Most times some couples begin their marriage with the wrong mindsets and intentions. “I do not think it will work”. “Marriage is a necessary evil”. “Women are crazy”. “Men are wicked”. There are so many other thoughts, myths, and ideas we have been exposed to within our environments. These types of ideas sit at the back of our minds and plaque our marriages because we are a product of our environment.

To have a successful and passionate marriage, husband and wife must admit it is going to be a long journey.

They must have the desire to run the marriage marathon and reach the end successfully. Marriage is not a dash or sprint; therefore, it requires commitment. I have watched many London marathon in my lifetime and I have not seen a successful marathon runner without a strategy? People running a marathon without strategy and determination soon burn out and drop off before the finish line. Running a marathon is a mind game, it is strategic, sacrificial runners endured because of the expectation of satisfaction at the finish line. Husbands and wives must start their marriage with the intention to enjoy and keep working to enjoy their relationship.

Suggested Read: 5 ways to solve problems in your marriage

It is impossible to start a marriage and expect to enjoy forever without putting in effort daily to keep and maintain the relationship. Passion can help couples maintain and enjoy their marriage. What are your expectations for passion in your marriage? Passion is defined as a feeling of intense enthusiasm towards or compelling desire for someone or something. We must be passionate about our relationship with our spouse. Passion can range from eager interest in or admiration for an idea, proposal, or cause; hence the reason to have a passionate marriage in your mind.  

Are you passionate about your marriage? 

Passion ignites the flame and brings to life what is dull and dreary. Passion means you are enthusiastic and earnestly desire enjoyment in your marriage. If your main goal is to enjoy your marriage, you will be careful to do away with anything, people, idea, or motives that will steal or destroy your enjoyment.

Passion means you have strong attraction, excitement, or emotion towards your spouse. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire, though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust. Therefore, you must pursue your spouse with an authentic passion and realise that it needs to be sustained and intentional.

Once you can establish a good and success-oriented mindset about your marriage, then you need to add passion to the burning flame and continue to add to ensure it does not run out.

If you light a fire and do not feed it, the flame will die out.

The worrisome state of many marriages today is because some couples have neglected their passion for each other. What brought them together was passion, for some it may not even be love at first sight, but they developed passion for each other. As a husband you took some actions, you pursued and won the heart of your wife. As a woman, you made yourself available and open to receive love and gave love in return to your husband. The reason the initial passion fades away is that once people get married, they assume, their love will grow, or and deepen automatically. No that is the mistake many people have been making yet many are still making today. Love is active and requires maintenance.

Couples must also anticipate change and explore new ways of spicing up their marriages. You and your spouse are not going to remain the same forever. You are going to change as well as your partner. Are you anticipating change? Are we checking and maintaining our relationships, or we allow it to grow old and cold? As married couples, sometimes we are too comfortable with our status and forget to ignite passion in our marriages. 

What are you going to do differently today to restore passion into your relationship? 

The reason why many people seek new partners or cheat in a marriage is that they are seeking new thrills and adventures. You can continue to enjoy your husband or wife if you would renew your mind and put in the effort to keep your marriage passionate.

You can also read: Principles of Marriage: ACCEPTANCE (Part 2)

Do not throw away your relationship if it is dull and dreary, all you need is to ignite the passion and keep the fire burning. You and I must be intentional about our marriage relationship. I encourage you to invest in your marriage again, the thrill and passion you are seeking outside of your sacred marriage, can be found if you will bring back the spark you two once had.

I would love to hear from you if you took steps to bring back passion in your marriage.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your bond and friendship in a marriage.

Marriage is a journey, and it requires effort, actions, and intentionality to make it work and beautiful. Many couples started their marriage with little or no knowledge that it requires active servicing. Many partners believed a wrong notion that once they marry their partner, life and marriage will just happen flawlessly. No, some principles and practices make a marriage work. It is just like buying a new car and you put it on the road, no servicing and maintenance, continuous refuelling and then expect that car to take you around forever.

What will happen to such a vehicle is a constant breakdown and eventually it will pack up and be grounded leaving the owner frustrated. However, the problem was not the car but lack of maintenance on the part of the owner. This is the situation of many homes and marriages. Couples have failed to care and nurture their love and marriage. Once the couple say I do, some partners resign and fail to court each other’s favour, yet expect the same spark and enthusiasm with which they started their marriage to blossom. Every garden is cultivated and nurtured to bring pleasantness and wonderful fragrance. Any abandoned garden will be taken over by weeds and thorns.

Do not leave your marriage garden unattended. I urge you as husbands and wives to nurture your marriage, be intentional and make your marriage an active one.

“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” – Henry Ford

Suggested Read: 5 ways to solve problems in your marriage

Doing things together as a couple can greatly enhance your marriage. Unfortunately, many couples work individually, thereby creating gaps or giving room for them to bond with someone else instead of their spouse. It can become very difficult for husband and wife to spend quality time together once married and even more difficult when children are involved. This can lead to physical separation and opportunity to reconnect after a while can be lost, if they are not deliberate.

How many times have we seen couples divorced because they are no longer interested in each other after their children have left home? It is because they have neglected each other while raising the children. You and I need to be conscious of this in our marriage. Matters like this have denied many partners the benefit of enjoying the old wine in their later years.

Below are seven things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your bond and friendship.

Go on holidays just the two of you 

You do not have to travel out of your country, take a weekend retreat to a local resort in your country and if you are blessed, please explore the world with your spouse. Make it yearly or twice in a year to spend quality time with your spouse. I greatly cherish it a lot when I get to spend quality time with my husband. The memories last a lifetime.

Do your exercise and take walks together 

Yes, I understand there are hustle and bustle daily, however you can and must create time for these seemingly little and mundane things. These were some of the ideas our parents did not count as important and we should not make those mistakes. There is more to life and marriage than sleeping, eating, working and back to sleep. Enjoy yourselves, there is no marriage in heaven and there is no part 2 either, once you start your marriage, that is it. Some of the marriages that are successful around me, especially here in England, the couples are so fond of each other, when you see the husband, you certainly know the wife must be very closeby, they are doing things together.

Watch movies and go to the cinema together

Sometimes some men can be guilty in this area, they do these activities with their friends rather than their spouse. They are making a great mistake of building friendship other the most important friendship they ought to build. The highest form of friendship should be you and your spouse, however, too often we think it will just grow. No, it is not automatic please correct this, if you are spending more time and resources on your other friends. Invest in your marital friendship first.

Follow a sport that interest your husband or wife.

My husband loves American football, he supports the Redskin and I decided to support the Baltimore Ravens. we have bantered over which team would win. When he used to watch it, I had no idea what a fumble was or touch down, soon after taking an interest in the game, I began to understand and enjoy it. Often, I hear myself shouting jargons of the game like sack and jump up when it’s a touchdown for my team. We look forward to the NFL coming to England and have attended events together. I loved watching wrestling; we both watch that together too. These activities ensure there are more things to talk about other than money or expenses or children and it brings spice to your marriage. My next goal is to get us to attend super bowl in America should Baltimore be in the final. We have something we are looking forward to, and how interesting it would be if Redskins are playing Baltimore Ravens.

Have a pet project

Take up a business venture jointly if you can, or support a charitable organisation. If you have a cause that is dear to your hearts, it is very likely going to keep you two working together to fulfil that cause. I would love to set up a charity that provides education for orphans in the future. I have friends who are involved in projects such as raising money to help those who cannot afford hospital bills. Those raising funds to provide bursaries for brilliant children to attend good schools etc. These good causes that are greater than ones immediate family need and can make husbands and wives pull together for a greater good.  

Fulfil destiny together 

This will allow you to spend quality time together, share your dreams and vision with your spouse. If your partner is studying a course or getting a skill, input and be involved. Even if you do not have expertise in that area, be interested and be able to talk about your husbands’ job or your wife’s career. My husband works in the IT industry and I have no clue about that previously, but now we can talk about the latest banking software and which company is using Globus or not. When is go live? Go or no go etc. It can be fun and shows you care enough to know about their work.

Eat together 

Have family dinner night or special dinners on Friday evening or Sunday afternoon. On your wedding day, you fed your spouse in front of everyone. When last have you put a piece of food in your partner’s mouth? Husbands on your wedding day, you put that cake in your mouth and then put it in your wife’s mouth and sealed it with a kiss. Why must that stop once you get married? Whatever you were doing that endeared your wife or husband to you, why stop it? You ought to do more of what is working. If you want a different result, you must be willing to do something different.

A couple that prays and plays together stays together. 

When you do things together you will be fanning that flame of love you kindled and never allow it to cool.

May your marriage be filled with God’s blessings always.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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The FAT Principles of marriage – TOLERANCE (Part 3)

Tolerance in marriage is the secret of many marriages that are surviving and moving into bliss today. For marriages that have broken apart, most have been hinged on the irreconcilable difference. Meaning the couple are unable to accept their differences and cannot even tolerate one another. We are by nature different, each person designed by God.

We have different experiences growing up and we are shaped by the different environment and household we grew with. Therefore, couples should expect they are going to have differences. It is the recognition, awareness, and the ability to accept and work with this in mind that is crucial to the survival of their marriage. Even though we need to learn to tolerate each other, the ideal in any marriage is for couples to move from tolerance to acceptance and this is where thriving begins. 

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As defined in the dictionary, tolerance is the ability and willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, even if you disagree with or disapprove of them. It is the ability to bear something unpleasant or annoying or to keep going despite difficulties. Tolerance means you put up with, you go along with, you stick with and turn a blind eye to events and circumstances you may not be comfortable with. 

In marriage, couples are going to have annoying behaviours and you will have to bear with one another

You cannot fully know your spouse during courtship and so you will find out their idiosyncrasies and eccentricity, peculiarities and irks only when you get married. Little things, ideas and behaviours that bothers you, which you may only be finding out when you are married. 

For example, some women love to moisturise their skin and indulge it in oils and lotions of all kind, if I see a skin that is rough or white because of lack of moisturising, it annoys me a lot. However, some men also moisturise their skin and yet other many charming princes may not like to moisturise their bodies as well as women too. Some people wear socks to bed! Snoring, mouth and body odour, the way people eat! Neatness in your house may be different from another person’s idea of neatness. I am obsessed with clean toilets and if I see a speck it must go. Lifestyle and choices, you will make may be different from your spouse, if you cannot tolerate and accept them, then there will be an issue in the marriage. You may have to tolerate her family, her friends, and other people in your spouse’s life. If you equip yourself with this knowledge and be intentional about it, your marriage will move quickly into understanding and wisdom.

Two things happen when couples refuse to acknowledge or tolerate their differences. 

Resentment

Anger bitterness and poison that begins to erode their love for each other. If not dealt with it will lead to the ruin of their marriage. When you resent your spouse, everything they do begins to irritate you, you will not find anything positive, but the negatives will be exaggerated. If you cannot see any good in your spouse today, you should check that you have not harboured resentment over the years due to behaviours and attitudes you may have refused to accept or tolerate and possibly want to change. 

Control and abuse

Result and will be inevitable if one partner is trying to change the other. We are all aware and should know that one person cannot change another person. We can influence and help people grow out of a bad and annoying habit, but the change comes from within the person. A positive change is achieved through love. Look at the example of our Lord Jesus Christ. God has the power to change anyone, but He chooses to love us and wait for us to turn our hearts to Him because He first loves us. Any draconian means of forcing a change in one’s partner will not result in true love even if achieved. 

Principles of Marriage: ACCEPTANCE (Part 2)

Recently, as I was listening to one of the marriage counselling programmes, a man asked a question, which many people may have asked in the past. He said the l …Read More

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A good way to become a more tolerant person is to educate yourself more deeply about other people and cultures. 

Often when people display a lack of tolerance for somebody, it is in part because they feel alienated or uncertain about what the other person is doing or saying.

Lack of understanding or refusal to understand the differences we bring to the marriage. Frustration and having a small view of their world. Intolerance breeds hatred, hatred leads to distrust, distrust causes disunity. That is why the bible admonished that we should “always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love” – Ephesians 4:2. Make allowance for each other’s faults in your marriage, marriage is a marathon and not a sprint, so do not for a moment think short term and expect your partner to change. 

The serenity prayer should be your guide if you are desiring a peaceful and happy marriage. 

Serenity Prayer- God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Stress tolerance is the capacity to endure pressure or uncertainty without becoming negative, hopeless, bitter, or hostile toward yourself or others. People with strong stress tolerance can withstand and may even thrive in high-pressure situations. Why do organisations ask for this skill during job interviews? How well do you cope with stress or work under pressure? It is because you need to be able to continue to work productively, even if your colleagues and office environment are hostile. You cannot refuse to work and cooperate in a work environment due to stress; it is, therefore, important that you develop the skill of tolerance. 

How do I become a tolerant husband or wife you may ask? Below are ways to develop and become a more tolerant spouse. Have healthy self-esteem – know who you are and have a conviction of who you are. Form your own opinions and make that positive. The more comfortable you feel with yourself and your opinions, the less defensive you will be. Oftentimes, people have trouble tolerating opinions that threaten their worldview. Being more comfortable with yourself, and how you see the world, can lead to more positive interactions with people different than you.

Opinions are cheap, convictions are real – do not take people’s opinion as personal, learn to be objective it is easier to be tolerant of opinions if you can see them objectively. Try to see your spouse’s opinion as separate from how they judge you and your character. This will help you to be able to disagree with people but tolerate these disagreements. Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 – Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you have cursed others.

The Golden Rule – do unto others what you want them to do you. Whenever you feel intolerant to another person’s opinion, pause, and reflect on the Golden Rule. Just as you would expect someone to consider your perspective without judging you, extend this same courtesy to someone else.

Refrain from being judgmental – be more open and less disapproving, the bible says “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37.

Tolerance is the key to becoming an understanding spouse. When you understand and your partner knows you will understand, it becomes the force that holds your marriage together for decades. If you as husband and wife can understand each other, then it is far easier for you to avoid problems in your marital relationship. Thus, your love becomes stronger and lasts longer. 

As you can see, tolerance is the force that helps you reinforce your relationships, and eventually, it will transform into acceptance which turns into a long-lasting marriage. Now all that we have said cannot be achieved without the help of the Holy Spirit, they are fruits of the Holy Spirit. For example, if you love as Jesus commanded, you can never live in unforgiveness nor refuse to tolerate your spouse. With the help of the Holy Spirit, you will be able to persevere, be gentle and kind, you will accept and tolerate people. 

Therefore, if you are struggling in this area, you need the help of the Holy Spirit and you need Jesus in your life to have that peaceful and blissful marriage.

Say this simple salvation prayer with me: Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Saviour.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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5 ways to solve problems in your marriage

Problem-solving skill is not just useful at work but vital to having a happy and harmonious marriage. Marriage is a learning journey, and couples need to develop skills and tools to help them overcome the many challenges they will face in their marriage. No marriage is problem proof, the difference between those couples who are thriving in marriage are those learning, unlearning, and re-learning what it takes to enjoy their marriage. It is therefore important for men and women to understand the need to develop many soft skills needed for a successful marriage.

“It only takes a few minutes to get married, but building a marriage requires a lifetime” – Myles Munro

I used to struggle with resolving conflict in my marriage, I wanted a win-win solution most times and whenever I don’t achieve that, it meant pain for me and as you can imagine trouble for my husband. But I soon realise, in marriage, one cannot and may not reach a win-win all the time. So how did I overcome my predicament?

I learnt about the five styles of conflict resolution – a course I took at work. Organisations are training team members and equipping staff to acquire the necessary skills to build a functioning and performing team. It is imperative that couples are taught how to develop the skills needed for working together as a team. 

The knowledge and skill gained have since helped me to avoid unnecessary pain, that I would have previously inflicted on my marriage because I wanted a win-win solution. 

Let me share them with you, I am sure you will find them useful in your relationship whether you are single or married. 

The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

Avoiding the Conflict

It is not all fight that is worth fighting, there are many times that couples fight over incidences that could have been easily overlooked by one or both. If your partner will nip and pick fight over evert little matter, be the one to avoid the fight. I have found this useful; it is just like giving way first when you are driving. 

Giving in

As a wife, you may need to give in a lot. But I will advise our husbands, learn to give in too for peace sake. Even though you may be in the right, I encourage you to cherish and protect your relationship over and above winning an argument. There is nothing worth losing your beautiful marriage relationship for. 

Standing your ground

There are situations you may need to take a stand. This should be sparingly used by both spouses. If you are being abused whether physical, psychological, economical, or emotional, you will need to take a stand and seek counsel fast before you are drained or find yourself in a precarious situation. If you feel threatened in your marriage, please do not wait until you are in complete danger, seek intervention. 

Compromising

This is what most couple default to initially in a marriage. Just giving in and not meeting your own need often leads to resentment and bitterness. When you compromise, make sure you are partially satisfied. 

Collaborating

This is the best way to solve a conflict, find a workable solution for yourselves. It may not happen all the time, but it should be your goal most of the times. Seek a win-win solution for any issues. Do not go ahead until you have both met each other’s need. This is love and sacrifice that makes a marriage work. Marriage should be collaborative and care for the other person. If you as a spouse is concerned about the welfare of your partner, you will not make a unilateral decision or be inconsiderate to the need of your spouse. 

There is power in learning, gaining new skills and knowledge which when applied becomes wisdom. Women and men need the wisdom to build their home and make their marriage experience a pleasant and joyful one.  

Don’t allow what you don’t know to deny you the opportunity, of creating and having a great marriage. But don’t just acquire knowledge, the joy of it is applying what you have learnt as wisdom.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

facts_part2

Principles of Marriage: ACCEPTANCE (Part 2)

Recently, as I was listening to one of the marriage counselling programmes, a man asked a question, which many people may have asked in the past. He said the lady he wants to marry does not speak good English and he is embarrassed whenever she comes around to see him. He was asking if he should marry the lady or not? This is what happens when we are not able to accept our spouse with their flaws that we recognise before marriage or the ones that will be discovered after marriage. 

Some partners are embarrassed and possibly nurse the idea of changing their spouse, if they have not yet made up their mind to change them. 

I was happy that this person realised they would have issues with being proud of their spouse if they went ahead and marry out of pity or for other reasons. They will be unable to accept this woman with her level of education, and therefore will not connect emotionally and on other levels. 

Singles, it is important to consider the person you want to marry and assess the qualities and characters you can see now. Will you truly accept this person with all their flaws and without being embarrassed? If you are not proud to show off your fiancé or fiancée due to any flaws, please do not go ahead because you have not accepted them. 

Acceptance is one of the secrets to having a happy and lasting marriage. To accept means to be willing to tolerate someone or something. It is the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable. It also means embracing, adoption and integration.

To accept your spouse means they become a member of your family, in marriage you and your spouse becomes one. That is the principle of acceptance, if you are not seeing your spouse as belonging to your group or as an equal, you are yet to accept your spouse. Some of the reasons why many marriages fail are the lack of acceptance of the wife or husband as a full member of the family, in some parts of the world. The wife is seen as an alien or intruder into the family and if not specifically told to their face, many actions from the extended family will boldly communicate this. 

Read part 1: Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

Some people believe and start their marriage with the intention that their spouse can leave them at any time. Therefore they never commit to the marriage. They have already broken the principle of marriage that says two flesh shall become one. They live with the conviction that they can never rely on, or trust their spouse with their all. If you have this mindset, please renew your mind. 

A marriage that will last, will not be started with the intention to go apart, but with the intention to bond and become one forever. 

The bible says in Romans 8:15 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him, we cry, “Abba Father.” 

When you accept your spouse as a permanent member and equal member of your family which is made of husband, wife, and the children, then there should be no fear of treating your spouse as yourself. Sadly, many people do not consider their family unit as that immediate nucleus family. In its place, they focus on extended family members and give priority to meeting their needs and fulfil the desires of these people above and over their partners.  

In order to improve your marriage relationship if you have not fully accepted your spouse, become more accepting of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses. Rather than to continue attempting to get them to change fundamentally, embrace and grow together.

If you are newly married or about to marry, as you continue to solidify and form a new identity with your spouse, negative thinking can set in and flaws become apparent. It is important to come back to this principle of acceptance. If you do not reign in negative thoughts such as “this is not the person I thought I wanted” they soon take over like weeds and destroy your very beautiful marriage. And that’s where a small strain can easily take hold of an otherwise happy and healthy marriage.

Believe it or not, all marriages, no matter how strong, or deeply connected, will experience strain when change happens. 

The difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful marriage is influenced by the level of acceptance by each spouse

Below are suggested and fundamental truths you can hold onto, to help you practice the principles of acceptance. 

You will be able to accept your spouse if you learn and practice these truths: 

  1. Accept you are in this marriage together for the long run. You are convinced and willing to live the rest of your life with your partner. You are no longer two but one flesh. Who hates their own flesh? 
  2. You have no control over your spouse’s behaviour, and you are accepting this person for who they are. You are set free because you will then realize that, you don’t have any control over them, just the choices that you make about being with them.
  3. Realise we are all flawed, all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. You must realise there is no perfect human being. You are also flawed, and your spouse is living with that reality. 
  4. Set healthy boundaries early, decide what you can live with and that which will set you ablaze. 
  5. Leave room for personal growth, accept and believe your partner will undergo personal development in their own time and in their way. This requires patience and decide to grow together. If there is an area of weakness, instead of criticism and resentment, help your spouse to grow and develop in that area. We cannot be perfect, and we have blind spots.
  6. We must understand that we are different and have been brought up in a different environment. Actions and culture that are acceptable in my house may be a taboo in yours. Develop a win-win attitude where you differ.
  7. You must have the understanding that men and women are different in so many ways. This will help you come to terms with your partner’s eccentricities. 

Below are some of the different ways men and women show their differences, almost universally. 

Men value power, competence, efficiency, and achievements, but women value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. 

Men feel hurt and incompetent when you offer them unsolicited advice. Why? because asking for help can be seen as a weakness. Whereas to women folks, it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions.

The dilemma in men and women relationship is the lack of understanding and acceptance of our differences.

Men want to fix women, they want to offer a solution, when all a woman wants is for you to listen and empathise.

Women want to help men by offering unsolicited advice and improve men. Yet men want to fix themselves and find a solution by themselves. Can you see the need for understanding and acceptance? We must accept that men and women are different, and that does not mean we cannot live together in harmony. The principle of acceptance is to embrace our partner which can only be achieved with determination, discipline, and effort. 

John Gray in his book Men are from Mars women are from Venus said – 

When men and women can respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom.”

What will true acceptance based on the few differences between men and women, that I have discussed above mean to you as a man or a woman?

Man – Practice listening whenever a woman speaks. Have the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through, without offering a solution. 

Woman – practice restraining yourself from giving unsolicited advice or criticism, allow the man to solve his problem or ask. 

Suggested Read: The king advisers – who advises you about your marriage matters?

It is not easy to do because it is opposite of what we are wired to do, this is the sacrifice that marriage needs. Acceptance is the highest level a husband and wife can operate on and begin to grow and deepen their love for each other. Sadly, because this has not been taught or explained properly to many, including to me. We are always seeking to change and modify our spouse, either by control or abuse. If you are reading this, and you feel that any of the issues above resonate with you, decide, and learn to accept your spouse, especially, if you are now married. There is no perfect spouse out there, you can work with who you have. The best time is during courtship, decide who you want to marry and make sure you can and will accept them with their good and not so good. Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. Focus on their strengths, celebrate that, and develop and work on your areas of weakness. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

facts_part1

Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

Marriage is the university of all offence, do not marry if you cannot forgive. Lifeworks on principles and you cannot be breaking principles and claiming blessings. Many marriages are in trouble because of a lack of application of principles. If you are going into marriage, be ready to forgive and accept forgiveness. A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers.  

I have been hurt many times within and outside my marriage. No one has not been hurt by the actions and words of other people. Those we love dearly will hurt us. Even as a new-born child we were hurt by the slap on our bottom to make us cry and take our first breath. Sometimes the actions we find hurtful are meant to help us especially, by those who are close to us and love us. In a marriage, husband and wife will hurt each other, it how we process that hurt that makes the difference. Offences will come but do you forgive easily? Do you overlook an offence, or do you take offences personally and store them up? When we refuse to let go of offences, we store them up and they become toxic to us. 

I heard of a story of a father who wanted to teach his son a lesson on unforgiveness. He gave his son permission to pick a tomato and put it in a bag each time he was offended and could not let go of that offence. He was to carry that bag around with him as that is how we carry the offence with us if we do not let it go. After a few weeks, he should come back with the bag of tomatoes and share his experience. This boy kept filling his bag with tomatoes each time he got offended. As you and I can imagine, after some time, the bag became heavy to carry around, not only was it heavy to carry around, it started to smell and maggots started coming out of the rotten tomatoes. This young boy realised that he cannot carry this smelly and putrid bag around anymore because he was smelly and disgusting and no one wants to be around him. This is the picture I want you to have in your mind if you are struggling with unforgiveness in your heart and your marriage. 

Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a co-worker sabotaged your work? or your partner committed an unpardonable offence? You may have had a painful experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you, when you were young. These wounds can leave you with long-lasting feelings of anger and bitterness and a desire for vengeance.

But if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude, and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means and they may avoid it. Others may want to forgive but wonder whether they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily, but many of us can achieve it if we have the right teaching and are willing to put in the effort. 

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Forgiveness is defined as a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

It means to release, grant freedom, liberate, discharge, give amnesty, grant mercy, pardon, indulgence, exemption, acquit and setting free those who offend and hurt us. 

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind, which makes a marriage to thrive. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” It is an action you and I must take; it is not passive but active stance to do away with any unforgiveness.

If you are single, practice forgiving people now, if you cannot forgive yourself and others you are very likely not going to forgive your spouse. Love will not remain in face of unforgiveness. If you are already married, you must learn to forgive, you cannot continue to carry toxic waste around. It is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

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10 Reasons You Should Work on Your Marriage and Make Sure it is Healthy

Forgiveness leads to:

  1. Healthier relationships improved mental health, Less anxiety, stress and hostility and lower blood pressure.
  2. When you forgive you relieve yourself of unnecessary load and rid your body of the stress that leads to illnesses and diseases.
  3. You are obeying God and will be in right standing with God.  

Unforgiveness leads to:

  1. anger and bitterness which kills love in a marriage, it pulls wool over your eyes and you will not be rational in the way you think.
  2. You cannot enjoy the present; you are tied to the past and unable to move forward.
  3. You lose valuable and enriching connectedness with your spouse; intimacy cannot survive when you harbour unforgiveness.
  4. Living in disobedience to Gods command thereby exposed to the attack of the enemy.

If you are engaged or single, before you say “I do” to that man or woman, please check that they are the forgiving type. I had a story of a man who was dating someone a lady, he has never forgiven his friends who hurt him in years and said that openly to his girlfriend. She casually dismissed it and thought because they love each other, he will readily forgive, but realised it was not so when they got married. That is a tell-tale sign we should not dismiss when considering who to marry. We often do not consider these signs and allow falling in love to help us take our eyes off it, or believe because we love each other, that can never happen to us. What a myth, your spouse is going to annoy you the most and if you are unable to forgive people now, you will not be able to forgive your spouse. 

Do you desire or want a healthy marriage? Then learn to forgive.

Why you may find it hard to forgive? Some people are naturally more forgiving than others while other people have been taught how to forgive as modelled by their parent’s forgiveness level.

If you are finding it hard to forgive, it is because you have not understood the forgiveness God gave you. The Lord’s Prayer Matthew 6:9-15 tells us to forgive others, as God forgives our sin. If you do not forgive others, how then do you expect God to forgive you?

Some spouse finds it easier to forgive people who offend them but find it difficult to forgive their spouse because of what I call “Misplaced Priority” – because you are close to me because I love you so much, you ought not to offend me this way. You should have known me better and not act that way. These are statements that a spouse who has misplaced perception and misplaced priority will make in holding onto offence by their spouse. Your spouse is the person who will offend you the most because they are the closest person to you. It is therefore important that they are the ones you pardon the most and easily. Luke 17:3-4 says: “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

Marriage is the university of all offence, do not marry if you cannot forgive. 

How can you learn to forgive and live a life of obedience to God and improve your marital relationship?

If you find it hard to forgive, I want you to reflect on the five points below:

  • Reflect on the numerous times you’ve hurt others and those who’ve forgiven you.
  • Read and memorise the “Parable of The Unforgiving Servant” story in Matthew 18:21-35.
  • Be ready to start practising forgiveness now, learn to overlook hurts and offences of your spouse, parents, siblings, and friends. It will become a learned behaviour and will make it easier to forgive when you are married if you are still single or engaged.
  • Ask God to help you to be merciful, you are enjoying Gods mercy and grace daily.
  • You are living in disobedience to God Colossians 3:13 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Does forgiveness lead to reconciliation? If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness could lead to reconciliation. In a marriage, forgiveness should lead to reconciliation otherwise how do you build your marriage? If you are not ready to reconcile then what have you forgiven? There are cases where if the other party does not want reconciliation, you may have to forgive and let go. However, when God forgave and pardon our sins, it was to reconcile us back to himself. 

Reasons why men need to build their homes4

Reasons why men need to build their homes

If you want a healthy and thriving marriage, you will let your forgiveness lead to reconciliation. 

There is no sin too great for you to overlook is God can forgive you all your sins and allow you to be heirs of the kingdom.

Forgiveness is a process and it can require time, so allow yourself to process and deal with the hurt. Settle it with God and you will be able to settle it with men. 

To become a forgiving spouse, below are practical tips you can begin to use to help you:

  • Start exercising, increase dopamine, and reduce stress hormones. It will help you build your feel-good hormones, the more you feel good about yourself, the better you will feel. Practice smiling at other people etc. Giving love when you don’t have to, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone.
  • Remove bad thought by replacing it with good thoughts, no vacuum. Put a picture of the person you want to forgive on your phone and pray for them. Refrain from talking negatively even if you cannot say good things yet.
  • Check why you are hurting, what exactly have they done and why did it pain you so much. Your spouse’s imperfection or behaviours? Those are normal if you understand marriage itself. Your parents, colleagues, neighbours etc. it may be how you internalise things, be sincere with yourself. If someone says to me, you are not brilliant or you are not beautiful, I will find it hard to get offended because I am aware God made me beautiful and wonderful. You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However, you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.
  • You must become empathetic to forgive someone. Empathy means to put yourself in the other person shoes for a moment and forget about yourself.
  • Ask questions like, why did God allow this? And not why me? Sometimes we have to go through sufferings to get a story that can change our life. Find meaning for your suffering, did it empower you? Are you braver? What are you doing that you wouldn’t have done if this didn’t happen to you?
  • Realise you cannot forgive in your own power; you need the help of the Holy Spirit and the word of God. Are you happy disobeying God because of your hurt? Will you gain this world and lose your soul? Lose your peace, your health, your inheritance, your joy, your marriage
  • Forgive yourself, recognise you are an imperfect being too, don’t have an expectation that they may take you back. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.
  • Forgiveness and gratitude are closely linked – when you are grateful for what you have and where you are, you will realise, after all, what happened to you could have been worse.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

the_king_advisers

The king advisers – who advises you about your marriage matters?

Most of us will know the story of Queen Vashti in the book of Esther, it is used to warn women of the consequences of disobedience to authority. However, there is another lesson that we can learn from this scripture. The king advisers gave the advice and reasons why King Xerxes should remove his wife. They encouraged him to break his marriage over a matter that he can forgive easily. They encouraged him to depose Queen Vashti so that fear can grip other women. Their main concern was that which stem from protecting their own interest. They had no compassion for him, and he was eventually sorrowful after the event. King Xerxes acted foolishly and he was in a state of mind that we cannot consider as sober. They had been drinking and wanted the queen to come and parade her beauty before them. No one took into consideration the dignity of the queen and the sanctity of marriage.

Who are your advisers in your marriage? 

Are they helping you to mend your marriage or are they helping you to pull it apart? Have you sat down to consider the advice people that you surround yourself with are giving you? They may say they are doing it to boost your ego, is your ego worth losing your marriage? The king’s advisers had no thought for the marriage; the woman and how she may have felt when she was called up. Nobody hesitated or advised King Xerxes to save his marriage and bear with his wife. 

The people in your circle of influence can help you destroy your marriage if you allow them. 

Choose who your advisers are wisely. 

It is a known fact that, most people pretend to be who they are not to prove a point outside of their home. 

We have seen cases of men and women who are accepting untenable situations in their marriage but pretend to be having a good marriage to mislead the naïve. 

The king acted in anger – a furious state and the advisers helped him to be even more enraged by telling him all other women will start to disobey their husbands. Do you make rash decisions when you are angry? Who do you go to when you are in despair? Where you seek advice, has a lot to do with the outcome of your marriage. 

Look around you and soberly consider some of the advice people have given you in resolving issues in your marriage. 

I have seen and heard of many cases of spouses who do everything for their partners and will run errands at their beck and call, yet they advise another person to ignore helping their spouse. “You should stop doing anything good for her, if she suffers enough, she will come round crawling and begging for your forgiveness.” Oh, the hearts of men are evil.  

I belong to many marriage groups where some of the advice that men and women offer to situations being discussed are aimed at nothing but the destruction of the marriage. 

We can see in the book of Esther that King Xerxes foolishly followed the advice of his counsellors and divorced Queen Vashti but it was an act that he later regretted. The advisers probably knew that when King Xerxes becomes sober, he will want to reconcile with his queen, they ensured that the decree was irreversible. They were quick to advise him to marry another woman. We talked about the danger that is involved whenever someone gives you their advice, or you read some words of advice, they may indeed be good advice, sometimes the intentions are wrong. 

I will implore husbands and wife to be careful who they go to for advice. Your family, friends and foes are all advisers, but you must decide and weigh the advice given to you before implementing it. 

The best place and person to go for advice first is GOD, use the word of God to decide how to act in your marriage. 

Your spouse offends you what advice has the bible on that- simple forgiveness. Your wife is acting up, the biblical advice is to love her, wash her and present her to yourself as Christ did for the church. If you are offered advice by people and you do not first pray about what they have advised, you will ruin your marriage. Many homes have been broken by advisers in the king’s court and I pray that will not be your case. 

I pray to God to give us wisdom in this area, whatever advice is given to you that will not bring you closer in your relationship to your spouse reject it. If the advice you are being given will bring harm to your spouse, reject it. If the advice you are being given will break your marriage vows, reject it. It is alarming to see how people advise husbands to go and have extramarital affairs to punish the wife, that has broken the marriage vow. It is not uncommon for advisers to advice people in their marriage to go and have children outside and so on. 

The evil and atrocities being committed against marriage are huge and we also have those who will aid and abet the spouse to destroy their marriage. 

Marriage is God’s idea, the best place to go for advice if you desire a good and loving marriage, is to look into the scriptures. Follow only godly advice that will improve your relationship and bring you and your partner closer rather than advice aimed at separating and hurting your spouse. 

Remember it is your marriage that will be destroyed, and you are the one that will regret it. King Xerxes regretted his actions in the end.

I pray that God will give husbands and wives wisdom needed to build a good and lasting marriage. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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10 Reasons You Should Work on Your Marriage and Make Sure it is Healthy

What are the reasons why you should work on your marriage and make sure it is healthy, blissful and sweet? A good and peaceful marriage will give you peace of mind, body spirit and soul. Whenever a marriage is not working, the couple can never reach their full potential in life, they will be both damaged and have a lot of negative incidences. They may be covering up with other activities such as work, friendship outside of their marital relationship and bury themselves in a religious activity such as prayers and groups etc. All of these may take their focus and attention from the immediate pain of living with a spouse they consider trouble, however, the toll it takes on the body is revealed in their physical, emotional and spiritual health.

I am not in any way trying to insinuate that everyone who has one illness, or the other is as a result of bad marriages, we are all aware our bodies are broken because we are all in a fallen state. Many factors can cause illness in one’s body, genetic and other issues. However, there are illnesses that are triggered due to marital stress which would and may have been delayed or not surface at all if the marriage was peaceful and loving. 

“Stress doesn’t only make us feel awful emotionally,” says Jay Winner, MD, author of Take the Stress Out of Your Life, “It can also exacerbate just about any health condition you can think of.”

The people who advocate exercise state that, when the body is in a happy state it secrets a hormone called dopamine that relaxes the body and makes one be in a good mood. Also, when someone is constantly in a state of stress, the body release stress hormones (cortisol) that are harmful to the body. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars (glucose) in the bloodstream, enhances your brain’s use of glucose. When stressors are always present and you constantly feel under attack, that fight-or-flight reaction stays turned on and this does great harm to your body.

Imagine if a wife or husband is constantly living in unhappiness and secrets these harmful hormones daily, an accumulation of these hormones will one day be a level that it will cause damage to vital organs in the body leading to the development of illness and diseases. Therefore, if husbands and wives are aware of these types of damage they can and maybe causing each other by living in an unhealthy marriage, shouldn’t they resolve their issues for their health sake? Many men and women have destroyed their lives and body because they refused to work on their marriage.

Your marriage is your health thermostat and you have the power to turn it up or down to give you a healthy environment to grow in. 

We must decide to work on our marriages and make sure it is happy fun and full of laughter so we can increase the good hormones and live long.

These are some of the reasons why husbands and wives need to work for peace, it is a must, there should be no offence, conflict, or ego too big that you should allow to cost your life. Unforgiveness and holding offences in the mind has been a major cause of heart attack for some people. When you can release any heavy load, you are carrying in your mind, please do, your life, your health is worth much more than your reputation, image, ego, or position.

I have decided a long time ago to always release forgiveness to my husband or anyone at all who may hurt me, not only because God commanded me to do so as His child, but because I have made this quote by Marianne Williamson my mantra. When I came across this statement, it brought a light to my heart, I held onto it to help me know that when I hold grudges, I am not doing myself any favour. Let me share it with you today, it may help you realise that not holding grudges is more for your benefit than the other person who hurt you, even when they refuse to acknowledge or apologise.

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.”- Marianne Williamson

Have you noticed that when you are not happy with someone and they are around you, there is this uneasiness and you probably lose your smile too? Why would anyone want to be in such a state perpetually living with a spouse you are unhappy with?

Some of the physical illness that can result due to marital stress include: Cancer, lack of regular sex in men can cause prostate cancer. High blood pressure when the mind and body are always stressed. Sexually transmitted diseases for those who go into adultery because of bad marriages.

Studies have found many health problems related to stress. Stress seems to worsen or increase the risk of conditions like obesity, heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, diabetes, depression, gastrointestinal problems, and asthma.

¹ Below are 10 Health Problems Related to Stress That You Can Fix by working on your marriage. I have taken these from WebMD please visit the website for more information.

  1. Heart disease – Researchers have long suspected that the stressed-out, type A personality has a higher risk of high blood pressure and heart problems. We don’t know why, exactly. Stress can directly increase heart rate and blood flow and causes the release of cholesterol and triglycerides into the bloodstream. 
  2. Asthma -Many studies have shown that stress can worsen asthma. Some evidence suggests that a parent’s chronic stress might even increase the risk of developing asthma in their children. One study looked at how parental stress affected the asthma rates of young children who were also exposed to air pollution or whose mothers smoked during pregnancy. The kids with stressed-out parents had a substantially higher risk of developing asthma.
  3. Obesity – Excess fat in the belly seems to pose greater health risks than fat on the legs or hips — and unfortunately, that’s just where people with high stress seem to store it. “Stress causes higher levels of the hormone cortisol,” says Winner, “and that seems to increase the amount of fat that’s deposited in the abdomen.”
  4. Diabetes – Stress can worsen diabetes in two ways. First, it increases the likelihood of bad behaviours, such as unhealthy eating and excessive drinking. Second, stress seems to raise the glucose levels of people with type 2 diabetes directly.
  5. Headaches– Stress is considered one of the most common triggers for headaches — not just tension headaches, but migraines as well.
  6. Depression and anxiety – It’s probably no surprise that chronic stress is connected with higher rates of depression and anxiety. One survey of recent studies found that people who had stress related to their jobs — like demanding work with few rewards — had an 80% higher risk of developing depression within a few years than people with lower stress.
  7. Gastrointestinal problems– Here’s one thing that stress doesn’t do — it doesn’t cause ulcers. However, it can make them worse. Stress is also a common factor in many other GI conditions, such as chronic heartburn (or gastroesophageal reflux disease, GERD) and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Winner says.
  8. Alzheimer’s disease- One animal study found that stress might worsen Alzheimer’s disease, causing its brain lesions to form more quickly. Some researchers speculate that reducing stress has the potential to slow down the progression of the disease.
  9. Accelerated ageing– There’s evidence that stress can affect how you age. One study compared the DNA of mothers who were under high stress — they were caring for a chronically ill child — with women who were not. Researchers found that a particular region of the chromosomes showed the effects of accelerated ageing. Stress seemed to accelerate ageing about 9 to 17 additional years.
  10. Premature death– A study looked at the health effects of stress by studying elderly caregivers looking after their spouses — people who are naturally under a great deal of stress. It found that caregivers had a 63% higher rate of death than people their age who were not caregivers.

¹ (source WebMD Feature Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on April 01, 2014) https://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/features/10-fixable-stress-related-health-problems#1

Given this staggering evidence of stress and illnesses, I hope men and women would be informed and start working on their marriages.

Apart from physical illness, there are also spiritual implications that are even costlier for anyone living in disobedience to God’s law of living at peace and offering forgiveness to each other.

Couples who live in disobedience to God’s law of love and holiness will experience a broken relationship with God, they may be praying but God does not listen to such prayers. There are numerous bible passages that talked about prayers being hindered. They will be exposed to attack from the enemy because God’s law has been broken, when the accuser of the brethren shows up because they are still in sin, God cannot justify them. They will just be religious and have no power over the enemy. They will lack God’s special blessings for His children, they may be doing well but that is the common grace God gives to everybody. They will lose their glory and honour that God has prepared for those who obey Him.

The implication of living a life that does not please God in a marriage is enormous and it bleeds my heart to see that some husbands and wives are not informed nor aware of these, they live in oblivion and expect their lives to be ok. I pray for God’s mercy on us all. Amen.

Now we have only just scratched the surface of what stress can do to a married couple who chooses to live in sin. If you refuse to work on your marriage and choose to disobey God’s law that says in John 13;34-35. “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” Then you have your reward as you choose.

I hope you can allow God to work on your heart, whatever may be the cause of strife in your marriage, let it go and save your health for a long life of joy, peace and happiness.

If this post has helped you in any way, please leave me a comment and you can also send me questions, I will do my best to answer them with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married.
You can also preorder the book here