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Connecting Love and Leadership in Marriage: Do you get that right?

Who wants to be a leader? Everyone would like to be a leader, and somehow, we are all leaders, albeit in various capacities and positions. A leader shows the way and influences their followers. For example, Jesus Christ is our leader as Christians; the early disciples were called Christians initially because they had the influence and fragrance of Christ. A husband is the leader of the marriage, his wife and children. Both husband and wife are the leaders of their family; both spouses will influence children and they will follow their leading. Therefore, leadership exist in various forms, and it is one of the areas most people forget to develop or consider in life and marriage. Leadership is influence, and it is very different from management. A leader is different from a boss because a boss wants the job done, while a leader seeks to influence and empower people to make their own decision, do their work without being forced or coerced. We often do not focus on love when we address leadership, whether at home, work, or in the world generally.

A leader shows the way and influences their followers.

However, looking through history, the most outstanding leaders sacrificed their lives to help their followers. They laid down their lives, comfort and freedom so that many other people can be free, fulfilled and empowered. Our most extraordinary and unrivalled example is Jesus Christ, our Lord. He gave up His throne in heaven and became one of us. He washed his disciples’ feet, forgave the sinners, ate with the outcast, healed the lepers, and so many miracles. Famous world leaders like Nelson Mandela, Dr Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi gave up their lives and freedom to lead others to victory. Any attempt at leading without love and sacrifice is nothing short of a clanging cymbal, irrespective of other qualities such as resourcefulness, courage, charisma, self-discipline etc.

Are you a loving leader in your home?

Are you a loving leader in your home? As a spouse, are you leading your partner and children with love or with fear? Some people at home are the lion of the tribe of family. Their disposition is to create fear in the hearts of their partners and children. Research and the Bible have shown that the best and most excellent way to lead is to love the followers. Love is occupied with developing others and bringing out the best in them without fear of feeling less important. Many people think leadership is essential; being puffed up with power, egotistic, and above the law; they believe as a leader they are above everyone else. They can do and undo, and no one may correct or advise them. That is not leadership at all. Some people see leadership as other people-pleasing them, making sure no one else has a voice, and they know it all. 

Love is occupied with developing others and bringing out the best in them without fear of feeling less important.

Leaders are secure; they know they are free but subject themselves to serving and developing their followers. Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:14-15 sums up what it takes to be a leader ” I will mostly spend and be spent for your souls”. 1 Cor. 9:19 “for though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them”. Leaders are servants, and they do not seek to be served but yearn to serve and bring out the best in others. How are you helping your partner? Are you waiting to be served, or are you serving and giving your all to see your family become great without you feeling less? It is sad to hear of spouses who cannot help their partners or even offer to provide a glass of water because they are the leader of the manor. 

How about our Lord Jesus Christ who created the world and beings, yet he bent down, wrapped a towel around His waist and washed His disciples’ dusty feet! Wow, that is an example every leader must emulate. In our marriages let us become servant leaders, there is much love in serving others and a lot more love when we serve our husbands or wives. 

Great marriages don’t naturally happen; they are created by imperfect couples who refuse to give up on each other and their marriage.

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples. What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to. Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

ABI

Diamonds form under pressure; Great marriages survive marital pressures.

I love diamonds, and I remember when I got a watch with diamonds on it, it shines and glows, especially when light falls on it. Diamonds are every girl’s dream. I would love to have a collection of them, but now I am content with the one I have. Have you ever wondered why diamonds are rare, expensive, and cherished above all other stones? It is because diamonds form under intense pressure for an extended period, and people must dig deep to find them. The rocks that withstand the tremendous pressure for a long time become the most cherished and loved item in peoples’ closets. Great and beautiful marriages result from couples who endured marital stress and chose to give it time and work on their differences to become understanding and loving spouses. Many marriages could not become beautiful because couples buckle under the stress of marital pressures.

Many marriages could not become beautiful because couples buckle under the stress of marital pressures.

 I read this quote online “the couples that are mean to be, are the ones who go through everything that’s designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger.” Yes, many marriages are meant to be because marriage is a lifetime commitment, and couples must realise they will be forged by fire. Marriage is a melting of two individuals into one, requiring removing all instances that will cause friction. The process of eliminating behaviours, ideas and thoughts that misalign is not going to be easy. It can be likened to melting two different metals to form steel. Before the steel can come out shining and strong, it will be dissolved under intense heat, cool and reheat for all the impurities to be removed. 

Great marriages don’t naturally happen; they are created by imperfect couples who refuse to give up on each other and their marriage.

Many couples jump ship once there is a bit of heat; rather than work out the issues causing troubles and misunderstanding, they want to separate, go their own way or abandon their spouse for another. Second and third marriages have a higher divorce rate because the same issue that the person was running from will face in another form with another partner. Marriage is a melting point of two souls into one, and therefore, before couples become soulmates, they will need to face testing situations. Thus, can I ask you how you are handling the marital pressure in your marriage?  Do you see the challenges you are facing as an opportunity to improve yourself and not destroy your marriage?

Many people are unprepared for challenges, and so they react with anger, violence and resignation.

Many people are unprepared for challenges, and so they react with anger, violence and resignation. There is no place for violence in marriage, and it is not the best way to overcome challenges. When you come under marital pressure, and I can tell you every marriage will face a test. What you do is to seek to understand yourself first. Why am I being irritated by my partner’s action or inaction? What can I do to make this issue resolved without losing my partner’s support? Can I empathise and put myself in my partner’s shoes so I can see or feel what they are feeling?  There are so many growth opportunities in adversity, but unfortunately, many people consider the fire and heat rather than the reason for the heat. People want great marriages but do not want to refine, purify, and become understanding, kind and loving spouses. 

People want great marriages but do not want to refine, purify, and become understanding, kind and loving spouses.

If you are considering marriage, I want to encourage you to prepare and be aware that there will be marital pressures; these pressure points are like the refining fires to help purify and make your marriage beautiful. Don’t engage in nasty fights, blaming, resentment and anger. Step back and start with yourself first. Why am I getting angry? Why do I feel humiliated?  Why do I feel disrespected? Why am I feeling unloved? Focusing on yourself and not your spouse will help you become a better version of yourself and an understanding partner. It is effortless for us to blame someone else and ask them why questions like: Why don’t they love me and respect me? Why can’t they see things the way I see them? What are they so wasteful with money?   

Are you destroying your marriage or purifying yourself to become a beautiful, valued and respected spouse?

These types of questions you cannot answer accurately, best you will guess and make up untrue stories which always leads to resentment and bitterness.

Remember diamonds, and steel is not made by skipping the pressure and fire; they are forged into beautiful, cherished and valued items because they were forged by force and fire. What will you do with the marital pressure you face in your marriage? Are you destroying your marriage or purifying yourself to become a beautiful, valued and respected spouse?

Great marriages don’t naturally happen; they are created by imperfect couples who refuse to give up on each other and their marriage.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Discover the underlying reasons couples fight over money in a marriage.

Many financial experts and budget holders, accountants and financial solution providers and billionaires struggle with handling money in their relationship, as well as those of us who lack financial skills and knowledge! With the expertise and financial planning instruments that help grow organisations assets and set up much seamless payment and money receiving agents, we must wonder why these financial experts still struggle with money and love as much as some without any financial acumen! 

I want to expose why couples fight over money because usually, it is not about a lack of funds. 

I want to expose why couples fight over money because usually, it is not about a lack of funds. Budgeting skills, saving prowess, future investment are all technical, financial actions; they can guarantee healthy financial planning, but they fall short of creating financial stability in homes. Many of us believe that most couples “fight” about money, but the truth is sneakier and more profound, something every husband and wife needs to evaluate. 

There are 24 love and money points of tension identified by research conducted and listed by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn in their book “thriving in love and money, which is the inspiration for this blog. Please get the book; it will significantly transform your money troubles. 

Many of us believe that most couples “fight” about money, but the truth is sneakier…

When I looked through the list, one could immediately identify these underlying issues couples struggle with a lot. Ironically, some couples would disagree that these are the reasons behind their fight over money matters in the marriage. 

Most couples focus on the money or lack of it, thinking that is the root of the problem, yet the source has more to do with the individual state of mind towards their spouse. I know couples who earn less money and happily plan their finances, whereas other couples who make more money struggle to meet their household needs. 

Resentment and anger top the list of love and money tension points between couples when they fight over money.

Resentment and anger top the list of love and money tension points between couples when they fight over money. One spouse is saying in their mind – “Why do I have to be on a budget when we have plenty of money?” While the other spouse is saying – Why won’t they realise how tight things are?” Then based on the resentment towards their spouse, one will withhold money, and another may want to get more money. There starts the money tension and fights, when resentment overpowers love in a relationship, we will find arguments and fights. 

Another tension point between couples fighting over money is frustration and irritation, which is rooted in their minds and expressed as – “Why don’t you see things the way I see things?” Yet two people may look at the same thing and not see it the same way. One person sees a half-filled glass as half-full, and another may see it as half-empty. Both are seeing it from their perspective. Yet imagine one person so hung up on their views and trying to prove the other person wrong or punish them for their opinions. That’s some of the reasons for relationship troubles, a rigid and myopic mindset refuses to be flexible or accepts other people’s points of view; it is dangerous indeed. 

Yet two people may look at the same thing and not see it the same way.

Another tension point is “mismatch of impulsive tendency”. I am sure we know people who sees a thing, a bargain, and want to buy it immediately. What comes to their mind is ” I want to grab that” . They may have a partner who is a planner, he will probably think, “but I don’t have to get this now”. In his mind, when the partner reaches out to get an item impulsively, he may have thought, “but we didn’t plan for that”. The danger in a mismatch of impulsive tendency is the thoughts that we allow to prevail and the following actions. For example, an impulsive person might think a planner is no fun, party popper etc., whereas a planner thinks well, I have mastery over my impulses. Thought and actions lead to superiority, disdain on the part of one spouse, actions and thoughts that reveal things like, “you don’t live in the real world”, “I know how to handle money better”, “I’m not wasteful like you” “everything isn’t crisis” and “we really don’t need this right now”. Meanwhile, the other spouse is feeling judged and condescended. They may also harbour ill feelings because they have been misunderstood. 

The danger in a mismatch of impulsive tendency is the thoughts that we allow to prevail and the following actions.

Now how should couples avoid getting into this money trouble? We can learn to thrive in love and money if as a couple we are willing to apply the high leverage solutions. Over three years, a research team found out three intertwined actions will ensure those money tensions points are diffused and couples can thrive in love and money. 

  1. Build cushion for discretionary purchases – couples can have an allowance for any miscellaneous that may come up and allow your spouse and yourself to meet your needs without worrying or feeling judged. Be flexible in your approach, and both spouses must avoid extremes. If you are an impulsive buyer, you can learn to defer and if you are an acute save, please, by all means, learn to respond to your impulse sometimes. Having miscellaneous will not impact the planned money. 
  2. Couples must be comfortable talking about money without tensions and stress. Make it easy to communicate; transparency will allow you and your spouse to speak openly without any suspicion. Can you open your bank details to your spouse? When my children ask for over and above what I can afford, I bring my accounts up and show them; they quickly say, oh mum; we can buy that next time. I have, on many occasions, printed my bank statements and handover to my partner. If there is nothing to hide, we must be able to lay it bare. 
  3. What is underneath how we and our partner respond to money? – this is the crucial aspect that will enable couples to execute the first two points well. Can we try and understand how we react to money? What is driving how you and your partner view money and spending money? This may be an excellent starting point of discussion. 

Would you let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment? It is an encouragement to know someone is blessed and homes saved.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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The combined state of individual health of couples is the health of the marriage.

As a mother of three beautiful children, I have numerous opportunities to train and influence them at every given opportunity: whether it is crossing the road or cooking together. I constantly use stories, pictures, and scenarios to explain and educate them as they grow. Children learn a lot by watching and getting involved than when we give them theories. Why am I sharing this with you? One of the scenarios I used recently to advise my children about the friends or company they keep affect their outlook in life goes like this.  Mixing ten good eggs and accidentally adding one bad egg into the mix. Indeed, the rotten egg takes over and eventually will contaminate the ten good eggs. Also, adding one good egg will not make the bad eggs good if there are ten rotten eggs in the mix. To get a good egg mixture means we should only add good eggs to the mix.

The overall health of a marriage relationship is a result of the individual health of each partner.

The overall health of a marriage relationship is a result of the individual health of each partner.  It is not uncommon for some emotionally deficient people in love, affirmation, and confidence to want to find these things in their marriages. They may be overly reliant on their partner to make them feel loved, wanted, and desirable. Many couples feed on each other’s emotions and energy, and where one person’s emotional health is not that great, it does have a massive impact on the other partner. When you have emotional baggage as an individual, it is very likely that if not dealt with, you will bleed on people around you and especially your spouse because they can see your weakness and vulnerability that you may overcompensate for outside of the home. 

I do not want to lack or be in a position where I cannot meet my needs, so I am very eager to have a secure financial base.

There are a few touchy points that I could not identify by myself until I was bleeding on my spouse. When it comes to finances, I do not want to lack or be in a position where I cannot meet my needs, so I am very eager to have a secure financial base. I had at some point focused so much on having a safe financial position that I forget to consider the impact of my actions on my family. Having someone talk me through why I wanted financial security so much led me to discover, as a child, I had lacked not because we had no money but due to inadequate financial planning and no protection. Because of my childhood experience, I am very conscious of any financial lack and detest it, and it became my touchy point. Even though my husband and I have a good job and our finances are not bad, I seem to always push for investment and financial security; I want us to meet all our needs and lack nothing. Our finances became a conflict, and it was when I discovered the reasons for my desire for financial security, I was able to ask God to help me have a healthy appetite for financial security. 

it was when I discovered the reasons for my desire for financial security, I was able to ask God to help me have a healthy appetite for financial security

Now that was my personal experience; I was afraid of not meeting my family needs even though I did not lack them at that point. I believe some of you might relate to this if you think deeply about why you hurt so much when someone say something or act in a way that triggers anger in you. 

Couples have many pressure points, which always cause conflict and bring up emotional responses or trigger points. Such include, finance, intimacy, raising and disciplining children, respect and love etc.  People have one emotional baggage or the other; it is the ability to recognise, accept and deal with it without spilling our anger, frustration and rejection over our spouse that will help us live a healthy life. Would you want to look deep and consider your emotional trigger point to see how your past experiences may have contributed to you becoming overly sensitive around a topic? 

For some people who appear to be aggressive, it usually point to a deficit of love; they were never loved or celebrated by their parents, so they get irate when someone else is being celebrated and may not understand why?  They are unable to rejoice or be happy when someone else achieves the best. They want to love but incapable of expressing loving attitudes because they weren’t loved. For others, it is fear of intimacy and the inability to be vulnerable with others. They may have been let down by friends or previous relationships where they were weak, and due to that adverse experience, they become closed and unable to trust their current spouse. They may be overly protectives, secretive and suspicious of their partner. 

They want to love but incapable of expressing loving attitudes because they weren’t loved

Where there is no trust, there can’t be openness or vulnerability, and intimacy will be a mirage. Whatever your touchy point may be, you are not alone, please know that there are so many touchy points in our relationships. Identifying them is the first step, to become aware of areas where we reserve for ourselves and will not allow anyone else to visit that space. The depth and deprivation of emotional issues for some people are scared that they don’t want to explore it. However, we may have to confront our monsters before we can defeat them. 

Where there is no trust, there can’t be openness or vulnerability, and intimacy will be a mirage.

So why not look inwards today? Some people may not be able to look at their emotional baggage themselves; it may take getting support from counsellors and being in a safe space where they can gently explore what haunts them without fear of judgment. I can assure you are not alone; everyone has an issue and area of weakness; willingness to seek help and acceptance will set you free. The word is God is a powerful tool to set us free.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here