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Seven common behaviours sabotaging your marriage relationships

Many people are aware of behaviours that jeopardise relationships and are keen to avoid those behaviours when it comes to professional life and friendship outside of marriage. For some strange reason, people are very comfortable with behaviours that damage relationships within marriage. If you have been following my blog, you will realise that I often use illustrations around how organisations work and relate that to success within our marriages. 

If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home?

I am often perplexed when I see harmful behaviours amongst professionals and some who are not professionals, especially regarding how they relate to their spouses. I have seen spouses who have female bosses respect and speak to them kindly at work, and when they get home, they have no iota of respect for their partners. They shout, scream, and throw tantrums such that we wonder how they can speak calmly with other colleagues at work. I want to believe familiarity breeds contempt, but many people are aware of the consequences of contempt of the law in court or at work; hence they can moderate their behaviours in those places, even under intense interrogation.

Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now!

Many partners have male bosses and can accommodate and work with them to achieve targets, yet at home, their spouse may consider them as having no clue how to make decisions and unable to get along making decisions. I often ask myself and my husband these questions: If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home? Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now. 

However, as easy as that may sound, many people cannot break these habits because they are rooted in issues more profound than just the surface reaction. The truth is most of these behaviours in marriage stems from fear, self-esteem issue and vulnerability, which separate marriage from other relationships. 

Having read so many books and listened to other experts speak on this topic, I can summarise the common seven behaviours that couples have which sabotage their relationships as:

  1. Lack of respect for each other.
  2. Speaking harshly, screaming, and shouting at your spouse.
  3. Taking each other’s needs for granted.
  4. Holding grudges, keeping malice, inability to sit down and talk the issue through.
  5. Refusing food, sex, and activities you usually do together as a couple.
  6. Creating division, separation, and resentment due to misunderstandings.
  7. Overly critical of each other and inability to forgive and move on with life.

No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other…

These are seven behaviours of many that people may or may not be aware of, consciously or unconsciously do in their marriage that is self-sabotaging. Whether at work level, friendship level, parent/child or husband and wife, every relationship requires intentionality to sustain and grow that bond. Some people would put effort into parent/child or friendship with colleagues, church members, and neighbours but starve their marriage relationship, expecting it to happen because they are married. They stop dating and courting themselves, yet, they are hoping to have a magnificent relationship. 

When problems arise, rather than fixing the relationship, they will spend time with friends, neighbours, and work colleagues to escape misery. Some will bury their heads into work to avoid repairing or working on their marriage. No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other, and weed out bad habits. At the centre of every successful and happy marriage are couples who consciously stay positive, act, and improve their relationships. 

Let’s reflect on a couple of questions below:

If you are in a relationship that is not happy, what are you doing to nurture your friendship with your spouse? 

What are you expecting from your marriage relationship, and what are your contributions to making that happen? 

If you do not plan to succeed, you have prepared to fail, and this phrase is a common cliché in motivational talks; but it applies in marriage.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Ignore Your Marriage

Marriage can build or destroy the couple involved. I want you to note the ten reasons below, especially if you are a Christian and even if you are not a Christian, they will help you find peace and joy in your marriage.

Your destiny is affected by your marriage

We all have a great future ahead of us and many singles dream of achieving great things in life until they get married. If you are married and fortunate to have a spouse supporting your purpose, as you help your spouse; the sky will be no limit for you. On the other hand, if you make a mistake and marry a spouse that will not support or help you achieve your goals or make your dreams come true, your destiny may be truncated. There is no place where you can achieve your goals with support, like a good marriage. The synergy and blessing that follows are phenomenal. Also, there is no place like a marriage where your dreams and goals can go wrong. Therefore, it is crucial to ensure you marry the right spouse interested in supporting your dreams and aspirations as you also want to help them achieve their goals. 

Your health is directly linked to the state of your marriage

Health is wealth; you can have all the money in the world and still unable to buy health. Your union can stress your health or improve your health. If you are making your relationship beautiful and loving, you will be happy and be at peace. A merry heart does good like a medicine. When your marriage relationship is blissful, your body produces feel-good hormones that increase your immunity. However, if your marriage is stressful, your body will release harmful hormones that contribute to low immune levels. You would agree that couples who are on good terms and enjoying their marriage glow and those who are struggling reflect stressed and dull appearance. Please Do not ignore your marriage because it will affect your health. 

Suggested Read: 5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

Your wealth is increased or decreased because of your marriage.

When you get married, the total household income increases, and research has shown that married couples have more disposable income than single or lone households. A good marriage will continue to increase wealth and leave a good legacy for their children. However, bad marriages result in wastages and decrease wealth, if there is infidelity, money that should be in the family treasury go to others, e.g. adultery. If there is a divorce, the household income will reduce, and we have seen some couples lose their wealth due to divorce settlements. 

Your children’s future is affected by your marriage

Raising Godly children is what the Lord desire from our marriages – Malachi 2:15. When matrimonies are loving, Godly and loving children are raised and reproduce what they have learnt and experienced in their parents’ marriage. The children who grow up in intact homes are likely to go to university and be married. In contrast, children from broken families often are expected to drop out and not complete their education and potentially become offenders. You can see that the way you do your marriage will affect your children’s outcome in life. I believe we must not ignore our marriages so that we can raise godly and responsible children.

Enjoying your old age is dependent on your marital bliss

Many people do not consider their old age and plan for it while young to ensure they can have a good companion and enjoy life with the wife or husband of their youth. Your marriage relationship will determine whether you will be happy and looked after in old age. It is sad to see many married people become lonely and alone when the children have left home. Most of the people that live long and well into their old age have good marriages. It was not that their marriage was trouble-free, but they grew through what they went through and came out stronger and better. I am always joyful when I see an older couple looking after each other, travelling the world together, visiting their children and grandchildren. It is such a joy, and I hope young couples can be careful to think of their old age when faced with marriage difficulties. Think about your old age; your parents and family will not be there when you are old. 

Your prayers can be answered or hindered by your marriage relationship

This point always weighs heavily on my mind because many people are fighting battles against the Lord, and they think the enemy is attacking them. David said Lord let me not be your enemy. There are many verses in the bible that talk about prayers not being answered due to how married couples relate. I would even be more scared if I were a man because God’s word commands that men should deal gracefully with their wife so that their prayers are not unanswered. In Malachi 2, God said He would not look down with favour on an unfaithful husband in dealing with the wife of his youth. In the new testament, Paul admonishes husband and wife not to deny each other their bodies because that will equate to robbing the other partner. The Lord does not look favourably on a robber, in Malachi 3, those who steal will experience calamities.

Your faith is tested and revealed by your marriage happiness level

Every marriage will go through challenges and seasons; the difference between a Godly marriage is the couples’ ability to glorify God and submit to God in every situation they face. When married couples fear God and choose to honour and glorify God, there is no circumstance or problem that they will not be able to overcome together. I have realised that any Christian marriage that breaks up must have one or both couple walking in disobedience to God. It could be the husband not loving the wife as Christ loved or his wife not submitting unto her husband as unto the Lord. There is nowhere our faith is tested than in a marriage because we are naked to our spouse. As Christians, we can deceive other people, but we cannot hide our true self in marriage. The state of our marriages reveals our faith in Christ and obedience to the Lord. It is so sad and disheartening when Christian marriages fail because God has given us all that we need to make a marriage work. 

God is glorified or derided by the state of your marriage

As Christians, we are not perfect, and I understand that we war against our flesh. However, we are called to grow and be more like Jesus, giving glory to the father in all that we do. God created and instituted marriage; He made us male and female and gave us our distinct and different characteristics. God understands we are different, but we can live in harmony and love. When couples make marital bliss look like an impossible task, we limit God’s ideal and purpose in marriage. We must make giving God glory our priority in our marriage, which will help us know what to accept and what to reject. Christians adopt many worldly views in marriage, which is making it challenging to Glorify God. It is a shame that the divorce rate amongst Christians is almost the same as those who are not. What testimony is that? When we ought to be light and salt to the world. 

Suggested Read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with

You are responsible for the success or failure of your marriage

Whenever a husband or wife blame each other, their marriage will suffer. We must take responsibility for the state of our marriage. It is relatively easy to blame someone else or shift the blame, “I did this because you did that”. The moment one realises that we have control over our actions and reactions even though we cannot control another’s activities, we become masters and can control our actions and reactions. I used to shift blame to my husband, and my misery never went away until I changed and focused on myself. The moment I was able to accept responsibility for my behaviours, actions and inactions, the moment I had the power to control my emotions. We often do not realise that we release control to another person when we blame them for our actions. You must learn to take responsibility and work on yourself to gain freedom and grow as an individual. The more you grow, the more mature you become, which will help you respond to negative actions with love. The success or failure of your marriage is in your hand. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to fight. You must take responsibility for your actions or inactions if you desire growth and peace in your marriage.

You can be growing or gripping because of your marriage

Marriage can make us better and grow faster than we could ever think. It is also a double edge sword, and if not correctly handle, it will cause harm and stunt growth. You must not ignore your marriage if you want to grow in all areas of life. Whatever problem your spouse brings is to help you succeed. Every challenge should help you develop if you are aware and wise to use them as steppingstones. If your wife is nagging you, it should help you become a more patient and gentleman. If your husband has a bad temper, it should help you grow and become meek and mild. If your spouse is blowing hot, you should be blowing cold and vice versa. Your most challenging issue is an area of growth; if you approach every challenge this way, you will grow rather than suffer in your marriage. I used to hate budgeting and saving money was not my strength; I have since grown in that area of challenge in my marriage.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here