How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it
for a moment – how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him
or her to be the way you want him or her to be?

Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner – how to
get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with
us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend a lot of energy trying to get what we want from our
partner because we believe that if only we do it right – behave right or say the right thing – we
can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting
another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what we
want, but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves.

  • Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame,
    lectures, explanations, nagging or anger? These protective, controlling ways of
    responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within.
    The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective
    behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain.
    None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves, nor are we taking personal
    responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling
  • In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself –
    to my own feelings? Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results
    from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to be more
    loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive
    with ourselves and with our partner.
  • Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way we handle money, or the
    way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of
    conflicts so that I donít feel like a victim? Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation.
  • Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control? Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you are open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship.

When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partnerís behavior and into taking
loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the
relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to
control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop
your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with
your partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur.

Portrait Of Happy Black Spouses Reading Insurance Documents At Home, Young African American Husband And Wife Sitting At Table In Kitchen, Checking Papers And Counting Family Budget, Closeup Shot

Love In a Busy Season Of Life

Do you ever feel like you catch up with your partner infrequently, often late at night when you’re too tired to speak? Or when your timetables happen to collide? There are work dinners, school outings, sporting practice, dinners with friends, homework to supervise, household chores and so the list goes on. Do you feel like you need to make a date night just to spend some one on one time with your other half? Time when you’re not sleeping? If this sounds like you then I’m sure you will enjoy these tips for keeping each other close at heart, even if you cannot always be as physically close as you would like. It’s all about communicating and sharing the little things that make up our lives. Here are ten easy ways to make your feelings known:

  1. Birthday Love Letter- There is something powerful about a letter. Writing down all the things that you love about the other person and then giving them to them is a very personal and thoughtful thing to do. In many cases, it’s better than any gift you could possibly imagine and something to appreciate and cherish even when the birthday is a distant memory. You can do it for your children, too, if you have any, and they will never need to doubt that you love them. Of course, you don’t have to wait until it is your loved ones’ birthday to send them a letter; anytime is a good time to tell them how you feel about them.
  1. Sit Down and Talk About Your Day- One of the best times to do this is over a meal. If you are not much of a talker, plan out things you would like to tell your partner. Mention three things that happened, or the best/worst part of your day.
  1. Celebrate all your partners successes with them from a high five to a glass of champagne. Whatever the scale of the success calls for, make it a joint celebration.
  1. Allow yourself to be impressed by your partner and let them know. I’m proud of you is something that I think everyone loves being told by someone they care about.
  1. Never underestimate the power of a hug- Humans actually require a certain amount of hugs a day. Don’t forget to hug the people you love.
  1. Send them a photo that means a lot to you and tell them why it’s important to you.
  1. Share an experience. It could be a movie, music, article, or a short story. Talk about what you read or saw and why you liked or disliked it. And do it regularly.
  1. Compliments- Everyone loves getting them so never pass up the opportunity to give one of these reliable mood boosters. You can give them in person or write them on a small piece of paper and leave them somewhere unexpected for your loved one to find.
  1. Dance- It doesn’t take long to find a great song you both enjoy, put it on and dance around the living room floor. It is a wonderful way to physically reconnect with each other in between dinner and dessert or at the end of a long evening or you could make it an unusual way to start your day.
  1. Thoughtful gestures- Doing something unexpected, especially when your loved one is busy and stressed, is a lovely way to show that you understand what they are going through and that they have your support.

Showing your partner how much you love them need not take a lot of time and you will be rewarded many times over for your effort. Get Loving today!

White Sticky Note With Sorry Message And Red Push Pin On Yellow Background

Don’t Just Say You’re Sorry, Show You’re Sorry

The words, “I’m sorry” can get us out of trouble when we’ve done something wrong or hurt someone we care about but the key to a good apology is really meaning it and convincing the other person that you are truly remorseful. Apologizing just for the sake of keeping the peace is not an effective way to apologize. In doing so the recipient of the apology will most likely see through you and realize that your apology is insincere. A sincere and well timed apology, however, will help to mend the relationship that was harmed by your words or actions.

The most important way to prove that you are truly sorry for hurting someone is to ensure that the hurtful action is not repeated. Apologizing over and over while continuing to make the same mistake shows that your apology is not really sincere. On the other hand if you really mean that you are sorry for an action you will take careful steps not to repeat this action. Apologizing for your actions is one thing but being cautious not to repeat your actions really proves that you are indeed sorry.

Being specific regarding the reason for your apology also really proves that you are sorry. Many people are quick to offer an apology when they realize someone is upset with them but often they don’t take the time to figure out why the other person is upset. Apologizing without stating the reason for the apology shows that you don’t understand the problem and that you are not sincere in your apology. This is not an effective way to make an apology. However, if you offer a specific reason for your apology you are proving that you understand what you did to hurt the other person and that you do not want to repeat that action.

Another way to prove that your apology is authentic is to be sure to offer the apology in person. Having a third party speak to the person you have offended or apologizing via email or voice mail conveys a lack of caring. This kind of apology shows that you aren’t truly sorry for your actions. Meeting with the person face to face to have a sincere conversation and offer your apology is one way to really prove that you are sorry. It shows that you care enough about the other person to meet with them directly to try to make amends for your contributions to the disagreement.

In apologizing, if you want to prove that you really mean it, be careful not to place blame on the person you are apologizing to. Your apology is about telling the other person why you believe that you did something wrong. While they may have contributed to the situation, now is not the time to point out their faults. Instead take full responsibility for what you have done wrong. Accepting full responsibility for your actions and apologizing for them without placing blame on the other person will prove that your apology is sincere.

A genuine apology will also include telling the other person why your actions were wrong and how you intend to avoid hurting them in the future. Doing this proves to them not only that you understand you were wrong but that you understand why you were wrong. It also lets them know that you have already formulated a plan of action to ensure that this situation does not arise in the future.

The timing of your apology can also help to prove that you really are sorry. Waiting too long to apologize may show that you donít really care and that you are simply apologizing as an afterthought. An apology that is made too early may risk being ignored because the recipient of the apology is still too upset to listen to what you are saying. Itís important to give the other person a chance to vent their anger and calm down before rushing to apologize. After a reasonable amount of time approach them and let them know that you understand their anger and believe that it is justified and that you wanted to give them a chance to calm down before apologizing.

Sometimes it is not enough to simply apologize for your words or actions. It is often necessary to not only apologize but to also prove that your apology is sincere. A truly sincere apology proves that you are sorry by addressing the issue and acknowledging what you have done wrong while validating the other personís right to be angry and addressing how you will avoid similar actions in the future.


Happy Friendship = Happy Life

How to have happy friends? This is a very important question. Who likes friends who don’t smile and laugh? Who enjoys meeting friends who look serious? Not any one of us.

What about ourselves? Do we make happy friendships? Do we make our friends happy? Before thinking about others, wouldn’t it be better if we first analyze our own selves? Do we smile more often when we are with our friends? Do we laugh at the smallest joke? Or do we have a serious expression on our face all the time with our friends? Let us first think about our own behavior and correct whatever we can.

  • Making happy friendships- Make yourself look happy with your friends and your friends will reflect. That is the secret of happy friendship. Our emotions are reflected in our body language. The reverse is equally true. Does this help us? It does. It can change our state of mind by changing our physical state. For example, if you are feeling bored, try to look cheerful and you will start becoming cheerful. It is strange, but it works. If you are feeling sad, try to look happy. You will find the sadness going away. Isn’t it great?
  • How do we talk with friends? Happiness also depends on what we talk about with our friends. Are we always talking of our own life or do we also listen to them? Listening is the best way to make friends happy. Listen and do it carefully. No pretensions. Your friends will be happy that someone heard them out without interruption. You will also be making your friendship stronger. Listening is very good. By listening, we make the other person feel important. We also make him/her feel happy and relieved. By talking things out, one feels relieved. Isn’t it?
  • Give and you shall receive- the third law of Newton. Apply this law in your life and make happy friends. You can make them happy right now by telling them about how much you appreciate their friendship. Listening to your friends, keeping a happy state of mind in their company and appreciating the friendship will make happy friends. Make your life happier and your relationships stronger with happy friends.

How To Plan an Economical Romantic Weekend Getaway with Your Spouse

Spending time with each other as husband and wife is key to keeping romance, life and flame in our relationships burning. Many people often think of paying a considerable amount of money when organizing a trip; it should not be so. You can spend time together without spending a fortune, and I bet you, your spouse, will feel the love, and you will be satisfied. 

You do not need to spend a lot of money to have a romantic weekend getaway with your husband or wife. There are many opportunities for inexpensive weekend trips that create a special memory with the one you love. The feeling that if you do not spend a lot of money, you will sacrifice style and luxury has kept most couples bound and deprived them of that quality bonding time together. 

Below are tips on how and where to spend romantic time together without bursting your wallet:

You and your spouse can go camping over the weekend; there are many camping facilities and good choices in and around your area. Decide to camp with your spouse, set up a tent, cook over an open fire, and gaze at the stars at night. Just thinking about that moment is already magical. Pack food from home, so you don’t have to spend money on food: finger foods, precooked foods, marshmallows, etc., will be an inexpensive way to create a lover’s feast in the moonlight and a memory you can’t forget. Do this often as you can and see what difference it makes in your marriage. And you don’t have to go outside; your garden or backyard can be a good spot on a good day.

Another inexpensive option is to drive small-town and lodge in bed and breakfasts that offer excellent services, delightful food, and appealing rooms for a low price. A smaller town with a picturesque area is a great way to spend some time away from the city and share special moments with your spouse. 

If you are ready to spend a bit more, book yourselves into a nearby Spa hotel, again you can bring your food, so you don’t have to spend a lot of food, ensure your suite has a kitchenette and make yourselves a good breakfast. After having a relaxing spa at the facility, spend your time checking out the local places of interest, museums, and attractions and retire back to finish off at the hotel. 

Once in a while, you can indulge your spouse, save up toward spending a weekend at a luxury hotel, booking during the off-season can come cheap and also look out for couple packages. You can create exceptional romantic getaway moments by walking hand in hand along a river, beach or taking a hike in the mountains, and you will spend very little if you find cheap accommodations and bring your own food or packages that offer half board.

These ideas are simple, but you need to commit to it, create time and save towards it, prioritize time away with your spouse at least once a quarter, have memories, and I am sure you will always look forward to those times. 

I hope you will plan one getaway today; either of you can plan it, don’t leave it to one person to initiate.


Do you pray for your marriage and partner enough? Would you like to pray more?

On many occasions when I have watched programmes on television, there are instances where people who would typically not believe in God or prayer suddenly find themselves in a precarious situation. What mostly comes out without thinking is, oh my God (OMG!), or people start to mumble prayers to God they never thought existed. It sometimes seems natural to pray at difficult times but unnatural to pray or seek God when things are going well or enjoying our lives. As couples, we must begin to cultivate prayer attitudes that will catapult our relationships to a higher altitude. Early in my marriage, I wouldn’t set aside time to deeply cover my husband and our marriage aside from the regular daily prayer we turn to routine as Christian. 

As couples, we must begin to cultivate prayer attitudes that will catapult our relationships to a higher altitude

However, we know better to pray and warfare for our marriage, husband, children, loved one, and community because the enemy does not like good things to continue. Both husband and wife need to realise that marriage is beautiful, and the enemy or the adversary does not welcome any beautiful thing. Bible tells us that while men slept, the enemy came to sow tares in the field and went his way. Prayer covering our spouse, marriage and family must become our priority, and we must no longer wait until the evil seed sown by the enemy has germinated, grown to a mighty oak before we start tearing it down. I am sure you will agree with me that killing an evil seed before it germinates is a lot easier than uprooting a mighty oak that resulted from that tiny seed. Yet many couples enter marriage intending to enjoy loving each other forever only to realise they no longer hold that promise. Often, we tackle marital breakdown and troubles from marital ignorance, lack of conflict resolution skills, financial crises, interference from family and in-laws etc. I have noticed that we also fail to check evil attacks and seduction of the underworld. The Bible says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus’ came to give us eternal and abundant life. 

We do not like to fight the enemy when there is no evidence of attack or problems, which is the devil’s sly and strategy

We do not like to fight the enemy when there is no evidence of attack or problems, which is the devil’s sly and strategy. It makes us relaxed and never thinks of prayer covering our good fortunes. Many marriages and couples suffer due to ego entanglements, seductive spirits, illegal evil attachments, divination, enchantment, and spiritual attack that could be prevented if we were discerning. Still, often the enemy penetrates us and only when we start to feel the pain and pinch that we realise something went wrong. 

often the enemy penetrates us and only when we start to feel the pain and pinch that we realise something went wrong 

Otherwise, how could we explain some demonic domestic abuse happening all over our cities and communities? I am not advocating that we become paranoid and see every issue in our marriage as an attack. Still, we must be vigilant, prayer cover and warfare for our partners, children, marriage, and family regularly.

Why not join us on our Facebook group to pray daily into your marriage? Prayer covers your spouse mind, soul, and body, protect your children in the supernatural and physical, and so when evil seeds drop, your prayers will quickly destroy them. When a satanic representative sees your family, your husband, they will not make a nest and rest in your territory.

We need men and women who will be vigilant in the supernatural, keeping the enemy out of our territory and waging war for our husband, wife, children, and community. A good marriage will make God happy and the enemy miserable. Now it looks like the enemy is rejoicing over marriages given the alarming rates of leakages of joy, peace, resources etc. God does not intervene, except we ask Him to do so today, make up your mind to wake up from the slumber of the enemy and pray.  


3 tips to grow old gracefully and joyfully with your spouse

One of the principles of marriage that I hope many people and couples comprehend is its longevity and permanency. Still, somehow, our culture and tradition have found a way to make believe and deceive many people that marriage don’t last long. Some people do not see their marital relationship as the most important and superior to all other relationships in their life. Getting this notion and fact right creates a solid foundation for having a long and loving marriage. 

No wonder the Bible tells us that for this reason (marriage), a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. It is such a pity that many people do not abide by this command; they prefer to go with worldly views and sayings such as – “A wife can leave you, but your parents will never leave you”. How I wish I could tell every man and woman that statement is not entirely true, parents disown, and parents will and should go to heaven before children. So, parents will leave you, and it will be you and your wife or husband. Even the children you have together will flee the nest at some point.

One of the principles of marriage that I hope many people and couples grasp is its longevity and permanency

Marriage is built to last long; husband and wife will live together longer than they would ever have to live with their parents, friends, siblings, or neighbours if God gives them long life. Looking at the average age when people leave home to start living on their own or get married, we can comfortably say around age 18 – 27 years. We know that some people stay at home till around age 30, but no one in that situation would find it normal. 

However, couples who marry early and age well into their 90s and 100s can celebrate 70 years together, and most couples look forward to celebrating their golden jubilee, 50 years of living and doing life together. So, it is no surprise to see that a marriage relationship is the most important relationship we can have; not only is it intimate, which we cannot do with any member of our family, we totally become one with our spouse in the form of having a child or children together, that signifies two becoming one. There is no way you can separate yourself by dividing your children.

Marriage is built to last long; husband and wife will live together longer than they would ever live with their parents, friends, siblings, or neighbours.

Having a full understanding of the principle above and accepting that you and your wife want to live long, why would anyone not want that relationship to grow better and sweeter each day? 

I am looking forward to a long and rewarding marriage, so I am prepared to work and make my marriage sweet. Below are tips and suggestions you can engage to help you and your spouse grow together in love, mature and sweet an aged wine.

  1. Find ways to serve and not to be served – one of the acts in a marriage that removes selfishness is to find out why you are into that marriage. Are you to help your spouse, or are you there to be served? From the cultural influence and background, I grew up with, many of our male species believe marriage is to serve them while women get into the marriage having been trained to support and not expect to be helped. Some men want to get married, so they no longer have to respect the woman; they become overwhelmed with power and selfish because they are the head, and no one is above them in the marriage. Whether you are the head or not, we ought to follow the example of our Lord Jesus Christ; He is the head and creator of the universe, yet able to serve humbly and wash the feet of His disciples. I wonder if you can wash your wife’s dirty feet when she comes back from the market? We naturally want to serve as women, and I know I may be biased as I am a woman and speaking from my experience.

I wonder if you can wash your wife’s dirty feet when she comes back from the market?

  1. Find ways to bond and refuse separation – Growing together is like grafting another piece of a plant into the trunk of a tree. Before the grafting is complete, the two parts must be tied together for some time and continue to be tighter and nurtured for the bond to be strong enough to prevent the grafted plant from breaking away. Wedding day is the day of grafting, and it will take many years of care, nurture and intentional bonding for husband and wife to grow together. One of the ways they prevent perfect bonding is separation, physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional, psychological, financial, etc. Couples do not realise that a separation weakens their bond of love. Be on guard, never allow separation and always look for ways to bond; even when you have misunderstandings, remain together. The enemy uses lies and separations as a tool to cause disaffection. Don’t fall prey and if you are separated in any form, please find ways to bond. Sexual bonding is a way to start.  

Wedding day is the day of grafting, and it will take many years of care, nurture and intentional bonding for husband and wife to grow together.

  1. Find one reason to hold onto each other – Couples in marriages that celebrate 50+ years are not magicians; their marriage is not devoid of troubles or misunderstandings; they only resolve to hold onto each other and weather the storm together. Your spouse is not perfect, neither are you! Therefore, find one reason to keep hold of your spouse. There must be no reason to love your spouse: Paulo Coelho quotes it best “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving”.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving – Paulo Coelho”

My prayer and heart desire are for the truth of God to permeate every husband, wife, and marriage. You shall know the truth, and it will set you free. Many homes, families and unions have been destroyed by believing the enemy’s lies originating from evil cultural traditions and entrenchment. I pray the wind of change, illuminating light of God will seep into every darkness and bring joy, peace, and long-lasting marriages. 

A good and lasting marriage is a solid foundation for Godly children and society.


5 Effective Tips on How to Love and Cherish Your Wife

Some years ago, I received a gift of a precious gem from my partner, and it was a birthstone gem with some bling attached to it. It was a gift I cherished, so I kept it safe and admired it a lot. Whenever I wear it, I am aware and will always be on the lookout, checking it’s not lost etc. The word cherish is important to women, and it is one of the words husbands’ vows during a marriage ceremony. I believe some people do not fully understand the word cherish nor grasp its depth and how it impacts a marriage. 

I believe some people do not fully understand the word cherish nor grasp its depth. 

The English dictionary defines CHERISH as caring and protecting someone lovingly. To hold dear and keep in mind and have hope or ambition. If I want to explain the word “to cherish” to a man, I would like to think the best thing to exemplify it is how a man loved his car, his wristwatch or some of their toy gadgets. I can attest to how some men I know care and cherish their vehicles. While a woman’s car may be scruffy, men usually ensure their vehicle is cleaned and serviced; they will not allow anyone to kick, stain or dirty this car. No matter how many times this car fails to work, the car will be taken to a mechanic to repair and restore it. No matter how many times this car has caused disappointment by not getting its owner to the destination, it was picked up to be repaired. Its value has not diminished to its owner, even though some people would look at this car and say what an old, rugged car, to its owner, its worth is not determined by the number of faults, failure, or age. It is simply an item that they treasure. This is what it means to love and cherish. 

he is always present to protect and care for the gift God gave him and allowed him to choose so he will not blame God.

Can you imagine a man that loves and cherishes his wife this way! It would mean there can never be abuse, no matter their differences and challenges; he is always present to protect and care for the gift God gave him and allowed him to choose so he will not blame God. 

I hope every man choosing a woman to love and cherish will grasp this understanding first and know the weight of the vow and commitment he is entering. No wonder the bible warned men to deal with women with care so that their prayers are not hindered. When a person’s prayers are delayed, the blessings are hindered. I pray many who are suffering today because of the way they have treated or treated the gift of God in their lives will get understanding. It is not a cliché but biblical: A Cherished wife is a treasure that will bring joy to her husband. 

No wonder the bible warned men to deal with women with care so that their prayers are not hindered

Below are five tips on how you can begin or continue to cherish your wife. 

  1. Do you have a conviction that your wife is your other half if not your better half – your wife one with you? Whatever you do to her will affect you. It is ignorant and unwise if you do not consider her part of you that’s not easily divided. I always illustrate with the children in a marriage; you cannot separate them. It is only with your wife that you become truly one. Your umbilical cord was severed from your mother and siblings, but you cannot sever your wife without getting hurt yourself. 
  2. Do not mistreat or abuse your wife; she is a treasure that God allowed you to have. A woman does not need to groan because of you – Make sure your wife is blessing you because of how you deal with her delicately. She is not a weak subordinate but delicate and so handled with care. Don’t let her sigh because heaven and earth will respond.
  3. Do genuinely care, protect, and shield your wife in a difficult situation – what you say to people about your wife, how you deal with her in public and how you fight her reveal whether you cherish your wife. Love covers a multitude of sins. A man’s virtuous woman is by their definition, and people will believe what you call your wife. 
  4. You cannot spoil her too much – once you get tip number one right, you will have no problem spending and providing for your wife. I am sure you cannot cloth, love or feed half of your body! You are not entirely clothed. How you treat your wife reflects on you. 
  5. Do recognise, she is a gift and your favour from God – your wife is your favour and a blessing; remember that: it will help you adore, cherish, and love her, especially if you recognise and believe God gave you this gift. 

As a husband or husband to be: How are you treating this gift and how would you cherish this woman? It reflects on you and on God too. 

Would you be proud to say I cherish and love my wife? 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:25-30)

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here


5 Unusual but Effective Tips on How to Honour and Respect your Husband

Once in a while, we wonder how and why human relationships seem complex and different? I heard a story recently of a man who was unhappy with his wife and felt the wife did not respect him because she did not serve his food in a particular way. He felt disrespected and humiliated rather than honoured as a husband. Oh, there was a lot of disapproval and criticism of the wife’s action, and some people even advised the man to send the wife back to her parents for lack of home training. Ironically so many others and even some men commented and were not bothered if they get served with trays, gold dishes, best cutlery etc.

What a man considered an honour, respect, or lack of it might not necessarily mean the same for another man

Reading the various comments got me thinking why what a man considered an honour, respect, or lack of it might not necessarily mean the same for another man. It is now left to the woman to find out and define what her husband may consider as respect, honour, or lack of it. That is why offering advice on how to do marriage can be a challenge, as what works for me may not necessarily work for you. So many factors contribute to giving and receiving the honour, respect, or lack thereof. Today, my suggestions are based on the scriptural references and what we could consider foundational or universally agreed-on forms of honour. It would not be absolute for everyone, but I can assure you that it will help us be better wives to our husbands.

Men love honour and respect; tell me if anyone does not want to be appreciated, praised or held in high esteem and adored!

Men love honour and respect; tell me if anyone does not want to be appreciated, praised, or held in high esteem and adored! Every man deserves respect and recognition but not every man understands the responsibility or have the capability and behaviours that produce honour, respect and adoration. That is why as women, we must teach ourselves, encourage, and intentionally honour and respect our husbands even when they fall short of behaviours that would naturally aid us in applauding them. 

Below are five tips:

  1. Do regard your husband as the head of your family – the Lord has bestowed headship on the man from the beginning, and that is not contestable if we are in a Godly marriage. The head of an organisation is responsible for the success and failure of that entity, but in marriage, success and failure are often left to women. Sometimes, we may get carried away trying to make the marriage work and usurp power that causes great dishonour to our heads.
  1. Do shower your husband with praises – compliments work magic on anyone; even in the bible, we hear David referred to as the man after God’s heart; why? Because David knew how to praise God. Even when he complained or asked God to punish him, he still found a space to worship and praise God. Consequently, when he errs, God forgives him and rebuked his enemies. It is effortless to criticise, but we must learn to honour and applaud our husbands for the things they do and sometimes do not do. I am learning and checking. Have I been praised ten times before I raised my one complaint? Let us know to praise and the thankful in all situations.
  1. Do refrain from correction but gently advise if he is in error – this one goes against our nature as women because we are naturally able to nurture and correct. As women, we raised our children, both boys and girls alike, so it can be a little challenging for us to refrain from correcting our husbands. On the other hand, men are used to their mum correcting them; now that they are married, they don’t want another woman fixing them, some of them are happy they escaped from the criticism of their mothers only to get it from their wives. Do you understand why men do not like to receive criticism from their wives?
  1. Make him your number one go-to adviser – I am not sure if this applies to all men. Still, I have found out that some men love to be regarded as the wisest, so seeking advice and letting your husband know you need him more than anyone else, especially another male mentor, can be a plus. Secretly our husbands want to be our best mentors, but sometimes some of them fall short and do not know how to measure up or mentor us.
  1. Be so proud of your husband and let the world know he is the best husband ever – “My husband is the best husband ever” is a phrase every husband would love to hear, especially if said behind their back, and then they get to hear about it. It makes them feel honoured, adored and proud. It is easy to say you are the best when indeed you are the best, but not so easy when we have to say that statement by faith calling those things that be not as though they are. However, someone’s definition of best is again subjective.

“My husband is the best husband ever” how about you? Would you make this your slogan from now on?


Nice isn’t a good enough reason to marry someone: we need the Holy Spirit too!

Have you ever met friendly but naughty people at the same time? Children are very good at playing nice but at the same time be naughty, and so the joy and pleasure given for being nice are wiped away when naughtiness sets in. We have not seen these types of scenarios in life where at an exact point an item can be cold and hot at the same time. It explains the complexity of human nature and interaction. 

Many people have gone into a relationship because the person asking their hand in marriage or the one that professed to love them was considered a nice man or nice woman. Do you know that being nice is not listed as a fruit of the spirit? 

I am yet to see a person who deliberately married someone who was not pleasant to them when they met. Marriage is a test of our character, our faith and our morality. Many husbands and wives would have been the best friend forever, best employee, best uncle, best aunty, best brother, or sister until marriage show their true self. Marriage has shown repeatedly that a nice man or woman will not necessarily become a loving partner. 

Marriage was God’s idea, and He created it to bring Him glory and honour and show how two completely different people can live together in love and harmony. Some people profess and prefer to love the God they cannot see and people from afar rather than the people they can see closely. The test of truly loving the way God wants us to love, is when we can love our spouse who is the closest to us, we are more open and vulnerable to our spouse than anyone else. Loving people who constantly upset or annoy us is possible by a supernatural presence of the Holy Spirit, and that is why it seems marriage is hard. We cannot love without the help of the Holy spirit. 

The Holy Spirit helps us be a loving spouse, especially when our husband or wife is hard to love. The fruit of the Holy Spirit listed in Galatians 5: 22-23 states:  

“22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things”

Let us look at the fruit of the spirit – Joy! a deep-seated feeling that is not affected by our circumstances, and it is a knowing that we are Gods and no matter the situation around us, we have joy or find joy. Most people lose their joy in marriage because it really wasn’t joy, they had in the beginning. What some had was a feeling of love, euphoric love that wanes over time and pleasures that come with loving someone, especially sexually. These and more are what many counts as joy. No wonder when the passion fades, they can’t find joy in their lives and marriage anymore. 

What about kindness and patience? Many people naturally lack these characteristics, but the Holy Spirit produces these in us when we allow him. 

I hope today; you can look at yourself as I would myself and check that being nice or called nice alone cannot help us be the best spouse we could be. Are you allowing the holy spirit to cultivate the fruit of the spirit in you? Remember, like any tree that would bear fruit, we must be buried like a seed, which means dying to self, ego, flesh, and then sprouting a new shoot and reaching out to the sun while deepening our root into the ground. 

Submit to the holy spirit and be the best version of yourself, bless your spouse and enjoy marriage.