September 2021 - Abi Apalara

Can Mercy and Grace Make Marriages Merry?

A few months ago, I told my children “No more snacks” because they ate up the snacks I bought within a week. My thought was the snacks would last up to a month. Am I sure some people can relate to this! However, before I knew it, we were in the shop again, buying more snacks. Parents have a way of forgiving and being merciful to their children. The word mercy is defined as “compassion or forgiveness shown towards someone who is within one’s power to punish or harm” or simply “not getting what you deserve”. God is a compassionate father, and if you and I should get the reward of what we deserve, undoubtedly no one will get to heaven. God didn’t want anyone to perish, hence He paid the price and forgave us all our past, present, and future sins.

We cannot love like our father in heaven without developing an attitude of Mercy and compassion towards our spouse.

Many people do not fully understand the concept of Mercy in marriage. We cannot love like our father in heaven without developing an attitude of Mercy and compassion towards our spouse. Some people have read or come across people who have no concept of compassion or Mercy. Psychologists refer to such beings as having narcissistic personalities. They cannot feel sympathy or empathy towards someone else, their belief is in punishment, and see to it that they avenge themselves. What you give is what you get with these types of people, yet the astonishing thing is some of these people claim to be Christians. They pray and fast and cry out to God for Mercy, and they get no result: they are unforgiving and unable to extend the Grace and Mercy they desire.

Any marriage or relationship where Mercy does not prevail will struggle with resolving conflict quickly.

Any marriage or relationship where Mercy does not prevail will struggle with resolving conflict quickly. As Christians, we must learn to put on the attitude of Mercy and grace; some couples do not reconcile quickly or ever at all, because one or both wants to avenge or revenge. Judgment and no mercy is what they crave. Mercy comes from a Hebrew word that means womb. The womb protects the baby inside it. A merciful spouse is concerned about protecting their partner and marriage and less concerned about self-preservation. A mother cares more for the baby in her womb and goes through the many changes to her body and the risks associated with birthing a baby. Her main concern while pregnant is the safe delivery of that baby. God has shown as a father we can be compassionate just as mothers are compassionate, it is not gender specific. Compassionate people care and protect their families; they show Mercy which result into happy and joyful marriages.

A merciful spouse is concerned about protecting their partner and marriage and less concerned about self-preservation.

How merciful are you towards your spouse? Do you desire a happy marriage? Have you considered being merciful? You may have the power to control, dominate and hurt people because of your position in your marriage, but you don’t have to choose that path. Bind mercy and truth to your neck and see how graceful, beautiful, and loving you will become.

Be merciful as your father in heaven is merciful. Shalom.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships.

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

How Bonded is your Holy Marriage

A godly marriage is a holy bond between the couples and God as a witness. Christian marriages are a Holy Bond, and that does not disqualify or minimise other marriages. However, if you’ve asked God to be a witness between you and your spouse, you have entered a covenant of marriage as a holy bond. Why is that so, you may want to ask? Our God is holy; hence this principle will not apply to all marriages but to those who entered a sacred marriage.

A godly marriage is a holy bond between the couples and God as a witness.

Many marriages are not as strong as God intended them to be; some couples have loosened their marital bond by emotional, physical and mental separation. Some people wonder why God has not answered their prayers even though they want a happy marriage but find themselves struggling. The reason is in God’s word, the Holy Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:12 – One standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer; three is even better, for a triple-braided cord is not quickly broken (TLB). Couples who invite and honour God in their marriage form a threefold cord that is not quickly broken.

Couples who invite and honour God in their marriage form a threefold cord that is not quickly broken.

God has given us all that pertains to life and Godliness in His Word; without leaving and cleaving, husband and wife are in danger of the inability to bond and weave into each other. Also, without fear, reverence, and honour of God in a marriage, couples leave room for the God strand to go loose in their marriage. Holy matrimony is a sacred bond between a husband and his wife with God as a witness, and the third cord is needed to make this bond strong.

When spouses do not get this foundation right, they begin to loosen the bond in their marriage: the first step can be subtle, such as refusing to follow God’s law about marriage, lack of joint fellowship such as praying together, fasting, and serving God together. It is vital and critical that couples guard their relationship with God together intentionally. The enemy cannot penetrate efficiently couples who are alert and have made God their fortress.

The enemy cannot penetrate efficiently couples who are alert and have made God their fortress.

The laws of marriage are simple yet easily ignored by many couples. One of the laws of marriage is – Husband loves your wife as Christ loved the church. When a husband decides to love his wife as Christ loved the church, no measure of sin is unforgivable.

When a woman obeys the laws of Marriage as God required: to submit to her husband, it will not be a complicated matter to serve and honour her husband, and abuse will not occur when both partners fear the Lord. All we need for a holy marriage is simple and easy, but like salvation, many ignore it and find themselves outside of God’s will.

A holy marriage honours God and will not be easily broken.

We must therefore keep in mind the three strands of a strong, Godly and happy marriage are:

1. A guarded relationship with God together as a couple. We must never allow separation of our union with God first and foremost.

2. A resolution by both spouses to obey Gods law of love and submission is not a matter of chicken and egg but a request of both partners to obey God.

3. A firm commitment to leave and cleave to each other and God; this ensures the threefold cord is maintained and remain bonded and stronger.

We must remember the enemy’s trick is to initiate division subtly first; once you allow him a foot in, he will create a gorge before you know it. Even in intense moments of fellowship, as some refer to the ever-present married couple arguments, make sure you do not allow separation of any form. A holy marriage honours God and will not be easily broken.

How closely knit are you, your spouse and your God?

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Marriage has two sides, Beautiful and Ugly: which side are you facing and nurturing?

I love collecting British coins because, on the flip side of some of the coins, there are images worth much more than the face value of each currency. Rare Brexit 50p coins with the words: Peace, Prosperity, and Friendship with all nations 2020 written on the side are listed for £15,000 online. Now, if you and I have this 50p coin and never looked at the other side before exchanging it for a 50p sweet, what a treasure we forfeit, if we did look at the other side of the coin, which my daughter is much obsessed with now, we could have a deposit for a house.

You have treasure on the other side of your spouse that you are missing if you fail to consider both sides of their coin.

Therefore, why am I sharing this illustration with you as a single unmarried person or married couple? You have treasure on the other side of your spouse that you are missing if you fail to consider both sides of their coin. Likewise, if you see only the ugly side of your spouse and decide not to consider looking at the other beautiful side, you probably deny and cheat yourself of the joys of marriage. If you are seeing the beautiful side of your partner and you are not prepared to face their ugly side when the coin flips, you are also setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment. I am so amazed when people approach marriage as a fairy-tale or a madhouse view only. Marriage is a combination of good and evil; it is our choice to nurture the excellent side and continuously reduce the ability of the nasty side to take over our beautiful marriage.

I am so amazed when people approach marriage as a fairy-tale or a madhouse view only.

I want you to list the good attributes you found in your spouse when you decided to marry them, also list the irritating characteristics you found initially. Still, you accepted and thought you would live by or, if you are those living in fairy-tale land, assumed you would change. Oh no, you cannot change another person’s make-up or mindset; you can influence people, which is done by showing them much love, being a good leader and accepting people as they are. It is the love and care we offer that move people to change behaviours. Also, some people believe they know what is good and what is wrong. Yes, there are standard moral codes, but most of the attributes that irritate our relationships are different views. We must be prepared to accept other people’s points of view.

…most of the attributes that irritate our relationships are different views.

For instance, the standard of cleanliness in someone’s house may be different from my house, depending on who and how we were brought up. Consider people doing cleaning jobs and clean other people’s homes, they will likely have a higher standard of cleanliness than those who probably work in the construction industry where they are covered in dust all day long. Noticing a speck of dust at home for a construction expert is probably not going to be a deal-breaker, yet for another spouse who works in a cleaning company, a speck of dust is a deal-breaker. Therefore, we must check why we are easily angered or irritated at the way of life of our partner, we must understand our difference, they as the spice of life, and we must do our best to accommodate other people’s points of view.

… we must do our best to accommodate other people’s points of view.

So, what will you do differently today? Are you going to consider the other side of the coin of your spouse? Are you going to be flexible and be prepared to have a broad mind and love your spouse irrespective of your different points of view? If you choose to accept and love yourself and your spouse, you will enjoy the beautiful side of marriage more than the ugly side.

Great marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.