Why should we have regular training on how to do marriage?

I have left university now, It’s been some decades, and I have not stopped learning and getting trained to get better at doing my job. I have realised organisations and people who want to become better and do great things invest time, money and other resources into training and implementing new ideas. If you are not improving yourself, you will stagnate as other people are improving their lives. I often wonder why this attitude is not translated into our marital relationships. Some couples have no interest in getting marital education and training before starting the journey. Many who had premarital counselling stop attending marital training as soon as they are married because they believe they know what to do. 

Many who had premarital counselling stop attending marital training…

Many marriages in trouble today will benefit from training and ongoing support. The best leaders have mentors and regularly update their knowledge, skills and build new attitudes. For example, previous management principles were centred around hierarchy, carrot and stick or transactional methods in our corporate work circle. Progressive organisations have moved over to transformational and more horizontal leadership because they have realised, creativity, loyalty and productivity can be enhanced when you empower employees and motivate them to take responsibility for their performance. This movement results from years of innovation, adoption of new ideas and training managers and leaders. I want to believe the state of our marriages demand training for everyone considering entering the institution. 

The best leaders have mentors and regularly update their knowledge, skills and build new attitudes.

In one of his messages, Dr Myles Munroe said that if anyone wants to be married in their church, they are required to undergo a nine-month marriage course. The idea of nine-month-long training puts many couples off, especially those who just wanted a celebrity wedding, and when they get to the nitty-gritty of what marriage entails, they back out. Those who tried to commit to having a good marriage stayed the course and consequently went on to have a fruitful marriage.

The SYMBIS emphasises another way to corroborate the need for marital education (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) premarital assessment by Dr Les & Leslie Parrott. The SYMBIS assessment taken by over one million couples was administered by SYMBIS assessment facilitators; research reveals that taking the SYMBIS reduces the divorce rate by 31%. That is saving every one in three marriages from ending in divorce.  

I am afraid; many people have the wrong attitude towards marriage.

People’s ideology and mindset towards marriage significantly affect the outcome of their relationship, and I am afraid; many people have the wrong attitude towards marriage. For some people, getting into marriage means halving their responsibilities and being served by their spouse. Some even feel they will have more freedom and so want to quickly leave their parents’ house to have a life of freedom. However, when they get married, they often realise they still need to be accountable to their spouse, pay bills and serve their spouse.  

I wonder if you realise that “to marry means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties”? A quote by Arthur Schopenhauer.

Most successful marriages result from two people who decide to work together to have a beautiful relationship. How are you training yourself to have the right mindset about marriage and your spouse?

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here


Love is an action word and doing word: for matured minds only.

Have you been in love?  When we were young, our parents described the moment they set their eyes on newborn babies, how in an instant, a strong affection develops for this little being. Even though a newborn child can cause sleepless nights, parents usually don’t stop caring and developing a strong bond with their children under normal circumstances; of course, there are exceptional cases that this does not occur. Loving a newborn is the picture of what loving unconditionally means; many couples love with conditions yet vow to love for better for worse, richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health. 

I often wonder how lightly married couples take their marital vows. Vows are powerful, and the Bible clarifies that it is better not to vow than to swear and not fulfil it. Many people suffer the consequences of breaking their oaths and blaming the devil or each other. Malachi 2 is a chapter in the bible many couples do not understanding, hence they are facing God’s righteous justice. You both vow to honour, cherish and love each other but as soon as cracks begin to surface, love becomes conditional.

Vows are powerful, and the Bible clarifies that it is better not to vow than to vow and not fulfil it.

Love is an action word and a doing word; it is a form of feeling yet much more than a feeling that comes and goes like the wind. I want to call you to a higher level of love, especially if you are in Christ. Love means you die to your selfish self and give yourself away to your spouse. You cannot give yourself away in love without being vulnerable, kind, compassionate and humble. Love gives a part of you without expecting a return the same way you have given it. Love is a buried seed; the plant seeds had to die to feed the new shoots, which then brings forth fruits. Some people want the fruit of love, which is admiration, elevation and glorification, just like our Lord Jesus, yet they want to skip the part of vulnerability, to serve and lay down their pride. 

I want to call you to a higher level of love, especially if you are in Christ

As a mother, I understand loving a child no matter the current situation, and I will always love and accept my children for who they are, not what they do. We are God’s children because He created us, and many that come to receive His grace are called the sons of God. Are you only able to love your spouse when they do as you say?  Love based on feelings dies and grow cold, but love based on conviction continue to wax stronger and stronger each day. It does not depend on the conditions around but a belief that we are one body, you are mine, and I am yours; when couples reach this level of love, they have hit the “sweet spot” in their marriage. 

Love based on feelings dies and grow cold, but love based on conviction continue to wax stronger

If you are still falling in and out of love quickly, you are yet to reach a level of maturity that helps you eat the fruit of unconditional love in your marriage. I pray couples will understand the depth and type of love (agape love) required for a beautiful marriage. Sexual love, obedience, love and infatuation are levels of love, and couples will go through these phases, but the ability to grow and develop unconditional love is critical to bliss. If one has not experienced and understood the unconditional love of God, how can one know and give this type of love? 

I pray you will come to accept Gods unconditional love and be filled with His love so you can love your neighbour – your spouse is your closest neighbour; why not start from there.

Great marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.