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The heart of the matter is a matter of your heart in marriage

On February 14, we celebrate Valentine’s day all over the world. It is the day we have set aside to celebrate love and lovers. We know that the heart is the symbol of love, and on valentine day, lots of heart-shaped gifts such as heart chocolate, heart cakes, lots of confetti and gifts exchanged. This last valentine day, our daughter made a beautiful heart-shaped cake decorated with lots of heart-shaped sugar. I was researching the heart and seeing all the valentine day adverts splashed with hearts, I decided to look at our hearts and how it relates to love and marriage.

I enjoy watching films in a foreign language, and somehow, I have mastered and enjoyed the film subtitles. The part which shows the innermost thoughts are written in another form to reveal the real idea inside the actor’s heart, although they may choose to say the opposite of what is in their mind. Plots and plans reveal our hearts, and they are known to us only. The individual heart is deep and concealed from everyone else except the Lord, who can search our hearts. 

The individual heart is deep and concealed from everyone else except the Lord, who can search our hearts.

God sees your heart and mine, and He knows our motives. Because the heart is deep, we can say what we mean and say what we do not represent, and we can deceive people. 

Some husbands deceive their wives, just as some wives deceive their husbands, but you know what is in the heart can never be truly hidden. We may hide with smooth words; however, it shows up in many ways than you and I can see or believe.  

That is why we must pay attention to and guard our hearts. Solomon, in proverbs, wrote- “Smooth words may hide a wicked heart, just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot. People may cover their hatred with pleasant words, but they’re deceiving you. They pretend to be kind but don’t believe them. Their hearts are full of many evils. While their hatred may be concealed by trickery, their wrongdoing will be exposed in public. If you set a trap for others, you will get caught in it yourself. If you roll a boulder down on others, it will crush you instead. A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattering words cause ruin.” Proverbs 26:23-28 NNLT 

People may cover their hatred with pleasant words, but they’re deceiving you.

We can deceive ourselves and other people, but we can never fool God, who sees our innermost part. What is the condition of your heart? Maybe the matter you are struggling with now is a matter of your heart. Is your heart pure? Cleanse my heart, oh Lord, search my heart, the psalmist cried. 

The bondages, negative mindset and strongholds are matters of the heart. No one can see your heart, but God sees your heart. Do not attempt to understand or gain insight into another person’s heart because it is deep, and you may be deceived. Just be concerned about your own heart. I encourage you to search your heart, ask God to search and cleanse your soul. Only then can you be pure and changed. I remember the times that my heart was not healthy; I cried to the Lord to help me get rid of bitterness and anger. He heard me, and I can tell you it works wonder when your heart is light. 

We can deceive ourselves and other people, but we can never fool God, who sees our innermost part.

Did you celebrate Valentine day this year? Whether you did or not, would you give your heart to Jesus? Would you desire to have a clean heart? Would you provide the best heart gift to your loved ones? A gift of a pure, clean and healthy heart is the best gift you can give your spouse. When your heart is right, your life and marriage will reflect it. 

Would you be a man or woman with a fair and pure heart? Only you can know your heart.

Below are some bible verses I would encourage you to meditate on: 

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; Who can know it?

 I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings. Jeremiah 17:9-10

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— instead, let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 1 Peter 3:3-4

Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ Matthew 22:37

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, and so find favour and high esteem In the sight of God and man. Proverbs 3:3-4

Remember, the heart of any matter in your marriage is a matter of the heart. If what you are experiencing is bliss, keep working on your heart, and it is the opposite; check your heart and amend. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Ignore Your Marriage

Marriage can build or destroy the couple involved. I want you to note the ten reasons below, especially if you are a Christian and even if you are not a Christian, they will help you find peace and joy in your marriage.

Your destiny is affected by your marriage

We all have a great future ahead of us and many singles dream of achieving great things in life until they get married. If you are married and fortunate to have a spouse supporting your purpose, as you help your spouse; the sky will be no limit for you. On the other hand, if you make a mistake and marry a spouse that will not support or help you achieve your goals or make your dreams come true, your destiny may be truncated. There is no place where you can achieve your goals with support, like a good marriage. The synergy and blessing that follows are phenomenal. Also, there is no place like a marriage where your dreams and goals can go wrong. Therefore, it is crucial to ensure you marry the right spouse interested in supporting your dreams and aspirations as you also want to help them achieve their goals. 

Your health is directly linked to the state of your marriage

Health is wealth; you can have all the money in the world and still unable to buy health. Your union can stress your health or improve your health. If you are making your relationship beautiful and loving, you will be happy and be at peace. A merry heart does good like a medicine. When your marriage relationship is blissful, your body produces feel-good hormones that increase your immunity. However, if your marriage is stressful, your body will release harmful hormones that contribute to low immune levels. You would agree that couples who are on good terms and enjoying their marriage glow and those who are struggling reflect stressed and dull appearance. Please Do not ignore your marriage because it will affect your health. 

Suggested Read: 5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

Your wealth is increased or decreased because of your marriage.

When you get married, the total household income increases, and research has shown that married couples have more disposable income than single or lone households. A good marriage will continue to increase wealth and leave a good legacy for their children. However, bad marriages result in wastages and decrease wealth, if there is infidelity, money that should be in the family treasury go to others, e.g. adultery. If there is a divorce, the household income will reduce, and we have seen some couples lose their wealth due to divorce settlements. 

Your children’s future is affected by your marriage

Raising Godly children is what the Lord desire from our marriages – Malachi 2:15. When matrimonies are loving, Godly and loving children are raised and reproduce what they have learnt and experienced in their parents’ marriage. The children who grow up in intact homes are likely to go to university and be married. In contrast, children from broken families often are expected to drop out and not complete their education and potentially become offenders. You can see that the way you do your marriage will affect your children’s outcome in life. I believe we must not ignore our marriages so that we can raise godly and responsible children.

Enjoying your old age is dependent on your marital bliss

Many people do not consider their old age and plan for it while young to ensure they can have a good companion and enjoy life with the wife or husband of their youth. Your marriage relationship will determine whether you will be happy and looked after in old age. It is sad to see many married people become lonely and alone when the children have left home. Most of the people that live long and well into their old age have good marriages. It was not that their marriage was trouble-free, but they grew through what they went through and came out stronger and better. I am always joyful when I see an older couple looking after each other, travelling the world together, visiting their children and grandchildren. It is such a joy, and I hope young couples can be careful to think of their old age when faced with marriage difficulties. Think about your old age; your parents and family will not be there when you are old. 

Your prayers can be answered or hindered by your marriage relationship

This point always weighs heavily on my mind because many people are fighting battles against the Lord, and they think the enemy is attacking them. David said Lord let me not be your enemy. There are many verses in the bible that talk about prayers not being answered due to how married couples relate. I would even be more scared if I were a man because God’s word commands that men should deal gracefully with their wife so that their prayers are not unanswered. In Malachi 2, God said He would not look down with favour on an unfaithful husband in dealing with the wife of his youth. In the new testament, Paul admonishes husband and wife not to deny each other their bodies because that will equate to robbing the other partner. The Lord does not look favourably on a robber, in Malachi 3, those who steal will experience calamities.

Your faith is tested and revealed by your marriage happiness level

Every marriage will go through challenges and seasons; the difference between a Godly marriage is the couples’ ability to glorify God and submit to God in every situation they face. When married couples fear God and choose to honour and glorify God, there is no circumstance or problem that they will not be able to overcome together. I have realised that any Christian marriage that breaks up must have one or both couple walking in disobedience to God. It could be the husband not loving the wife as Christ loved or his wife not submitting unto her husband as unto the Lord. There is nowhere our faith is tested than in a marriage because we are naked to our spouse. As Christians, we can deceive other people, but we cannot hide our true self in marriage. The state of our marriages reveals our faith in Christ and obedience to the Lord. It is so sad and disheartening when Christian marriages fail because God has given us all that we need to make a marriage work. 

God is glorified or derided by the state of your marriage

As Christians, we are not perfect, and I understand that we war against our flesh. However, we are called to grow and be more like Jesus, giving glory to the father in all that we do. God created and instituted marriage; He made us male and female and gave us our distinct and different characteristics. God understands we are different, but we can live in harmony and love. When couples make marital bliss look like an impossible task, we limit God’s ideal and purpose in marriage. We must make giving God glory our priority in our marriage, which will help us know what to accept and what to reject. Christians adopt many worldly views in marriage, which is making it challenging to Glorify God. It is a shame that the divorce rate amongst Christians is almost the same as those who are not. What testimony is that? When we ought to be light and salt to the world. 

Suggested Read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with

You are responsible for the success or failure of your marriage

Whenever a husband or wife blame each other, their marriage will suffer. We must take responsibility for the state of our marriage. It is relatively easy to blame someone else or shift the blame, “I did this because you did that”. The moment one realises that we have control over our actions and reactions even though we cannot control another’s activities, we become masters and can control our actions and reactions. I used to shift blame to my husband, and my misery never went away until I changed and focused on myself. The moment I was able to accept responsibility for my behaviours, actions and inactions, the moment I had the power to control my emotions. We often do not realise that we release control to another person when we blame them for our actions. You must learn to take responsibility and work on yourself to gain freedom and grow as an individual. The more you grow, the more mature you become, which will help you respond to negative actions with love. The success or failure of your marriage is in your hand. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to fight. You must take responsibility for your actions or inactions if you desire growth and peace in your marriage.

You can be growing or gripping because of your marriage

Marriage can make us better and grow faster than we could ever think. It is also a double edge sword, and if not correctly handle, it will cause harm and stunt growth. You must not ignore your marriage if you want to grow in all areas of life. Whatever problem your spouse brings is to help you succeed. Every challenge should help you develop if you are aware and wise to use them as steppingstones. If your wife is nagging you, it should help you become a more patient and gentleman. If your husband has a bad temper, it should help you grow and become meek and mild. If your spouse is blowing hot, you should be blowing cold and vice versa. Your most challenging issue is an area of growth; if you approach every challenge this way, you will grow rather than suffer in your marriage. I used to hate budgeting and saving money was not my strength; I have since grown in that area of challenge in my marriage.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

Many marriages that have collapsed today may have survived if they had avoided the common mistakes that couples make in a marriage. Many safeguards ensure, protect, and make a marriage work and prevent it from crashing during crises. Let us look at five of the common mistakes couples make in marriage. 

Lack of understanding you are different but equal partners.

Husbands and wives are equal and created equally to dominate and replenish the earth, but their outward form is different. Male and female God created them. Both males and females carried the same spirit of man and made in God’s image. However, due to the unique need and different roles God wants male and females to carry out, he physically makes them different. A man must understand that the woman is not inferior, but God has caused her to carry the womb and tender so she can nurture her young. 

A man must understand that the woman is not inferior, but God has caused her to carry the womb and tender so she can nurture her young.

A woman must know that the man is equal to her but made to be more muscular in physical appearance and mind because he needs to protect, provide and work to meet the needs and carry his family’s burden. When this basic understanding is missing in a marriage, the man may look at his wife as a soft and inferior because she is gentle and cries easily.

Suggested Read: How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

A woman may feel her husband is not good enough because he does not provide and meet his family’s needs and decides to relegate him or accept that he is the leader both in mind and physical strength. When both disagree, he may punish her mentally, psychologically, and for those who are reckless, they may go all the way to physical abuse. Couples who want to be successful in any marriage must avoid this mistake. We must realise and accept our differences and limitations and accept our equality and partnership to enjoy a peaceful and beautiful union. Your husband is an equal partner in your marriage, but he is different, and you cannot expect to relate with him as you would do to another female. 

Your husband is an equal partner in your marriage, but he is different, and you cannot expect to relate with him as you would do to another female.

As a female, you must learn how to connect to a man in a way he understands. How would you do that? You must know how men think and ask for support from a man? How does a man interpret your language and words? And so many other quarks that make a man a male specie. Husband:  your wife is an equal partner and has the same spirit of God and creative ability God has given to man. Your ability to recognise and accept your wife as a partner will help you respectfully relate to her. Her body structure and size have little to do with her ability to think and be creative. God created her to support you in all areas of life. Do you know how to relate to a woman? How does a woman perceive your actions? Is there any adjustment you need to make to ensure you and your wife understand each other? Only when a couple grasps this understanding of equality but different can they begin to operate as partners in their marriage. Marriage is a partnership, and when you accept your mutual roles, there will be less of power tussle and less of control and contradiction. 

Lack of understanding that marriage is roleless

Marriage is roleless, although there are typical roles that naturally falls on a man or woman in a marriage, these are the headship or leadership and childbearing roles. Every other function in a marriage can be performed by either couple, for example, housekeeping, funding, entertainment etc. Sadly, some of these roles have become stereotypical and hurting many homes. There is a lack of understanding that either spouse can function in any marriage capacity except for the creator’s fundamental roles. We know that most women know how to keep the home, become good cooks, and raise the children. Some men are great at cooking and love to do so but will not cook at home because they think it is their wife’s role to cook. 

Some men are great at cooking and love to do so but will not cook at home because they think it is their wife’s role to cook.

Some women are great at doing DIY projects and may love to do so but will resist because they fear that is the job of a man and will not want to explore their talent in that area for fear of upstaging their partner. Some spouses take up a role that people have put a label on as the job of another gender. They met with disapproval from society and exaggerated if the culture around them frowns at such roles. In my home country, if a man loves to look after his children or loves to clean his house, he will be expected not to do so once he becomes married because that is the wife’s job. I heard a story of a mother who frowned at her son who usually cooked for her while unmarried and asked why he made dinner for his wife? We need to begin to remove these barriers and make marriages a beautiful and safe place to be ourselves. If a man loves to cook, please go ahead and do so, cooking is not an exclusive role of a woman.

If a man loves to cook, please go ahead and do so, cooking is not an exclusive role of a woman.

Suggested Read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

 A woman loves driving and repairing mechanics; please feel free to do so, do not limit your creativity for the fear and label people placed on marriage roles. I will encourage husbands and wives to carefully consider taking up positions where they have interest, strength, and passion without fearing what people or society will say. It will significantly enhance your marriage; you will be happy doing what you like and have harmony and peace in your home. 

Lack of good role models and accountability

Many couples go into marriage without having a role model, a matured couple who are successful in their marriage that they can trust to be their go-to if they need advice and be accountable. In today’s business world, we have seen this importance as having a role model and holding responsibility. Whether small or big, an organisation that wants to succeed will have a board of directors to keep an eye on what the organisation is doing and alert them to risky decisions. Many couples have no one to hold them accountable, and it is even sad that many have no one to look up to as role models. It is a mistake to go into marriage and not agree to have a mentor and be accountable to someone you respect. 

It is a mistake to go into marriage and not agree to have a mentor and be accountable to someone you respect.

Why? Marriage is a treacherous journey, and at some point, along the way, the husband or wife needs guidance and someone they respect to correct, rebuke and direct them to make the right decisions. Please do not marry anyone male or female who has no one to admire and will submit to their authority or guidance when facing challenges. The bible says, in proverbs 11:14, “Where there is no guidance, a people fall, but in an abundance of counsellors, there is safety.” Create a safety net and prepare for success in your marriage by looking for a good role model; these cannot be your parents as they will be biased. Find wise matured, God-fearing, and loving couples who excelled in their marriage to mentor you. It is never too late to have mentors, but it is best to have them as you begin your marital journey. 

Assuming marriage success happens effortlessly

Marriage needs a lot of work, effort, dedication, resilience, and love to succeed. Loving your partner may look easy while you are just newly married, but experience has shown that no matter how much you may love each other, there will be challenges ahead. There will be days you will wake up and not feel you love this person you love all the while. What will hold you and your marriage together is knowing, understanding, and willingness to make your marriage work. Do not make a mistake believing you will love your spouse forever, or your spouse will always love you. You must be prepared to go through the phase and seasons of love. Just as we prepare for the seasons of life, we are not surprised when winter comes, we may not like winter, but we know it is coming, and we prepare for it. 

There is nothing like bad weather the Nordics say, but lousy clothing makes you suffer and not enjoy the weather.

There is nothing like bad weather the Nordics say, but lousy clothing makes you suffer and not enjoy the weather. So, are you prepared for the different phases in marriage? Do you know what these phases will be? Have you put in a place survival kit? Do not make the common mistake that love holds marriage forever. It is a mistake to assume marriage success will happen without putting in the effort, time, and commitment to make it happen. As best as you can, please avoid this mistake many have made, and thousands are still committing as they go into marriage based on love without commitment to make it work. 

Lack of having no plan to manage marital crisis

I certainly did not have a plan to manage crisis in my marriage when I married 18 years plus now. We were aware there will be challenges but did not put structures and support help to us manage our crisis. You are guaranteed in your marriage to face not one or two but many critical moments, and you will need to overcome these crises to emerge healthy and well bonded together. Many couples jump out of the furnace of purification during the cleaning process because they can no longer bear the heating and forging process. Every good and robust marriage you see today went though and survived marital challenges.

Every good and robust marriage you see today went though and survived marital challenges.

 Are you prepared to manage the crisis in your union? What are the coping strategies you will put in place? One of my mentees has agreed never to leave the bedroom and sleep separately if they ever get into an argument. Another couple decided always to end the day on a good note and try to resolve any misunderstanding within 24hrs. Other agreed, if there is a decision that the couple cannot agree on, they will hold that decision, and none of the couples can go ahead without concluding. These and many more safeguarding statements have helped many couples resolve issues quickly and prevent crises in their marriage. Please avoid having no plan to solve your marital problems; it is better to plan for an emergency than wait until the situation shows up. It will be too late to find a safe place if you wait for the rain to start before you find shelter.  What safeguarding statement will you put into place for you and your spouse to manage crisis today? 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here