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5 Soft Skills & Behaviours That Make You The Best Spouse Ever.

Recently I have written about having soft skills in marriage and why it is essential that as a spouse, we do skills audits and check that we have and are developing the right sets of skills that will help us to be the best spouse ever. Many married partner dreams and yearn to be called the “best husband or best wife ever”, but they are not doing the things that will present them as such a person. Some behaviours qualify us as the best and excellent, yet so many people have behaviours and characters that show them as short of being the best.

Many married partner dreams and yearn to be called the “best husband or best wife ever”

Everybody will call a kind, gracious and loving spouse the best, but a mean, angry and unkind soul wants or desires to be liked and celebrated, yet the fragrance around them repels their partner. They become more irritable and farther away from what they desire. I can assure you that every spouse can be the best as long as we are keen to have and work on giving each other the best of each other. A behaviour change comes with acknowledging and looking at oneself first. If it was an easy task, I know many people would be the best husband or wife today; it is easier to spot the flaws in others than to see ourselves and own up to our shortcomings. 

It is easier to spot the flaws in others than to see ourselves and own up to our shortcomings

Many people who quickly see other people’s weaknesses are full of deficiencies that they often project unto others. They assess and judge other people through their broken lens hence their inability to look past their mistakes and be gracious to them. God word reveals His attributes in Exodus 34: 6-7 Compassion, Grace, Patience – (slow to anger), Loyal love and Faithfulness.

These are good behaviours that an admirable spouse will possess, develop and continue to nurture to become the best version of themselves and, out of that abundance in them, will overflow unto others. 

Let us take a mirror and look at ourselves in the following five questions if we can.

Compassion: Are you a compassionate spouse?

Gracious: Are you generous in how you deal with your partner?

Patience: (slow to anger) – Are you an angry spouse or a patient spouse?

Loyal love: Are you loving simply when things are good and going your way or loving for better for worse as you vowed?

Faithfulness: Are you steady, committed and faithful to your spouse?

A pure self-reflection of our behaviours as a stand-alone and the desire to be a better person will allow you and me to answer the above questions truthfully and commit to making changes. 

Not for your spouse’s sake but for yourself, and as you begin to renew your mind, you will emerge a better person and soon reflect on others around you as a better husband, wife, parent, friend, etc.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Don’t expect me to make you happy: Happiness comes from within you

I love the purple colour, and if I were living in fairy-tale land, I would probably live in a purple-coloured house, and all my clothes and accessories would have a hint of purple. It is a colour that makes me happy, yet I have met people who cannot withstand excessive purple. What makes me happy is different and will always be different from what makes you happy. Some people are so glad when others are happy, and others are so glad when others are sad. However, that’s edging towards a dark personality. The happiness index varies from place to place and people to people. 

What makes me happy is different and will always be different from what makes you happy.

So, when two people come together in marriage, and one person is waiting on the other person to make them feel happy, it is a recipe for disappointment, especially if they cannot articulate what makes them happy. I have noticed that happy people are happy no matter what may be going on around them. Their source of joy and happiness is found deep within their core. Some people who rely on external or environmental factors to feel happy are often hollow on the inside, so they have no substance to withstand any negative perception from the outside.

Please permit yourself to be happy; your happiness is found deep within you.

Would you check the source of your happiness and joy today? Are you relying on other people, your spouse or things to make you feel good?  You alone are responsible for your happiness level, and it is out of the abundance of joy you have in you that you can spill over to others. Hence, if you are spewing lava like a volcano, lava does not come from an external source; the lava is coming from the deep belly of the volcano. It is not comfortable for us to always look within and take responsibility for how we feel. Please permit yourself to be happy; your happiness is found deep within you. No external factor can diminish your joy if you do not allow negativity or evil thoughts to get inside of you. 

It is not comfortable for us to always look within and take responsibility for how we feel.

Nelson Mandela is a perfect example of a person who knows their intrinsic value; even though he was tortured, humiliated, and imprisoned, it never got to his core. He was so sure of who he was that he was unable to resent his prisoners even after his release. There is no room in his heart for negativity or hatred. He was completely full of joy and positivity that it drowned out any external negative influence. So why am I sharing this to you as a married spouse or soon to be?

What you carry inside you is what you will spew out when a force or pressure is placed on you.

What you carry inside you is what you will spew out when a force or pressure is placed on you. Resist and do not be tempted to focus on external pressure in your marriage; it will happen and how you respond reveals your inner beauty or not so beautiful part of you. I want you to focus on filling your heart with goodness, sweetness, and grace so that when you are under pressure, instead of buckling and spewing out rubbish, you will be dripping with dignity and honour.

I am very sorry if I have bust your bubble that marriage will make you happy. My wife or husband will make me happy on the inside because of the way they treat me. Oh no, you may be setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Marriage expectation is different from reality only if your expectation was not balanced about marriage in the first instance.

I hope you can begin to look at the content of your core being and your reactions to external forces; how matching are they now?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23  

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Seven common behaviours sabotaging your marriage relationships

Many people are aware of behaviours that jeopardise relationships and are keen to avoid those behaviours when it comes to professional life and friendship outside of marriage. For some strange reason, people are very comfortable with behaviours that damage relationships within marriage. If you have been following my blog, you will realise that I often use illustrations around how organisations work and relate that to success within our marriages. 

If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home?

I am often perplexed when I see harmful behaviours amongst professionals and some who are not professionals, especially regarding how they relate to their spouses. I have seen spouses who have female bosses respect and speak to them kindly at work, and when they get home, they have no iota of respect for their partners. They shout, scream, and throw tantrums such that we wonder how they can speak calmly with other colleagues at work. I want to believe familiarity breeds contempt, but many people are aware of the consequences of contempt of the law in court or at work; hence they can moderate their behaviours in those places, even under intense interrogation.

Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now!

Many partners have male bosses and can accommodate and work with them to achieve targets, yet at home, their spouse may consider them as having no clue how to make decisions and unable to get along making decisions. I often ask myself and my husband these questions: If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home? Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now. 

However, as easy as that may sound, many people cannot break these habits because they are rooted in issues more profound than just the surface reaction. The truth is most of these behaviours in marriage stems from fear, self-esteem issue and vulnerability, which separate marriage from other relationships. 

Having read so many books and listened to other experts speak on this topic, I can summarise the common seven behaviours that couples have which sabotage their relationships as:

  1. Lack of respect for each other.
  2. Speaking harshly, screaming, and shouting at your spouse.
  3. Taking each other’s needs for granted.
  4. Holding grudges, keeping malice, inability to sit down and talk the issue through.
  5. Refusing food, sex, and activities you usually do together as a couple.
  6. Creating division, separation, and resentment due to misunderstandings.
  7. Overly critical of each other and inability to forgive and move on with life.

No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other…

These are seven behaviours of many that people may or may not be aware of, consciously or unconsciously do in their marriage that is self-sabotaging. Whether at work level, friendship level, parent/child or husband and wife, every relationship requires intentionality to sustain and grow that bond. Some people would put effort into parent/child or friendship with colleagues, church members, and neighbours but starve their marriage relationship, expecting it to happen because they are married. They stop dating and courting themselves, yet, they are hoping to have a magnificent relationship. 

When problems arise, rather than fixing the relationship, they will spend time with friends, neighbours, and work colleagues to escape misery. Some will bury their heads into work to avoid repairing or working on their marriage. No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other, and weed out bad habits. At the centre of every successful and happy marriage are couples who consciously stay positive, act, and improve their relationships. 

Let’s reflect on a couple of questions below:

If you are in a relationship that is not happy, what are you doing to nurture your friendship with your spouse? 

What are you expecting from your marriage relationship, and what are your contributions to making that happen? 

If you do not plan to succeed, you have prepared to fail, and this phrase is a common cliché in motivational talks; but it applies in marriage.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Common human skills or soft skills required for a successful marriage that is uncommon.

I recently had an interview for a new role, and I had to prepare for it within the same organisation. Part of my preparation was a mock interview. During the mock interview, I found out listing my hard skills, i.e., core competencies needed for the role, was great, but mentioning my soft skills or human skills as I would like to call them was essential. A successful accountant with no interpersonal skill may not be victorious over another competent accountant who works as a local scout, guide, or club volunteer. The volunteering role reveals more human skills they may not even mention, such as working in a team, resilience, collaboration, patience etc.  Why am I making this analogy? A partner that does not have the right human skills or soft skills will never make an excellent spouse in marriage. 

A partner that does not have the right human skills or soft skills will never make an excellent spouse in marriage.

Let me attempt to list some of the hard skills we require for marriage: a hardworking partner, a financially stable spouse, a good-looking spouse, a partner who can cook, clean, make the home pleasant, a loving spouse, etc. Here are some soft or human skills that we may not necessarily capture while dating: a forgiving spouse, a kind partner, a God-fearing person, a self-sacrificing being, a person with conscience etc., non-judgemental, unable to keep malice, peace-loving and conscientious person. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us some soft skills, especially when in love, failing to check what love means. 

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, or rude.

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not irritable.

Love keeps no record of being wronged.

Love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless.

But love will last forever!

I wonder how many people consciously consider these while dating or lookout for these attitudes in their prospective partner? We often give in to our spouse’s demands and forget to check if they give in to our demands, especially when we are in love. Many people ignored the red flags and never checked if our partner’s love for us meets the above criteria. Many spouses have shown impatience, lack of compassion, injustice, and angry outbursts, yet we overlook those thinking they love us and will not act that way.

We should marry someone with the necessary hard skills, but I have found a partner with these soft skills even more pertinent.

We should marry someone with the necessary hard skills, but I have found a partner with these soft skills even more pertinent. A gentle and kind spouse who may not have financial capacity can become successful tomorrow. A successful, wealthy, and callous spouse will not suddenly become soft and kind except, by some miracle, to meet Jesus, surrendered, and become a new person.

Just as recruiters are aware and look out for soft skills over hardcore knowledge, we must teach the next generation of people going into marriage to check for human skills in their partner.

Are you sure you know the attributes required to be a great spouse?

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here