Reasons why men need to build their homes4

Reasons why men need to build their homes

I want us to imagine a man who wanted to build a house in a notorious area where stealing of bricks was a major challenge. Each time this man buys and lay some bricks to build his house, thieves come in to steal the brick one piece at a time. The man will try and replace the stolen brick and go away. The next day, when he returns another set of bricks had been taken, this continues for a long time. He realised, if he was going to complete this house, he will need someone to keep watch while builds and even after completion, someone must always be on guard to keep the thieves away. This is the picture I had in my mind while pondering on this topic. A wise woman builds her house but when a foolish husband keeps tearing the house down, that house can never be completed nor stand. Therefore, a marriage that will stand will need both wise men and women working together to guard and ensure their marriage is working and happy. So, therefore, let us explore the reasons why a wise man need to build his marriage and not just be deceived by tradition and cliché that only a wise woman builds her home. 

For many centuries’ women have been left with the burden of building the homes and this is often supported by the scripture that says “a wise woman builds her home “. Yes, a wise woman builds her home, but a wise husband is needed to help and support her to build that home. If a woman can build a home alone, then there should be no need for partnership in a marriage. However, this is not so, because for any marriage to thrive and for both spouses to be happy and fulfilled in their calling, they must both be ready to work for their marriage.

In the past, women were not allowed to do much apart from keeping the home, the man is responsible for providing food and everything the household need.  This often keeps the family income small and most households were living the minimal lifestyle. Where the husband needed more hands to help in providing for the family, in African culture, he simply goes out to marry another wife and create a larger family. Women endured this type of relationships and not necessarily enjoyed it. For those who were lucky to have a monogamous family, the women had no choice but to totally depend on their husbands to provide, so there was no need to share household chores as women will be at home looking after the family while the husband provides. 

Nowadays, that is no longer applicable, many women are now working and adding to the family finance pot. In some homes, women are the chief earner and provider. Some men are very comfortable asking for bills to be split and that their wives must contribute to the upkeep of the house. Yet some men see no reason why they need to help with chores or split the responsibility of childcare and every other traditional role attached to women. 

Also the idea of marrying for love was not common in the past generations, most people were given in marriage or betrothed, so they learnt to love and live the person they were given to, unlike these days where men and women choose who they want to marry. Therefore, enduring and learning to love their spouse though hardship is not on the agenda.  

Lack of understanding and staunch belief in tradition that women should build their home, made many marriages to end up in conflict and divorce. When women after carry so much responsibility of caring for the family, required to provide for herself, her children and contribute to the family finance, yet her husband decides to mistreat or maltreat her in the marriage, obviously there will be no reason why she can continue to endure such hardship and treatment when she can provide for herself, except if she is believer who fear and honour God and hold marriage as a covenant. 

In ancient days when women are maltreated or mistreated, they stuck with it, because they had no means of livelihood, the society will not approve of them and they just endured the marriage. No human wants to endure hardship if they can survive on their own.  

The prevalence of marital breakup in this generation has been helped by the society and some other culture. For example, in England where I reside, the government will support any woman who is being abused, even if she has no income. This is the reason why some women file for divorce and it seems no one can get to the bottom of the reason why? 

I do not support divorce in any marriage because it causes untold hardship on the couple, the children and the society. If living with a husband does not add value to a woman and yet she is subjected to harsh treatment by the husband and supported by the culture that says the woman needs to build her house alone, then the result is a broken marriage. 

Therefore, we need to change this narrative, as Christians, the Bible says except the Lord build a house the labourers labour but in vain. Many women have laboured to build their homes but met men who are busy destroying the marriage brick by brick with their ego, bad behaviour, harsh treatment of the one they ought to protect and some by sheer ignorance of what marriage means. 

Men need to take responsibility for building their home with their wife. Marriage today and ever since is a partnership and was created as a partnership by God. When God created Adam and Eve, he did not say to Adam to dominate Eve, rather God commanded them to be both fruitful and subdue the earth together. 

Men leaving the home has caused our society to degenerate to the state we are right now, and this started generations ago. We need to correct this abnormality by bringing men back into the homes. Men you must decide to work on your marriages, be a part of it and do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. 

The world is not going back to the dark ages but progressing forward to a place where men and women can deploy their talents in the society. Marriage must progress from women build your home to husband and wife build your home. 

For any marriage to work, both husband and wife must sit down to work as partners on their marriage, there is no controversy about who is the head and leader of the home. Man is the head and no woman want to contest that, but how to lead the home must move from – I am the head, whatever I say goes to taking responsibility and leading effectively with love. 

Leadership in the place of work have recognised those leading people in a certain way that devalues them no longer work. The productivity level of any organisation that fails to value their employee will be greatly impacted; loyalty will be zero. If organisations have realised that treating their employees well and respectably leads to good performance and productivity, then I believe we can borrow that idea into our marriages. Afterall a marriage is meant to be a place of peace, rest and succour. I am sure every man and woman that got married, did so with the intention of enjoying their marriage together. It is therefore important that men take up the leadership mantle and build their marriages.

The reality is most marriages are suffering due to lack of education on how to make a marriage work. 

Men leaving their marriages to commit adultery rather than work on their marriage is what some men know and some culture support that. We do not belong to that culture, if you are a Christian, you belong to God’s culture and in this kingdom, there is no justification for sin. You can and should not leave your marriage when broken, as a man when your car breaks down, you know how to fix it. You learnt how to fix a car, therefore please learn how to fix your marriage, no more abandonment. 

It is therefore important that men rise to build their marriages, when men are absent from a marriage the effect is clear in the findings of a research which looked at the effects of family structure on crimes. 

Over the past fifty years, the rise in violent crime is in line with the rise in families abandoned by fathers. 

High crime neighbourhoods have a high concentration of families abandoned by fathers. Aggression and hostility found demonstrated by someone likely to be a criminal are often foreshadowed in them as early as age five or six and this is as a result of what they have experienced in trouble and violent marriage. 

Whereas statistics show that when a family is stable, children raised in these homes are less likely to commit a crime, be influence by bad friends, and they do well in their own marriage and in life generally. 

A good and loving marriage has so many benefits for men, women children and society. I am sure we all want a better society; it must begin with the family as a unit of the society. If husbands and wives cannot live in harmony and peace, how do we expect the society to be peaceful?

Both husband and wife are responsible for making marriage work, it is even better when a man takes responsibility as the leader. Men and women need to work on their marriages and build your homes, to provide a loving stable home for the next generation. 

How can you build your home as a man? 

Firstly, you need to accept the responsibility as a leader of your marriage, just as any leader in any organisation accepts responsibly for the failure and success of his business. 

A leader that delegate the leadership and steering of his organisation to someone else, never comes to the public if the company is failing and says my staff are responsible for the failure of this business. He will never be considered a good and responsible leader if he said that. As a leader in your marriage, you must have its success at heart. The moment any man takes on the headship role as a leadership role, the marriage is bound to succeed. On the other hand, the moment any man takes the headship role as a boss and commander in chief with no responsibility for success but blames and punish the followers, then that marriage is heading in the wrong direction. 

Can I ask what type of head are you in your marriage? Are you the servant leader or you are the commander in chief with no care for your followers? Please it is never too late to take the right road and turn your marriage into a heaven on earth. Take responsibility for the failure or success of your marriage. A wise man builds his home. Together with your spouse, begin to work as a team and bring your marriage ship into a sea of tranquillity.  

You can also read: Value and Respect in Marriage (2): A husband that

Secondly, any leader will be very knowledgeable in whatever he is doing for him to achieve success and lead other aright. How many marriage books have you read? Where you may be having challenges and conflicts, have you picked up a resource to see how you can resolve the issue, achieve a working solution or are you just ignoring it? 

For example, if money management or lack of money is the problem in your marriage, there a book that talks about how to manage finance in a marriage. There are seminars and some are online today, you can attend in the comfort of your home. There is no shame in seeking to know what you do not know. 

Leaders are readers, and to have an understanding and live with a woman in understanding you need to learn about women. Have you read books about what women want? Do you know your wife’s love language and even if you know it are you speaking her language, or you blatantly and stubbornly refuse to speak her language? 

These are the changes you can make and see a great impact on your marital relationship with your spouse. Speaking a new language means learning and being deliberate to speak it, by default you are comfortable speaking your own language. 

For example, if your colleague at work speaks French and you want to communicate with them in understanding, you will have to speak French no matter how ridiculous you sound. Your wife likes physical affection, but you are comfortable kissing her inside the house and only to initiate sexual intercourse, yet when she asks you to kiss her outside of the house you refuse. Why? You feel shy? You feel too affectionate makes you less manly? 

Do you feel people will say he is head over heels and in love? But let me ask you this question? When you were dating her, were you not head over heels in love? So why is it now difficult to be openly head over heels in love, not with a girlfriend but your wife? 

It is important that we begin to look at some of the narratives that have and is hurting marriages. You can change in your marriage and one by one our marriages will be restored and family stable and reflect positively on our society. 

There so many ways you can build your home as a man, but I believe if you start with these two points discussed, you will discover many more and your marriage will be enjoyable. 

Instead of seeking enjoyment outside of your marriage, work on your marriage to enjoy it with the wife of your youth. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married.
You can also preorder the book here

marriage_code_vs_highway_code(2)

Marriage Code versus Highway Code (Part Two)

Have you ever wondered why there are highway codes and traffic rules to be obeyed by anyone who wants to drive a car? It is to prevent chaos on the roads, keep the driver safe, and keep other drivers and pedestrians safe. Imagine for a second, anyone and everyone can drive on any side of the road they choose. If it seems good to them, they can just take to the roads and start driving. Have you formed a mental picture of what the road would look like? This is exactly the state of many families, marriages, and societies where there are no laws or laws that are not upheld, people cast off restraints…. We are continuing the marriage code and highway code part two, if you haven’t read part one, please click here.  According to the Highway Code for Marriage by Michael and Hillary Perrott, there are seven letters in the word CAREFUL which are vital for the success of any marriage. We have discussed the first three letters C stands for Communication; A stands for Affection and R stands for Respect. Let us look at the remaining acronym that makes up the word CAREFUL in a marriage.

Encouragement

Encouragement is a special skill and one of the secrets of good and thriving marriages. Everyone wants to be encouraged, everyone needs encouragement in a family, even your children. Learn how to encourage your spouse, support, and never criticise. This does not come naturally to some people, especially if they have been criticised and judged all their life. Make it a law in your marriage, I must not discourage and wear down my spouse, no matter how terrible and horrible the outcome of his or her actions. Encouragement brings hope, it gives them the courage to do better. I always watch the London marathon and love to do so because of the support and encouragement we give to runners. Even though they have been running for miles, they are tired and still have miles to go, the moment we shout out their names “go, Mark, you are doing great”. I always see the boost of energy and feeling of – “I can do this” that comes over them. Even though we do not know them personally, just calling out their names meant a great deal. Many marathon runners attest to the crowds’ power of encouragement.  How much more hearing a word of encouragement from the one you love. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness brings peace to your marriage and everyone couple wants a peaceful marriage. The secret to peace in your marriage is the ability to forgive. Forgive or fester and the result of festering is costly. I remember during my driving lessons, my instructor will say give way first, even if you have the right of way. Always assume all other drivers are mad. It did not make much sense then, because that was not what I was taught driving in Nigeria. It is who can put their head in first. Now with this law of giving way first, driving in England is pleasure, there seems to be orderliness and less gridlock unlike my driving experience in Nigeria. Why is that so, it prepared my heart to give in first, which is forgiveness. Why many marriages fail is because of lack of forgiveness, inability to let go. I am right, you must apologise, you must face the consequences of your actions, all of these make marriage a hell on earth. The marriage code here is – if I do not forgive, I will not have peace in my marriage. Many people are holding the peace they desire by refusing to forgive their spouse. If you can give way when driving, you can forgive your spouse or anyone at all.

Suggested Read: Love in marriage is a decision more than an emotion

Unselfishness

Unselfishness brings joy and harmony when two people in a marriage are looking out for the good of the other and not themselves. It is important to check why you get married to your spouse. Sometimes people get married because they want to get not because they want to give. Where this is the case, selfishness will be the order of the day. When one person continues to give and serve and does not get treated well, there comes troubled marriage. Are you being selfish in your marriage? You must be determined to be unselfish because, as human beings our default nature is selfishness. That is why you must make it a highway code and law in your marriage. We will not be selfish in this area, that area, and so many other ways we have been selfish. Make a list, start with sexual intercourse. It only a selfish man that will be satisfied sexually and ignore his wife’s sexual satisfaction. This is not uncommon am sure you will agree with me. Make it a law, write it down, discuss it, and abide by it. 

Loyalty

Loyalty backing each other up, being there for each other no matter the situation. The marriage vows encapsulate what it means to be loyal in your marriage. “For better for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health till death we do part”. These vows are taken in the presence of God and family, yet many do not take it seriously or with any gravity. When a spouse withdraws affection from their partner because of one issue or the other, then they are not loving for worse. You are only doing for the better. When a wife refuses her husband’s sexual intimacy for one issue or the other then you are not in it for worse. I mean where there are domestic abuse and violence, the marriage is damaged, and we cannot expect loyalty in this case. However, before a marriage degenerates into a state like that, it is because most of the laws of marriage have been broken, to remain loyal of course will be difficult. It is, therefore, the most important and if I might say, the first law couples should hold paramount in their marriage. Loyalty keeps love in a marriage, loyalty can save a wrecked marriage. Make it a law, this marriage must work, and we will do all we can to keep our union intact. 

There are many benefits of having an intact marriage, and it is worth following a marriage highway code to guide you on your marital journey.  For many of us who are driving safely on roads today, we learned how to drive. We were patient, we listened to instructions and invested money to learn how to drive. After leaning and passing the driving test, we apply for a license to drive, there are traffic fines to enforce the highway codes. A driving license is renewed after a certain number of years. All these point us to the fact that we need to abide by rules and code of conduct. 

There is no organisation you will go to that do not have their code of conducts. Create a code of conduct for your marriage, do not assume you can behave well in your marriage if the society does not allow nor trust you to behave well elsewhere. Marriage crises today are due to lack of training, lack of code of conducts, lack of policing or enforcement and the attack of the enemy. We cannot be ignorant of the devices of the enemy but most times, spiritual attribution of marital failures is not always the case. Simple knowledge of knowing how to do marriage can resolve most of the marital challenges we face. 

Let us move from unintentional marriage to intentional marriage. Let us have purposeful marriages and I am very convinced, happiness and joy from each home that gets marriage right will individually begin to repair our society. So how do you begin to create your marriage code of conducts? Read books, go to marriage conferences, have mentors and a coach and so on. 

I have some recommendations below, the authors have not paid me, but these resources have been useful in my marriage. 

I will also recommend my book that will be out soon – “Marriage Expectation vs Reality”. One of the reasons marriages are failing is also attributed to a lack of information on what marriage means, why we get married and the purpose of marriage. We all know why we go through years of education. It is to better our lives and therefore we endure all the training required to become an expert in our career. This book is packed full of information needed to make a marriage work.

Apart from reading books, go on marriage courses, retreats and conferences. Many couples who are enjoying their marriages today are those investing in their marriage before it breaks down. There is the need for maintenance in a marriage, do not wait until a crack shows up before you repair your marriage. It may be late and the crack on the surface means there is much more below the surface. Act in time, do not wait for an issue to arise in your marriage. 

I hope you will work on your marriage for your children, your spouse, yourself and society. We can change our world one person at a time, by changing our marriage. Make your marriage a haven of peace, joy and love by intentionality. 

Get your marriage highway code set up before you start the journey of a lifetime called marriage. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married.
You can also preorder the book here