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How to overcome Bitterness, Anger and Unforgiveness

Bitterness, Anger and Unforgiveness I will refer to these three as BAU (Business As Usual). BAU are three critical attitudes that destroy relationships and love in marriage. The Bible tells us to live together in harmony, joy and peace with each other. We should be quick to forgive those who offend us because Christ our Lord and our model have shown us how to forgive. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. While He was being crucified, He extended forgiveness and prayed for those hurting him. I want us to admit and acknowledge no one is perfect and that we are all sinners. Christ has shown us mercy, and therefore He expects and commands us to show other people mercy. Mercy is an undeserved pardon. If God pardons us and removed our shame and death that we deserve because of our sin, how much more should we forgive people of the offences that ensue in our relationships. 

Mercy is an undeserved pardon.

What sometimes baffles me is some spouses are quick to overlook the transgression of their co-workers, friends and family but find it so hard to forgive their spouse. They count it as a grave sin, great disrespect, and serious offense if their spouse hurt them. If we can show other people mercy and pardon them, how much more should we have mercy on our partners, spouses, husbands, and wives. Marriages where there is unforgiveness and lack of mercy, will result in bitterness, resentment, and anger. In any home or relationship where BAU is the order of the day, I can tell you there can never be peace, joy, and harmony. 

Marriages where there is unforgiveness and lack of mercy, will result in bitterness, resentment, and anger.

There is never a void in life; let us look at darkness and light. For example, whenever we turn on the light, darkness disappears, and whenever we turn off the light, darkness takes over. Light and darkness exist; we only allow what we turn on. We cannot pray darkness away or speak in tongues to bring light. We must turn the light on to remove darkness, and we must turn off the light for darkness to prevail.  The Bible says we should live together in understanding and without resentment. The offence will happen in any relationship; we must deliberately keep out the negative BAU attitudes resulting from getting offended. We can be angry but do not sin; it is not the fact that we are angry, but what we do with our anger and the attitudes that follow is what leads to sin. Again, the Bible knows the way, and it tells us to quickly discard our rage, which means forgiving and letting go. When we hold onto offence, it quickly turns to rotten tomatoes full of worms and irritable things. 

When we hold onto offense, it quickly turns to rotten tomatoes full of worms and irritable things. 

We must root out BAU deliberately, guard against it and keep our heart pure and must forgive each other every day. If we do not forgive our spouse, who we profess to love the most and vowed to love in front of family and friends, and most importantly, God is the witness of our vows, we will inevitably resent them. I read recently on one of the numerous social media platforms where people have been masking the act of unforgiveness towards their spouse with the notion that we hate and love passionately. Some people said people who love passionately and deeply when hurt would also hate passionately and deeply. So many people identified with the statement and said, yes, that’s me, I agree, and my heart sank. They decided that because they loved someone so much, it hurts so much, and that is why these people find it so difficult to forgive the person they claim to love so deeply. That I found so utterly opposite to what God’s word says, for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

When we love so much, we give, offer and forgive so much, and not the other way round,

When we love so much, we give, offer and forgive so much, and not the other way round, that the world has twisted and accepted to perpetuate unforgiveness, that when we love so much, we hate so much. The world says it is because I love you so much that I now hate you so much. Wow! What an irony and a lie from the pit of hell being fed to many souls. This statement is used to justify the act of unforgiveness, and many couples have used it to allow BAU to destroy their beautiful relationship. We must go back to the bible way of doing love and loving someone so much. 

If you love someone so much, you will forgive them so much; love covers many sins.

If you love someone so much, you will forgive them so much; love covers many sins. So, if you are finding it difficult to forgive your spouse whom you love so much, you do need to check what type of love you have for your spouse. A hurtful heart is not a loving heart, and you cannot be hurting someone you love; it is impossible. Yet the world makes it easy for abuse to continue by masking hatred, unforgiveness and lack of love as passionate love, which turns to intense hate. We must work on this, and I want this transformation to start with you reading this blog right now, look at yourself and how you forgive those who hurt you. Are you doing BAU in your relationships and your marriage? 

A hurtful heart is not a loving heart, and you cannot be hurting someone you love; it is impossible. 

We must consider why we get hurt easily too, when people offend us, why does it hurt so much? If we reflect, we often hurt so much because we feel we are important such that we carry ourselves with so much pride in our relationships.  Hence, we cannot tolerate our spouse whom we love to offend us and release forgiveness; where there is pride there, you will find resentment and unforgiveness. Sometimes husbands and wives take themself too important in their marriage, yet we are all subjects of the highest God, submit ourselves to one another. If God has forgiven us and we cannot forgive our fellow being, we can see how we can say we love God. I want to encourage and implore you today; if you a husband or a wife and you live and do BAU in your marriage, please turn on the light of forgiveness. 

Where there is pride there, you will find resentment and unforgiveness.

The remote is in your hands; God has given you the authority and capacity to forgive and get rid of bitterness, resentment, anger and unforgiveness in your relationship. I hope you have not fallen into the deception of the world and the arch-enemy, the devil, masking unforgiveness with the notion that it is because you love so much and therefore can’t forgive because you also hurt so much. If you are in this position, then you are playing with the devil.  You are living in disobedience and choosing not to do what God commanded. To whom much is given, much is expected; if God has forgiven you that much your own sins and offenses, then you ought to overlook that much the sin of others and most especially your spouse. I pray God will help us forgive one another, live in peace and joy the grace of humility and patience not to take ourselves too important.  I pray that you help us not to allow pride to rule our hearts such that we continue to live in resentment with one another and destroy the excellent relationship and gift of a good and happy marriage.

I hope you will decide today, be in control of your negative emotions and take steps to take your marriage to the next level of bliss and peace. Amen

You may need someone to hold you accountable and support you on this journey, as a certified SYMBIS assessment facilitator, I can support you virtually. 

I invite you to take the pre-marriage assessment if you are single or engaged to be married soon or the SYMBIS+ Assessment if you are married. I will help you unpack the result and point out areas of strengths, weakness, opportunity, and threats (SWOT) in your marriage. Every successful business conducts SWOT analysis in other to continue to grow. 

Please send me a message below, and I will arrange for you to take the assessment as soon as possible.

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How to use respect and love to create synergy in a marriage.

I am very intrigued by how gears work to pull weights that are many times more than the weight of the equipment itself. Gears help propel and move things forward quickly, especially when the gear teeth align and set. Have you ever seen a gear that is misaligned work well?  A piece of misaligned equipment does not work well and would not move forward; sometimes, a lot of cranking noise will occur if the gear is being forced, and eventually, it will break down. This is precisely the picture I got when I was researching RESPECT and LOVE in a marriage. 

Respect and love in marriage go together in a marriage

Respect and love in marriage go together; the fundamental need of a man, as identified and confirmed by many studies, is respect. In contrast, the most crucial necessity of a woman is love. If you think of it as a critical need and not a desire or want, then husbands and wives would appreciate the necessity to understand and meet their partner’s demand.  When a man feels that he is being disrespected, it is like cutting off the food supply for a hungry man. He will not function optimally and would not show love to the woman as he would want to. When a woman feels she is not loved, it is equivalent to cutting off her energy supply. She will be incapable of becoming her best and eventually will start losing respect for the man. If the matter is not nipped in the bud early enough, it will become a challenge in the marriage. 

One of the many reasons’ marriage seems complex is this dynamic of respect and love.

One of the many reasons’ marriage seems complex is this dynamic of respect and love. The bible has given the final say on it. Still, many believers choose not to follow this principle, often time not deliberately but because it is a narrow path and counterintuitive.  God has commanded men to love and live with women in understanding; he did not add any condition that men should only love her when she submits or respects you. That is what unconditional love means to love with no requirement. The bible also gave the woman command to respect her husband. There was no condition attached to respecting him, whether he earns, deserves it, or not. However, it can be tough to respect a man that misbehaves or love a disprectful woman without the fear of God. 

A marriage that operates at this level has attained the expression of what God wanted in a marriage.  

A healthy and good marriage really means to be able to love one’s wife without any condition and to be able to respect one’s husband without judgement.  A marriage that operates at this level has attained the expression of what God wanted in a marriage.  Christ loved His bride while we were still sinners; He died to present us to Himself, spotless.  Why am I writing this today? It is to encourage you to meet the need of your spouse. Men must recognise women need love like air; women must recognise men need respect like oxygen.  I will encourage you as a man to concentrate and learn how to love your wife without waiting for her respect. As a woman, focus and work on how to respect your husband without waiting for his love. I will say that is one area where I have struggled in my marriage, to be able to keep up respecting my husband irrespective of his actions or inactions. By default, I want to go one way, but I quickly pull myself back to ensure I am obeying and honouring God as I respect my husband. 

Love is a decision and not a feeling.

We must realise, everyone deserves respect and love but due to our gender differences, males’ function best when they are respected and females more when loved. Would you decide to love your spouse unconditionally? Love is a decision and not a feeling. If you are waiting to feel ok before you start loving your wife, you are stalling the gear. I would like to call you to action; women we must deliberately choose to respect our husbands irrespective of whether they earns it or not. You will be starting the gear if you don’t learn to love and respect, and eventually, the synergy will return and turning the wheel of your marriage in the right direction. Having a good marriage is a choice; we can put so many things in place and ask God to bless and keep our home. 

I hope you will decide today, be in control of your negative emotions and take steps to take your marriage to the next level of bliss and peace. Amen

You may need someone to hold you accountable and support you on this journey, as a certified SYMBIS assessment facilitator, I can support you virtually. 

I invite you to take the pre-marriage assessment if you are single or engaged to be married soon or the SYMBIS+ Assessment if you are married. I will help you unpack the result and point out areas of strengths, weakness, opportunity, and threats (SWOT) in your marriage. Every successful business conducts SWOT analysis in other to continue to grow. 

To apply for the assessment, please click

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

How to achieve a great marriage by working as a team

Marriage is a word that we often use yet misconstrued so easily. The meaning of the word marriage gives us the idea that God had in mind when He started the institution of marriage. Marriage is a commitment to love, live and give ourselves to our spouse forever. It is a lasting commitment to love and accept our partner unconditionally. However, most people are yet to attain this level of love in many marriages, especially in troubled relationships. One partner may be withholding love because they do not feel respected. Another spouse may begin to abuse the other in other to control and reign or dominate the relationship. These are signs that the marriage is unhealthy and an apparent deviation from what God intended. We are not promised to find someone who will be a perfect match and meet all our needs.

We are not promised to find someone who will be a perfect match and meet all our needs.

The opposite attracts because a spouse complements and does not supplement. Therefore, couples need to understand that there is work to be done, fights will happen, there will be arguments, but the difference and response should be we are a team and committed to one goal – our marriage. In any marriage where the couples focus only on themselves and forget that the marriage is more significant than each person in it, they tend to lose focus when trouble arises. Rather than attack the issue that is threatening the marriage, they turn to each other and shoot themselves. A house divided against itself cannot stand. As couples in a marriage relationship, we must give high regard to the covenant of marriage. It is like being on a team, team members fight, argue, and disagree, but there is absolutely no doubt they will work together to win as a team. Can I take you on a mental journey for a moment?

As couples in a marriage relationship, we must give high regard to the covenant of marriage.

Let us imagine a doubles tennis game where partners face another partner but because one of the pair has arguments or issues to resolve with the other partner, refuses to serve or return a serve. That is a blatant error and misjudgement because not only is this person jeopardising their chances of winning, but they are also indeed destroying their tennis career and opportunity. In sports, teammates are coached and mentored to make the team effort count, so it is difficult for us to see the picture I just painted. No matter the discord and disunity within a team, they always pull together to ensure the team wins. A win for the group is a win for everyone. Even if it occurred due to one person’s error, a loss for the team is a loss for the team. That is why I am keen to implore husbands and wives to see themselves as a team.

Even if it occurred due to one person’s error, a loss for the team is a loss for the team.

In a marriage union, the team bond is even more robust due to many shared activities that may not naturally exist in sporting teams or other team forms. Team working does not naturally develop, and that is why coaching, mentoring, and team-building activities are a priority for any high performing and successful team. We are a human being and to err is human. We will not all agree on an issue; we have different personalities and abilities but can recognise and accept our teammates as equals; recognise every team member has a gift. We recognise that without that member’s unique contribution, the team is incomplete. Teamworking is what successful couples and some marriages have found and embraced. Would you begin to look at your spouse as a team member? Would you be willing to work as a team in your marriage?

Would you begin to look at your spouse as a team member?

A team leader’s goal and objective are developing a high performing team and ensuring the unit is healthy, happy, and balanced. As the head of marriage, husbands are like team leaders; they coach, mentor, and see that the marriage is fit. The team leader listens, correct, and build the team. It is a shame that many heads of homes and unions only desire the respect, benefits and honour that comes with being ahead. Yet, they are unaware positional titles without work soon fizzle out.

Sadly, to continue honouring a negligent team leader who is destructive, arrogant, prideful, and unsupportive will be unsustainable. Women’s role is to support the leader in the marriage, receive instructions and clear guidance while ensuring they play their part in making sure the marriage team, including the children, are healthy. Many women are waiting for instructions, leadership, and clarity of purpose. Unfortunately, in many marriages, there is no clear leadership. Many women would go-ahead to take matters into their hand and take decisions to move forward. When this happens, it is perceived as usurping authority, disrespectful and insubordination.

Many women would go-ahead to take matters into their hand and take decisions to move forward.

These are some of the areas in a marriage that causes friction, resent and spiralling of minor misunderstandings into a giant unresolvable snowball. It has been known that some women rebel against authority, however coaching, good leadership influence and will win the adoration of followers eventually.

Why don’t we all do something different today, approach our marriage as teamwork, see ourselves, our spouse and even children as team members of our family? Take the Lead as a team leader, not dictatorial, listen to your team and build a healthy team where every member is valued and observe your appreciation and respect increase rapidly. Our marriages and good homes bring joy to us and give glory to God. Let us learn and sacrifice to enjoy it and give God glory.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here