How to overcome Bitterness, Anger and Unforgiveness

Bitterness, Anger and Unforgiveness I will refer to these three as BAU (Business As Usual). BAU are three critical attitudes that destroy relationships and love in marriage. The Bible tells us to live together in harmony, joy and peace with each other. We should be quick to forgive those who offend us because Christ our Lord and our model have shown us how to forgive. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. While He was being crucified, He extended forgiveness and prayed for those hurting him. I want us to admit and acknowledge no one is perfect and that we are all sinners. Christ has shown us mercy, and therefore He expects and commands us to show other people mercy. Mercy is an undeserved pardon. If God pardons us and removed our shame and death that we deserve because of our sin, how much more should we forgive people of the offences that ensue in our relationships. 

Mercy is an undeserved pardon.

What sometimes baffles me is some spouses are quick to overlook the transgression of their co-workers, friends and family but find it so hard to forgive their spouse. They count it as a grave sin, great disrespect, and serious offense if their spouse hurt them. If we can show other people mercy and pardon them, how much more should we have mercy on our partners, spouses, husbands, and wives. Marriages where there is unforgiveness and lack of mercy, will result in bitterness, resentment, and anger. In any home or relationship where BAU is the order of the day, I can tell you there can never be peace, joy, and harmony. 

Marriages where there is unforgiveness and lack of mercy, will result in bitterness, resentment, and anger.

There is never a void in life; let us look at darkness and light. For example, whenever we turn on the light, darkness disappears, and whenever we turn off the light, darkness takes over. Light and darkness exist; we only allow what we turn on. We cannot pray darkness away or speak in tongues to bring light. We must turn the light on to remove darkness, and we must turn off the light for darkness to prevail.  The Bible says we should live together in understanding and without resentment. The offence will happen in any relationship; we must deliberately keep out the negative BAU attitudes resulting from getting offended. We can be angry but do not sin; it is not the fact that we are angry, but what we do with our anger and the attitudes that follow is what leads to sin. Again, the Bible knows the way, and it tells us to quickly discard our rage, which means forgiving and letting go. When we hold onto offence, it quickly turns to rotten tomatoes full of worms and irritable things. 

When we hold onto offense, it quickly turns to rotten tomatoes full of worms and irritable things. 

We must root out BAU deliberately, guard against it and keep our heart pure and must forgive each other every day. If we do not forgive our spouse, who we profess to love the most and vowed to love in front of family and friends, and most importantly, God is the witness of our vows, we will inevitably resent them. I read recently on one of the numerous social media platforms where people have been masking the act of unforgiveness towards their spouse with the notion that we hate and love passionately. Some people said people who love passionately and deeply when hurt would also hate passionately and deeply. So many people identified with the statement and said, yes, that’s me, I agree, and my heart sank. They decided that because they loved someone so much, it hurts so much, and that is why these people find it so difficult to forgive the person they claim to love so deeply. That I found so utterly opposite to what God’s word says, for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

When we love so much, we give, offer and forgive so much, and not the other way round,

When we love so much, we give, offer and forgive so much, and not the other way round, that the world has twisted and accepted to perpetuate unforgiveness, that when we love so much, we hate so much. The world says it is because I love you so much that I now hate you so much. Wow! What an irony and a lie from the pit of hell being fed to many souls. This statement is used to justify the act of unforgiveness, and many couples have used it to allow BAU to destroy their beautiful relationship. We must go back to the bible way of doing love and loving someone so much. 

If you love someone so much, you will forgive them so much; love covers many sins.

If you love someone so much, you will forgive them so much; love covers many sins. So, if you are finding it difficult to forgive your spouse whom you love so much, you do need to check what type of love you have for your spouse. A hurtful heart is not a loving heart, and you cannot be hurting someone you love; it is impossible. Yet the world makes it easy for abuse to continue by masking hatred, unforgiveness and lack of love as passionate love, which turns to intense hate. We must work on this, and I want this transformation to start with you reading this blog right now, look at yourself and how you forgive those who hurt you. Are you doing BAU in your relationships and your marriage? 

A hurtful heart is not a loving heart, and you cannot be hurting someone you love; it is impossible. 

We must consider why we get hurt easily too, when people offend us, why does it hurt so much? If we reflect, we often hurt so much because we feel we are important such that we carry ourselves with so much pride in our relationships.  Hence, we cannot tolerate our spouse whom we love to offend us and release forgiveness; where there is pride there, you will find resentment and unforgiveness. Sometimes husbands and wives take themself too important in their marriage, yet we are all subjects of the highest God, submit ourselves to one another. If God has forgiven us and we cannot forgive our fellow being, we can see how we can say we love God. I want to encourage and implore you today; if you a husband or a wife and you live and do BAU in your marriage, please turn on the light of forgiveness. 

Where there is pride there, you will find resentment and unforgiveness.

The remote is in your hands; God has given you the authority and capacity to forgive and get rid of bitterness, resentment, anger and unforgiveness in your relationship. I hope you have not fallen into the deception of the world and the arch-enemy, the devil, masking unforgiveness with the notion that it is because you love so much and therefore can’t forgive because you also hurt so much. If you are in this position, then you are playing with the devil.  You are living in disobedience and choosing not to do what God commanded. To whom much is given, much is expected; if God has forgiven you that much your own sins and offenses, then you ought to overlook that much the sin of others and most especially your spouse. I pray God will help us forgive one another, live in peace and joy the grace of humility and patience not to take ourselves too important.  I pray that you help us not to allow pride to rule our hearts such that we continue to live in resentment with one another and destroy the excellent relationship and gift of a good and happy marriage.

I hope you will decide today, be in control of your negative emotions and take steps to take your marriage to the next level of bliss and peace. Amen

You may need someone to hold you accountable and support you on this journey, as a certified SYMBIS assessment facilitator, I can support you virtually. 

I invite you to take the pre-marriage assessment if you are single or engaged to be married soon or the SYMBIS+ Assessment if you are married. I will help you unpack the result and point out areas of strengths, weakness, opportunity, and threats (SWOT) in your marriage. Every successful business conducts SWOT analysis in other to continue to grow. 

Please send me a message below, and I will arrange for you to take the assessment as soon as possible.

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Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here