How to use respect and love to create synergy in a marriage.

I am very intrigued by how gears work to pull weights that are many times more than the weight of the equipment itself. Gears help propel and move things forward quickly, especially when the gear teeth align and set. Have you ever seen a gear that is misaligned work well?  A piece of misaligned equipment does not work well and would not move forward; sometimes, a lot of cranking noise will occur if the gear is being forced, and eventually, it will break down. This is precisely the picture I got when I was researching RESPECT and LOVE in a marriage. 

Respect and love in marriage go together in a marriage

Respect and love in marriage go together; the fundamental need of a man, as identified and confirmed by many studies, is respect. In contrast, the most crucial necessity of a woman is love. If you think of it as a critical need and not a desire or want, then husbands and wives would appreciate the necessity to understand and meet their partner’s demand.  When a man feels that he is being disrespected, it is like cutting off the food supply for a hungry man. He will not function optimally and would not show love to the woman as he would want to. When a woman feels she is not loved, it is equivalent to cutting off her energy supply. She will be incapable of becoming her best and eventually will start losing respect for the man. If the matter is not nipped in the bud early enough, it will become a challenge in the marriage. 

One of the many reasons’ marriage seems complex is this dynamic of respect and love.

One of the many reasons’ marriage seems complex is this dynamic of respect and love. The bible has given the final say on it. Still, many believers choose not to follow this principle, often time not deliberately but because it is a narrow path and counterintuitive.  God has commanded men to love and live with women in understanding; he did not add any condition that men should only love her when she submits or respects you. That is what unconditional love means to love with no requirement. The bible also gave the woman command to respect her husband. There was no condition attached to respecting him, whether he earns, deserves it, or not. However, it can be tough to respect a man that misbehaves or love a disprectful woman without the fear of God. 

A marriage that operates at this level has attained the expression of what God wanted in a marriage.  

A healthy and good marriage really means to be able to love one’s wife without any condition and to be able to respect one’s husband without judgement.  A marriage that operates at this level has attained the expression of what God wanted in a marriage.  Christ loved His bride while we were still sinners; He died to present us to Himself, spotless.  Why am I writing this today? It is to encourage you to meet the need of your spouse. Men must recognise women need love like air; women must recognise men need respect like oxygen.  I will encourage you as a man to concentrate and learn how to love your wife without waiting for her respect. As a woman, focus and work on how to respect your husband without waiting for his love. I will say that is one area where I have struggled in my marriage, to be able to keep up respecting my husband irrespective of his actions or inactions. By default, I want to go one way, but I quickly pull myself back to ensure I am obeying and honouring God as I respect my husband. 

Love is a decision and not a feeling.

We must realise, everyone deserves respect and love but due to our gender differences, males’ function best when they are respected and females more when loved. Would you decide to love your spouse unconditionally? Love is a decision and not a feeling. If you are waiting to feel ok before you start loving your wife, you are stalling the gear. I would like to call you to action; women we must deliberately choose to respect our husbands irrespective of whether they earns it or not. You will be starting the gear if you don’t learn to love and respect, and eventually, the synergy will return and turning the wheel of your marriage in the right direction. Having a good marriage is a choice; we can put so many things in place and ask God to bless and keep our home. 

I hope you will decide today, be in control of your negative emotions and take steps to take your marriage to the next level of bliss and peace. Amen

You may need someone to hold you accountable and support you on this journey, as a certified SYMBIS assessment facilitator, I can support you virtually. 

I invite you to take the pre-marriage assessment if you are single or engaged to be married soon or the SYMBIS+ Assessment if you are married. I will help you unpack the result and point out areas of strengths, weakness, opportunity, and threats (SWOT) in your marriage. Every successful business conducts SWOT analysis in other to continue to grow. 

To apply for the assessment, please click

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here