How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it
for a moment – how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him
or her to be the way you want him or her to be?

Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner – how to
get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with
us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend a lot of energy trying to get what we want from our
partner because we believe that if only we do it right – behave right or say the right thing – we
can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting
another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what we
want, but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves.

  • Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame,
    lectures, explanations, nagging or anger? These protective, controlling ways of
    responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within.
    The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective
    behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain.
    None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves, nor are we taking personal
    responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling
  • In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself –
    to my own feelings? Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results
    from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to be more
    loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive
    with ourselves and with our partner.
  • Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way we handle money, or the
    way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of
    conflicts so that I donít feel like a victim? Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation.
  • Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control? Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you are open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship.

When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partnerís behavior and into taking
loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the
relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to
control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop
your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with
your partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur.

Portrait Of Happy Black Spouses Reading Insurance Documents At Home, Young African American Husband And Wife Sitting At Table In Kitchen, Checking Papers And Counting Family Budget, Closeup Shot

Love In a Busy Season Of Life

Do you ever feel like you catch up with your partner infrequently, often late at night when you’re too tired to speak? Or when your timetables happen to collide? There are work dinners, school outings, sporting practice, dinners with friends, homework to supervise, household chores and so the list goes on. Do you feel like you need to make a date night just to spend some one on one time with your other half? Time when you’re not sleeping? If this sounds like you then I’m sure you will enjoy these tips for keeping each other close at heart, even if you cannot always be as physically close as you would like. It’s all about communicating and sharing the little things that make up our lives. Here are ten easy ways to make your feelings known:

  1. Birthday Love Letter- There is something powerful about a letter. Writing down all the things that you love about the other person and then giving them to them is a very personal and thoughtful thing to do. In many cases, it’s better than any gift you could possibly imagine and something to appreciate and cherish even when the birthday is a distant memory. You can do it for your children, too, if you have any, and they will never need to doubt that you love them. Of course, you don’t have to wait until it is your loved ones’ birthday to send them a letter; anytime is a good time to tell them how you feel about them.
  1. Sit Down and Talk About Your Day- One of the best times to do this is over a meal. If you are not much of a talker, plan out things you would like to tell your partner. Mention three things that happened, or the best/worst part of your day.
  1. Celebrate all your partners successes with them from a high five to a glass of champagne. Whatever the scale of the success calls for, make it a joint celebration.
  1. Allow yourself to be impressed by your partner and let them know. I’m proud of you is something that I think everyone loves being told by someone they care about.
  1. Never underestimate the power of a hug- Humans actually require a certain amount of hugs a day. Don’t forget to hug the people you love.
  1. Send them a photo that means a lot to you and tell them why it’s important to you.
  1. Share an experience. It could be a movie, music, article, or a short story. Talk about what you read or saw and why you liked or disliked it. And do it regularly.
  1. Compliments- Everyone loves getting them so never pass up the opportunity to give one of these reliable mood boosters. You can give them in person or write them on a small piece of paper and leave them somewhere unexpected for your loved one to find.
  1. Dance- It doesn’t take long to find a great song you both enjoy, put it on and dance around the living room floor. It is a wonderful way to physically reconnect with each other in between dinner and dessert or at the end of a long evening or you could make it an unusual way to start your day.
  1. Thoughtful gestures- Doing something unexpected, especially when your loved one is busy and stressed, is a lovely way to show that you understand what they are going through and that they have your support.

Showing your partner how much you love them need not take a lot of time and you will be rewarded many times over for your effort. Get Loving today!

White Sticky Note With Sorry Message And Red Push Pin On Yellow Background

Don’t Just Say You’re Sorry, Show You’re Sorry

The words, “I’m sorry” can get us out of trouble when we’ve done something wrong or hurt someone we care about but the key to a good apology is really meaning it and convincing the other person that you are truly remorseful. Apologizing just for the sake of keeping the peace is not an effective way to apologize. In doing so the recipient of the apology will most likely see through you and realize that your apology is insincere. A sincere and well timed apology, however, will help to mend the relationship that was harmed by your words or actions.

The most important way to prove that you are truly sorry for hurting someone is to ensure that the hurtful action is not repeated. Apologizing over and over while continuing to make the same mistake shows that your apology is not really sincere. On the other hand if you really mean that you are sorry for an action you will take careful steps not to repeat this action. Apologizing for your actions is one thing but being cautious not to repeat your actions really proves that you are indeed sorry.

Being specific regarding the reason for your apology also really proves that you are sorry. Many people are quick to offer an apology when they realize someone is upset with them but often they don’t take the time to figure out why the other person is upset. Apologizing without stating the reason for the apology shows that you don’t understand the problem and that you are not sincere in your apology. This is not an effective way to make an apology. However, if you offer a specific reason for your apology you are proving that you understand what you did to hurt the other person and that you do not want to repeat that action.

Another way to prove that your apology is authentic is to be sure to offer the apology in person. Having a third party speak to the person you have offended or apologizing via email or voice mail conveys a lack of caring. This kind of apology shows that you aren’t truly sorry for your actions. Meeting with the person face to face to have a sincere conversation and offer your apology is one way to really prove that you are sorry. It shows that you care enough about the other person to meet with them directly to try to make amends for your contributions to the disagreement.

In apologizing, if you want to prove that you really mean it, be careful not to place blame on the person you are apologizing to. Your apology is about telling the other person why you believe that you did something wrong. While they may have contributed to the situation, now is not the time to point out their faults. Instead take full responsibility for what you have done wrong. Accepting full responsibility for your actions and apologizing for them without placing blame on the other person will prove that your apology is sincere.

A genuine apology will also include telling the other person why your actions were wrong and how you intend to avoid hurting them in the future. Doing this proves to them not only that you understand you were wrong but that you understand why you were wrong. It also lets them know that you have already formulated a plan of action to ensure that this situation does not arise in the future.

The timing of your apology can also help to prove that you really are sorry. Waiting too long to apologize may show that you donít really care and that you are simply apologizing as an afterthought. An apology that is made too early may risk being ignored because the recipient of the apology is still too upset to listen to what you are saying. Itís important to give the other person a chance to vent their anger and calm down before rushing to apologize. After a reasonable amount of time approach them and let them know that you understand their anger and believe that it is justified and that you wanted to give them a chance to calm down before apologizing.

Sometimes it is not enough to simply apologize for your words or actions. It is often necessary to not only apologize but to also prove that your apology is sincere. A truly sincere apology proves that you are sorry by addressing the issue and acknowledging what you have done wrong while validating the other personís right to be angry and addressing how you will avoid similar actions in the future.


Happy Friendship = Happy Life

How to have happy friends? This is a very important question. Who likes friends who don’t smile and laugh? Who enjoys meeting friends who look serious? Not any one of us.

What about ourselves? Do we make happy friendships? Do we make our friends happy? Before thinking about others, wouldn’t it be better if we first analyze our own selves? Do we smile more often when we are with our friends? Do we laugh at the smallest joke? Or do we have a serious expression on our face all the time with our friends? Let us first think about our own behavior and correct whatever we can.

  • Making happy friendships- Make yourself look happy with your friends and your friends will reflect. That is the secret of happy friendship. Our emotions are reflected in our body language. The reverse is equally true. Does this help us? It does. It can change our state of mind by changing our physical state. For example, if you are feeling bored, try to look cheerful and you will start becoming cheerful. It is strange, but it works. If you are feeling sad, try to look happy. You will find the sadness going away. Isn’t it great?
  • How do we talk with friends? Happiness also depends on what we talk about with our friends. Are we always talking of our own life or do we also listen to them? Listening is the best way to make friends happy. Listen and do it carefully. No pretensions. Your friends will be happy that someone heard them out without interruption. You will also be making your friendship stronger. Listening is very good. By listening, we make the other person feel important. We also make him/her feel happy and relieved. By talking things out, one feels relieved. Isn’t it?
  • Give and you shall receive- the third law of Newton. Apply this law in your life and make happy friends. You can make them happy right now by telling them about how much you appreciate their friendship. Listening to your friends, keeping a happy state of mind in their company and appreciating the friendship will make happy friends. Make your life happier and your relationships stronger with happy friends.