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Why should we have regular training on how to do marriage?

I have left university now, It’s been some decades, and I have not stopped learning and getting trained to get better at doing my job. I have realised organisations and people who want to become better and do great things invest time, money and other resources into training and implementing new ideas. If you are not improving yourself, you will stagnate as other people are improving their lives. I often wonder why this attitude is not translated into our marital relationships. Some couples have no interest in getting marital education and training before starting the journey. Many who had premarital counselling stop attending marital training as soon as they are married because they believe they know what to do. 

Many who had premarital counselling stop attending marital training…

Many marriages in trouble today will benefit from training and ongoing support. The best leaders have mentors and regularly update their knowledge, skills and build new attitudes. For example, previous management principles were centred around hierarchy, carrot and stick or transactional methods in our corporate work circle. Progressive organisations have moved over to transformational and more horizontal leadership because they have realised, creativity, loyalty and productivity can be enhanced when you empower employees and motivate them to take responsibility for their performance. This movement results from years of innovation, adoption of new ideas and training managers and leaders. I want to believe the state of our marriages demand training for everyone considering entering the institution. 

The best leaders have mentors and regularly update their knowledge, skills and build new attitudes.

In one of his messages, Dr Myles Munroe said that if anyone wants to be married in their church, they are required to undergo a nine-month marriage course. The idea of nine-month-long training puts many couples off, especially those who just wanted a celebrity wedding, and when they get to the nitty-gritty of what marriage entails, they back out. Those who tried to commit to having a good marriage stayed the course and consequently went on to have a fruitful marriage.

The SYMBIS emphasises another way to corroborate the need for marital education (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) premarital assessment by Dr Les & Leslie Parrott. The SYMBIS assessment taken by over one million couples was administered by SYMBIS assessment facilitators; research reveals that taking the SYMBIS reduces the divorce rate by 31%. That is saving every one in three marriages from ending in divorce.  

I am afraid; many people have the wrong attitude towards marriage.

People’s ideology and mindset towards marriage significantly affect the outcome of their relationship, and I am afraid; many people have the wrong attitude towards marriage. For some people, getting into marriage means halving their responsibilities and being served by their spouse. Some even feel they will have more freedom and so want to quickly leave their parents’ house to have a life of freedom. However, when they get married, they often realise they still need to be accountable to their spouse, pay bills and serve their spouse.  

I wonder if you realise that “to marry means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties”? A quote by Arthur Schopenhauer.

Most successful marriages result from two people who decide to work together to have a beautiful relationship. How are you training yourself to have the right mindset about marriage and your spouse?

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Love is an action word and doing word: for matured minds only.

Have you been in love?  When we were young, our parents described the moment they set their eyes on newborn babies, how in an instant, a strong affection develops for this little being. Even though a newborn child can cause sleepless nights, parents usually don’t stop caring and developing a strong bond with their children under normal circumstances; of course, there are exceptional cases that this does not occur. Loving a newborn is the picture of what loving unconditionally means; many couples love with conditions yet vow to love for better for worse, richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health. 

I often wonder how lightly married couples take their marital vows. Vows are powerful, and the Bible clarifies that it is better not to vow than to swear and not fulfil it. Many people suffer the consequences of breaking their oaths and blaming the devil or each other. Malachi 2 is a chapter in the bible many couples do not understanding, hence they are facing God’s righteous justice. You both vow to honour, cherish and love each other but as soon as cracks begin to surface, love becomes conditional.

Vows are powerful, and the Bible clarifies that it is better not to vow than to vow and not fulfil it.

Love is an action word and a doing word; it is a form of feeling yet much more than a feeling that comes and goes like the wind. I want to call you to a higher level of love, especially if you are in Christ. Love means you die to your selfish self and give yourself away to your spouse. You cannot give yourself away in love without being vulnerable, kind, compassionate and humble. Love gives a part of you without expecting a return the same way you have given it. Love is a buried seed; the plant seeds had to die to feed the new shoots, which then brings forth fruits. Some people want the fruit of love, which is admiration, elevation and glorification, just like our Lord Jesus, yet they want to skip the part of vulnerability, to serve and lay down their pride. 

I want to call you to a higher level of love, especially if you are in Christ

As a mother, I understand loving a child no matter the current situation, and I will always love and accept my children for who they are, not what they do. We are God’s children because He created us, and many that come to receive His grace are called the sons of God. Are you only able to love your spouse when they do as you say?  Love based on feelings dies and grow cold, but love based on conviction continue to wax stronger and stronger each day. It does not depend on the conditions around but a belief that we are one body, you are mine, and I am yours; when couples reach this level of love, they have hit the “sweet spot” in their marriage. 

Love based on feelings dies and grow cold, but love based on conviction continue to wax stronger

If you are still falling in and out of love quickly, you are yet to reach a level of maturity that helps you eat the fruit of unconditional love in your marriage. I pray couples will understand the depth and type of love (agape love) required for a beautiful marriage. Sexual love, obedience, love and infatuation are levels of love, and couples will go through these phases, but the ability to grow and develop unconditional love is critical to bliss. If one has not experienced and understood the unconditional love of God, how can one know and give this type of love? 

I pray you will come to accept Gods unconditional love and be filled with His love so you can love your neighbour – your spouse is your closest neighbour; why not start from there.

Great marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth. 

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5 Soft Skills & Behaviours That Make You The Best Spouse Ever.

Recently I have written about having soft skills in marriage and why it is essential that as a spouse, we do skills audits and check that we have and are developing the right sets of skills that will help us to be the best spouse ever. Many married partner dreams and yearn to be called the “best husband or best wife ever”, but they are not doing the things that will present them as such a person. Some behaviours qualify us as the best and excellent, yet so many people have behaviours and characters that show them as short of being the best.

Many married partner dreams and yearn to be called the “best husband or best wife ever”

Everybody will call a kind, gracious and loving spouse the best, but a mean, angry and unkind soul wants or desires to be liked and celebrated, yet the fragrance around them repels their partner. They become more irritable and farther away from what they desire. I can assure you that every spouse can be the best as long as we are keen to have and work on giving each other the best of each other. A behaviour change comes with acknowledging and looking at oneself first. If it was an easy task, I know many people would be the best husband or wife today; it is easier to spot the flaws in others than to see ourselves and own up to our shortcomings. 

It is easier to spot the flaws in others than to see ourselves and own up to our shortcomings

Many people who quickly see other people’s weaknesses are full of deficiencies that they often project unto others. They assess and judge other people through their broken lens hence their inability to look past their mistakes and be gracious to them. God word reveals His attributes in Exodus 34: 6-7 Compassion, Grace, Patience – (slow to anger), Loyal love and Faithfulness.

These are good behaviours that an admirable spouse will possess, develop and continue to nurture to become the best version of themselves and, out of that abundance in them, will overflow unto others. 

Let us take a mirror and look at ourselves in the following five questions if we can.

Compassion: Are you a compassionate spouse?

Gracious: Are you generous in how you deal with your partner?

Patience: (slow to anger) – Are you an angry spouse or a patient spouse?

Loyal love: Are you loving simply when things are good and going your way or loving for better for worse as you vowed?

Faithfulness: Are you steady, committed and faithful to your spouse?

A pure self-reflection of our behaviours as a stand-alone and the desire to be a better person will allow you and me to answer the above questions truthfully and commit to making changes. 

Not for your spouse’s sake but for yourself, and as you begin to renew your mind, you will emerge a better person and soon reflect on others around you as a better husband, wife, parent, friend, etc.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Don’t expect me to make you happy: Happiness comes from within you

I love the purple colour, and if I were living in fairy-tale land, I would probably live in a purple-coloured house, and all my clothes and accessories would have a hint of purple. It is a colour that makes me happy, yet I have met people who cannot withstand excessive purple. What makes me happy is different and will always be different from what makes you happy. Some people are so glad when others are happy, and others are so glad when others are sad. However, that’s edging towards a dark personality. The happiness index varies from place to place and people to people. 

What makes me happy is different and will always be different from what makes you happy.

So, when two people come together in marriage, and one person is waiting on the other person to make them feel happy, it is a recipe for disappointment, especially if they cannot articulate what makes them happy. I have noticed that happy people are happy no matter what may be going on around them. Their source of joy and happiness is found deep within their core. Some people who rely on external or environmental factors to feel happy are often hollow on the inside, so they have no substance to withstand any negative perception from the outside.

Please permit yourself to be happy; your happiness is found deep within you.

Would you check the source of your happiness and joy today? Are you relying on other people, your spouse or things to make you feel good?  You alone are responsible for your happiness level, and it is out of the abundance of joy you have in you that you can spill over to others. Hence, if you are spewing lava like a volcano, lava does not come from an external source; the lava is coming from the deep belly of the volcano. It is not comfortable for us to always look within and take responsibility for how we feel. Please permit yourself to be happy; your happiness is found deep within you. No external factor can diminish your joy if you do not allow negativity or evil thoughts to get inside of you. 

It is not comfortable for us to always look within and take responsibility for how we feel.

Nelson Mandela is a perfect example of a person who knows their intrinsic value; even though he was tortured, humiliated, and imprisoned, it never got to his core. He was so sure of who he was that he was unable to resent his prisoners even after his release. There is no room in his heart for negativity or hatred. He was completely full of joy and positivity that it drowned out any external negative influence. So why am I sharing this to you as a married spouse or soon to be?

What you carry inside you is what you will spew out when a force or pressure is placed on you.

What you carry inside you is what you will spew out when a force or pressure is placed on you. Resist and do not be tempted to focus on external pressure in your marriage; it will happen and how you respond reveals your inner beauty or not so beautiful part of you. I want you to focus on filling your heart with goodness, sweetness, and grace so that when you are under pressure, instead of buckling and spewing out rubbish, you will be dripping with dignity and honour.

I am very sorry if I have bust your bubble that marriage will make you happy. My wife or husband will make me happy on the inside because of the way they treat me. Oh no, you may be setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Marriage expectation is different from reality only if your expectation was not balanced about marriage in the first instance.

I hope you can begin to look at the content of your core being and your reactions to external forces; how matching are they now?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23  

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Seven common behaviours sabotaging your marriage relationships

Many people are aware of behaviours that jeopardise relationships and are keen to avoid those behaviours when it comes to professional life and friendship outside of marriage. For some strange reason, people are very comfortable with behaviours that damage relationships within marriage. If you have been following my blog, you will realise that I often use illustrations around how organisations work and relate that to success within our marriages. 

If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home?

I am often perplexed when I see harmful behaviours amongst professionals and some who are not professionals, especially regarding how they relate to their spouses. I have seen spouses who have female bosses respect and speak to them kindly at work, and when they get home, they have no iota of respect for their partners. They shout, scream, and throw tantrums such that we wonder how they can speak calmly with other colleagues at work. I want to believe familiarity breeds contempt, but many people are aware of the consequences of contempt of the law in court or at work; hence they can moderate their behaviours in those places, even under intense interrogation.

Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now!

Many partners have male bosses and can accommodate and work with them to achieve targets, yet at home, their spouse may consider them as having no clue how to make decisions and unable to get along making decisions. I often ask myself and my husband these questions: If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home? Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now. 

However, as easy as that may sound, many people cannot break these habits because they are rooted in issues more profound than just the surface reaction. The truth is most of these behaviours in marriage stems from fear, self-esteem issue and vulnerability, which separate marriage from other relationships. 

Having read so many books and listened to other experts speak on this topic, I can summarise the common seven behaviours that couples have which sabotage their relationships as:

  1. Lack of respect for each other.
  2. Speaking harshly, screaming, and shouting at your spouse.
  3. Taking each other’s needs for granted.
  4. Holding grudges, keeping malice, inability to sit down and talk the issue through.
  5. Refusing food, sex, and activities you usually do together as a couple.
  6. Creating division, separation, and resentment due to misunderstandings.
  7. Overly critical of each other and inability to forgive and move on with life.

No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other…

These are seven behaviours of many that people may or may not be aware of, consciously or unconsciously do in their marriage that is self-sabotaging. Whether at work level, friendship level, parent/child or husband and wife, every relationship requires intentionality to sustain and grow that bond. Some people would put effort into parent/child or friendship with colleagues, church members, and neighbours but starve their marriage relationship, expecting it to happen because they are married. They stop dating and courting themselves, yet, they are hoping to have a magnificent relationship. 

When problems arise, rather than fixing the relationship, they will spend time with friends, neighbours, and work colleagues to escape misery. Some will bury their heads into work to avoid repairing or working on their marriage. No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other, and weed out bad habits. At the centre of every successful and happy marriage are couples who consciously stay positive, act, and improve their relationships. 

Let’s reflect on a couple of questions below:

If you are in a relationship that is not happy, what are you doing to nurture your friendship with your spouse? 

What are you expecting from your marriage relationship, and what are your contributions to making that happen? 

If you do not plan to succeed, you have prepared to fail, and this phrase is a common cliché in motivational talks; but it applies in marriage.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Common human skills or soft skills required for a successful marriage that is uncommon.

I recently had an interview for a new role, and I had to prepare for it within the same organisation. Part of my preparation was a mock interview. During the mock interview, I found out listing my hard skills, i.e., core competencies needed for the role, was great, but mentioning my soft skills or human skills as I would like to call them was essential. A successful accountant with no interpersonal skill may not be victorious over another competent accountant who works as a local scout, guide, or club volunteer. The volunteering role reveals more human skills they may not even mention, such as working in a team, resilience, collaboration, patience etc.  Why am I making this analogy? A partner that does not have the right human skills or soft skills will never make an excellent spouse in marriage. 

A partner that does not have the right human skills or soft skills will never make an excellent spouse in marriage.

Let me attempt to list some of the hard skills we require for marriage: a hardworking partner, a financially stable spouse, a good-looking spouse, a partner who can cook, clean, make the home pleasant, a loving spouse, etc. Here are some soft or human skills that we may not necessarily capture while dating: a forgiving spouse, a kind partner, a God-fearing person, a self-sacrificing being, a person with conscience etc., non-judgemental, unable to keep malice, peace-loving and conscientious person. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us some soft skills, especially when in love, failing to check what love means. 

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, or rude.

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not irritable.

Love keeps no record of being wronged.

Love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless.

But love will last forever!

I wonder how many people consciously consider these while dating or lookout for these attitudes in their prospective partner? We often give in to our spouse’s demands and forget to check if they give in to our demands, especially when we are in love. Many people ignored the red flags and never checked if our partner’s love for us meets the above criteria. Many spouses have shown impatience, lack of compassion, injustice, and angry outbursts, yet we overlook those thinking they love us and will not act that way.

We should marry someone with the necessary hard skills, but I have found a partner with these soft skills even more pertinent.

We should marry someone with the necessary hard skills, but I have found a partner with these soft skills even more pertinent. A gentle and kind spouse who may not have financial capacity can become successful tomorrow. A successful, wealthy, and callous spouse will not suddenly become soft and kind except, by some miracle, to meet Jesus, surrendered, and become a new person.

Just as recruiters are aware and look out for soft skills over hardcore knowledge, we must teach the next generation of people going into marriage to check for human skills in their partner.

Are you sure you know the attributes required to be a great spouse?

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Can Mercy and Grace Make Marriages Merry?

A few months ago, I told my children “No more snacks” because they ate up the snacks I bought within a week. My thought was the snacks would last up to a month. Am I sure some people can relate to this! However, before I knew it, we were in the shop again, buying more snacks. Parents have a way of forgiving and being merciful to their children. The word mercy is defined as “compassion or forgiveness shown towards someone who is within one’s power to punish or harm” or simply “not getting what you deserve”. God is a compassionate father, and if you and I should get the reward of what we deserve, undoubtedly no one will get to heaven. God didn’t want anyone to perish, hence He paid the price and forgave us all our past, present, and future sins. 

We cannot love like our father in heaven without developing an attitude of Mercy and compassion towards our spouse.

Many people do not fully understand the concept of Mercy in marriage. We cannot love like our father in heaven without developing an attitude of Mercy and compassion towards our spouse. Some people have read or come across people who have no concept of compassion or Mercy. Psychologists refer to such beings as having narcissistic personalities. They cannot feel sympathy or empathy towards someone else, their belief is in punishment, and see to it that they avenge themselves. What you give is what you get with these types of people, yet the astonishing thing is some of these people claim to be Christians. They pray and fast and cry out to God for Mercy, and they get no result: they are unforgiving and unable to extend the Grace and Mercy they desire. 

Any marriage or relationship where Mercy does not prevail will struggle with resolving conflict quickly.

Any marriage or relationship where Mercy does not prevail will struggle with resolving conflict quickly. As Christians, we must learn to put on the attitude of Mercy and grace; some couples do not reconcile quickly or ever at all, because one or both wants to avenge or revenge. Judgment and no mercy is what they crave. Mercy comes from a Hebrew word that means womb. The womb protects the baby inside it. A merciful spouse is concerned about protecting their partner and marriage and less concerned about self-preservation. A mother cares more for the baby in her womb and goes through the many changes to her body and the risks associated with birthing a baby. Her main concern while pregnant is the safe delivery of that baby. God has shown as a father we can be compassionate just as mothers are compassionate, it is not gender specific. Compassionate people care and protect their families; they show Mercy which result into happy and joyful marriages. 

A merciful spouse is concerned about protecting their partner and marriage and less concerned about self-preservation.

How merciful are you towards your spouse? Do you desire a happy marriage? Have you considered being merciful? You may have the power to control, dominate and hurt people because of your position in your marriage, but you don’t have to choose that path. Bind mercy and truth to your neck and see how graceful, beautiful, and loving you will become. 

Be merciful as your father in heaven is merciful. Shalom.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How Bonded is your Holy Marriage

A godly marriage is a holy bond between the couples and God as a witness. Christian marriages are a Holy Bond, and that does not disqualify or minimise other marriages. However, if you’ve asked God to be a witness between you and your spouse, you have entered a covenant of marriage as a holy bond. Why is that so, you may want to ask? Our God is holy; hence this principle will not apply to all marriages but to those who entered a sacred marriage. 

A godly marriage is a holy bond between the couples and God as a witness.

Many marriages are not as strong as God intended them to be; some couples have loosened their marital bond by emotional, physical and mental separation. Some people wonder why God has not answered their prayers even though they want a happy marriage but find themselves struggling. The reason is in God’s word, the Holy Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:12 – One standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer; three is even better, for a triple-braided cord is not quickly broken (TLB). Couples who invite and honour God in their marriage form a threefold cord that is not quickly broken. 

Couples who invite and honour God in their marriage form a threefold cord that is not quickly broken. 

God has given us all that pertains to life and Godliness in His Word; without leaving and cleaving, husband and wife are in danger of the inability to bond and weave into each other. Also, without fear, reverence, and honour of God in a marriage, couples leave room for the God strand to go loose in their marriage. Holy matrimony is a sacred bond between a husband and his wife with God as a witness, and the third cord is needed to make this bond strong. 

When spouses do not get this foundation right, they begin to loosen the bond in their marriage: the first step can be subtle, such as refusing to follow God’s law about marriage, lack of joint fellowship such as praying together, fasting, and serving God together. It is vital and critical that couples guard their relationship with God together intentionally. The enemy cannot penetrate efficiently couples who are alert and have made God their fortress. 

The enemy cannot penetrate efficiently couples who are alert and have made God their fortress.

The laws of marriage are simple yet easily ignored by many couples. One of the laws of marriage is – Husband loves your wife as Christ loved the church. When a husband decides to love his wife as Christ loved the church, no measure of sin is unforgivable. 

When a woman obeys the laws of Marriage as God required: to submit to her husband, it will not be a complicated matter to serve and honour her husband, and abuse will not occur when both partners fear the Lord. All we need for a holy marriage is simple and easy, but like salvation, many ignore it and find themselves outside of God’s will. 

A holy marriage honours God and will not be easily broken. 

We must therefore keep in mind the three strands of a strong, Godly and happy marriage are: 

1. A guarded relationship with God together as a couple. We must never allow separation of our union with God first and foremost. 

2. A resolution by both spouses to obey Gods law of love and submission is not a matter of chicken and egg but a request of both partners to obey God.

3. A firm commitment to leave and cleave to each other and God; this ensures the threefold cord is maintained and remain bonded and stronger. 

We must remember the enemy’s trick is to initiate division subtly first; once you allow him a foot in, he will create a gorge before you know it. Even in intense moments of fellowship, as some refer to the ever-present married couple arguments, make sure you do not allow separation of any form. A holy marriage honours God and will not be easily broken. 

How closely knit are you, your spouse and your God? 

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

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Marriage has two sides, Beautiful and Ugly: which side are you facing and nurturing?

I love collecting British coins because, on the flip side of some of the coins, there are images worth much more than the face value of each currency. Rare Brexit 50p coins with the words: Peace, Prosperity, and Friendship with all nations 2020 written on the side are listed for £15,000 online. Now, if you and I have this 50p coin and never looked at the other side before exchanging it for a 50p sweet, what a treasure we forfeit, if we did look at the other side of the coin, which my daughter is much obsessed with now, we could have a deposit for a house. 

You have treasure on the other side of your spouse that you are missing if you fail to consider both sides of their coin.

Therefore, why am I sharing this illustration with you as a single unmarried person or married couple? You have treasure on the other side of your spouse that you are missing if you fail to consider both sides of their coin. Likewise, if you see only the ugly side of your spouse and decide not to consider looking at the other beautiful side, you probably deny and cheat yourself of the joys of marriage. If you are seeing the beautiful side of your partner and you are not prepared to face their ugly side when the coin flips, you are also setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment. I am so amazed when people approach marriage as a fairy-tale or a madhouse view only. Marriage is a combination of good and evil; it is our choice to nurture the excellent side and continuously reduce the ability of the nasty side to take over our beautiful marriage.

I am so amazed when people approach marriage as a fairy-tale or a madhouse view only.

I want you to list the good attributes you found in your spouse when you decided to marry them, also list the irritating characteristics you found initially. Still, you accepted and thought you would live by or, if you are those living in fairy-tale land, assumed you would change. Oh no, you cannot change another person’s make-up or mindset; you can influence people, which is done by showing them much love, being a good leader and accepting people as they are. It is the love and care we offer that move people to change behaviours. Also, some people believe they know what is good and what is wrong. Yes, there are standard moral codes, but most of the attributes that irritate our relationships are different views. We must be prepared to accept other people’s points of view. 

…most of the attributes that irritate our relationships are different views.

For instance, the standard of cleanliness in someone’s house may be different from my house, depending on who and how we were brought up. Consider people doing cleaning jobs and clean other people’s homes, they will likely have a higher standard of cleanliness than those who probably work in the construction industry where they are covered in dust all day long. Noticing a speck of dust at home for a construction expert is probably not going to be a deal-breaker, yet for another spouse who works in a cleaning company, a speck of dust is a deal-breaker. Therefore, we must check why we are easily angered or irritated at the way of life of our partner, we must understand our difference, they as the spice of life, and we must do our best to accommodate other people’s points of view.

… we must do our best to accommodate other people’s points of view.

So, what will you do differently today? Are you going to consider the other side of the coin of your spouse? Are you going to be flexible and be prepared to have a broad mind and love your spouse irrespective of your different points of view? If you choose to accept and love yourself and your spouse, you will enjoy the beautiful side of marriage more than the ugly side.

Great marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.

What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Connecting Love and Leadership in Marriage: Do you get that right?

Who wants to be a leader? Everyone would like to be a leader, and somehow, we are all leaders, albeit in various capacities and positions. A leader shows the way and influences their followers. For example, Jesus Christ is our leader as Christians; the early disciples were called Christians initially because they had the influence and fragrance of Christ. A husband is the leader of the marriage, his wife and children. Both husband and wife are the leaders of their family; both spouses will influence children and they will follow their leading. Therefore, leadership exist in various forms, and it is one of the areas most people forget to develop or consider in life and marriage. Leadership is influence, and it is very different from management. A leader is different from a boss because a boss wants the job done, while a leader seeks to influence and empower people to make their own decision, do their work without being forced or coerced. We often do not focus on love when we address leadership, whether at home, work, or in the world generally.

A leader shows the way and influences their followers.

However, looking through history, the most outstanding leaders sacrificed their lives to help their followers. They laid down their lives, comfort and freedom so that many other people can be free, fulfilled and empowered. Our most extraordinary and unrivalled example is Jesus Christ, our Lord. He gave up His throne in heaven and became one of us. He washed his disciples’ feet, forgave the sinners, ate with the outcast, healed the lepers, and so many miracles. Famous world leaders like Nelson Mandela, Dr Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi gave up their lives and freedom to lead others to victory. Any attempt at leading without love and sacrifice is nothing short of a clanging cymbal, irrespective of other qualities such as resourcefulness, courage, charisma, self-discipline etc.

Are you a loving leader in your home?

Are you a loving leader in your home? As a spouse, are you leading your partner and children with love or with fear? Some people at home are the lion of the tribe of family. Their disposition is to create fear in the hearts of their partners and children. Research and the Bible have shown that the best and most excellent way to lead is to love the followers. Love is occupied with developing others and bringing out the best in them without fear of feeling less important. Many people think leadership is essential; being puffed up with power, egotistic, and above the law; they believe as a leader they are above everyone else. They can do and undo, and no one may correct or advise them. That is not leadership at all. Some people see leadership as other people-pleasing them, making sure no one else has a voice, and they know it all. 

Love is occupied with developing others and bringing out the best in them without fear of feeling less important.

Leaders are secure; they know they are free but subject themselves to serving and developing their followers. Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:14-15 sums up what it takes to be a leader ” I will mostly spend and be spent for your souls”. 1 Cor. 9:19 “for though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them”. Leaders are servants, and they do not seek to be served but yearn to serve and bring out the best in others. How are you helping your partner? Are you waiting to be served, or are you serving and giving your all to see your family become great without you feeling less? It is sad to hear of spouses who cannot help their partners or even offer to provide a glass of water because they are the leader of the manor. 

How about our Lord Jesus Christ who created the world and beings, yet he bent down, wrapped a towel around His waist and washed His disciples’ dusty feet! Wow, that is an example every leader must emulate. In our marriages let us become servant leaders, there is much love in serving others and a lot more love when we serve our husbands or wives. 

Great marriages don’t naturally happen; they are created by imperfect couples who refuse to give up on each other and their marriage.

Please let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment.

I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.

Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships. 

Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment

Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples. What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to. Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here