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How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it
for a moment – how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him
or her to be the way you want him or her to be?


Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner – how to
get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with
us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend a lot of energy trying to get what we want from our
partner because we believe that if only we do it right – behave right or say the right thing – we
can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting
another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what we
want, but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves.

  • Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame,
    lectures, explanations, nagging or anger? These protective, controlling ways of
    responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within.
    The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective
    behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain.
    None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves, nor are we taking personal
    responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling
    ways.
  • In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself –
    to my own feelings? Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results
    from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to be more
    loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive
    with ourselves and with our partner.
  • Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way we handle money, or the
    way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of
    conflicts so that I donít feel like a victim? Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation.
  • Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control? Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you are open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship.

When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partnerís behavior and into taking
loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the
relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to
control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop
your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with
your partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur.

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How To Plan an Economical Romantic Weekend Getaway with Your Spouse

Spending time with each other as husband and wife is key to keeping romance, life and flame in our relationships burning. Many people often think of paying a considerable amount of money when organizing a trip; it should not be so. You can spend time together without spending a fortune, and I bet you, your spouse, will feel the love, and you will be satisfied. 

You do not need to spend a lot of money to have a romantic weekend getaway with your husband or wife. There are many opportunities for inexpensive weekend trips that create a special memory with the one you love. The feeling that if you do not spend a lot of money, you will sacrifice style and luxury has kept most couples bound and deprived them of that quality bonding time together. 

Below are tips on how and where to spend romantic time together without bursting your wallet:

You and your spouse can go camping over the weekend; there are many camping facilities and good choices in and around your area. Decide to camp with your spouse, set up a tent, cook over an open fire, and gaze at the stars at night. Just thinking about that moment is already magical. Pack food from home, so you don’t have to spend money on food: finger foods, precooked foods, marshmallows, etc., will be an inexpensive way to create a lover’s feast in the moonlight and a memory you can’t forget. Do this often as you can and see what difference it makes in your marriage. And you don’t have to go outside; your garden or backyard can be a good spot on a good day.

Another inexpensive option is to drive small-town and lodge in bed and breakfasts that offer excellent services, delightful food, and appealing rooms for a low price. A smaller town with a picturesque area is a great way to spend some time away from the city and share special moments with your spouse. 

If you are ready to spend a bit more, book yourselves into a nearby Spa hotel, again you can bring your food, so you don’t have to spend a lot of food, ensure your suite has a kitchenette and make yourselves a good breakfast. After having a relaxing spa at the facility, spend your time checking out the local places of interest, museums, and attractions and retire back to finish off at the hotel. 

Once in a while, you can indulge your spouse, save up toward spending a weekend at a luxury hotel, booking during the off-season can come cheap and also look out for couple packages. You can create exceptional romantic getaway moments by walking hand in hand along a river, beach or taking a hike in the mountains, and you will spend very little if you find cheap accommodations and bring your own food or packages that offer half board.

These ideas are simple, but you need to commit to it, create time and save towards it, prioritize time away with your spouse at least once a quarter, have memories, and I am sure you will always look forward to those times. 

I hope you will plan one getaway today; either of you can plan it, don’t leave it to one person to initiate.

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Do you pray for your marriage and partner enough? Would you like to pray more?

On many occasions when I have watched programmes on television, there are instances where people who would typically not believe in God or prayer suddenly find themselves in a precarious situation. What mostly comes out without thinking is, oh my God (OMG!), or people start to mumble prayers to God they never thought existed. It sometimes seems natural to pray at difficult times but unnatural to pray or seek God when things are going well or enjoying our lives. As couples, we must begin to cultivate prayer attitudes that will catapult our relationships to a higher altitude. Early in my marriage, I wouldn’t set aside time to deeply cover my husband and our marriage aside from the regular daily prayer we turn to routine as Christian. 

As couples, we must begin to cultivate prayer attitudes that will catapult our relationships to a higher altitude

However, we know better to pray and warfare for our marriage, husband, children, loved one, and community because the enemy does not like good things to continue. Both husband and wife need to realise that marriage is beautiful, and the enemy or the adversary does not welcome any beautiful thing. Bible tells us that while men slept, the enemy came to sow tares in the field and went his way. Prayer covering our spouse, marriage and family must become our priority, and we must no longer wait until the evil seed sown by the enemy has germinated, grown to a mighty oak before we start tearing it down. I am sure you will agree with me that killing an evil seed before it germinates is a lot easier than uprooting a mighty oak that resulted from that tiny seed. Yet many couples enter marriage intending to enjoy loving each other forever only to realise they no longer hold that promise. Often, we tackle marital breakdown and troubles from marital ignorance, lack of conflict resolution skills, financial crises, interference from family and in-laws etc. I have noticed that we also fail to check evil attacks and seduction of the underworld. The Bible says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus’ came to give us eternal and abundant life. 

We do not like to fight the enemy when there is no evidence of attack or problems, which is the devil’s sly and strategy

We do not like to fight the enemy when there is no evidence of attack or problems, which is the devil’s sly and strategy. It makes us relaxed and never thinks of prayer covering our good fortunes. Many marriages and couples suffer due to ego entanglements, seductive spirits, illegal evil attachments, divination, enchantment, and spiritual attack that could be prevented if we were discerning. Still, often the enemy penetrates us and only when we start to feel the pain and pinch that we realise something went wrong. 

often the enemy penetrates us and only when we start to feel the pain and pinch that we realise something went wrong 

Otherwise, how could we explain some demonic domestic abuse happening all over our cities and communities? I am not advocating that we become paranoid and see every issue in our marriage as an attack. Still, we must be vigilant, prayer cover and warfare for our partners, children, marriage, and family regularly.

Why not join us on our Facebook group to pray daily into your marriage? Prayer covers your spouse mind, soul, and body, protect your children in the supernatural and physical, and so when evil seeds drop, your prayers will quickly destroy them. When a satanic representative sees your family, your husband, they will not make a nest and rest in your territory.

We need men and women who will be vigilant in the supernatural, keeping the enemy out of our territory and waging war for our husband, wife, children, and community. A good marriage will make God happy and the enemy miserable. Now it looks like the enemy is rejoicing over marriages given the alarming rates of leakages of joy, peace, resources etc. God does not intervene, except we ask Him to do so today, make up your mind to wake up from the slumber of the enemy and pray.  

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3 tips to grow old gracefully and joyfully with your spouse

One of the principles of marriage that I hope many people and couples comprehend is its longevity and permanency. Still, somehow, our culture and tradition have found a way to make believe and deceive many people that marriage don’t last long. Some people do not see their marital relationship as the most important and superior to all other relationships in their life. Getting this notion and fact right creates a solid foundation for having a long and loving marriage. 

No wonder the Bible tells us that for this reason (marriage), a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. It is such a pity that many people do not abide by this command; they prefer to go with worldly views and sayings such as – “A wife can leave you, but your parents will never leave you”. How I wish I could tell every man and woman that statement is not entirely true, parents disown, and parents will and should go to heaven before children. So, parents will leave you, and it will be you and your wife or husband. Even the children you have together will flee the nest at some point.

One of the principles of marriage that I hope many people and couples grasp is its longevity and permanency

Marriage is built to last long; husband and wife will live together longer than they would ever have to live with their parents, friends, siblings, or neighbours if God gives them long life. Looking at the average age when people leave home to start living on their own or get married, we can comfortably say around age 18 – 27 years. We know that some people stay at home till around age 30, but no one in that situation would find it normal. 

However, couples who marry early and age well into their 90s and 100s can celebrate 70 years together, and most couples look forward to celebrating their golden jubilee, 50 years of living and doing life together. So, it is no surprise to see that a marriage relationship is the most important relationship we can have; not only is it intimate, which we cannot do with any member of our family, we totally become one with our spouse in the form of having a child or children together, that signifies two becoming one. There is no way you can separate yourself by dividing your children.

Marriage is built to last long; husband and wife will live together longer than they would ever live with their parents, friends, siblings, or neighbours.

Having a full understanding of the principle above and accepting that you and your wife want to live long, why would anyone not want that relationship to grow better and sweeter each day? 

I am looking forward to a long and rewarding marriage, so I am prepared to work and make my marriage sweet. Below are tips and suggestions you can engage to help you and your spouse grow together in love, mature and sweet an aged wine.

  1. Find ways to serve and not to be served – one of the acts in a marriage that removes selfishness is to find out why you are into that marriage. Are you to help your spouse, or are you there to be served? From the cultural influence and background, I grew up with, many of our male species believe marriage is to serve them while women get into the marriage having been trained to support and not expect to be helped. Some men want to get married, so they no longer have to respect the woman; they become overwhelmed with power and selfish because they are the head, and no one is above them in the marriage. Whether you are the head or not, we ought to follow the example of our Lord Jesus Christ; He is the head and creator of the universe, yet able to serve humbly and wash the feet of His disciples. I wonder if you can wash your wife’s dirty feet when she comes back from the market? We naturally want to serve as women, and I know I may be biased as I am a woman and speaking from my experience.

I wonder if you can wash your wife’s dirty feet when she comes back from the market?

  1. Find ways to bond and refuse separation – Growing together is like grafting another piece of a plant into the trunk of a tree. Before the grafting is complete, the two parts must be tied together for some time and continue to be tighter and nurtured for the bond to be strong enough to prevent the grafted plant from breaking away. Wedding day is the day of grafting, and it will take many years of care, nurture and intentional bonding for husband and wife to grow together. One of the ways they prevent perfect bonding is separation, physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional, psychological, financial, etc. Couples do not realise that a separation weakens their bond of love. Be on guard, never allow separation and always look for ways to bond; even when you have misunderstandings, remain together. The enemy uses lies and separations as a tool to cause disaffection. Don’t fall prey and if you are separated in any form, please find ways to bond. Sexual bonding is a way to start.  

Wedding day is the day of grafting, and it will take many years of care, nurture and intentional bonding for husband and wife to grow together.

  1. Find one reason to hold onto each other – Couples in marriages that celebrate 50+ years are not magicians; their marriage is not devoid of troubles or misunderstandings; they only resolve to hold onto each other and weather the storm together. Your spouse is not perfect, neither are you! Therefore, find one reason to keep hold of your spouse. There must be no reason to love your spouse: Paulo Coelho quotes it best “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving”.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving – Paulo Coelho”

My prayer and heart desire are for the truth of God to permeate every husband, wife, and marriage. You shall know the truth, and it will set you free. Many homes, families and unions have been destroyed by believing the enemy’s lies originating from evil cultural traditions and entrenchment. I pray the wind of change, illuminating light of God will seep into every darkness and bring joy, peace, and long-lasting marriages. 

A good and lasting marriage is a solid foundation for Godly children and society.

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5 Unusual but Effective Tips on How to Honour and Respect your Husband

Once in a while, we wonder how and why human relationships seem complex and different? I heard a story recently of a man who was unhappy with his wife and felt the wife did not respect him because she did not serve his food in a particular way. He felt disrespected and humiliated rather than honoured as a husband. Oh, there was a lot of disapproval and criticism of the wife’s action, and some people even advised the man to send the wife back to her parents for lack of home training. Ironically so many others and even some men commented and were not bothered if they get served with trays, gold dishes, best cutlery etc.

What a man considered an honour, respect, or lack of it might not necessarily mean the same for another man

Reading the various comments got me thinking why what a man considered an honour, respect, or lack of it might not necessarily mean the same for another man. It is now left to the woman to find out and define what her husband may consider as respect, honour, or lack of it. That is why offering advice on how to do marriage can be a challenge, as what works for me may not necessarily work for you. So many factors contribute to giving and receiving the honour, respect, or lack thereof. Today, my suggestions are based on the scriptural references and what we could consider foundational or universally agreed-on forms of honour. It would not be absolute for everyone, but I can assure you that it will help us be better wives to our husbands.

Men love honour and respect; tell me if anyone does not want to be appreciated, praised or held in high esteem and adored!

Men love honour and respect; tell me if anyone does not want to be appreciated, praised, or held in high esteem and adored! Every man deserves respect and recognition but not every man understands the responsibility or have the capability and behaviours that produce honour, respect and adoration. That is why as women, we must teach ourselves, encourage, and intentionally honour and respect our husbands even when they fall short of behaviours that would naturally aid us in applauding them. 

Below are five tips:

  1. Do regard your husband as the head of your family – the Lord has bestowed headship on the man from the beginning, and that is not contestable if we are in a Godly marriage. The head of an organisation is responsible for the success and failure of that entity, but in marriage, success and failure are often left to women. Sometimes, we may get carried away trying to make the marriage work and usurp power that causes great dishonour to our heads.
  1. Do shower your husband with praises – compliments work magic on anyone; even in the bible, we hear David referred to as the man after God’s heart; why? Because David knew how to praise God. Even when he complained or asked God to punish him, he still found a space to worship and praise God. Consequently, when he errs, God forgives him and rebuked his enemies. It is effortless to criticise, but we must learn to honour and applaud our husbands for the things they do and sometimes do not do. I am learning and checking. Have I been praised ten times before I raised my one complaint? Let us know to praise and the thankful in all situations.
  1. Do refrain from correction but gently advise if he is in error – this one goes against our nature as women because we are naturally able to nurture and correct. As women, we raised our children, both boys and girls alike, so it can be a little challenging for us to refrain from correcting our husbands. On the other hand, men are used to their mum correcting them; now that they are married, they don’t want another woman fixing them, some of them are happy they escaped from the criticism of their mothers only to get it from their wives. Do you understand why men do not like to receive criticism from their wives?
  1. Make him your number one go-to adviser – I am not sure if this applies to all men. Still, I have found out that some men love to be regarded as the wisest, so seeking advice and letting your husband know you need him more than anyone else, especially another male mentor, can be a plus. Secretly our husbands want to be our best mentors, but sometimes some of them fall short and do not know how to measure up or mentor us.
  1. Be so proud of your husband and let the world know he is the best husband ever – “My husband is the best husband ever” is a phrase every husband would love to hear, especially if said behind their back, and then they get to hear about it. It makes them feel honoured, adored and proud. It is easy to say you are the best when indeed you are the best, but not so easy when we have to say that statement by faith calling those things that be not as though they are. However, someone’s definition of best is again subjective.

“My husband is the best husband ever” how about you? Would you make this your slogan from now on?

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Why should we have regular training on how to do marriage?

I have left university now, It’s been some decades, and I have not stopped learning and getting trained to get better at doing my job. I have realised organisations and people who want to become better and do great things invest time, money and other resources into training and implementing new ideas. If you are not improving yourself, you will stagnate as other people are improving their lives. I often wonder why this attitude is not translated into our marital relationships. Some couples have no interest in getting marital education and training before starting the journey. Many who had premarital counselling stop attending marital training as soon as they are married because they believe they know what to do. 

Many who had premarital counselling stop attending marital training…

Many marriages in trouble today will benefit from training and ongoing support. The best leaders have mentors and regularly update their knowledge, skills and build new attitudes. For example, previous management principles were centred around hierarchy, carrot and stick or transactional methods in our corporate work circle. Progressive organisations have moved over to transformational and more horizontal leadership because they have realised, creativity, loyalty and productivity can be enhanced when you empower employees and motivate them to take responsibility for their performance. This movement results from years of innovation, adoption of new ideas and training managers and leaders. I want to believe the state of our marriages demand training for everyone considering entering the institution. 

The best leaders have mentors and regularly update their knowledge, skills and build new attitudes.

In one of his messages, Dr Myles Munroe said that if anyone wants to be married in their church, they are required to undergo a nine-month marriage course. The idea of nine-month-long training puts many couples off, especially those who just wanted a celebrity wedding, and when they get to the nitty-gritty of what marriage entails, they back out. Those who tried to commit to having a good marriage stayed the course and consequently went on to have a fruitful marriage.

The SYMBIS emphasises another way to corroborate the need for marital education (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) premarital assessment by Dr Les & Leslie Parrott. The SYMBIS assessment taken by over one million couples was administered by SYMBIS assessment facilitators; research reveals that taking the SYMBIS reduces the divorce rate by 31%. That is saving every one in three marriages from ending in divorce.  

I am afraid; many people have the wrong attitude towards marriage.

People’s ideology and mindset towards marriage significantly affect the outcome of their relationship, and I am afraid; many people have the wrong attitude towards marriage. For some people, getting into marriage means halving their responsibilities and being served by their spouse. Some even feel they will have more freedom and so want to quickly leave their parents’ house to have a life of freedom. However, when they get married, they often realise they still need to be accountable to their spouse, pay bills and serve their spouse.  

I wonder if you realise that “to marry means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties”? A quote by Arthur Schopenhauer.

Most successful marriages result from two people who decide to work together to have a beautiful relationship. How are you training yourself to have the right mindset about marriage and your spouse?

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Love is an action word and doing word: for matured minds only.

Have you been in love?  When we were young, our parents described the moment they set their eyes on newborn babies, how in an instant, a strong affection develops for this little being. Even though a newborn child can cause sleepless nights, parents usually don’t stop caring and developing a strong bond with their children under normal circumstances; of course, there are exceptional cases that this does not occur. Loving a newborn is the picture of what loving unconditionally means; many couples love with conditions yet vow to love for better for worse, richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health. 

I often wonder how lightly married couples take their marital vows. Vows are powerful, and the Bible clarifies that it is better not to vow than to swear and not fulfil it. Many people suffer the consequences of breaking their oaths and blaming the devil or each other. Malachi 2 is a chapter in the bible many couples do not understanding, hence they are facing God’s righteous justice. You both vow to honour, cherish and love each other but as soon as cracks begin to surface, love becomes conditional.

Vows are powerful, and the Bible clarifies that it is better not to vow than to vow and not fulfil it.

Love is an action word and a doing word; it is a form of feeling yet much more than a feeling that comes and goes like the wind. I want to call you to a higher level of love, especially if you are in Christ. Love means you die to your selfish self and give yourself away to your spouse. You cannot give yourself away in love without being vulnerable, kind, compassionate and humble. Love gives a part of you without expecting a return the same way you have given it. Love is a buried seed; the plant seeds had to die to feed the new shoots, which then brings forth fruits. Some people want the fruit of love, which is admiration, elevation and glorification, just like our Lord Jesus, yet they want to skip the part of vulnerability, to serve and lay down their pride. 

I want to call you to a higher level of love, especially if you are in Christ

As a mother, I understand loving a child no matter the current situation, and I will always love and accept my children for who they are, not what they do. We are God’s children because He created us, and many that come to receive His grace are called the sons of God. Are you only able to love your spouse when they do as you say?  Love based on feelings dies and grow cold, but love based on conviction continue to wax stronger and stronger each day. It does not depend on the conditions around but a belief that we are one body, you are mine, and I am yours; when couples reach this level of love, they have hit the “sweet spot” in their marriage. 

Love based on feelings dies and grow cold, but love based on conviction continue to wax stronger

If you are still falling in and out of love quickly, you are yet to reach a level of maturity that helps you eat the fruit of unconditional love in your marriage. I pray couples will understand the depth and type of love (agape love) required for a beautiful marriage. Sexual love, obedience, love and infatuation are levels of love, and couples will go through these phases, but the ability to grow and develop unconditional love is critical to bliss. If one has not experienced and understood the unconditional love of God, how can one know and give this type of love? 

I pray you will come to accept Gods unconditional love and be filled with His love so you can love your neighbour – your spouse is your closest neighbour; why not start from there.

Great marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth. 

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5 Soft Skills & Behaviours That Make You The Best Spouse Ever.

Recently I have written about having soft skills in marriage and why it is essential that as a spouse, we do skills audits and check that we have and are developing the right sets of skills that will help us to be the best spouse ever. Many married partner dreams and yearn to be called the “best husband or best wife ever”, but they are not doing the things that will present them as such a person. Some behaviours qualify us as the best and excellent, yet so many people have behaviours and characters that show them as short of being the best.

Many married partner dreams and yearn to be called the “best husband or best wife ever”

Everybody will call a kind, gracious and loving spouse the best, but a mean, angry and unkind soul wants or desires to be liked and celebrated, yet the fragrance around them repels their partner. They become more irritable and farther away from what they desire. I can assure you that every spouse can be the best as long as we are keen to have and work on giving each other the best of each other. A behaviour change comes with acknowledging and looking at oneself first. If it was an easy task, I know many people would be the best husband or wife today; it is easier to spot the flaws in others than to see ourselves and own up to our shortcomings. 

It is easier to spot the flaws in others than to see ourselves and own up to our shortcomings

Many people who quickly see other people’s weaknesses are full of deficiencies that they often project unto others. They assess and judge other people through their broken lens hence their inability to look past their mistakes and be gracious to them. God word reveals His attributes in Exodus 34: 6-7 Compassion, Grace, Patience – (slow to anger), Loyal love and Faithfulness.

These are good behaviours that an admirable spouse will possess, develop and continue to nurture to become the best version of themselves and, out of that abundance in them, will overflow unto others. 

Let us take a mirror and look at ourselves in the following five questions if we can.

Compassion: Are you a compassionate spouse?

Gracious: Are you generous in how you deal with your partner?

Patience: (slow to anger) – Are you an angry spouse or a patient spouse?

Loyal love: Are you loving simply when things are good and going your way or loving for better for worse as you vowed?

Faithfulness: Are you steady, committed and faithful to your spouse?

A pure self-reflection of our behaviours as a stand-alone and the desire to be a better person will allow you and me to answer the above questions truthfully and commit to making changes. 

Not for your spouse’s sake but for yourself, and as you begin to renew your mind, you will emerge a better person and soon reflect on others around you as a better husband, wife, parent, friend, etc.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Don’t expect me to make you happy: Happiness comes from within you

I love the purple colour, and if I were living in fairy-tale land, I would probably live in a purple-coloured house, and all my clothes and accessories would have a hint of purple. It is a colour that makes me happy, yet I have met people who cannot withstand excessive purple. What makes me happy is different and will always be different from what makes you happy. Some people are so glad when others are happy, and others are so glad when others are sad. However, that’s edging towards a dark personality. The happiness index varies from place to place and people to people. 

What makes me happy is different and will always be different from what makes you happy.

So, when two people come together in marriage, and one person is waiting on the other person to make them feel happy, it is a recipe for disappointment, especially if they cannot articulate what makes them happy. I have noticed that happy people are happy no matter what may be going on around them. Their source of joy and happiness is found deep within their core. Some people who rely on external or environmental factors to feel happy are often hollow on the inside, so they have no substance to withstand any negative perception from the outside.

Please permit yourself to be happy; your happiness is found deep within you.

Would you check the source of your happiness and joy today? Are you relying on other people, your spouse or things to make you feel good?  You alone are responsible for your happiness level, and it is out of the abundance of joy you have in you that you can spill over to others. Hence, if you are spewing lava like a volcano, lava does not come from an external source; the lava is coming from the deep belly of the volcano. It is not comfortable for us to always look within and take responsibility for how we feel. Please permit yourself to be happy; your happiness is found deep within you. No external factor can diminish your joy if you do not allow negativity or evil thoughts to get inside of you. 

It is not comfortable for us to always look within and take responsibility for how we feel.

Nelson Mandela is a perfect example of a person who knows their intrinsic value; even though he was tortured, humiliated, and imprisoned, it never got to his core. He was so sure of who he was that he was unable to resent his prisoners even after his release. There is no room in his heart for negativity or hatred. He was completely full of joy and positivity that it drowned out any external negative influence. So why am I sharing this to you as a married spouse or soon to be?

What you carry inside you is what you will spew out when a force or pressure is placed on you.

What you carry inside you is what you will spew out when a force or pressure is placed on you. Resist and do not be tempted to focus on external pressure in your marriage; it will happen and how you respond reveals your inner beauty or not so beautiful part of you. I want you to focus on filling your heart with goodness, sweetness, and grace so that when you are under pressure, instead of buckling and spewing out rubbish, you will be dripping with dignity and honour.

I am very sorry if I have bust your bubble that marriage will make you happy. My wife or husband will make me happy on the inside because of the way they treat me. Oh no, you may be setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Marriage expectation is different from reality only if your expectation was not balanced about marriage in the first instance.

I hope you can begin to look at the content of your core being and your reactions to external forces; how matching are they now?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23  

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Seven common behaviours sabotaging your marriage relationships

Many people are aware of behaviours that jeopardise relationships and are keen to avoid those behaviours when it comes to professional life and friendship outside of marriage. For some strange reason, people are very comfortable with behaviours that damage relationships within marriage. If you have been following my blog, you will realise that I often use illustrations around how organisations work and relate that to success within our marriages. 

If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home?

I am often perplexed when I see harmful behaviours amongst professionals and some who are not professionals, especially regarding how they relate to their spouses. I have seen spouses who have female bosses respect and speak to them kindly at work, and when they get home, they have no iota of respect for their partners. They shout, scream, and throw tantrums such that we wonder how they can speak calmly with other colleagues at work. I want to believe familiarity breeds contempt, but many people are aware of the consequences of contempt of the law in court or at work; hence they can moderate their behaviours in those places, even under intense interrogation.

Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now!

Many partners have male bosses and can accommodate and work with them to achieve targets, yet at home, their spouse may consider them as having no clue how to make decisions and unable to get along making decisions. I often ask myself and my husband these questions: If people can get along and work with difficult people in places of work, what stops them from continuing with those good behaviours at home? Every couple who desires a solid and beautiful relationship must become aware of these behaviours and stop doing them now. 

However, as easy as that may sound, many people cannot break these habits because they are rooted in issues more profound than just the surface reaction. The truth is most of these behaviours in marriage stems from fear, self-esteem issue and vulnerability, which separate marriage from other relationships. 

Having read so many books and listened to other experts speak on this topic, I can summarise the common seven behaviours that couples have which sabotage their relationships as:

  1. Lack of respect for each other.
  2. Speaking harshly, screaming, and shouting at your spouse.
  3. Taking each other’s needs for granted.
  4. Holding grudges, keeping malice, inability to sit down and talk the issue through.
  5. Refusing food, sex, and activities you usually do together as a couple.
  6. Creating division, separation, and resentment due to misunderstandings.
  7. Overly critical of each other and inability to forgive and move on with life.

No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other…

These are seven behaviours of many that people may or may not be aware of, consciously or unconsciously do in their marriage that is self-sabotaging. Whether at work level, friendship level, parent/child or husband and wife, every relationship requires intentionality to sustain and grow that bond. Some people would put effort into parent/child or friendship with colleagues, church members, and neighbours but starve their marriage relationship, expecting it to happen because they are married. They stop dating and courting themselves, yet, they are hoping to have a magnificent relationship. 

When problems arise, rather than fixing the relationship, they will spend time with friends, neighbours, and work colleagues to escape misery. Some will bury their heads into work to avoid repairing or working on their marriage. No marriage will work if couples don’t put effort into nurturing their relationship, respecting each other, and weed out bad habits. At the centre of every successful and happy marriage are couples who consciously stay positive, act, and improve their relationships. 

Let’s reflect on a couple of questions below:

If you are in a relationship that is not happy, what are you doing to nurture your friendship with your spouse? 

What are you expecting from your marriage relationship, and what are your contributions to making that happen? 

If you do not plan to succeed, you have prepared to fail, and this phrase is a common cliché in motivational talks; but it applies in marriage.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven, they are heaven made on earth.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here