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7 powerful marriage posts every couple, singles should read

I have been running this blog for a while now evangelising marriage education as I’m inspired. Here in today’s blog post, I have selected seven powerful blog posts on this blog that every couple should read.

These blog posts have also blessed me personally and my marriage.

How to achieve unity and harmony in your marriage

Marriage is a union of two individuals with different values, idea, likes and dislikes. Apart from physical differences in the built of a man and woman, emotionally men and women are poles apart. Yet God created them male and female and commanded them to be fruitful and dominate the earth together.

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How to be a loving husband to your wife

I have often come across and spoken to men who want to love their wives and cherish them but do not understand what they are doing wrong, even though they are doing their best. I have realised that their actions may not convey the very message of love they are trying to pass on to their wives. The way we receive love is the natural and more comfortable approach; we often want to reciprocate that love. It can become difficult and frustrating for a man trying to show his wife love but doing so the manner he understands. For example, showing a man love can mean giving him space to be alone for some time when he feels being sucked in or choked by life. Yet a man trying to show love to his wife by staying away when she is in deep distress may have just shot himself in the foot.

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How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

In the bible, two primary laws underpin marriage success. Husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands. Love and respect go hand in hand; it is like a chicken before the egg or egg before the chicken. Whenever a husband genuinely and unconditionally loves his wife, I am pretty sure the wife will adore and much honour her husband. A wife full of adoration and honour for her husband will make him behave more lovingly towards his wife. These two acts go on to influence each other. However, where the issue has been for marriages in turmoil is when one partner is waiting to do their share because the other partner is not doing their role. People tend to pin the kick start of the relationship on the woman. Women are the ones that build the home and control the marriage’s atmosphere many cultures believe. 

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10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Ignore Your Marriage

Marriage can build or destroy the couple involved. I want you to note the ten reasons below, especially if you are a Christian and even if you are not a Christian, they will help you find peace and joy in your marriage.

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Trust Me – two powerful words that can make or break your marriage

A husband will thrive and do well when his wife trusts him completely and allow him to be the man he wants to be. A wife will be happy when her husband trusts her and accept word spoken as they are without any hint of doubt or mistrust. Men do not want to have a feeling of inadequacy and the moment a wife does not trust or have full confidence in her partner’s ability to provide, care or make a decision, the level of trust invested diminishes. To trust someone means you can rely on them, you have full confidence in their abilities, character, and integrity. Trust is gained by being tested, saying these two-word ‘TRUST ME’ will not suddenly make someone to trust you. Trust is won and bestowed when tested.

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How to find BLISS in your marriage if you desire it.

Blissful, joyful, and peaceful marriage are the desires of most couples when starting a marriage. Still, it soon looks like an unrealistic, unachievable, and elusive goal because it is not easily accomplished, nor is it the reality of many married couples.

Marriage is a long conversation checkered by arguments, every couple will argue about so many things, and they may agree or disagree at many levels. Some people assume happy couples don’t argue or fight, and the teams that often argue or fight are unhappy. The reality is that what couples do before, during and after arguments and fights determines whether they are happy or not. A healthy marriage will have many fights, but they are called good fights. It is an environment where both spouses are free to express their opinion while caring for one another.

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FAT (FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE, TOLERANCE) PRINCIPLES OF MARRIAGE (PART 1, 2, 3)

Marriage is the university of all offence, do not marry if you cannot forgive. Lifeworks on principles and you cannot be breaking principles and claiming blessings. Many marriages are in trouble because of a lack of application of principles. If you are going into marriage, be ready to forgive and accept forgiveness. A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers.

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How to find BLISS in your marriage if you desire it.

Blissful, joyful, and peaceful marriage are the desires of most couples when starting a marriage. Still, it soon looks like an unrealistic, unachievable, and elusive goal because it is not easily accomplished, nor is it the reality of many married couples.

Marriage is a long conversation checkered by arguments, every couple will argue about so many things, and they may agree or disagree at many levels. Some people assume happy couples don’t argue or fight, and the teams that often argue or fight are unhappy. The reality is that what couples do before, during and after arguments and fights determines whether they are happy or not. A healthy marriage will have many fights, but they are called good fights. It is an environment where both spouses are free to express their opinion while caring for one another.

A healthy marriage will have many fights, but they are called good fights.

Bliss means happiness, enjoyment, thrill, cheerfulness, gladness, contentment, and delight. These are things money cannot buy; it is a decision and attitude that someone puts on even amid an unpleasant situation.

A blissful marriage is like paradise and heaven on earth, but it does not mean the marriage is free of trouble and fights. When couples go to war, they certainly will not have peace or bliss. Some couples fight each other and forget they are on the same side fighting the exact cause, but instead, they turn towards each other to row like an enemy. Couples who know how to fight and still are friends find bliss in their marriage.

Suggested Read: Who would you consider your spouse to be: a friend, soulmate or housemate?

To have a blissful marriage requires you to want and desire it first. It is a goal that every couple must set and review every time. If it is a goal, couples must ask themselves these questions to monitor and evaluate their relationship.

1.We may have arguments but are we still together?

2. Are we still caring for each other?

3. Are we content with who we have married?

4. Do we have hatred and animosity towards each other?

Couples who know how to fight and still are friends find bliss in their marriage.

These are a few questions that can help couples realign their marriage goals, but sadly, many couples do not plan for these things. We assume love covers all, happiness will fall in place, and the relationship will be deepening. Unfortunately, we have seen many couples who were madly in love go their separate ways; if only love could sustain a marriage, that should never happen.

We must deliberately seek peace and pursue it, the bible tells us; we cannot leave it to chance. Many marriages are suffering because couples are letting things happen to them rather than make things happen. We cannot continue to do the same thing and expect the same result. Many marriages thriving today have either passed through adversity, fought the good fight, and found respecting each other and putting plans in place to safeguard their marriages and ensure it worked. Many marriage authors have shared their experiences of overcoming adversities and then deciding to honour their marriage and spouse and have a strong marriage. For some people, they were on the threshold of divorce, yet they were able to restore their marriage; why? They decided to build and work to have a happy marriage.

Many marriages are suffering because couples are letting things happen to them rather than make things happen.

You can also read: What are you fighting for in your marriage? Are you fighting a good or bad fight?

To find bliss must be a conscious decision; it requires knowledge, skills and wisdom to navigate the troubled waters of a marital voyage. The sea of marriage is vast and wide, and the navigation and compass are unique to the couples. The storms will arise on the sea; surviving the storm depends on the pair and how prepared they are to shelter and patiently wait for the storm to be over. After the hurricane comes a bright sky, tranquil sea and paradise. What would you do when a storm arises in your marriage? Are you prepared to handle with care your spouse? 

Are you prepared to handle with care your spouse?

Do you have the tools to solve conflict without hurting each other? We can help you, and your spouse understand the pressure points in your marriage by bringing them to your consciousness, equipping you with the tools and skills you need to achieve a successful marriage when you take the SYMBIS ASSESSMENT. We can help you, and your spouse unpack the results and work through your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats to your relationship. Every successful organisation does a SWOT analysis, and it should be no different when it comes to building a successful marital relationship. Contact us using the form below, and we will help you get your assessment set up. Over one million couples have taken the quiz and enjoying their relationships.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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One most common reason for the lack of understanding between couples in a marriage relationship

I have discovered that the primary reason for the lack of understanding between couples in a marriage relationship is spouses do not value each other in many ways.

 My children and I would disagree with or clash when they want to watch a television programme that I have no interest in or do not enjoy as they do. My children love to watch animes, superheroes like avengers, and then the other kinds of stuff teenagers appreciate. Often, I wonder why they love to follow those types of programmes. On the other hand, I love to view foreign-language movies with cultural references and clothing; my children and hubby would not join me. They tolerate and allow me to see them, but none of them would sit with me. There was a time my daughter felt something and said, mummy, I wouldn’t say I like watching this film, but I will keep you company. It shows she may not like what I fancy, but she is willing to go along with me for love sake; it brings me to the idea of value. To esteem what someone else values may be easy when it sits within what we like or can accommodate; on the other hand, appreciating what is not a priority or significance requires understanding, love and commitment.

To esteem what someone else values may be easy when it sits within what we like or can accommodate.

As Husband and wife, most of us have been raised in two different environments and have standards instil in us by our parents and culture. We learnt those values and culture, whether spoken or unspoken, in the environment, we grew up. Most of the time, culture develops over time, and they are unspoken or unwritten rules that people observe and respect in that environment. It can be challenging for a newcomer to an environment because they will not be aware of the culture and unspoken rules that exist; people will frown when they break those rules, which often we don’t communicate in the first instance. It can take years or multiple errors and consequences before someone realises or learn those unspoken rules.

It can take years or multiple errors and consequences before someone realises or learn those unspoken rules.

It is a shame that this is one of the great contributors to stress and misunderstandings in marriage relationships. What we don’t know is called ignorance, and ignorance is not bliss. Becoming aware of the factors that make marriage hard work can significantly enhance the journey to merge the two individuals into one. When a couple realises and appreciates their spouse preferences, even though they may not believe or like it, they will accord the respect, space, and reverence that will communicate love and understanding to the other spouse. However, most partners unknowingly tread and disrespect their spouse’s constructs, norms, and culture, which causes significant friction between them. The most bizarre thing is that even the spouse that is hurt cannot articulate or put into words why they are hurting because, as said earlier, these are unspoken rules or ideals that they hold and not realise until someone breaks that rule.

These are unspoken rules or ideals that they hold and not realise until someone breaks that rule.

For example, I grew up in a home where you can serve yourself meat or fish and take whatever is ok for you as long as you are not greedy. When the pot of soup finishes, we get on and make another one, no investigation or query. However, I have friends who cannot go in and merely take whatever they want from the pot of stew without permission. They are required to ask and get permission before taking out a piece or two. In this home, I went to spend a few days of my holiday, and as I was not aware, I went in to take a piece of meat for my lunch without request or permission, and I indeed got into trouble. When I got into this house, no one told me, you are not allowed to serve yourself unless you take permission. It is a rule but an unwritten and unspoken one. You only get to be aware of it when you break the law. For example, if I had not served myself lunch, I’d probably not be aware, and if I didn’t stay long enough, I wouldn’t have been in trouble.

So getting this awareness of unspoken rules, unconscious bias and not recognising what someone else value can begin to bring to the surface reasons we resent and unhappy with our spouse when they act in specific ways that may be opposite to what we are doing. To understand is first to accept that our ways are not the only proper way to do certain things. Let us look at one area of conflict common in marriages, money spending habit. People whose parents are savers may have the culture and ability to save and be frugal. These people may see someone who spends as irresponsible and wasteful. Meanwhile, people whose parents are spenders may resent a saver and see them as thrifty, stingy and nasty to someone who spends.

To understand is first to accept that our ways are not the only proper way to do certain things.

However, money is for spending wisely to meet our needs; there must be a balance between spending and saving for a rainy day. If one partner concentrates on keeping money and denies the other of meeting their immediate need, and the other spends all they have and leaves nothing in the savings, then, of course, no one is right in this situation. It takes understanding and the ability to accept that no one way is utterly right except when it fails morality.

I want to help you and your partner understand some of the unspoken rules, biases and beliefs that may plague your marriage if you plan to get married soon. The earlier you know these pressure points, the better you are equipped to deal with them and set up a new culture in your marriage that suit both of you.

If you are already married and locked in conflicts that seem to have no headway, I can help you find harmony, dig out what you may not be aware of, unconscious bias, unspoken rules, and norms that may be causing a collision between you and your spouse.

You will be surprised at what we can uncover and when you discuss these issues. It requires that you and your spouse are humble enough to accept your way is not better than someone else’s, and you are willing to value what your spouse values; you will realise that understating will bring bliss and longevity to your marriage.

As a certified SYMBIS assessment facilitator, I invite you to take the pre-marriage assessment if you are single or engaged to be married soon or the SYMBIS+ Assessment if you are married. I will help you unpack the result and point out areas of strengths, weakness, opportunity and threats (SWOT) in your marriage. Every successful business conducts SWOT analysis in other to continue to grow. Please send me a message below, and I will arrange for you to take the assessment as soon as possible.

Would you let me know if you are blessed, by liking the post, share and comment?

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Why your marriage is unique and unrivalled?

I am sure you have heard countless stories of identical twins who look the same physically yet different in personality and character. My sister and I look so much alike that our friends often mistake us for each other. I can see many differences between myself and my sister, and I still get excited when I meet someone face to face or on my social media profile. They immediately can recognise I have a sister that looks like me. Even though people may look alike, they are never the same; everyone is unique. The bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Therefore, there can never be another you; even our fingerprint confirms this.

Therefore, there can never be another you; even our fingerprint confirms this.

Consequently, when two people come together in holy matrimony, their marriage is unique. The behaviours and personality are universal to the populace, but the specific way they interact is unique to each couple. We cannot compare our marriage to another person; neither should we compare our spouse. If you evaluate your marriage based on someone else, you are setting yourself up to become vain or bitter., for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

“If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” Max Ehrmann

We must understand that when two couples put under the same pressure are tested, their reaction may be predictable, but their response will be specific. For example, my husband does not make a fuss about food; he will gladly eat whatever is available and hardly make a special request for a particular meal or delicacy. On the other hand, I have friends whose husbands care a lot about food. Their meals must be freshly prepared or not acceptable. In my culture, women should know, food is the way to a man’s heart.  So, wives are encouraged to prepare their husbands’ favourite delicacy when they are upset, and indeed, they will be happy with this gesture. Can you guess the reaction I might get if, when, I am trying to soothe my husband and cook a lovely meal? What works in family A and it’s a big deal may not work in family B. 

What works in family A and it’s a big deal may not work in family B. 

For example, there are many ways wives can apologise and pacify their husbands. For some, it is sex; ensure you find a way to seduce him, and having good make up sex will comfort him.  Yet, for others, it is a sincere apology required for the matter to over. Yet, for another couple, they may not have found what I call the pacify button! Nothing works until the full vengeance is exacted out on each other. Therefore, offering any advice or applying what works in your marriage to another may not yield the same result. So my point is, to comfort one’s spouse is excellent and general; how you soothe your spouse should be specific and unique to your marriage. There has not been a marriage like yours, and there never will be another marriage like yours.

There has not been a marriage like yours, and there never will be another marriage like yours.

Common mistakes couples make are comparing and judging another marriage or spouse based on what they hear or see from another home. There are so many dynamics going on between the two people in a marriage. When two people in a relationship separate and marry someone else, they will never and can never reproduce the same dynamics as the previous marriage. Marriage studies have shown that second and third marriages’ divorce rate is even higher than first marriages. Ordinarily, our assumptions would have been that if someone has been through a divorce, they would not desire to repeat their mistakes and do their best to ensure the new marriage is better. However, this is not the case given the higher divorce rates of second and third marriages. A couple’s uniqueness will determine the relationship dynamics. 

A couple’s uniqueness will determine the relationship dynamics.

The habits that one spouse may find a tick, maybe a stroll in the park for another. A spouse may be so forgiving on many levels and just one spot they are hung unto and cannot look past that. So, couples must recognise universal values, personalities and behaviours, and moral ethics that are general yet very specific when two of those come together in marriage. They will interact and pan out when people meet in a relationship with collision or absorption.

So, recognising the uniqueness you and your spouse bring to the table is vital; accepting and having a goal to produce a pleasing dynamic is what brings stability, joy and longevity to any relationship.

Unfortunately, many people sometimes believe that if they can be with someone else who has the character that may be lacking in their spouse, they will have a perfect union. That is why some people leave their marriage to marry a friend they have had a good relationship with for years, and once married, they become enemies. It is easier to love from afar because we cannot experience the constant daily dynamic in any other relationship than in a marriage.

To enjoy your marriage is to recognise that you and your spouse are unique, study your personalities, do a SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity and Threats) analysis and work together to create the environment you both desire.

Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Who would you consider your spouse to be: a friend, soulmate or housemate?

Gone are the days when we consider our friends as only those chosen few people we meet regularly, know each other inside out and possibly spend years building and nurturing our friendship. Nowadays, there are different kinds of friends, friends on social platforms, fans and social group families. Some people have loyal followers and feel connected strongly because of their interactions and years of online association. Hence there are different levels of friendship, and we should all have friends, whether online or those we meet physically because having friends bring meaning to our relationships and life. Marriage is the highest form of friendship. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “It is not the absence of love, but the absence of friendship that makes marriages unhappy.”

It is not the absence of love, but the absence of friendship that makes marriages unhappy.

So why do married couples fail at becoming friends and moving onto becoming soulmates? I would have thought the desire between a husband and wife should be to work at becoming soul mates because, indeed, that is marriage. The union of two hearts into one is marriage. If I ask you the question today, do you consider your spouse as a friend, soulmate, or housemate, what will your answer be? If you are honest with yourself, assess your marriage situation, and relationship between you and your spouse? We develop and nurture friendship over many platforms and for several years generally in life. The level of communication and openness affect the quality of the relationships we form. 

 So, what do friends do? Friends look out for each other; they help each other, support, and cheer for each other. 

Friends look out for each other; they help each other, support, and cheer for each other.

Good friends are loyal and accept us for who we are. My best friends know I can come to them anytime without the feeling of shame, ridicule, of judgment, no matter how terrible what I have done may look or sound. I know my inner caucus I can bare my all, and all they will do is find a solution and help me get out of any predicament I find myself. My husband, on the other, should be my soulmate, why? Because we are connected not only by physical intimacy but on a soulish level, and this should be the highest form of relationship that married couples should have. We should be able to confidently say my husband or my wife is my soulmate because we can see into each other and no part of us is hidden from each other. As married couples we ought to have physical connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection.

As married couples we ought to have physical connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection.

When these connections are missing or underdeveloped in any marriage relationship, it grows shallow instead of deeper and energies, attraction, and other passion flows to where we invest our friendship. The bond of friendship becomes more potent when we do what friends do. What do friends do, you may ask? One of the characteristics of friendship is time and commitment. Good friends spend quality time together. How much time in your daily schedule do you give to your spouse? Do you protect your time with your spouse, or do you share what is left after you have everyone else but your wife or husband? When couples do not preserve and understand the value of spending quality and meaningful time together, their friendship wanes bit by bit. No wonder things seem to change suddenly, and we wonder how it happened. Those daily unhealthy habits that compound and become a big gap between couples that do not spend time together to develop their friendship.

Good friends spend quality time together

A friendship develops when there is dignity in a relationship. I have not seen friends who vilify, ridicule, refuse to help or disgrace tier friends openly. Friends protect each other’s honour. True friends will let you know in private you messed up big time, there is no cover-up, and they will let you know if you are doing a wrong thing. However, they aim to correct you, help you, and support you as many times as possible to bring you out of any horrible situation and restore your honour. Oh, if husbands and wives can dignify each other, especially when they are not in agreement, in conflict or in misunderstandings. Remember, your spouse is one with you, your shame is their shame, your ridicule is their ridicule, and because of these, when couples engage in a nasty fight, they are unable to reconcile because of the damage done to themselves. Divorce sets in; they want to be separated from the other and would not want to associate with a person they have so shamed or ridicule.

Some couples are just housemates; they live together, sleep together and hook up for sex but have no depth of love or affection for each other.

Some couples are just housemates; they live together, sleep together and hook up for sex but have no depth of love or affection for each other. These types of couples are missing out on what it means to be married. They have resolved to live as a couple but not connected at the soulish level. What a pity, a waste, and a tragedy when the real benefits of becoming soulmates are missing in a marriage relationship.

Jesus, our model, shows us how to be one with our spouse. He said, if you have seen me, you have seen my father. My father and I are one; I am in my father and do what my father does. This is the level of intimacy that should be the goal and objectives of couples. When you become soulmates, deep friends and spiritually connected, you can say confidently; there is no storm we cannot ride together. 

7 Sign you may not be your partner’s soulmate yet.

  1. There is no public affection or display of love, 
  2. There is no confession of love.
  3. There is no sexual attraction.
  4. There is secrecy in your relationship.
  5. Some wounds never heal – unforgiveness. 
  6. There is an argumentative spirit.
  7. And they do not want to resolve differences. 

If anyone or more of these are present in your marriage, you can turn things around by working on becoming good friends. Do what friends do, spend time together, protect each other’s dignity, support each other’s and be your spouses best cheerleader. When there is a need to correct, do it as friends do, constructive criticism. Good friends don’t hold grudges; they forgive and never let arguments fester. How easily we achieve this with other friends than our spouse? It is because sometimes, we do not consider our spouse as friends. Please do not unfriend your spouse just because you are married, and if you do, you will soon become housemates. As couples, my hope and prayer are that you will value your spouse as a friend and move on to become soulmates and not housemates.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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What are you fighting for in your marriage? Are you fighting a good or bad fight?

Conflict, disagreement, and fights are inevitable, endemic, and typical in any healthy and growing marriage relationship. I once heard of a story told by one marriage counsellor; the first question they ask couples in a conference that they hold is: How many couples here have arguments and fight with each other? They said nearly all the couples would raise their hands. The counsellors then ask couples who raised their hands to look around and see those who kept their hands down. They then ask another question. Please, what do we call couples who say they do not fight? And unanimously, those raising their hands say, liars. 

Please, what do we call couples who say they do not fight? And unanimously, those raising their hands say, liars.

Yes, any married couple who confesses they do not argue or have fought in their marriage try to redefine fights and deceive each other with no deep relationship. Or they are lying, and the latter is more likely to be the truth. Coming into marriage, I had the idea of a beautiful and happy marriage, but I knew I would have to fight, but my sole aim and goal, if I must fight, was to make my marriage better. There are good fights and nasty fights in a marriage. A good conflict in a marriage causes the husband and wife to grow and become intimate, while a harmful fight cause division and separation. Therefore, we must correct the notion that couples who love each other may not have to fight. Oh yes, if you love each other, you will fight but how you fight and what you fight about is what makes the difference between growing or gripping. 

Suggested Read: 10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Ignore Your Marriage

A good conflict in a marriage causes the husband and wife to grow and become intimate.

I remember when I felt I was becoming a nagging wife, always trying to get my message across to my husband and when that is not clear, it results in arguments and quarrels. I wanted a peaceful home, so I decided not to react and just take everything to keep the peace. After all, a wise woman keeps her family and a foolish one tears it down with her hands. With this scripture in my mind, I wanted to be a wise woman and keep the peace in my home. For years I did not realise all those little arguments and fights I could have had may have cleared issues, but I decided to keep them below and keep peace in my home. However, resentment was building up behind the scenes without me knowing, only to realise this man that I much adore I now find irritating and unwanted. I began to feel like I was walking on an eggshell in my marriage, and the relationship became unhealthy. However, I decided to fight a good fight for my marriage, this was not the marriage I wanted, and this was not the marriage God wanted. How do we know if we are fighting a good fight or a nasty fight? It is essential to understand the motive for fighting and what we are fighting for in our marriage. 

It is essential to understand the motive for fighting and what we are fighting for in our marriage.

You can read: common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

We must acknowledge that conflict is part of a healthy marriage. A quote by Robert Louis Stevenson defines marriage as – “one long conversation checkered with disputes.” Marriage is both love and war, and as couples, we can decide which one we want to prevail. The bible tells us that love conquers all. If there were no wars or disputes, there would be nothing to overcome. So, if you and I approach the conflicts and arguments that happen in our marriage as part of the structure, we would focus on how we fight and what the outcome should be. So how do you know if you are fighting a good or bad fight?

Below are some of the characteristics of a good fight and a dangerous fight.

Good fight – your goal will be to resolve the conflict or matter at hand and a bad fight; your goal will be to win the fight or show your spouse they are wrong, and you are right.

A good fight deals with the underlying issues and wants to bring them to a place of understanding, but a horrible war only wants to deal with the surface issue. Therefore, when the underlining problems are still there, they will always resurface and create more fight.

Good fight focuses on ideas and issues where the couple disagrees with, finding common ground and a win-win solution, whereas a lousy battle concentrates on personality and power struggles. Do you know who I am? I have a right? etc.

Good fight produces an attitude that is cooperative and receptive; the couples or spouse wants to understand and find common ground to continue to enjoy their relationship. A bad fight produces an attitude that is defensive and aggressive, not wanting the argument to end and causing separation.

A good fight’s motivation is to take responsibility and resolve the issue, while a ruthless fight’s reason is to shift blame and not take responsibility.  What we do know, however, is that it takes two to tango; each person will have a share of the pie in a fight.

The result of a good fight is a solution, issues resolved, growing together and increased understanding leading to better intimacy. Sadly, the result of a nasty battle is separation, stagnation, more discord, shame, and a final blow could dissolve the marriage.

One quality that perpetuates fight within a marriage is pride and egocentricity, do not allow pride to ruin your beautiful union.

So, the question I would like to ask is, what are you fighting for in your marriage? If your motivation for arguing with your spouse is reflected above as a harmful fight, please be humble enough to reassess and make amends. One quality that perpetuates fight within a marriage is pride and egocentricity, do not allow pride to ruin your beautiful union. Marriage is built for enjoyment and satisfaction, and whatever will cost your marital bliss is too expensive. Ignorance, pride, unbelief in God, disobedience if you are a child of God will cause you to miss out on your earthly inheritance. A blissful marriage is a heaven on earth.

I implore you today; if you have taken time to read up to this point, it means you are ready to fight the good fight for your marriage. Look at the qualities of a good fight and those of a dangerous battle and decide to change. You cannot change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Let us start from there!

The inspiration for this write-up comes from the book – The Good Fight – How conflict can bring you closer by Dr Les and Leslie Parrott. Please get that book and read it in-depth; you will find it very useful.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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You cannot be thankful and be bitter at the same time in your marriage

One of the most common complaints and love killers in marriage is criticism and complaints. I had realised that the time I have been critical of my husband was when I failed to appreciate what he is doing or what I have asked him to do. I felt let down due to my expectations which sometimes can be overinflated. I soon realise that criticism and negative attitudes only breed more negativity. I decided to start living a positive life and appreciate my husband for who he is. I am not saying it is an easy task to appreciate or fail to notice when someone has not met our expectation; however, to live in peace in a marriage, we must learn to create that positive atmosphere. You and I have the ability and power to choose positivity, turn situations around for good and count it all joy when faced with a difficult situation. The moment I started to look at what I have and not what is missing, my life literally turned around; all the bitterness, anger, and negative stronghold melted away. Oh! The devil is so deceptive because he knows we have the power to dismantle those illusions; the devil plays on our mind, and he gains a foothold when we take offence or become angry.

Suggested Read: Selflessness: learn to replace I with We in your marriage, your I -llness will become WE -llness

One of the most common complaints and love killers in marriage is criticism and complaints.

One of the fastest ways to recover from a bad situation is to give thanks for what is available and what is at hand. If everyone decides to bring out the challenges they face in their lives and put them on the table for an exchange, most people will quickly pick up their cross and give thanks that they have it lighter. Do not be deceived; every marriage has one or two areas of the challenge they are dealing with; the ability to cope and find joy in those circumstances separates a successful marriage from a failed marriage. I once heard a story of a man who complained he has no shoe to wear and found someone who has shoes but no legs to put them on. He quickly gave thanks and would not exchange the shoes for those legs when the other man told him he could have his shoes in exchange for his legs.

Stop negative thinking and pattern by appreciating and becoming grateful for your spouse.

Stop negative thinking and pattern by appreciating and becoming grateful for your spouse. You cannot be thankful and bitter simultaneously, so if you are not happy in your marriage, focus on your level of appreciation and not your spouse. It is straightforward to blame our unhappiness on someone else, yet we have the power to control how we respond to others.

Will you start to appreciate your spouse today? I remember my daughter was heartbroken about a few things she wanted from us as parents last Christmas. I told her what she was fretting about was missing and just a fraction of the pie. I then gave her an exercise to do, which would help her appreciate what she has. I told her to write down all the things she has and write down those things she is missing. She was amazed at the long list of good things she has compared to the minimal list of items she desired. She confessed that she felt better looking at the list of those things she has, and she never thought about them; it felt they were expected and never gave thanks for those. It made her feel so much lighter, better and grateful. Do you know what? The tiny list, exaggerated in her mind, shrunk when she wrote them down on a paper. 

The tiny list, exaggerated in her mind, shrunk when she wrote them down on a paper

During the last Christmas, she received as a gift some of those things she desired. The last time I spoke to her, she said mummy, “I don’t think I need anything again”. How quickly contentment and positive attitudes sets.

If you are so bitter and angry with your spouse, would you do this simple exercise and write down all the things you may feel do not need appreciation because it is normal. It is not normal; in some marriages, the woman is an excellent cook but lacks the skills to make the house neat. Yet, in another household, the wife is immaculate but lacking in skills for making good food. Both husbands have a wife lacking in one area, but when asked to exchange their wives, the one with a good cook was ok; I will rather have good food in my stomach and clean the house as best as I can. It is, therefore, crucial that you write down the qualities in your wife or husband that you may feel typical and expected; no, it may be the same quality someone else is looking for in their spouse. We cannot have it all because we are not perfect. 

You can also read: Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

Happy couples are those who give allowance and make up for each other’s shortcomings.

Happy couples are those who give allowance and make up for each other’s shortcomings. That is why the bible says two are better than one; when one fall, the other will lift him. How are you helping your spouse in their areas of weakness?  Are you helping them to grow or allowing them to sink?

Choose to be grateful and see all your bitterness and anger melt away.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

abi_blog(3)

The heart of the matter is a matter of your heart in marriage

On February 14, we celebrate Valentine’s day all over the world. It is the day we have set aside to celebrate love and lovers. We know that the heart is the symbol of love, and on valentine day, lots of heart-shaped gifts such as heart chocolate, heart cakes, lots of confetti and gifts exchanged. This last valentine day, our daughter made a beautiful heart-shaped cake decorated with lots of heart-shaped sugar. I was researching the heart and seeing all the valentine day adverts splashed with hearts, I decided to look at our hearts and how it relates to love and marriage.

I enjoy watching films in a foreign language, and somehow, I have mastered and enjoyed the film subtitles. The part which shows the innermost thoughts are written in another form to reveal the real idea inside the actor’s heart, although they may choose to say the opposite of what is in their mind. Plots and plans reveal our hearts, and they are known to us only. The individual heart is deep and concealed from everyone else except the Lord, who can search our hearts. 

The individual heart is deep and concealed from everyone else except the Lord, who can search our hearts.

God sees your heart and mine, and He knows our motives. Because the heart is deep, we can say what we mean and say what we do not represent, and we can deceive people. 

Some husbands deceive their wives, just as some wives deceive their husbands, but you know what is in the heart can never be truly hidden. We may hide with smooth words; however, it shows up in many ways than you and I can see or believe.  

That is why we must pay attention to and guard our hearts. Solomon, in proverbs, wrote- “Smooth words may hide a wicked heart, just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot. People may cover their hatred with pleasant words, but they’re deceiving you. They pretend to be kind but don’t believe them. Their hearts are full of many evils. While their hatred may be concealed by trickery, their wrongdoing will be exposed in public. If you set a trap for others, you will get caught in it yourself. If you roll a boulder down on others, it will crush you instead. A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattering words cause ruin.” Proverbs 26:23-28 NNLT 

People may cover their hatred with pleasant words, but they’re deceiving you.

We can deceive ourselves and other people, but we can never fool God, who sees our innermost part. What is the condition of your heart? Maybe the matter you are struggling with now is a matter of your heart. Is your heart pure? Cleanse my heart, oh Lord, search my heart, the psalmist cried. 

The bondages, negative mindset and strongholds are matters of the heart. No one can see your heart, but God sees your heart. Do not attempt to understand or gain insight into another person’s heart because it is deep, and you may be deceived. Just be concerned about your own heart. I encourage you to search your heart, ask God to search and cleanse your soul. Only then can you be pure and changed. I remember the times that my heart was not healthy; I cried to the Lord to help me get rid of bitterness and anger. He heard me, and I can tell you it works wonder when your heart is light. 

We can deceive ourselves and other people, but we can never fool God, who sees our innermost part.

Did you celebrate Valentine day this year? Whether you did or not, would you give your heart to Jesus? Would you desire to have a clean heart? Would you provide the best heart gift to your loved ones? A gift of a pure, clean and healthy heart is the best gift you can give your spouse. When your heart is right, your life and marriage will reflect it. 

Would you be a man or woman with a fair and pure heart? Only you can know your heart.

Below are some bible verses I would encourage you to meditate on: 

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; Who can know it?

 I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings. Jeremiah 17:9-10

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— instead, let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 1 Peter 3:3-4

Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ Matthew 22:37

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, and so find favour and high esteem In the sight of God and man. Proverbs 3:3-4

Remember, the heart of any matter in your marriage is a matter of the heart. If what you are experiencing is bliss, keep working on your heart, and it is the opposite; check your heart and amend. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

Many marriages that have collapsed today may have survived if they had avoided the common mistakes that couples make in a marriage. Many safeguards ensure, protect, and make a marriage work and prevent it from crashing during crises. Let us look at five of the common mistakes couples make in marriage. 

Lack of understanding you are different but equal partners.

Husbands and wives are equal and created equally to dominate and replenish the earth, but their outward form is different. Male and female God created them. Both males and females carried the same spirit of man and made in God’s image. However, due to the unique need and different roles God wants male and females to carry out, he physically makes them different. A man must understand that the woman is not inferior, but God has caused her to carry the womb and tender so she can nurture her young. 

A man must understand that the woman is not inferior, but God has caused her to carry the womb and tender so she can nurture her young.

A woman must know that the man is equal to her but made to be more muscular in physical appearance and mind because he needs to protect, provide and work to meet the needs and carry his family’s burden. When this basic understanding is missing in a marriage, the man may look at his wife as a soft and inferior because she is gentle and cries easily.

Suggested Read: How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

A woman may feel her husband is not good enough because he does not provide and meet his family’s needs and decides to relegate him or accept that he is the leader both in mind and physical strength. When both disagree, he may punish her mentally, psychologically, and for those who are reckless, they may go all the way to physical abuse. Couples who want to be successful in any marriage must avoid this mistake. We must realise and accept our differences and limitations and accept our equality and partnership to enjoy a peaceful and beautiful union. Your husband is an equal partner in your marriage, but he is different, and you cannot expect to relate with him as you would do to another female. 

Your husband is an equal partner in your marriage, but he is different, and you cannot expect to relate with him as you would do to another female.

As a female, you must learn how to connect to a man in a way he understands. How would you do that? You must know how men think and ask for support from a man? How does a man interpret your language and words? And so many other quarks that make a man a male specie. Husband:  your wife is an equal partner and has the same spirit of God and creative ability God has given to man. Your ability to recognise and accept your wife as a partner will help you respectfully relate to her. Her body structure and size have little to do with her ability to think and be creative. God created her to support you in all areas of life. Do you know how to relate to a woman? How does a woman perceive your actions? Is there any adjustment you need to make to ensure you and your wife understand each other? Only when a couple grasps this understanding of equality but different can they begin to operate as partners in their marriage. Marriage is a partnership, and when you accept your mutual roles, there will be less of power tussle and less of control and contradiction. 

Lack of understanding that marriage is roleless

Marriage is roleless, although there are typical roles that naturally falls on a man or woman in a marriage, these are the headship or leadership and childbearing roles. Every other function in a marriage can be performed by either couple, for example, housekeeping, funding, entertainment etc. Sadly, some of these roles have become stereotypical and hurting many homes. There is a lack of understanding that either spouse can function in any marriage capacity except for the creator’s fundamental roles. We know that most women know how to keep the home, become good cooks, and raise the children. Some men are great at cooking and love to do so but will not cook at home because they think it is their wife’s role to cook. 

Some men are great at cooking and love to do so but will not cook at home because they think it is their wife’s role to cook.

Some women are great at doing DIY projects and may love to do so but will resist because they fear that is the job of a man and will not want to explore their talent in that area for fear of upstaging their partner. Some spouses take up a role that people have put a label on as the job of another gender. They met with disapproval from society and exaggerated if the culture around them frowns at such roles. In my home country, if a man loves to look after his children or loves to clean his house, he will be expected not to do so once he becomes married because that is the wife’s job. I heard a story of a mother who frowned at her son who usually cooked for her while unmarried and asked why he made dinner for his wife? We need to begin to remove these barriers and make marriages a beautiful and safe place to be ourselves. If a man loves to cook, please go ahead and do so, cooking is not an exclusive role of a woman.

If a man loves to cook, please go ahead and do so, cooking is not an exclusive role of a woman.

Suggested Read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

 A woman loves driving and repairing mechanics; please feel free to do so, do not limit your creativity for the fear and label people placed on marriage roles. I will encourage husbands and wives to carefully consider taking up positions where they have interest, strength, and passion without fearing what people or society will say. It will significantly enhance your marriage; you will be happy doing what you like and have harmony and peace in your home. 

Lack of good role models and accountability

Many couples go into marriage without having a role model, a matured couple who are successful in their marriage that they can trust to be their go-to if they need advice and be accountable. In today’s business world, we have seen this importance as having a role model and holding responsibility. Whether small or big, an organisation that wants to succeed will have a board of directors to keep an eye on what the organisation is doing and alert them to risky decisions. Many couples have no one to hold them accountable, and it is even sad that many have no one to look up to as role models. It is a mistake to go into marriage and not agree to have a mentor and be accountable to someone you respect. 

It is a mistake to go into marriage and not agree to have a mentor and be accountable to someone you respect.

Why? Marriage is a treacherous journey, and at some point, along the way, the husband or wife needs guidance and someone they respect to correct, rebuke and direct them to make the right decisions. Please do not marry anyone male or female who has no one to admire and will submit to their authority or guidance when facing challenges. The bible says, in proverbs 11:14, “Where there is no guidance, a people fall, but in an abundance of counsellors, there is safety.” Create a safety net and prepare for success in your marriage by looking for a good role model; these cannot be your parents as they will be biased. Find wise matured, God-fearing, and loving couples who excelled in their marriage to mentor you. It is never too late to have mentors, but it is best to have them as you begin your marital journey. 

Assuming marriage success happens effortlessly

Marriage needs a lot of work, effort, dedication, resilience, and love to succeed. Loving your partner may look easy while you are just newly married, but experience has shown that no matter how much you may love each other, there will be challenges ahead. There will be days you will wake up and not feel you love this person you love all the while. What will hold you and your marriage together is knowing, understanding, and willingness to make your marriage work. Do not make a mistake believing you will love your spouse forever, or your spouse will always love you. You must be prepared to go through the phase and seasons of love. Just as we prepare for the seasons of life, we are not surprised when winter comes, we may not like winter, but we know it is coming, and we prepare for it. 

There is nothing like bad weather the Nordics say, but lousy clothing makes you suffer and not enjoy the weather.

There is nothing like bad weather the Nordics say, but lousy clothing makes you suffer and not enjoy the weather. So, are you prepared for the different phases in marriage? Do you know what these phases will be? Have you put in a place survival kit? Do not make the common mistake that love holds marriage forever. It is a mistake to assume marriage success will happen without putting in the effort, time, and commitment to make it happen. As best as you can, please avoid this mistake many have made, and thousands are still committing as they go into marriage based on love without commitment to make it work. 

Lack of having no plan to manage marital crisis

I certainly did not have a plan to manage crisis in my marriage when I married 18 years plus now. We were aware there will be challenges but did not put structures and support help to us manage our crisis. You are guaranteed in your marriage to face not one or two but many critical moments, and you will need to overcome these crises to emerge healthy and well bonded together. Many couples jump out of the furnace of purification during the cleaning process because they can no longer bear the heating and forging process. Every good and robust marriage you see today went though and survived marital challenges.

Every good and robust marriage you see today went though and survived marital challenges.

 Are you prepared to manage the crisis in your union? What are the coping strategies you will put in place? One of my mentees has agreed never to leave the bedroom and sleep separately if they ever get into an argument. Another couple decided always to end the day on a good note and try to resolve any misunderstanding within 24hrs. Other agreed, if there is a decision that the couple cannot agree on, they will hold that decision, and none of the couples can go ahead without concluding. These and many more safeguarding statements have helped many couples resolve issues quickly and prevent crises in their marriage. Please avoid having no plan to solve your marital problems; it is better to plan for an emergency than wait until the situation shows up. It will be too late to find a safe place if you wait for the rain to start before you find shelter.  What safeguarding statement will you put into place for you and your spouse to manage crisis today? 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Selflessness: learn to replace I with We in your marriage, your I -llness will become WE -llness

As we know it, marriage is giving and receiving. When both partners are giving and receiving love to and from each other; the marriage will be healthy. However, once one of the partners decides to withhold or begin to penalise or discount the other, there will be an imbalance and tilting of scales. This so often results in an unhealthy relationship where one partner is giving and desperately trying without the other’s commitment and dedication. 

A marriage’s success is predictable just as being able to unlock a door is predictable if one has the right key

A marriage’s success is predictable just as being able to unlock a door is predictable if one has the right key. The failure of marriage is also predictable just as one can expect to sweat and be frustrated when trying to open a door without the right key or no key at all. Many couples are approaching marriage this way, no clear guidance on what to do to get the keys needed to unlock marital bliss. Every success in any field of life is attained by following success principles. A person who will not follow the rigorous training to become a medical doctor will never become a medical doctor. They can dream about it, talk about, where the scrubs and practice being a doctor in their home, if they do not go for the training and passed the examinations, and they will never become a doctor. We have seen some fake doctors, and the results have been fatal. 

You can read: How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

Therefore, we must begin to learn how to attain marriage success.

Therefore, we must begin to learn how to attain marriage success. Many marriages as much as 50% are destined to end in divorce; the remaining 50% cannot be judged as successful as many hangs in there for many reasons other than being happy and fulfilled. To attain success in marriage, there must be a 100% commitment from both parties, and they must be willing to be selfless, remove focus from themselves and become a team. When couples are still relating to each other using the word I, there will be a problem. WE must be the language of any couple who wants to succeed. Whenever couples focus on I, it will result in an unhealthy relationship.

WE must be the language of any couple who wants to succeed.

One of the laws of marriage is to love each other. We all know that loving each other is easy at the beginning of a relationship. Still, as the euphoria wears out, the decision to love will determine that relationship’s success or failure. I fear, and it is obvious that the marriage vow is not taken seriously by most couple, “for better or worse” and by far many are not practising what they vowed. To love your spouse means determining to continue to love them in a good and bad situation. But what do we see, many spouses will stop loving attitudes once there is an argument or strife. When a couple cannot see themselves as a team and solve issues together to win, there will be an illness.

We must begin to approach marriage relations as a team; a house divided against itself will not stand.

We must begin to approach marriage relationship as a team; a house divided against itself will not stand. In a team, each team member support and will sacrifice for the team. One person cannot be a team by looking out for their own well-being alone. A husband must understand that if his wife is not ok, he is not ok too and so should a wife feel. The bible says husband and wife must become one flesh, which is the key. A husband must see and feel his wife’s pain; likewise, a wife must feel the pain and stresses her husband is passing through. Where couples cannot relate this way, they will not be able to work for each other’s good or protect their relationship. When couples understand that whatever happens to their spouse happens to them, they become more loving and respond lovingly. 

You can also read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

When couples understand that whatever happens to their spouse happens to them, they become more loving and respond lovingly.

On the other hand, many people are unaccepting of their spouse. I find it so concerning that some spouses still think their partner is an outsider and can leave them at any time. They have not embraced the permanency of the marital union, so they always create a gap or crack through which the enemy comes in to plunder their joys.  As husband and wife, please renew your mind and understand that you are one, no longer can you see yourself as I but WE. Learn to replace the I in your relationship with WE and see your relationship Illness turn to Wellness.

It is one of the secrets of good, happy and lasting marriages. You are no longer by yourself but a team with your partner.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here