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Selflessness: learn to replace I with We in your marriage, your I -llness will become WE -llness

As we know it, marriage is giving and receiving. When both partners are giving and receiving love to and from each other; the marriage will be healthy. However, once one of the partners decides to withhold or begin to penalise or discount the other, there will be an imbalance and tilting of scales. This so often results in an unhealthy relationship where one partner is giving and desperately trying without the other’s commitment and dedication. 

A marriage’s success is predictable just as being able to unlock a door is predictable if one has the right key

A marriage’s success is predictable just as being able to unlock a door is predictable if one has the right key. The failure of marriage is also predictable just as one can expect to sweat and be frustrated when trying to open a door without the right key or no key at all. Many couples are approaching marriage this way, no clear guidance on what to do to get the keys needed to unlock marital bliss. Every success in any field of life is attained by following success principles. A person who will not follow the rigorous training to become a medical doctor will never become a medical doctor. They can dream about it, talk about, where the scrubs and practice being a doctor in their home, if they do not go for the training and passed the examinations, and they will never become a doctor. We have seen some fake doctors, and the results have been fatal. 

You can read: How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

Therefore, we must begin to learn how to attain marriage success.

Therefore, we must begin to learn how to attain marriage success. Many marriages as much as 50% are destined to end in divorce; the remaining 50% cannot be judged as successful as many hangs in there for many reasons other than being happy and fulfilled. To attain success in marriage, there must be a 100% commitment from both parties, and they must be willing to be selfless, remove focus from themselves and become a team. When couples are still relating to each other using the word I, there will be a problem. WE must be the language of any couple who wants to succeed. Whenever couples focus on I, it will result in an unhealthy relationship.

WE must be the language of any couple who wants to succeed.

One of the laws of marriage is to love each other. We all know that loving each other is easy at the beginning of a relationship. Still, as the euphoria wears out, the decision to love will determine that relationship’s success or failure. I fear, and it is obvious that the marriage vow is not taken seriously by most couple, “for better or worse” and by far many are not practising what they vowed. To love your spouse means determining to continue to love them in a good and bad situation. But what do we see, many spouses will stop loving attitudes once there is an argument or strife. When a couple cannot see themselves as a team and solve issues together to win, there will be an illness.

We must begin to approach marriage relations as a team; a house divided against itself will not stand.

We must begin to approach marriage relationship as a team; a house divided against itself will not stand. In a team, each team member support and will sacrifice for the team. One person cannot be a team by looking out for their own well-being alone. A husband must understand that if his wife is not ok, he is not ok too and so should a wife feel. The bible says husband and wife must become one flesh, which is the key. A husband must see and feel his wife’s pain; likewise, a wife must feel the pain and stresses her husband is passing through. Where couples cannot relate this way, they will not be able to work for each other’s good or protect their relationship. When couples understand that whatever happens to their spouse happens to them, they become more loving and respond lovingly. 

You can also read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

When couples understand that whatever happens to their spouse happens to them, they become more loving and respond lovingly.

On the other hand, many people are unaccepting of their spouse. I find it so concerning that some spouses still think their partner is an outsider and can leave them at any time. They have not embraced the permanency of the marital union, so they always create a gap or crack through which the enemy comes in to plunder their joys.  As husband and wife, please renew your mind and understand that you are one, no longer can you see yourself as I but WE. Learn to replace the I in your relationship with WE and see your relationship Illness turn to Wellness.

It is one of the secrets of good, happy and lasting marriages. You are no longer by yourself but a team with your partner.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

In the bible, two primary laws underpin marriage success. Husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands. Love and respect go hand in hand; it is like a chicken before the egg or egg before the chicken. Whenever a husband genuinely and unconditionally loves his wife, I am pretty sure the wife will adore and much honour her husband. A wife full of adoration and honour for her husband will make him behave more lovingly towards his wife. These two acts go on to influence each other. However, where the issue has been for marriages in turmoil is when one partner is waiting to do their share because the other partner is not doing their role. People tend to pin the kick start of the relationship on the woman. Women are the ones that build the home and control the marriage’s atmosphere many cultures believe. 

A woman who loves her husband will honour, adore, and respect him.

However, women take this on, and some men take advantage of it. The woman is left to keep the marriage while her husband may not reciprocate. If this goes on, resentment and rebellion build up.  We have looked at how husbands can be loving to their wives in a previous post. Even though women are not asked expressly in the bible to love their husbands, generally we are all called to living a loving and caring life. Hence, a woman who loves her husband will honour, adore, and respect him.

You can also read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

Below are four ways women can become loving wives to our husbands.

Accept your husband as your man

1 Corinthians 11:8 says for man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. Understanding that in our marriage as women, we are made to be the helpmeet of our husbands can help us simplify our role. I must tell you being a helpmeet does not come naturally, but through searching and asking God, we can devote our lives to serve and support. As a wife, our role is to support our husbands and do what they may not do or do not want to do. 

As a wife, our role is to support our husbands and do what they may not do or do not want to do.

This can be tricky when a man does not do his responsibility as a man and the head. When a man leaves all his responsibility to the woman, she becomes her own husband and a wife at the same time. It takes understanding and wisdom to choose to honour and submit in that situation deliberately. Unfortunately, this is the scenario in so many marriages, making it uneasy for the woman who bears the burden to continue to endure hardship and still be loving. However, we can ask for grace and wisdom to still find ways to love and honour our husbands. Why do we need to do that? Because we are subject to God’s authority and order. If a woman refuses to accept her husband as her man, he will not become the man she wants him to be. 

If a woman refuses to accept her husband as her man, he will not become the man she wants him to be.

I will encourage women to ask for the grace to continue to hold their husbands in high esteem because of our role as the wife. Remember you are a wife because of that man, and our main task is to honour and support him to be the best God has called him to be. Without our acceptance of our role and the order, we risk behaving unlovingly to our husbands.

Ensure that his physical, emotional, and sexual needs are met

Men need help and hence the reason God made us their helpmeet. If you ask a man if he needs help, some would probably say no am ok by me. Yes, a man may be ok by himself, but he cannot fulfil the mandate to dominate the world as God commanded without a woman. For example, a man cannot reproduce without a woman’s help. So as women, we are to ensure we help our husbands fulfil the commands God has given them. We must see that our husbands are well cared for, look for his wellbeing, comfort, and rest. Nothing a man wants more than coming home to a nice dinner, well prepared and served just for him. We can also be the loving wife our husband desire is to be a refuge for his emotional support. Men care so much about their emotions, and if tinkered with, they will withdraw it completely. 

Men care so much about their emotions, and if tinkered with, they will withdraw it completely.

Therefore, we must learn how to respond to our husbands’ feelings and emotions.  Men and women express and manage emotions differently, to be able to understand men, we must enter their world. I recently read the bestselling book by John Gray – ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’. This book provides excellent and great insights into how men and women process emotions. It gives women practical ways to support men and be a safe place of refuge for our husbands’ feelings. We cannot overemphasise the need to meet our husband’s sexual needs. Sex is for marriage and should be enjoyed by both spouses. However, research has shown that men often have a higher sex drive than women, although not in all cases. There are exceptions where some men have reduced libido. Men love sex and would do anything to have sexual satisfaction and release. A loving wife would make sex enjoyable and be available to satisfy her husband. 

A loving wife would make sex enjoyable and be available to satisfy her husband.

Our goal ladies should be to make our husbands be ravished with our love, such that he is running back home to have a good sexual experience. Good sex has more to do with intimacy rather than the act itself. How you make your husband feel before, during and after sex has a lot to do with how much you love him. There are so many ways: men can make this happen because it does take two to tango. We will look at that in the future; this post is for us women. Let there be so much love in your heart for your husband; it will reflect your sexual experience.  

Speak with a soft tone and respect

Words are powerful, and with our words, we can build up our husbands or ruin them. You know, as women, we are blessed with the gift of words. Most women have their way with words. This is an area of challenge for me, and the Lord has helped me grow and mature. Most women have small frames compared to their husbands, we may not be able to abuse our husbands physically, but we are experts at verbal abuse and damage.  A loving wife will speak with a loving tone and respect. It is often not what we say that gets to our husband but more to do with how we said it. 

It is often not what we say that gets to our husband but more to do with how we said it.

A gentle response turns away, wrath the Bible admonished. I agree some people are naturally quiet, lowly and meek, oh how I wish I were softly meek naturally.  However, having a bubbly and extroverted temperament, does not mean we cannot be gentle and submissive. The Bible says, tame your tongue; we have to be soft and respect our husbands. We are often cautious and respectful to other men, yet we may have allowed familiarity to breed contempt with our spouse. To be a loving wife, we have to honour and respect our husband deliberately and reflect that in our speech, tone of voice and attitudes.

Suggested Read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Focus on making your home a safe place to return to for your husband

A home is welcoming, warm, happy and safe. We can have a big house furnished to a great taste but not a home. The dictionary defines a home as a place where someone lives permanently and a house as a building where people live or meet. You can move from house to house and make it your home. As a loving wife, we must never let our home become just a house or a hell for our husband. 

As a loving wife, we must never let our home become just a house or a hell for our husband.

If we have this at the back of our mind, we will respond with love even when we misunderstand each other, because we want our husbands to come home to a peaceful place. If the argument or issue will cost your peace, it is too expensive, and the price is too high to pay. We must learn to guard your home’s harmony; a loving family is a peaceful home. Let your husband come home to a quiet place no matter what he may have gone through outside. One significant way we unintentionally make our home unpleasant is being a contentious wife.  Oh, we must do all to avoid being contentious. Proverbs 25:24 paints the picture well “it is better to live outside and exposed to elements than inside and exposed to the abuse of a controversial and quarrelsome wife.

Loving is a choice, and it requires intentionality, knowledge, and sacrifice. Women, we are equipped with the capacity to love and I know many circumstances affect our loving attitudes. However, let us choose to love anyway; it may turn cold husbands’ hearts and save our marriages.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How to be a loving husband to your wife

I have often come across and spoken to men who want to love their wives and cherish them but do not understand what they are doing wrong, even though they are doing their best. I have realised that their actions may not convey the very message of love they are trying to pass on to their wives. The way we receive love is the natural and more comfortable approach; we often want to reciprocate that love. It can become difficult and frustrating for a man trying to show his wife love but doing so the manner he understands. For example, showing a man love can mean giving him space to be alone for some time when he feels being sucked in or choked by life. Yet a man trying to show love to his wife by staying away when she is in deep distress may have just shot himself in the foot.

Most women’s very nature is to find a pillar of support to lean on when their world is turning upside down.

Most women’s very nature is to find a pillar of support to lean on when their world is turning upside down. A spouse being there to understand, help, and comfort would mean the world to her. These differences are why men and women find it difficult to understand each other initially and loathe one another as time goes by in a marriage. But the moment a wife or husband understand the mystery of speaking and giving love the way, their partner wants to be loved, the moment they become inseparable and best friends.

This understanding comes easily and naturally for most people if they have been exposed to women and pick up these traits. Other men may not have paid attention to these traits or refuse to develop and deploy them in their marriage. When a man lacks the skills to love the way a woman desires, the result is then determined by their commitment to making that marriage work. If the man wants to keep his marriage, he quickly begins to learn and apply these pearls of wisdom. Sadly, not in many cases, as we can see in divorce rates and physical violence, leading to the dissolution of marriages.

Suggested Read: Trust Me – two powerful words that can make or break your marriage

One of the many ways to become an expert in any area is by study and applying knowledge and skills gained.

Therefore, men must learn how to love and express love to women in the language women understand and desire. One of the many ways to become an expert in any area is by study and applying knowledge and skills gained. Learning does not mean one has no knowledge or does not know what one is doing; it is simply becoming better at what we are doing. Therefore, I will encourage men to begin to find out and apply how to truly love a woman to satisfy and bring harmony into their marriage.

Below are four tips to becoming a loving husband.

Always Take Decisions Together as a couple 

When you are careful to consider your spouse when making plans and taking decisions, she will always feel cherished and respected. Many men act autonomously and expect their wives not to lift a finger without their knowledge. If as a leader, you are not leading by example, you are not leading correctly. The action they say speak louder than voice. Let me share this story with you. As a parent, I have been trying to get my teenage daughter to create a schedule and keep it even during this pandemic. I have spoken about it many times, but the day I brought my schedule and showed her, we analyse how it has been helping me keep sane, and in order, it made an impact. I was shocked to see her make a drastic change the very next day. 

If as a leader, you are not leading by example, you are not leading correctly.

Do unto others what you want others to do unto you is a guide that can help husbands love more but when it comes to an understanding a wife, you cannot apply what satisfy you as a man. We must apply what works and resonate with the woman, which comes with knowing. The first point is to ask our spouse how they like to receive love. Be vigilant to record actions that make them feel love and repeat those actions. Don’t make decisions that will affect the family without consulting your spouse. 

Accept your spouse as your equal partner in the marriage

Many cultures and traditions have made some men have beliefs that are detrimental to their marriage success. Some men believe they are superior to their wives because they are the head or the breadwinner. This attitude can make them demean their wives, which does not convey a loving attitude. 

Some men believe they are superior to their wives because they are the head or the breadwinner.

Jesus was equal to God, but He did not consider that glory, He laid it down to become a man like us to relate with us lovingly. Let us imagine God comes down in His full glory, and I doubt if anyone will be able to fellowship with Him as Jesus’s disciples did. Jesus is a servant leader; He is the role model for leadership with equity. He ate the last supper and washed His disciples’ feet. He never let them feel his weight as God, but He ravished them with His love. This made the disciples leave everything to follow and even become martyrs for the Kingdom. Love your wife and relate with her without making her feel inferior. The truth is women are not inferior as the world may have made it to be because women are not created as inferiors but a suitable helpmeet. Male and female He created them to rule and dominate the world together. 

Treat your wife with dignity in front of your family and friends

I heard someone preach on marriage recently, he mentioned you must become “wife biased” to know you love your wife as you should. People around you should be able to commend you for the way you protect your wife in her presence or not. 

A man that disgraces his wife disgraces himself too.

A loving husband will protect his wife and not speak ill of her or insult her in any way. Leaving your wife stranded or exposing her weaknesses to your family and friends will not portray you as a loving husband. Learn to shield your spouse’s shortcoming in public and then go into your bosom to discuss it. A man that disgraces his wife disgraces himself too.

You must learn to listen to your wife with interest

Women love to share their feelings and talk, a thing woman need, not just a want. If a car needs petrol to function the way the manufacturer had stated when you purchased it. If you decide petrol is not a smell you like and you cannot be going to the fuel station to refuel as often as the car needs fuel, you can never enjoy the ride. Women need to talk about their day, they want to involve you in their activities, and as a loving husband, you must learn to be involved. You cannot say, “that is not my thing”, yes talking in detail may not be your need but it is her need, and you ought to be present to show you are loving. Loving is giving not receiving as most people tend to believe. To love is to lay down yourself for another. So, if you want to love that woman and you love her as you claim, what have you laid down for her sake? 

You can also read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Loving is giving not receiving as most people tend to believe.

These are fundamental truths and behaviours that show loving attitudes. Although for so many men, they have been misled to believe giving money, roses and sex mean love. They may work for a while, but deep, lasting love grows into attitudes and actions that follow. If money was all the love that can make a woman happy, then millionaires should not be having issues. If sex was all the love a woman needs, then those stallions should not divorce, and if pecks and shallow expression of love were enough, many marriages would not dissolve straight after the honeymoon. 

Why not decide to learn how to love and love so deep that nothing would be able to separate you and your spouse in your marriage today. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Be intentional about your marriage; success and failure of marriage are predictable.

Be intentional about your marriage, success and failure of marriage are predictable.

Focus and intention are qualities that separate successful people from unsuccessful people. Some people have no purpose or motive to make their marriage peaceful, rewarding, and enjoyable. Should you ask many couples today if they ever had the intention and were focussed on making their marriage a haven? Many people will probably not be able to answer that question easily. I certainly wanted a happy marriage, but I cannot categorically state that it was my mission and focus from the onset. I had it at the back of my mind, but never really discussed it or made it a focal point or topic of discussion. Things we do not put at the front burner of our lives tend to recede into the very far corner, and we end up losing focus on what we ought to exactly put our focus on. 

The husband asked his wife to allow their home to be a peaceful haven for him to come back to each night

Recently I read an article on a couple who had been married for seven years, they were quizzed on the secret of their happiness in the marriage so far. The husband asked his wife to allow their home to be a peaceful haven for him to come back to each night. Therefore, whenever there was an issue that threatens the peace he so desired, he weighs the pros and cons of losing his peace. Hence he was able to make sound judgement and react accordingly. Given this perspective and focus, it was difficult for him to burst into arguments or scream at the top of his voice when offended. Why? Because he knew he would be disrupting the peace he was after. The wife also made her request, and this was that she would appreciate her husband’s support and encouragement in following her dreams. She had a focus and ability to create a peaceful and loving home just as her husband was her greatest cheerleader. They were both fulfilled and had a reason to ensure they resolve any threats to their marriage. 

Whatever we set out to do with intentionality keeps us in check and aligned with our goals and objectives

Oh, how I wished I had such an intention at the start of my marriage. Whatever we set out to do with intentionality keeps us in check and aligned with our goals and objectives. For example,  many clashes in marriages could be resolved effortlessly, where the couples were intentional about keeping the peace. An argument over money which cannot buy peace would have been quenched easily by resolving the money issue rather than the couples turning on each other’s attitude or began a cold war. Challenges such as intrusions from in-laws or friends would be unblurred if the couple was intentional about keeping their intimacy. They will surely resist intervention and keep their marriage bond intact. 

Suggested Read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Success in marriage is not pure luck at all.

However, where there is no vision, people cast off restraint the bible says. In many instances where the couples are not intentional about loving each other through thick and thin, there is bound to be a failed marriage. Success in marriage is not pure luck at all. It requires commitment, dedication, getting up and showing up when one does not feel like doing so and focus on making the marriage enjoyable. Why not begin this new year with a focus and determination to make your marriage work. Once you know where they are going and what you want in a marriage, it is quite easy for you to identify and say no to things and people that will take you to another destination. It is just like waiting at a bus stop going to a particular destination, no matter how long it takes to wait for the bus heading to your destination, you will wait for it. Only a fool and someone who has no idea of where they were going will get to a bus stop and jump on another bus because their bus is taking too long to arrive. Why? Because they will never get to their destination if they get on another bus. However, should someone not have a place in mind already, they will be unable to decide which bus they will enter. They can jump any bus and take them anywhere because they never had any destination in mind. What happened to such people is they become frustrated; they cannot measure their success because they have no measure in the first instance. 

You can also read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your

Do not begin your marital journey without a clear focus of what you want from that marriage.

Do not begin your marital journey without a clear focus of what you want from that marriage. If you have already begun and have been married but frustrated because you never had focus or intention, it is not too late, to start with, a good destination in mind. May I suggest – a happy, peaceful, and beautiful marriage? You then decide what you need to do to make your relationship happy. It is not going to be an easy ride but with focus and intention, you can get off the wrong bus and the moment you decide to get on the right bus, you are on your way to your destination. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here