A husband will thrive and do well when his wife trusts him completely and allow him to be the man he wants to be. A wife will be happy when her husband trusts her and accept word spoken as they are without any hint of doubt or mistrust. Men do not want to have a feeling of inadequacy and the moment a wife does not trust or have full confidence in her partner’s ability to provide, care or make a decision, the level of trust invested diminishes. To trust someone means you can rely on them, you have full confidence in their abilities, character, and integrity. Trust is gained by being tested, saying these two-word ‘TRUST ME’ will not suddenly make someone to trust you. Trust is won and bestowed when tested.
Recently I was reflecting on some of the reasons why I have a firm conviction that I married my husband. During our courtship, my boyfriend then now my husband was to pick me up from University, we had been told to go home due to a general strike. In those days mobile phones were not prevalent, we had agreed the date and time over a landline. However, that day came, almost everyone had left, and just a handful of students left in the hostel. At around 7 pm, the last bus for that day was leaving campus yet, my boyfriend had not shown up. I was torn between being left stranded on a remote campus and trusting that he will keep his promise and show up.
Being young lovers, I trusted him to find his way down somehow. The last bus left, campus almost empty and darkness descended; then a headlight shone through the path. Behold it was my boyfriend indeed. He was so pleased I had trusted and waited for him, even though there was no means of communicating or updating each other, as we would nowadays.
He narrated the ordeal he had gone through to source fuel and then travelling to where I was. He also struggled with the thought that, I might assume he wasn’t going to show up. But he trusted I will wait for him and couldn’t afford to disappoint. I was grateful that I waited and trusted him, even though I face the danger of being left alone in an almost empty hostel on a remote site. I could only imagine the disappointment if I had left and he got there to meet no one after all the effort and ordeal! We were both pleased, happy and secure that we trusted each other. That event laid a strong foundation of trust in our relationship.
Why am I sharing this story with you?
Trust is the bedrock of a long-lasting marital relationship but, it is built by being tested. Failure in keeping promises closes the account of trust in a marriage or any other relationship. As a husband, you cannot lead a spouse you do not trust, and as a wife, you cannot follow a leader you cannot rely on.
Husbands and wives must protect their trust accounts by integrity and stability under pressure. If you break the trust, your spouse may forgive you, but it does not mean the account of trust will be restored in an instant.
Forgiveness is not the restoration of trust; it means I give a chance to trust again. Trust is gained and restored over time, but it will be very difficult to rebuild than maintained.
The good news is, trust can be rebuilt, it will be harder each time you have to rebuild trust and it takes longer too. Yet, without trust, it is impossible to please each other. Stop blaming your spouse for not trusting you when you have failed to be trustworthy. When someone has let us down so many times, we may find it difficult to trust them again. It is easier not to trust someone who is not your spouse but, in a marriage that will survive and be happy, husbands and wives must keep learning to trust each other over and over again.
Hebrews 11:6 says, without faith, it is impossible to please God. Why? Because you must first believe and trust that God exists even though you cannot see Him.
Trust is like faith, it is like wifi that connects to the internet, but we cannot see it. We must have faith to continue to trust our partner if we want to remain connected as husband and wife in a loving relationship. Therefore, learn to trust your partner and learn to keep your promises, it helps to build trust. Guard your trust, it is a great virtue needed for a beautiful marriage. Remember trust is gained in times of need, especially when your spouse is not worthy of your intervention. When we rise above our feelings of inadequacy or judgement and we learn to be a supportive spouse, our partner will learn to trust us again. On the contrary, this is counter-intuitive because when someone lets us down, we want to withdraw our trust, support, and allow them to face the consequences, that can only worsen the situation and breed mistrust.
You can also read: Principles of Marriage: FORGIVENESS (Part 1)
If you are single, DO NOT marry someone you do not trust now and cannot trust in the future. Remember you cannot lead someone who does not trust you, neither can you follow someone you do not trust.
Lastly, be a trustworthy spouse, trust is not won by mere request. I have heard many people say, “trust me”. No, we cannot request trust, it is earned, proven, and attained when we are stable under pressure and found trustworthy when tested.
I pray your marriage will rest on a trustworthy foundation. Amen.
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Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.
Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.
My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here