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How to use respect and love to create synergy in a marriage.

by with No Comment Abi's SeriesHappy Marriage

I am very intrigued by how gears work to pull weights that are many times more than the weight of the equipment itself. Gears help propel and move things forward quickly, especially when the gear teeth align and set. Have you ever seen a gear that is misaligned work well?  A piece of misaligned equipment does not work well and would not move forward; sometimes, a lot of cranking noise will occur if the gear is being forced, and eventually, it will break down. This is precisely the picture I got when I was researching RESPECT and LOVE in a marriage. 

Respect and love in marriage go together in a marriage

Respect and love in marriage go together; the fundamental need of a man, as identified and confirmed by many studies, is respect. In contrast, the most crucial necessity of a woman is love. If you think of it as a critical need and not a desire or want, then husbands and wives would appreciate the necessity to understand and meet their partner’s demand.  When a man feels that he is being disrespected, it is like cutting off the food supply for a hungry man. He will not function optimally and would not show love to the woman as he would want to. When a woman feels she is not loved, it is equivalent to cutting off her energy supply. She will be incapable of becoming her best and eventually will start losing respect for the man. If the matter is not nipped in the bud early enough, it will become a challenge in the marriage. 

One of the many reasons’ marriage seems complex is this dynamic of respect and love.

One of the many reasons’ marriage seems complex is this dynamic of respect and love. The bible has given the final say on it. Still, many believers choose not to follow this principle, often time not deliberately but because it is a narrow path and counterintuitive.  God has commanded men to love and live with women in understanding; he did not add any condition that men should only love her when she submits or respects you. That is what unconditional love means to love with no requirement. The bible also gave the woman command to respect her husband. There was no condition attached to respecting him, whether he earns, deserves it, or not. However, it can be tough to respect a man that misbehaves or love a disprectful woman without the fear of God. 

A marriage that operates at this level has attained the expression of what God wanted in a marriage.  

A healthy and good marriage really means to be able to love one’s wife without any condition and to be able to respect one’s husband without judgement.  A marriage that operates at this level has attained the expression of what God wanted in a marriage.  Christ loved His bride while we were still sinners; He died to present us to Himself, spotless.  Why am I writing this today? It is to encourage you to meet the need of your spouse. Men must recognise women need love like air; women must recognise men need respect like oxygen.  I will encourage you as a man to concentrate and learn how to love your wife without waiting for her respect. As a woman, focus and work on how to respect your husband without waiting for his love. I will say that is one area where I have struggled in my marriage, to be able to keep up respecting my husband irrespective of his actions or inactions. By default, I want to go one way, but I quickly pull myself back to ensure I am obeying and honouring God as I respect my husband. 

Love is a decision and not a feeling.

We must realise, everyone deserves respect and love but due to our gender differences, males’ function best when they are respected and females more when loved. Would you decide to love your spouse unconditionally? Love is a decision and not a feeling. If you are waiting to feel ok before you start loving your wife, you are stalling the gear. I would like to call you to action; women we must deliberately choose to respect our husbands irrespective of whether they earns it or not. You will be starting the gear if you don’t learn to love and respect, and eventually, the synergy will return and turning the wheel of your marriage in the right direction. Having a good marriage is a choice; we can put so many things in place and ask God to bless and keep our home. 

I hope you will decide today, be in control of your negative emotions and take steps to take your marriage to the next level of bliss and peace. Amen

You may need someone to hold you accountable and support you on this journey, as a certified SYMBIS assessment facilitator, I can support you virtually. 

I invite you to take the pre-marriage assessment if you are single or engaged to be married soon or the SYMBIS+ Assessment if you are married. I will help you unpack the result and point out areas of strengths, weakness, opportunity, and threats (SWOT) in your marriage. Every successful business conducts SWOT analysis in other to continue to grow. 

To apply for the assessment, please click

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Marriage Code versus Highway Code (Part Two)

by with No Comment Happy MarriageUncategorized

Have you ever wondered why there are highway codes and traffic rules to be obeyed by anyone who wants to drive a car? It is to prevent chaos on the roads, keep the driver safe, and keep other drivers and pedestrians safe. Imagine for a second, anyone and everyone can drive on any side of the road they choose. If it seems good to them, they can just take to the roads and start driving. Have you formed a mental picture of what the road would look like? This is exactly the state of many families, marriages, and societies where there are no laws or laws that are not upheld, people cast off restraints…. We are continuing the marriage code and highway code part two, if you haven’t read part one, please click here.  According to the Highway Code for Marriage by Michael and Hillary Perrott, there are seven letters in the word CAREFUL which are vital for the success of any marriage. We have discussed the first three letters C stands for Communication; A stands for Affection and R stands for Respect. Let us look at the remaining acronym that makes up the word CAREFUL in a marriage.

Encouragement

Encouragement is a special skill and one of the secrets of good and thriving marriages. Everyone wants to be encouraged, everyone needs encouragement in a family, even your children. Learn how to encourage your spouse, support, and never criticise. This does not come naturally to some people, especially if they have been criticised and judged all their life. Make it a law in your marriage, I must not discourage and wear down my spouse, no matter how terrible and horrible the outcome of his or her actions. Encouragement brings hope, it gives them the courage to do better. I always watch the London marathon and love to do so because of the support and encouragement we give to runners. Even though they have been running for miles, they are tired and still have miles to go, the moment we shout out their names “go, Mark, you are doing great”. I always see the boost of energy and feeling of – “I can do this” that comes over them. Even though we do not know them personally, just calling out their names meant a great deal. Many marathon runners attest to the crowds’ power of encouragement.  How much more hearing a word of encouragement from the one you love. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness brings peace to your marriage and everyone couple wants a peaceful marriage. The secret to peace in your marriage is the ability to forgive. Forgive or fester and the result of festering is costly. I remember during my driving lessons, my instructor will say give way first, even if you have the right of way. Always assume all other drivers are mad. It did not make much sense then, because that was not what I was taught driving in Nigeria. It is who can put their head in first. Now with this law of giving way first, driving in England is pleasure, there seems to be orderliness and less gridlock unlike my driving experience in Nigeria. Why is that so, it prepared my heart to give in first, which is forgiveness. Why many marriages fail is because of lack of forgiveness, inability to let go. I am right, you must apologise, you must face the consequences of your actions, all of these make marriage a hell on earth. The marriage code here is – if I do not forgive, I will not have peace in my marriage. Many people are holding the peace they desire by refusing to forgive their spouse. If you can give way when driving, you can forgive your spouse or anyone at all.

Suggested Read: Love in marriage is a decision more than an emotion

Unselfishness

Unselfishness brings joy and harmony when two people in a marriage are looking out for the good of the other and not themselves. It is important to check why you get married to your spouse. Sometimes people get married because they want to get not because they want to give. Where this is the case, selfishness will be the order of the day. When one person continues to give and serve and does not get treated well, there comes troubled marriage. Are you being selfish in your marriage? You must be determined to be unselfish because, as human beings our default nature is selfishness. That is why you must make it a highway code and law in your marriage. We will not be selfish in this area, that area, and so many other ways we have been selfish. Make a list, start with sexual intercourse. It only a selfish man that will be satisfied sexually and ignore his wife’s sexual satisfaction. This is not uncommon am sure you will agree with me. Make it a law, write it down, discuss it, and abide by it. 

Loyalty

Loyalty backing each other up, being there for each other no matter the situation. The marriage vows encapsulate what it means to be loyal in your marriage. “For better for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health till death we do part”. These vows are taken in the presence of God and family, yet many do not take it seriously or with any gravity. When a spouse withdraws affection from their partner because of one issue or the other, then they are not loving for worse. You are only doing for the better. When a wife refuses her husband’s sexual intimacy for one issue or the other then you are not in it for worse. I mean where there are domestic abuse and violence, the marriage is damaged, and we cannot expect loyalty in this case. However, before a marriage degenerates into a state like that, it is because most of the laws of marriage have been broken, to remain loyal of course will be difficult. It is, therefore, the most important and if I might say, the first law couples should hold paramount in their marriage. Loyalty keeps love in a marriage, loyalty can save a wrecked marriage. Make it a law, this marriage must work, and we will do all we can to keep our union intact. 

There are many benefits of having an intact marriage, and it is worth following a marriage highway code to guide you on your marital journey.  For many of us who are driving safely on roads today, we learned how to drive. We were patient, we listened to instructions and invested money to learn how to drive. After leaning and passing the driving test, we apply for a license to drive, there are traffic fines to enforce the highway codes. A driving license is renewed after a certain number of years. All these point us to the fact that we need to abide by rules and code of conduct. 

There is no organisation you will go to that do not have their code of conducts. Create a code of conduct for your marriage, do not assume you can behave well in your marriage if the society does not allow nor trust you to behave well elsewhere. Marriage crises today are due to lack of training, lack of code of conducts, lack of policing or enforcement and the attack of the enemy. We cannot be ignorant of the devices of the enemy but most times, spiritual attribution of marital failures is not always the case. Simple knowledge of knowing how to do marriage can resolve most of the marital challenges we face. 

Let us move from unintentional marriage to intentional marriage. Let us have purposeful marriages and I am very convinced, happiness and joy from each home that gets marriage right will individually begin to repair our society. So how do you begin to create your marriage code of conducts? Read books, go to marriage conferences, have mentors and a coach and so on. 

I have some recommendations below, the authors have not paid me, but these resources have been useful in my marriage. 

I will also recommend my book that will be out soon – “Marriage Expectation vs Reality”. One of the reasons marriages are failing is also attributed to a lack of information on what marriage means, why we get married and the purpose of marriage. We all know why we go through years of education. It is to better our lives and therefore we endure all the training required to become an expert in our career. This book is packed full of information needed to make a marriage work.

Apart from reading books, go on marriage courses, retreats and conferences. Many couples who are enjoying their marriages today are those investing in their marriage before it breaks down. There is the need for maintenance in a marriage, do not wait until a crack shows up before you repair your marriage. It may be late and the crack on the surface means there is much more below the surface. Act in time, do not wait for an issue to arise in your marriage. 

I hope you will work on your marriage for your children, your spouse, yourself and society. We can change our world one person at a time, by changing our marriage. Make your marriage a haven of peace, joy and love by intentionality. 

Get your marriage highway code set up before you start the journey of a lifetime called marriage. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

marriage_decision

Love in marriage is a decision more than an emotion

by with No Comment Happy Marriage

Many people understand and feel love as an emotion, but love is not just an emotion, it is a decision to be made, especially in marriage or any other relationship. Love is an act that generates emotions we feel and crave. It is good to be loved and be loving to others, especially our spouse. That is why God commanded husbands to love their wives, He did not stop there, He commanded us to love one another deeply. Meaning a wife must love her husband too, children love their parents and so on. God commanded us to go further and show deep love in 1 peter 4:8 “most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins”. For a successful marriage, you must always decide to love your spouse, because the reality is your spouse is going to hurt you the most, oh it will be a multitude of sins. People often expect their spouse to know them so well, not to offend them. You know what, it is the person who stands closest to you, that is most likely to step on your toes. It is easy to love from afar, but when you are married you can no longer love from afar. This is where God asks for your obedience, are you going to obey God or follow your emotions? There are many times I do not feel I love my husband because of pain or arguments, but one thing I am so sure of is, I love him. I may not feel it, but I am sure I love him. Hence, I will cook and serve his food and try to resolve whatever is making me not to feel his love at that moment. This did not come naturally to me, I had to learn it due to experiences of past mistakes. I used to understand love as an emotion so, if I do not feel like I love him, I am not going to behave lovingly, God taught me a lesson and a hard one for that matter. He said when I do that, I am walking in disobedience, therefore some of my prayers that were unanswered were due to walking in disobedience. It was a light bulb moment when I got the inspiration that to love in pain or hurt is to choose to obey God. Obedience is better than sacrifice, do not sacrifice your marriage your joy, love and peace because of your disobedience to love deeply. When you love deeply as an act, you will be able to cover the multitude of sins. It is not easy, but you can decide and learn to love not because of your feelings, but because Jesus commanded you to love and you want to obey Him. 

4 practical ways to love your spouse intentionally.

#1 Love Your spouse because you are married now – This is unconditional love and agape love, once you are married your love is no longer based on what your spouse did or did not do. You must just love your spouse simply because she is your wife, or he is your husband and nothing more. Most people who fall out of love in marriage based their love on the expectation that their spouse will meet their needs, make them happy, listen and be obedient and so many other reasons. Once those reasons are not met, they no longer feel loved. Our heavenly father has shown us what agape love is, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. If God was waiting for mankind to come back to their senses and become holy, there would be no salvation. We all will continue in our sinful ways and even still do now. Even now that you are saved by the grace of salvation, are men living perfectly holy lives? We continue to pursue perfection as God gives us the grace of repentance, should we fail. This is the kind of love that sustains a marriage. As a husband, you just love your wife because she is your wife, as a wife you just love him because he is your husband. That is why you must choose well before committing to a marriage. If you have a “but” that you cannot accommodate before marriage, it is better not to marry because that but will be exposed and even made bigger when you start living together. It is a choice you make and continually remind yourself. When I tell a few of my couple friends who hold me and my husband accountable some of the issues I went through, they sometimes gasp for breath and wondered why I still love my husband so dearly, despite the pain. The truth is, I just love him for who is to me, not because of what he has done and has not done. Adegoke Apalara is my husband and I am immensely proud to be his wife, I always tell my friends, I am the right woman for my husband, and he is the right man for me. Until you have this type of conviction, you will find it difficult to love unconditionally. 

#2 Support your spouse all the time – this is probably the greatest test of true love in any relationship. It is what makes people believe that someone absolutely loves them. I remember when I was growing up as a young girl, my mother would always tell me integrity is key and that the only reason she would ever deeply be disappointed in me, is when I am found to have failed the integrity test. I remembered I took some money out of her money box one day, she caught me red-handed, but I quickly threw the coin into muddy water outside of our house. My mum made me waddle through the puddle to look for this coin, but I could no longer find it. She then embarrassed me in front of my peers telling them I have stolen and people who steal will end up in jail. I could never forget the shame I felt and promised myself never to steal money again. Years went by and I was falsely accused by a neighbour of stealing some items because I had been to their compound along with other children. What love I felt when my mum showed up to defend me and supported me, she stood by my words and confronted my accusers. Upon her strong support and conviction, the accusers eventually found what they thought was lost and apologised profusely to me and my mum. What that taught me was a deep sense of love from my mum, she believed and supported me even in the face of being embarrassed in case the accusation was indeed a truth. This is what marriage needs, whether your spouse is right or wrong, you are there as a pillar of support, it proves you are reliable and can be trusted to come to your spouse’s rescue. If you must face embarrassing situations together do so, stand by your spouse in front of your friends, colleagues, family and defend their integrity. However, most marriages are not like this, husbands devalue their wives in the presence of their family, friends and colleagues and vice versa. When there are challenges or disagreement, as a spouse you refuse to show up for your partner because you are angry. That is not right and that does not show you know what love is. Love does not seek its own but seeks to comfort the other and it is even more real when it is not convenient. 

#3 Be present even when you do not feel like – there is nothing more reassuring for a spouse than to have the presence of your spouse when you need them the most. I appreciate the presence and not your presents, we all know how that feels when you have a party. If you invite people to a banquet and they all refuse to show up but send you a gift, I do not think that will be of value to anyone. Yet In marriages, we have seen husbands refusing to attend wife’s graduation ceremony because he did not want her to take the course in the first instance. A husband refusing to attend a baby’s naming ceremony because he did not want the baby, yet he was the one who impregnated the woman. A wife refusing to follow her husband to bury his parent because the family never did her any good. So many situations like this and it is so sad that it happens amongst Christians too. Can you imagine what the world would look like if the love of God for us is based on emotions? There would have been days when we would not have the sunrise because of our sins. God could remove the moon and stop the wind from blowing because we do not recognise him as Lord. God’s love is constant, and He shows up even when we are dead in our sins. When Adam and Eve sinned, God knew they had done a bad thing, yet He still called out to Adam. Even though as a just God, they got the consequences of their sins, God did not leave man to die forever. He was looking for ways to reconcile man back to Himself, and that meant He had to pay the price on the cross. What sacrifice are you making for love in your marriage? Once your spouse annoys you, you have checked out emotionally and physically. There is a cost to pay for love just as God laid down His life for man. Why can’t you lay down your pride, your ego, your worth and be selfless? Why do you think you must receive an apology before you make up? Are you bigger than God? It is because God never left us that we continue to love Him and revere Him. Be present in your marriage no matter how you feel, get up and show up when it matters. Be there and then resolve any emotions as soon as possible.

#4 Never without affection and sex – Love in a marriage is characterised by affection and intimacy. You cannot claim to love your spouse but do not act lovingly. Show of affection are indicators of the presence of love in a marriage relationship. Cuddling, holding hands, kissing, speaking with kindness and of course, lovemaking in a marriage shows there is love. Many couples once they argue, out goes lovemaking or any show of affection. I remember when I and my husband had an argument and he said to me, “I do not feel close to you”. But when we hold hands, kissed and make love the feeling of closeness returns as soon as possible. Emotions can get the best of us, but we can control our emotions. Feelings they say are not forever. Unfortunately, some couples allow negative feelings to fester thereby becoming a stronghold that destroys love in their marriage. I recently heard a “supposed marriage counselor” said to a man who was complaining of losing the feeling to be intimate with his spouse, the counselor’s response really took me by surprise. Instead of encouraging this man to engage in agape love and work on putting his feelings in check, he validated that feeling by saying “yes that’s how we men feel when we are angry”. This made the man continue to hold that negative and destructive emotion and ultimately refused to have any intimate or sexual relationship with his wife for over two years. What a waste and what a pity. When I heard this the image that came to my mind is that of a child crying and need to be pacified, the pacifier is what is needed to calm this baby, but do you know what!  the baby refused the pacifier and kept it away. Sex in marriage and emotional bonding is what couples need to engage to continue to prove their love and cement that love in a marriage. Do not withhold sex or affection, even when you are angry, allow yourself to be pacified by love. In marriage it is not being buttered up, I also heard a man saying when my wife and I engage in sexual activities, I feel am being buttered up. What do you expect in a marriage? Where else do you want to feel vulnerable? The ability to resist sexual advances is not a skill or gift needed in a marriage. If you are not yielding to sexual flirtations in your marriage, you are killing the passion and flame of love. If you are not falling for the skirt in your marriage, where else do you want to fall? 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse.

When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here! Subscribe

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to. 

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing. 

After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.

My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. Pre-order here