5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

5 common mistakes couples make in Marriage and how to avoid them

Many marriages that have collapsed today may have survived if they had avoided the common mistakes that couples make in a marriage. Many safeguards ensure, protect, and make a marriage work and prevent it from crashing during crises. Let us look at five of the common mistakes couples make in marriage. 

Lack of understanding you are different but equal partners.

Husbands and wives are equal and created equally to dominate and replenish the earth, but their outward form is different. Male and female God created them. Both males and females carried the same spirit of man and made in God’s image. However, due to the unique need and different roles God wants male and females to carry out, he physically makes them different. A man must understand that the woman is not inferior, but God has caused her to carry the womb and tender so she can nurture her young. 

A man must understand that the woman is not inferior, but God has caused her to carry the womb and tender so she can nurture her young.

A woman must know that the man is equal to her but made to be more muscular in physical appearance and mind because he needs to protect, provide and work to meet the needs and carry his family’s burden. When this basic understanding is missing in a marriage, the man may look at his wife as a soft and inferior because she is gentle and cries easily.

Suggested Read: How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

A woman may feel her husband is not good enough because he does not provide and meet his family’s needs and decides to relegate him or accept that he is the leader both in mind and physical strength. When both disagree, he may punish her mentally, psychologically, and for those who are reckless, they may go all the way to physical abuse. Couples who want to be successful in any marriage must avoid this mistake. We must realise and accept our differences and limitations and accept our equality and partnership to enjoy a peaceful and beautiful union. Your husband is an equal partner in your marriage, but he is different, and you cannot expect to relate with him as you would do to another female. 

Your husband is an equal partner in your marriage, but he is different, and you cannot expect to relate with him as you would do to another female.

As a female, you must learn how to connect to a man in a way he understands. How would you do that? You must know how men think and ask for support from a man? How does a man interpret your language and words? And so many other quarks that make a man a male specie. Husband:  your wife is an equal partner and has the same spirit of God and creative ability God has given to man. Your ability to recognise and accept your wife as a partner will help you respectfully relate to her. Her body structure and size have little to do with her ability to think and be creative. God created her to support you in all areas of life. Do you know how to relate to a woman? How does a woman perceive your actions? Is there any adjustment you need to make to ensure you and your wife understand each other? Only when a couple grasps this understanding of equality but different can they begin to operate as partners in their marriage. Marriage is a partnership, and when you accept your mutual roles, there will be less of power tussle and less of control and contradiction. 

Lack of understanding that marriage is roleless

Marriage is roleless, although there are typical roles that naturally falls on a man or woman in a marriage, these are the headship or leadership and childbearing roles. Every other function in a marriage can be performed by either couple, for example, housekeeping, funding, entertainment etc. Sadly, some of these roles have become stereotypical and hurting many homes. There is a lack of understanding that either spouse can function in any marriage capacity except for the creator’s fundamental roles. We know that most women know how to keep the home, become good cooks, and raise the children. Some men are great at cooking and love to do so but will not cook at home because they think it is their wife’s role to cook. 

Some men are great at cooking and love to do so but will not cook at home because they think it is their wife’s role to cook.

Some women are great at doing DIY projects and may love to do so but will resist because they fear that is the job of a man and will not want to explore their talent in that area for fear of upstaging their partner. Some spouses take up a role that people have put a label on as the job of another gender. They met with disapproval from society and exaggerated if the culture around them frowns at such roles. In my home country, if a man loves to look after his children or loves to clean his house, he will be expected not to do so once he becomes married because that is the wife’s job. I heard a story of a mother who frowned at her son who usually cooked for her while unmarried and asked why he made dinner for his wife? We need to begin to remove these barriers and make marriages a beautiful and safe place to be ourselves. If a man loves to cook, please go ahead and do so, cooking is not an exclusive role of a woman.

If a man loves to cook, please go ahead and do so, cooking is not an exclusive role of a woman.

Suggested Read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

 A woman loves driving and repairing mechanics; please feel free to do so, do not limit your creativity for the fear and label people placed on marriage roles. I will encourage husbands and wives to carefully consider taking up positions where they have interest, strength, and passion without fearing what people or society will say. It will significantly enhance your marriage; you will be happy doing what you like and have harmony and peace in your home. 

Lack of good role models and accountability

Many couples go into marriage without having a role model, a matured couple who are successful in their marriage that they can trust to be their go-to if they need advice and be accountable. In today’s business world, we have seen this importance as having a role model and holding responsibility. Whether small or big, an organisation that wants to succeed will have a board of directors to keep an eye on what the organisation is doing and alert them to risky decisions. Many couples have no one to hold them accountable, and it is even sad that many have no one to look up to as role models. It is a mistake to go into marriage and not agree to have a mentor and be accountable to someone you respect. 

It is a mistake to go into marriage and not agree to have a mentor and be accountable to someone you respect.

Why? Marriage is a treacherous journey, and at some point, along the way, the husband or wife needs guidance and someone they respect to correct, rebuke and direct them to make the right decisions. Please do not marry anyone male or female who has no one to admire and will submit to their authority or guidance when facing challenges. The bible says, in proverbs 11:14, “Where there is no guidance, a people fall, but in an abundance of counsellors, there is safety.” Create a safety net and prepare for success in your marriage by looking for a good role model; these cannot be your parents as they will be biased. Find wise matured, God-fearing, and loving couples who excelled in their marriage to mentor you. It is never too late to have mentors, but it is best to have them as you begin your marital journey. 

Assuming marriage success happens effortlessly

Marriage needs a lot of work, effort, dedication, resilience, and love to succeed. Loving your partner may look easy while you are just newly married, but experience has shown that no matter how much you may love each other, there will be challenges ahead. There will be days you will wake up and not feel you love this person you love all the while. What will hold you and your marriage together is knowing, understanding, and willingness to make your marriage work. Do not make a mistake believing you will love your spouse forever, or your spouse will always love you. You must be prepared to go through the phase and seasons of love. Just as we prepare for the seasons of life, we are not surprised when winter comes, we may not like winter, but we know it is coming, and we prepare for it. 

There is nothing like bad weather the Nordics say, but lousy clothing makes you suffer and not enjoy the weather.

There is nothing like bad weather the Nordics say, but lousy clothing makes you suffer and not enjoy the weather. So, are you prepared for the different phases in marriage? Do you know what these phases will be? Have you put in a place survival kit? Do not make the common mistake that love holds marriage forever. It is a mistake to assume marriage success will happen without putting in the effort, time, and commitment to make it happen. As best as you can, please avoid this mistake many have made, and thousands are still committing as they go into marriage based on love without commitment to make it work. 

Lack of having no plan to manage marital crisis

I certainly did not have a plan to manage crisis in my marriage when I married 18 years plus now. We were aware there will be challenges but did not put structures and support help to us manage our crisis. You are guaranteed in your marriage to face not one or two but many critical moments, and you will need to overcome these crises to emerge healthy and well bonded together. Many couples jump out of the furnace of purification during the cleaning process because they can no longer bear the heating and forging process. Every good and robust marriage you see today went though and survived marital challenges.

Every good and robust marriage you see today went though and survived marital challenges.

 Are you prepared to manage the crisis in your union? What are the coping strategies you will put in place? One of my mentees has agreed never to leave the bedroom and sleep separately if they ever get into an argument. Another couple decided always to end the day on a good note and try to resolve any misunderstanding within 24hrs. Other agreed, if there is a decision that the couple cannot agree on, they will hold that decision, and none of the couples can go ahead without concluding. These and many more safeguarding statements have helped many couples resolve issues quickly and prevent crises in their marriage. Please avoid having no plan to solve your marital problems; it is better to plan for an emergency than wait until the situation shows up. It will be too late to find a safe place if you wait for the rain to start before you find shelter.  What safeguarding statement will you put into place for you and your spouse to manage crisis today? 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Selflessness: learn to replace I with We in your marriage, your I -llness will become WE -llness

As we know it, marriage is giving and receiving. When both partners are giving and receiving love to and from each other; the marriage will be healthy. However, once one of the partners decides to withhold or begin to penalise or discount the other, there will be an imbalance and tilting of scales. This so often results in an unhealthy relationship where one partner is giving and desperately trying without the other’s commitment and dedication. 

A marriage’s success is predictable just as being able to unlock a door is predictable if one has the right key

A marriage’s success is predictable just as being able to unlock a door is predictable if one has the right key. The failure of marriage is also predictable just as one can expect to sweat and be frustrated when trying to open a door without the right key or no key at all. Many couples are approaching marriage this way, no clear guidance on what to do to get the keys needed to unlock marital bliss. Every success in any field of life is attained by following success principles. A person who will not follow the rigorous training to become a medical doctor will never become a medical doctor. They can dream about it, talk about, where the scrubs and practice being a doctor in their home, if they do not go for the training and passed the examinations, and they will never become a doctor. We have seen some fake doctors, and the results have been fatal. 

You can read: How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

Therefore, we must begin to learn how to attain marriage success.

Therefore, we must begin to learn how to attain marriage success. Many marriages as much as 50% are destined to end in divorce; the remaining 50% cannot be judged as successful as many hangs in there for many reasons other than being happy and fulfilled. To attain success in marriage, there must be a 100% commitment from both parties, and they must be willing to be selfless, remove focus from themselves and become a team. When couples are still relating to each other using the word I, there will be a problem. WE must be the language of any couple who wants to succeed. Whenever couples focus on I, it will result in an unhealthy relationship.

WE must be the language of any couple who wants to succeed.

One of the laws of marriage is to love each other. We all know that loving each other is easy at the beginning of a relationship. Still, as the euphoria wears out, the decision to love will determine that relationship’s success or failure. I fear, and it is obvious that the marriage vow is not taken seriously by most couple, “for better or worse” and by far many are not practising what they vowed. To love your spouse means determining to continue to love them in a good and bad situation. But what do we see, many spouses will stop loving attitudes once there is an argument or strife. When a couple cannot see themselves as a team and solve issues together to win, there will be an illness.

We must begin to approach marriage relations as a team; a house divided against itself will not stand.

We must begin to approach marriage relationship as a team; a house divided against itself will not stand. In a team, each team member support and will sacrifice for the team. One person cannot be a team by looking out for their own well-being alone. A husband must understand that if his wife is not ok, he is not ok too and so should a wife feel. The bible says husband and wife must become one flesh, which is the key. A husband must see and feel his wife’s pain; likewise, a wife must feel the pain and stresses her husband is passing through. Where couples cannot relate this way, they will not be able to work for each other’s good or protect their relationship. When couples understand that whatever happens to their spouse happens to them, they become more loving and respond lovingly. 

You can also read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

When couples understand that whatever happens to their spouse happens to them, they become more loving and respond lovingly.

On the other hand, many people are unaccepting of their spouse. I find it so concerning that some spouses still think their partner is an outsider and can leave them at any time. They have not embraced the permanency of the marital union, so they always create a gap or crack through which the enemy comes in to plunder their joys.  As husband and wife, please renew your mind and understand that you are one, no longer can you see yourself as I but WE. Learn to replace the I in your relationship with WE and see your relationship Illness turn to Wellness.

It is one of the secrets of good, happy and lasting marriages. You are no longer by yourself but a team with your partner.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How to be a Loving Wife to your Husband

In the bible, two primary laws underpin marriage success. Husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands. Love and respect go hand in hand; it is like a chicken before the egg or egg before the chicken. Whenever a husband genuinely and unconditionally loves his wife, I am pretty sure the wife will adore and much honour her husband. A wife full of adoration and honour for her husband will make him behave more lovingly towards his wife. These two acts go on to influence each other. However, where the issue has been for marriages in turmoil is when one partner is waiting to do their share because the other partner is not doing their role. People tend to pin the kick start of the relationship on the woman. Women are the ones that build the home and control the marriage’s atmosphere many cultures believe. 

A woman who loves her husband will honour, adore, and respect him.

However, women take this on, and some men take advantage of it. The woman is left to keep the marriage while her husband may not reciprocate. If this goes on, resentment and rebellion build up.  We have looked at how husbands can be loving to their wives in a previous post. Even though women are not asked expressly in the bible to love their husbands, generally we are all called to living a loving and caring life. Hence, a woman who loves her husband will honour, adore, and respect him.

You can also read: How to be a loving husband to your wife

Below are four ways women can become loving wives to our husbands.

Accept your husband as your man

1 Corinthians 11:8 says for man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. Understanding that in our marriage as women, we are made to be the helpmeet of our husbands can help us simplify our role. I must tell you being a helpmeet does not come naturally, but through searching and asking God, we can devote our lives to serve and support. As a wife, our role is to support our husbands and do what they may not do or do not want to do. 

As a wife, our role is to support our husbands and do what they may not do or do not want to do.

This can be tricky when a man does not do his responsibility as a man and the head. When a man leaves all his responsibility to the woman, she becomes her own husband and a wife at the same time. It takes understanding and wisdom to choose to honour and submit in that situation deliberately. Unfortunately, this is the scenario in so many marriages, making it uneasy for the woman who bears the burden to continue to endure hardship and still be loving. However, we can ask for grace and wisdom to still find ways to love and honour our husbands. Why do we need to do that? Because we are subject to God’s authority and order. If a woman refuses to accept her husband as her man, he will not become the man she wants him to be. 

If a woman refuses to accept her husband as her man, he will not become the man she wants him to be.

I will encourage women to ask for the grace to continue to hold their husbands in high esteem because of our role as the wife. Remember you are a wife because of that man, and our main task is to honour and support him to be the best God has called him to be. Without our acceptance of our role and the order, we risk behaving unlovingly to our husbands.

Ensure that his physical, emotional, and sexual needs are met

Men need help and hence the reason God made us their helpmeet. If you ask a man if he needs help, some would probably say no am ok by me. Yes, a man may be ok by himself, but he cannot fulfil the mandate to dominate the world as God commanded without a woman. For example, a man cannot reproduce without a woman’s help. So as women, we are to ensure we help our husbands fulfil the commands God has given them. We must see that our husbands are well cared for, look for his wellbeing, comfort, and rest. Nothing a man wants more than coming home to a nice dinner, well prepared and served just for him. We can also be the loving wife our husband desire is to be a refuge for his emotional support. Men care so much about their emotions, and if tinkered with, they will withdraw it completely. 

Men care so much about their emotions, and if tinkered with, they will withdraw it completely.

Therefore, we must learn how to respond to our husbands’ feelings and emotions.  Men and women express and manage emotions differently, to be able to understand men, we must enter their world. I recently read the bestselling book by John Gray – ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’. This book provides excellent and great insights into how men and women process emotions. It gives women practical ways to support men and be a safe place of refuge for our husbands’ feelings. We cannot overemphasise the need to meet our husband’s sexual needs. Sex is for marriage and should be enjoyed by both spouses. However, research has shown that men often have a higher sex drive than women, although not in all cases. There are exceptions where some men have reduced libido. Men love sex and would do anything to have sexual satisfaction and release. A loving wife would make sex enjoyable and be available to satisfy her husband. 

A loving wife would make sex enjoyable and be available to satisfy her husband.

Our goal ladies should be to make our husbands be ravished with our love, such that he is running back home to have a good sexual experience. Good sex has more to do with intimacy rather than the act itself. How you make your husband feel before, during and after sex has a lot to do with how much you love him. There are so many ways: men can make this happen because it does take two to tango. We will look at that in the future; this post is for us women. Let there be so much love in your heart for your husband; it will reflect your sexual experience.  

Speak with a soft tone and respect

Words are powerful, and with our words, we can build up our husbands or ruin them. You know, as women, we are blessed with the gift of words. Most women have their way with words. This is an area of challenge for me, and the Lord has helped me grow and mature. Most women have small frames compared to their husbands, we may not be able to abuse our husbands physically, but we are experts at verbal abuse and damage.  A loving wife will speak with a loving tone and respect. It is often not what we say that gets to our husband but more to do with how we said it. 

It is often not what we say that gets to our husband but more to do with how we said it.

A gentle response turns away, wrath the Bible admonished. I agree some people are naturally quiet, lowly and meek, oh how I wish I were softly meek naturally.  However, having a bubbly and extroverted temperament, does not mean we cannot be gentle and submissive. The Bible says, tame your tongue; we have to be soft and respect our husbands. We are often cautious and respectful to other men, yet we may have allowed familiarity to breed contempt with our spouse. To be a loving wife, we have to honour and respect our husband deliberately and reflect that in our speech, tone of voice and attitudes.

Suggested Read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Focus on making your home a safe place to return to for your husband

A home is welcoming, warm, happy and safe. We can have a big house furnished to a great taste but not a home. The dictionary defines a home as a place where someone lives permanently and a house as a building where people live or meet. You can move from house to house and make it your home. As a loving wife, we must never let our home become just a house or a hell for our husband. 

As a loving wife, we must never let our home become just a house or a hell for our husband.

If we have this at the back of our mind, we will respond with love even when we misunderstand each other, because we want our husbands to come home to a peaceful place. If the argument or issue will cost your peace, it is too expensive, and the price is too high to pay. We must learn to guard your home’s harmony; a loving family is a peaceful home. Let your husband come home to a quiet place no matter what he may have gone through outside. One significant way we unintentionally make our home unpleasant is being a contentious wife.  Oh, we must do all to avoid being contentious. Proverbs 25:24 paints the picture well “it is better to live outside and exposed to elements than inside and exposed to the abuse of a controversial and quarrelsome wife.

Loving is a choice, and it requires intentionality, knowledge, and sacrifice. Women, we are equipped with the capacity to love and I know many circumstances affect our loving attitudes. However, let us choose to love anyway; it may turn cold husbands’ hearts and save our marriages.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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How to be a loving husband to your wife

I have often come across and spoken to men who want to love their wives and cherish them but do not understand what they are doing wrong, even though they are doing their best. I have realised that their actions may not convey the very message of love they are trying to pass on to their wives. The way we receive love is the natural and more comfortable approach; we often want to reciprocate that love. It can become difficult and frustrating for a man trying to show his wife love but doing so the manner he understands. For example, showing a man love can mean giving him space to be alone for some time when he feels being sucked in or choked by life. Yet a man trying to show love to his wife by staying away when she is in deep distress may have just shot himself in the foot.

Most women’s very nature is to find a pillar of support to lean on when their world is turning upside down.

Most women’s very nature is to find a pillar of support to lean on when their world is turning upside down. A spouse being there to understand, help, and comfort would mean the world to her. These differences are why men and women find it difficult to understand each other initially and loathe one another as time goes by in a marriage. But the moment a wife or husband understand the mystery of speaking and giving love the way, their partner wants to be loved, the moment they become inseparable and best friends.

This understanding comes easily and naturally for most people if they have been exposed to women and pick up these traits. Other men may not have paid attention to these traits or refuse to develop and deploy them in their marriage. When a man lacks the skills to love the way a woman desires, the result is then determined by their commitment to making that marriage work. If the man wants to keep his marriage, he quickly begins to learn and apply these pearls of wisdom. Sadly, not in many cases, as we can see in divorce rates and physical violence, leading to the dissolution of marriages.

Suggested Read: Trust Me – two powerful words that can make or break your marriage

One of the many ways to become an expert in any area is by study and applying knowledge and skills gained.

Therefore, men must learn how to love and express love to women in the language women understand and desire. One of the many ways to become an expert in any area is by study and applying knowledge and skills gained. Learning does not mean one has no knowledge or does not know what one is doing; it is simply becoming better at what we are doing. Therefore, I will encourage men to begin to find out and apply how to truly love a woman to satisfy and bring harmony into their marriage.

Below are four tips to becoming a loving husband.

Always Take Decisions Together as a couple 

When you are careful to consider your spouse when making plans and taking decisions, she will always feel cherished and respected. Many men act autonomously and expect their wives not to lift a finger without their knowledge. If as a leader, you are not leading by example, you are not leading correctly. The action they say speak louder than voice. Let me share this story with you. As a parent, I have been trying to get my teenage daughter to create a schedule and keep it even during this pandemic. I have spoken about it many times, but the day I brought my schedule and showed her, we analyse how it has been helping me keep sane, and in order, it made an impact. I was shocked to see her make a drastic change the very next day. 

If as a leader, you are not leading by example, you are not leading correctly.

Do unto others what you want others to do unto you is a guide that can help husbands love more but when it comes to an understanding a wife, you cannot apply what satisfy you as a man. We must apply what works and resonate with the woman, which comes with knowing. The first point is to ask our spouse how they like to receive love. Be vigilant to record actions that make them feel love and repeat those actions. Don’t make decisions that will affect the family without consulting your spouse. 

Accept your spouse as your equal partner in the marriage

Many cultures and traditions have made some men have beliefs that are detrimental to their marriage success. Some men believe they are superior to their wives because they are the head or the breadwinner. This attitude can make them demean their wives, which does not convey a loving attitude. 

Some men believe they are superior to their wives because they are the head or the breadwinner.

Jesus was equal to God, but He did not consider that glory, He laid it down to become a man like us to relate with us lovingly. Let us imagine God comes down in His full glory, and I doubt if anyone will be able to fellowship with Him as Jesus’s disciples did. Jesus is a servant leader; He is the role model for leadership with equity. He ate the last supper and washed His disciples’ feet. He never let them feel his weight as God, but He ravished them with His love. This made the disciples leave everything to follow and even become martyrs for the Kingdom. Love your wife and relate with her without making her feel inferior. The truth is women are not inferior as the world may have made it to be because women are not created as inferiors but a suitable helpmeet. Male and female He created them to rule and dominate the world together. 

Treat your wife with dignity in front of your family and friends

I heard someone preach on marriage recently, he mentioned you must become “wife biased” to know you love your wife as you should. People around you should be able to commend you for the way you protect your wife in her presence or not. 

A man that disgraces his wife disgraces himself too.

A loving husband will protect his wife and not speak ill of her or insult her in any way. Leaving your wife stranded or exposing her weaknesses to your family and friends will not portray you as a loving husband. Learn to shield your spouse’s shortcoming in public and then go into your bosom to discuss it. A man that disgraces his wife disgraces himself too.

You must learn to listen to your wife with interest

Women love to share their feelings and talk, a thing woman need, not just a want. If a car needs petrol to function the way the manufacturer had stated when you purchased it. If you decide petrol is not a smell you like and you cannot be going to the fuel station to refuel as often as the car needs fuel, you can never enjoy the ride. Women need to talk about their day, they want to involve you in their activities, and as a loving husband, you must learn to be involved. You cannot say, “that is not my thing”, yes talking in detail may not be your need but it is her need, and you ought to be present to show you are loving. Loving is giving not receiving as most people tend to believe. To love is to lay down yourself for another. So, if you want to love that woman and you love her as you claim, what have you laid down for her sake? 

You can also read: 3 reasons marriages are suffering and plagued with troubles

Loving is giving not receiving as most people tend to believe.

These are fundamental truths and behaviours that show loving attitudes. Although for so many men, they have been misled to believe giving money, roses and sex mean love. They may work for a while, but deep, lasting love grows into attitudes and actions that follow. If money was all the love that can make a woman happy, then millionaires should not be having issues. If sex was all the love a woman needs, then those stallions should not divorce, and if pecks and shallow expression of love were enough, many marriages would not dissolve straight after the honeymoon. 

Why not decide to learn how to love and love so deep that nothing would be able to separate you and your spouse in your marriage today. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Be intentional about your marriage; success and failure of marriage are predictable.

Be intentional about your marriage, success and failure of marriage are predictable.

Focus and intention are qualities that separate successful people from unsuccessful people. Some people have no purpose or motive to make their marriage peaceful, rewarding, and enjoyable. Should you ask many couples today if they ever had the intention and were focussed on making their marriage a haven? Many people will probably not be able to answer that question easily. I certainly wanted a happy marriage, but I cannot categorically state that it was my mission and focus from the onset. I had it at the back of my mind, but never really discussed it or made it a focal point or topic of discussion. Things we do not put at the front burner of our lives tend to recede into the very far corner, and we end up losing focus on what we ought to exactly put our focus on. 

The husband asked his wife to allow their home to be a peaceful haven for him to come back to each night

Recently I read an article on a couple who had been married for seven years, they were quizzed on the secret of their happiness in the marriage so far. The husband asked his wife to allow their home to be a peaceful haven for him to come back to each night. Therefore, whenever there was an issue that threatens the peace he so desired, he weighs the pros and cons of losing his peace. Hence he was able to make sound judgement and react accordingly. Given this perspective and focus, it was difficult for him to burst into arguments or scream at the top of his voice when offended. Why? Because he knew he would be disrupting the peace he was after. The wife also made her request, and this was that she would appreciate her husband’s support and encouragement in following her dreams. She had a focus and ability to create a peaceful and loving home just as her husband was her greatest cheerleader. They were both fulfilled and had a reason to ensure they resolve any threats to their marriage. 

Whatever we set out to do with intentionality keeps us in check and aligned with our goals and objectives

Oh, how I wished I had such an intention at the start of my marriage. Whatever we set out to do with intentionality keeps us in check and aligned with our goals and objectives. For example,  many clashes in marriages could be resolved effortlessly, where the couples were intentional about keeping the peace. An argument over money which cannot buy peace would have been quenched easily by resolving the money issue rather than the couples turning on each other’s attitude or began a cold war. Challenges such as intrusions from in-laws or friends would be unblurred if the couple was intentional about keeping their intimacy. They will surely resist intervention and keep their marriage bond intact. 

Suggested Read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Success in marriage is not pure luck at all.

However, where there is no vision, people cast off restraint the bible says. In many instances where the couples are not intentional about loving each other through thick and thin, there is bound to be a failed marriage. Success in marriage is not pure luck at all. It requires commitment, dedication, getting up and showing up when one does not feel like doing so and focus on making the marriage enjoyable. Why not begin this new year with a focus and determination to make your marriage work. Once you know where they are going and what you want in a marriage, it is quite easy for you to identify and say no to things and people that will take you to another destination. It is just like waiting at a bus stop going to a particular destination, no matter how long it takes to wait for the bus heading to your destination, you will wait for it. Only a fool and someone who has no idea of where they were going will get to a bus stop and jump on another bus because their bus is taking too long to arrive. Why? Because they will never get to their destination if they get on another bus. However, should someone not have a place in mind already, they will be unable to decide which bus they will enter. They can jump any bus and take them anywhere because they never had any destination in mind. What happened to such people is they become frustrated; they cannot measure their success because they have no measure in the first instance. 

You can also read: 7 things you can do together as a couple to strengthen your

Do not begin your marital journey without a clear focus of what you want from that marriage.

Do not begin your marital journey without a clear focus of what you want from that marriage. If you have already begun and have been married but frustrated because you never had focus or intention, it is not too late, to start with, a good destination in mind. May I suggest – a happy, peaceful, and beautiful marriage? You then decide what you need to do to make your relationship happy. It is not going to be an easy ride but with focus and intention, you can get off the wrong bus and the moment you decide to get on the right bus, you are on your way to your destination. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

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Trust Me – two powerful words that can make or break your marriage

A husband will thrive and do well when his wife trusts him completely and allow him to be the man he wants to be. A wife will be happy when her husband trusts her and accept word spoken as they are without any hint of doubt or mistrust. Men do not want to have a feeling of inadequacy and the moment a wife does not trust or have full confidence in her partner’s ability to provide, care or make a decision, the level of trust invested diminishes. To trust someone means you can rely on them, you have full confidence in their abilities, character, and integrity. Trust is gained by being tested, saying these two-word ‘TRUST ME’ will not suddenly make someone to trust you. Trust is won and bestowed when tested.  

Suggested Read: Is your marriage relationship dull and gloomy? Read this before your quit!

Recently I was reflecting on some of the reasons why I have a firm conviction that I married my husband. During our courtship, my boyfriend then now my husband was to pick me up from University, we had been told to go home due to a general strike. In those days mobile phones were not prevalent, we had agreed the date and time over a landline. However, that day came, almost everyone had left, and just a handful of students left in the hostel. At around 7 pm, the last bus for that day was leaving campus yet, my boyfriend had not shown up. I was torn between being left stranded on a remote campus and trusting that he will keep his promise and show up. 

Being young lovers, I trusted him to find his way down somehow. The last bus left, campus almost empty and darkness descended; then a headlight shone through the path. Behold it was my boyfriend indeed. He was so pleased I had trusted and waited for him, even though there was no means of communicating or updating each other, as we would nowadays.

He narrated the ordeal he had gone through to source fuel and then travelling to where I was. He also struggled with the thought that, I might assume he wasn’t going to show up. But he trusted I will wait for him and couldn’t afford to disappoint. I was grateful that I waited and trusted him, even though I face the danger of being left alone in an almost empty hostel on a remote site. I could only imagine the disappointment if I had left and he got there to meet no one after all the effort and ordeal! We were both pleased, happy and secure that we trusted each other. That event laid a strong foundation of trust in our relationship. 

Why am I sharing this story with you? 

Trust is the bedrock of a long-lasting marital relationship but, it is built by being tested. Failure in keeping promises closes the account of trust in a marriage or any other relationship. As a husband, you cannot lead a spouse you do not trust, and as a wife, you cannot follow a leader you cannot rely on.

Husbands and wives must protect their trust accounts by integrity and stability under pressure. If you break the trust, your spouse may forgive you, but it does not mean the account of trust will be restored in an instant. 

Forgiveness is not the restoration of trust; it means I give a chance to trust again. Trust is gained and restored over time, but it will be very difficult to rebuild than maintained.

The good news is, trust can be rebuilt, it will be harder each time you have to rebuild trust and it takes longer too. Yet, without trust, it is impossible to please each other. Stop blaming your spouse for not trusting you when you have failed to be trustworthy. When someone has let us down so many times, we may find it difficult to trust them again. It is easier not to trust someone who is not your spouse but, in a marriage that will survive and be happy, husbands and wives must keep learning to trust each other over and over again. 

Hebrews 11:6 says, without faith, it is impossible to please God. Why? Because you must first believe and trust that God exists even though you cannot see Him. 

Trust is like faith, it is like wifi that connects to the internet, but we cannot see it. We must have faith to continue to trust our partner if we want to remain connected as husband and wife in a loving relationship. Therefore, learn to trust your partner and learn to keep your promises, it helps to build trust. Guard your trust, it is a great virtue needed for a beautiful marriage. Remember trust is gained in times of need, especially when your spouse is not worthy of your intervention. When we rise above our feelings of inadequacy or judgement and we learn to be a supportive spouse, our partner will learn to trust us again. On the contrary, this is counter-intuitive because when someone lets us down, we want to withdraw our trust, support, and allow them to face the consequences, that can only worsen the situation and breed mistrust. 

You can also read: Principles of Marriage:  FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

If you are single, DO NOT marry someone you do not trust now and cannot trust in the future. Remember you cannot lead someone who does not trust you, neither can you follow someone you do not trust. 

Lastly, be a trustworthy spouse, trust is not won by mere request. I have heard many people say, “trust me”. No, we cannot request trust, it is earned, proven, and attained when we are stable under pressure and found trustworthy when tested. 

I pray your marriage will rest on a trustworthy foundation. Amen.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

YOU’RE NOT THE PERSON I MARRIED _IG

YOU’RE NOT THE PERSON I MARRIED?

When I got married to my husband, I was of a small frame and stature, fast forward seventeen years from then to now, I have changed and gained a healthy weight.Some of you are so lucky that you remain the same size, after so many years unlike some of us..

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Marriage Code versus Highway Code (Part Two)

Have you ever wondered why there are highway codes and traffic rules to be obeyed by anyone who wants to drive a car? It is to prevent chaos on the roads, keep the driver safe, and keep other drivers and pedestrians safe. Imagine for a second, anyone and everyone can drive on any side of the road they choose. If it seems good to them, they can just take to the roads and start driving. Have you formed a mental picture of what the road would look like? This is exactly the state of many families, marriages, and societies where there are no laws or laws that are not upheld, people cast off restraints…. We are continuing the marriage code and highway code part two, if you haven’t read part one, please click here.  According to the Highway Code for Marriage by Michael and Hillary Perrott, there are seven letters in the word CAREFUL which are vital for the success of any marriage. We have discussed the first three letters C stands for Communication; A stands for Affection and R stands for Respect. Let us look at the remaining acronym that makes up the word CAREFUL in a marriage.

Encouragement

Encouragement is a special skill and one of the secrets of good and thriving marriages. Everyone wants to be encouraged, everyone needs encouragement in a family, even your children. Learn how to encourage your spouse, support, and never criticise. This does not come naturally to some people, especially if they have been criticised and judged all their life. Make it a law in your marriage, I must not discourage and wear down my spouse, no matter how terrible and horrible the outcome of his or her actions. Encouragement brings hope, it gives them the courage to do better. I always watch the London marathon and love to do so because of the support and encouragement we give to runners. Even though they have been running for miles, they are tired and still have miles to go, the moment we shout out their names “go, Mark, you are doing great”. I always see the boost of energy and feeling of – “I can do this” that comes over them. Even though we do not know them personally, just calling out their names meant a great deal. Many marathon runners attest to the crowds’ power of encouragement.  How much more hearing a word of encouragement from the one you love. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness brings peace to your marriage and everyone couple wants a peaceful marriage. The secret to peace in your marriage is the ability to forgive. Forgive or fester and the result of festering is costly. I remember during my driving lessons, my instructor will say give way first, even if you have the right of way. Always assume all other drivers are mad. It did not make much sense then, because that was not what I was taught driving in Nigeria. It is who can put their head in first. Now with this law of giving way first, driving in England is pleasure, there seems to be orderliness and less gridlock unlike my driving experience in Nigeria. Why is that so, it prepared my heart to give in first, which is forgiveness. Why many marriages fail is because of lack of forgiveness, inability to let go. I am right, you must apologise, you must face the consequences of your actions, all of these make marriage a hell on earth. The marriage code here is – if I do not forgive, I will not have peace in my marriage. Many people are holding the peace they desire by refusing to forgive their spouse. If you can give way when driving, you can forgive your spouse or anyone at all.

Suggested Read: Love in marriage is a decision more than an emotion

Unselfishness

Unselfishness brings joy and harmony when two people in a marriage are looking out for the good of the other and not themselves. It is important to check why you get married to your spouse. Sometimes people get married because they want to get not because they want to give. Where this is the case, selfishness will be the order of the day. When one person continues to give and serve and does not get treated well, there comes troubled marriage. Are you being selfish in your marriage? You must be determined to be unselfish because, as human beings our default nature is selfishness. That is why you must make it a highway code and law in your marriage. We will not be selfish in this area, that area, and so many other ways we have been selfish. Make a list, start with sexual intercourse. It only a selfish man that will be satisfied sexually and ignore his wife’s sexual satisfaction. This is not uncommon am sure you will agree with me. Make it a law, write it down, discuss it, and abide by it. 

Loyalty

Loyalty backing each other up, being there for each other no matter the situation. The marriage vows encapsulate what it means to be loyal in your marriage. “For better for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health till death we do part”. These vows are taken in the presence of God and family, yet many do not take it seriously or with any gravity. When a spouse withdraws affection from their partner because of one issue or the other, then they are not loving for worse. You are only doing for the better. When a wife refuses her husband’s sexual intimacy for one issue or the other then you are not in it for worse. I mean where there are domestic abuse and violence, the marriage is damaged, and we cannot expect loyalty in this case. However, before a marriage degenerates into a state like that, it is because most of the laws of marriage have been broken, to remain loyal of course will be difficult. It is, therefore, the most important and if I might say, the first law couples should hold paramount in their marriage. Loyalty keeps love in a marriage, loyalty can save a wrecked marriage. Make it a law, this marriage must work, and we will do all we can to keep our union intact. 

There are many benefits of having an intact marriage, and it is worth following a marriage highway code to guide you on your marital journey.  For many of us who are driving safely on roads today, we learned how to drive. We were patient, we listened to instructions and invested money to learn how to drive. After leaning and passing the driving test, we apply for a license to drive, there are traffic fines to enforce the highway codes. A driving license is renewed after a certain number of years. All these point us to the fact that we need to abide by rules and code of conduct. 

There is no organisation you will go to that do not have their code of conducts. Create a code of conduct for your marriage, do not assume you can behave well in your marriage if the society does not allow nor trust you to behave well elsewhere. Marriage crises today are due to lack of training, lack of code of conducts, lack of policing or enforcement and the attack of the enemy. We cannot be ignorant of the devices of the enemy but most times, spiritual attribution of marital failures is not always the case. Simple knowledge of knowing how to do marriage can resolve most of the marital challenges we face. 

Let us move from unintentional marriage to intentional marriage. Let us have purposeful marriages and I am very convinced, happiness and joy from each home that gets marriage right will individually begin to repair our society. So how do you begin to create your marriage code of conducts? Read books, go to marriage conferences, have mentors and a coach and so on. 

I have some recommendations below, the authors have not paid me, but these resources have been useful in my marriage. 

I will also recommend my book that will be out soon – “Marriage Expectation vs Reality”. One of the reasons marriages are failing is also attributed to a lack of information on what marriage means, why we get married and the purpose of marriage. We all know why we go through years of education. It is to better our lives and therefore we endure all the training required to become an expert in our career. This book is packed full of information needed to make a marriage work.

Apart from reading books, go on marriage courses, retreats and conferences. Many couples who are enjoying their marriages today are those investing in their marriage before it breaks down. There is the need for maintenance in a marriage, do not wait until a crack shows up before you repair your marriage. It may be late and the crack on the surface means there is much more below the surface. Act in time, do not wait for an issue to arise in your marriage. 

I hope you will work on your marriage for your children, your spouse, yourself and society. We can change our world one person at a time, by changing our marriage. Make your marriage a haven of peace, joy and love by intentionality. 

Get your marriage highway code set up before you start the journey of a lifetime called marriage. 

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here

marriage_code_vs_highway_code(1)

Marriage Code versus Highway Code (Part One)

Have you ever wondered why there are highway codes and traffic rules to be obeyed by anyone who wants to drive a car? It is to prevent chaos on the roads, keep the driver safe and keep other drivers and pedestrians safe. Imagine for a second, anyone and everyone can drive on any side of the road they choose. If it seems good to them, they can just take to the roads and start driving. Have you formed a mental picture of what the road would look like? This is exactly the state of many families, marriages and societies where there are no laws or laws are not upheld, people cast off restraints. 

There are no written rules, or codes written specifically on how to do marriage, husband and wife are to determine how they would like to manage their marriage. There are two main laws of marriage in the bible, but these laws must be interpreted by each person in a marriage. The first is, husbands love your wives and the second, wives submit to your husbands.  Marriage is a relationship and therefore it seems difficult to have set rules or codes. But given the state of many marriages and stories from many couples, intervention is required to help set marriages on a happy course again.   In as much as we cannot determine how each person will behave in a marriage, we can help marriages by learning the skills required for relationship building. We can put in place codes and laws that successful couples have found useful. 

Even though we are different and have different personalities, with guidance in place, many people have been able to work together, especially when there are rules and regulations. The social media groups, for example, have shown us that rules and regulation can help us live together in harmony even though we have differences. In social media groups where there are no rules, people say hurtful things, abuses and often tear down whoever asks for their opinion. Whereas in other groups where ground rules were set and controlled, people seem to abide and treat each other with respect, they comment respectfully and build up instead of the opposite. These show that rules and regulations are needed to control human relationships. Unfortunately, marriage has not been seen to require these types of rules and regulations. However, many successful marriages today, especially most that were previously on the path to divorce but decided to work on their marriage, stated that they followed a set of rules and regulation in their marriage. 

In marriages where couples have failed to set up rules and codes and obey them, it has been chaotic and unhappy. It is therefore important to have marriage highway codes and follow them in your marriage to avoid accidents and failures. We cannot continue to leave the success of a marriage in the hands of a woman. “A wise woman builds her home” is the big club that has been laid on the back of many women whose marriage may be struggling. What about having a wise man builds his home?  Imagine driving your car on the road, as a driver who obeys rules and regulation while other drivers can drive as they like without obeying the rules, I doubt you will be able to drive successfully and safely on the road. It is therefore important that we move from seeing marital success dependence on being a wise woman alone. 

Many factors in a marriage make it work and most times, women want their marriage to work but they cannot build alone. Therefore, a man must also desire to work for his marriage, be willing to follow rules and regulations. The society must encourage both men and women to develop and have rules and regulations in their marriage. There are many resources out there now which have been proven and tested by couples and who is in the best position to teach, if not those who have experienced it. 

There are many books written which I encourage couples to read together, look at what may be the cause of troubles in your marriage. Then work together and come up with your marital highway codes and laws. I read a book called The Highway Code for Marriage by Michael and Hillary Perrott. They wrote this book because their marriage was full of arguments and misunderstandings in the beginning, rather than pack up the marriage, they were determined to make it work and came up with the marriage highway codes just like the driver’s highway code. The result is their marriage was revived and now they have counselled other couples using the same principles. They concluded that good marriages do not just happen, it requires following rules and regulations, being disciplined and learning how to do marriage. 

I and my husband have been married for a while and I have experienced amazing times and not so good times in the last 17 years we have been married. I have realised that the periods we were most happy in our marriage were times when we loved and respected one another and the times when we had challenges were periods when we threw caution to the wind. Using the Perrott’s Highway code, our challenging times were when we decided not to be careful in our marriage. When we decided there are no ABCs or 123s of doing marriage. According to the highway codes, there are seven letters in the word CAREFUL which are vital for the success of any marriage. 

Communication

Communication is key to having a loving relationship. The moment any couple decides to relegate communication to anyhow, their marriage will suffer. Communication is both an art and a skill and must be present as a rule in any marriage. Couples please have a highway code on how you communicate in your marriage and respect it. For example, one of the myths and mistake some married couples make is the feeling that “if my spouse loved me, he or she would understand me”. Understanding comes from continuous communication and the ability of each spouse to express themselves effectively. Most couples in a difficult marriage are not communicating, there you will find silent treatment, stonewalling, and lack of transparency. Secrecy in marriage is lack of communication, how then do you expect your spouse to understand you? Communication brings light to your marriage. if your marriage is in a dark place right now, choose to communicate, it will not be easy but see it as a highway code you must adhere to. No matter how much we are in a hurry while driving, we are careful not to move when the traffic light is red. To do so means risking your life and that of others. 

Affection

Our experiences in life directly affects what level of affection we can give and how we receive affection. Affection a feeling of liking and caring for someone and tender attachment. Marriage is for affection and couples have come together in a marriage because they like and care for each other. Therefore, it must be a vital ingredient in a marriage. Where affection and love are smothered, there you will find the opposite, cold and strife. You must be deliberate about showing affection to your spouse. Men and women want affection and if for any reason you are not so good at showing affection, you must learn how to. For example, I had to learn how to drive on the right side of the road when I relocated to England. Even though I had learnt how to drive on the left side of the road for years and grew up knowing driving on the left in Nigeria, I did not insist on driving on the left in England. To do so will be putting my life and that of others in danger. I took driving lessons for months, did the theory and practical test with instructors. It was not free, I had to make time for it and paid the instructor, it was not cheap. I passed my driving test after two attempts; I know a few friends who eventually passed after 10 attempts. We can do the same in our marriages, without showing affection your marriage will lack oil of joy and happiness. 

Respect

Brings dignity to your marriage. Lack of respect has been a major cause of problems in marriages and the misunderstanding of what respect is. The world’s view and cultural connotation of who gives respect and who needs respect have exacerbated it. Respect is dignity, respect is admiration and respect are reciprocal. When we abide by the laws of the land, we often say respect yourself and respect the law. If we can see the need to respect laws and rules in everyday aspects of life, why do we think we can choose to disrespect our spouse and get away with it?  Men and women in a marriage must respect themselves and respect each other. Now the issue most people probably are facing is knowing what respect is and how to give it. That is why as a husband or wife, you must find out what respect means, you can also let your spouse know how you want to be respected. For some men, respect means kneeling and worship, for another that might not mean he is respected at all. It may just be gentle, getting up to welcome him with a hug when he returns home. That is why what works for couple A may not necessarily work for couple B. The bottom line though is the same, men and women want and need respect. Now is the time to sit down with your spouse and establish your respect highway codes and abide by it.

We have looked at the first three letters in the word CAREFUL this week. We will be discussing the remaining four letters as it related to the success of your marriage. Don’t miss it!!!

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counsellors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married.