I am sure you have heard countless stories of identical twins who look the same physically yet different in personality and character. My sister and I look so much alike that our friends often mistake us for each other. I can see many differences between myself and my sister, and I still get excited when I meet someone face to face or on my social media profile. They immediately can recognise I have a sister that looks like me. Even though people may look alike, they are never the same; everyone is unique. The bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Therefore, there can never be another you; even our fingerprint confirms this.
Therefore, there can never be another you; even our fingerprint confirms this.
Consequently, when two people come together in holy matrimony, their marriage is unique. The behaviours and personality are universal to the populace, but the specific way they interact is unique to each couple. We cannot compare our marriage to another person; neither should we compare our spouse. If you evaluate your marriage based on someone else, you are setting yourself up to become vain or bitter., for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
“If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” Max Ehrmann
We must understand that when two couples put under the same pressure are tested, their reaction may be predictable, but their response will be specific. For example, my husband does not make a fuss about food; he will gladly eat whatever is available and hardly make a special request for a particular meal or delicacy. On the other hand, I have friends whose husbands care a lot about food. Their meals must be freshly prepared or not acceptable. In my culture, women should know, food is the way to a man’s heart. So, wives are encouraged to prepare their husbands’ favourite delicacy when they are upset, and indeed, they will be happy with this gesture. Can you guess the reaction I might get if, when, I am trying to soothe my husband and cook a lovely meal? What works in family A and it’s a big deal may not work in family B.
What works in family A and it’s a big deal may not work in family B.
For example, there are many ways wives can apologise and pacify their husbands. For some, it is sex; ensure you find a way to seduce him, and having good make up sex will comfort him. Yet, for others, it is a sincere apology required for the matter to over. Yet, for another couple, they may not have found what I call the pacify button! Nothing works until the full vengeance is exacted out on each other. Therefore, offering any advice or applying what works in your marriage to another may not yield the same result. So my point is, to comfort one’s spouse is excellent and general; how you soothe your spouse should be specific and unique to your marriage. There has not been a marriage like yours, and there never will be another marriage like yours.
There has not been a marriage like yours, and there never will be another marriage like yours.
Common mistakes couples make are comparing and judging another marriage or spouse based on what they hear or see from another home. There are so many dynamics going on between the two people in a marriage. When two people in a relationship separate and marry someone else, they will never and can never reproduce the same dynamics as the previous marriage. Marriage studies have shown that second and third marriages’ divorce rate is even higher than first marriages. Ordinarily, our assumptions would have been that if someone has been through a divorce, they would not desire to repeat their mistakes and do their best to ensure the new marriage is better. However, this is not the case given the higher divorce rates of second and third marriages. A couple’s uniqueness will determine the relationship dynamics.
A couple’s uniqueness will determine the relationship dynamics.
The habits that one spouse may find a tick, maybe a stroll in the park for another. A spouse may be so forgiving on many levels and just one spot they are hung unto and cannot look past that. So, couples must recognise universal values, personalities and behaviours, and moral ethics that are general yet very specific when two of those come together in marriage. They will interact and pan out when people meet in a relationship with collision or absorption.
So, recognising the uniqueness you and your spouse bring to the table is vital; accepting and having a goal to produce a pleasing dynamic is what brings stability, joy and longevity to any relationship.
Unfortunately, many people sometimes believe that if they can be with someone else who has the character that may be lacking in their spouse, they will have a perfect union. That is why some people leave their marriage to marry a friend they have had a good relationship with for years, and once married, they become enemies. It is easier to love from afar because we cannot experience the constant daily dynamic in any other relationship than in a marriage.
To enjoy your marriage is to recognise that you and your spouse are unique, study your personalities, do a SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity and Threats) analysis and work together to create the environment you both desire.
Good marriages don’t fall from heaven; they are heaven made on earth.
Please let me know in the comment if you are blessed.
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Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.
Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.
My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here