As a mother of three beautiful children, I have numerous opportunities to train and influence them at every given opportunity: whether it is crossing the road or cooking together. I constantly use stories, pictures, and scenarios to explain and educate them as they grow. Children learn a lot by watching and getting involved than when we give them theories. Why am I sharing this with you? One of the scenarios I used recently to advise my children about the friends or company they keep affect their outlook in life goes like this. Mixing ten good eggs and accidentally adding one bad egg into the mix. Indeed, the rotten egg takes over and eventually will contaminate the ten good eggs. Also, adding one good egg will not make the bad eggs good if there are ten rotten eggs in the mix. To get a good egg mixture means we should only add good eggs to the mix.
The overall health of a marriage relationship is a result of the individual health of each partner.
The overall health of a marriage relationship is a result of the individual health of each partner. It is not uncommon for some emotionally deficient people in love, affirmation, and confidence to want to find these things in their marriages. They may be overly reliant on their partner to make them feel loved, wanted, and desirable. Many couples feed on each other’s emotions and energy, and where one person’s emotional health is not that great, it does have a massive impact on the other partner. When you have emotional baggage as an individual, it is very likely that if not dealt with, you will bleed on people around you and especially your spouse because they can see your weakness and vulnerability that you may overcompensate for outside of the home.
I do not want to lack or be in a position where I cannot meet my needs, so I am very eager to have a secure financial base.
There are a few touchy points that I could not identify by myself until I was bleeding on my spouse. When it comes to finances, I do not want to lack or be in a position where I cannot meet my needs, so I am very eager to have a secure financial base. I had at some point focused so much on having a safe financial position that I forget to consider the impact of my actions on my family. Having someone talk me through why I wanted financial security so much led me to discover, as a child, I had lacked not because we had no money but due to inadequate financial planning and no protection. Because of my childhood experience, I am very conscious of any financial lack and detest it, and it became my touchy point. Even though my husband and I have a good job and our finances are not bad, I seem to always push for investment and financial security; I want us to meet all our needs and lack nothing. Our finances became a conflict, and it was when I discovered the reasons for my desire for financial security, I was able to ask God to help me have a healthy appetite for financial security.
it was when I discovered the reasons for my desire for financial security, I was able to ask God to help me have a healthy appetite for financial security
Now that was my personal experience; I was afraid of not meeting my family needs even though I did not lack them at that point. I believe some of you might relate to this if you think deeply about why you hurt so much when someone say something or act in a way that triggers anger in you.
Couples have many pressure points, which always cause conflict and bring up emotional responses or trigger points. Such include, finance, intimacy, raising and disciplining children, respect and love etc. People have one emotional baggage or the other; it is the ability to recognise, accept and deal with it without spilling our anger, frustration and rejection over our spouse that will help us live a healthy life. Would you want to look deep and consider your emotional trigger point to see how your past experiences may have contributed to you becoming overly sensitive around a topic?
For some people who appear to be aggressive, it usually point to a deficit of love; they were never loved or celebrated by their parents, so they get irate when someone else is being celebrated and may not understand why? They are unable to rejoice or be happy when someone else achieves the best. They want to love but incapable of expressing loving attitudes because they weren’t loved. For others, it is fear of intimacy and the inability to be vulnerable with others. They may have been let down by friends or previous relationships where they were weak, and due to that adverse experience, they become closed and unable to trust their current spouse. They may be overly protectives, secretive and suspicious of their partner.
They want to love but incapable of expressing loving attitudes because they weren’t loved
Where there is no trust, there can’t be openness or vulnerability, and intimacy will be a mirage. Whatever your touchy point may be, you are not alone, please know that there are so many touchy points in our relationships. Identifying them is the first step, to become aware of areas where we reserve for ourselves and will not allow anyone else to visit that space. The depth and deprivation of emotional issues for some people are scared that they don’t want to explore it. However, we may have to confront our monsters before we can defeat them.
Where there is no trust, there can’t be openness or vulnerability, and intimacy will be a mirage.
So why not look inwards today? Some people may not be able to look at their emotional baggage themselves; it may take getting support from counsellors and being in a safe space where they can gently explore what haunts them without fear of judgment. I can assure you are not alone; everyone has an issue and area of weakness; willingness to seek help and acceptance will set you free. The word is God is a powerful tool to set us free.
I am a certified SYMBIS ASSESSMENT facilitator, and I would love to help you start your marriage right if you are getting married soon. If you are already married, I can also help you enrich your marriage by helping you and your partner understand how your personalities mesh. Saving Your Marriage Before IT Starts (SYMBIS) is a research-based questionnaire that couples take individually. We will generate a comprehensive report which I will help you unpack as your facilitator.
Research has shown that the couple who took the assessment reduced the divorce rate by 31%, saving one-third of couples whose marriage could have ended in divorce. Still, because they took the assessment, they were well prepared and avoided pitfalls while maximising the full potential of their relationships.
Would you mind clicking the link below to learn more about SYMBIS and how you can take the assessment and start enjoying your marriage? Take Symbis Assessment
Over 1,000,000 couples and 100,000 pastors and counsellors cannot be wrong: SYMBIS is the most widely used pre-marital assessment in existence. SYMBIS+ is excellent for already married couples.
What SYMBIS does is nothing short of revolutionary – Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages
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Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.
Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.
My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here