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Who would you consider your spouse to be: a friend, soulmate or housemate?

Gone are the days when we consider our friends as only those chosen few people we meet regularly, know each other inside out and possibly spend years building and nurturing our friendship. Nowadays, there are different kinds of friends, friends on social platforms, fans and social group families. Some people have loyal followers and feel connected strongly because of their interactions and years of online association. Hence there are different levels of friendship, and we should all have friends, whether online or those we meet physically because having friends bring meaning to our relationships and life. Marriage is the highest form of friendship. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “It is not the absence of love, but the absence of friendship that makes marriages unhappy.”

It is not the absence of love, but the absence of friendship that makes marriages unhappy.

So why do married couples fail at becoming friends and moving onto becoming soulmates? I would have thought the desire between a husband and wife should be to work at becoming soul mates because, indeed, that is marriage. The union of two hearts into one is marriage. If I ask you the question today, do you consider your spouse as a friend, soulmate, or housemate, what will your answer be? If you are honest with yourself, assess your marriage situation, and relationship between you and your spouse? We develop and nurture friendship over many platforms and for several years generally in life. The level of communication and openness affect the quality of the relationships we form. 

 So, what do friends do? Friends look out for each other; they help each other, support, and cheer for each other. 

Friends look out for each other; they help each other, support, and cheer for each other.

Good friends are loyal and accept us for who we are. My best friends know I can come to them anytime without the feeling of shame, ridicule, of judgment, no matter how terrible what I have done may look or sound. I know my inner caucus I can bare my all, and all they will do is find a solution and help me get out of any predicament I find myself. My husband, on the other, should be my soulmate, why? Because we are connected not only by physical intimacy but on a soulish level, and this should be the highest form of relationship that married couples should have. We should be able to confidently say my husband or my wife is my soulmate because we can see into each other and no part of us is hidden from each other. As married couples we ought to have physical connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection.

As married couples we ought to have physical connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection.

When these connections are missing or underdeveloped in any marriage relationship, it grows shallow instead of deeper and energies, attraction, and other passion flows to where we invest our friendship. The bond of friendship becomes more potent when we do what friends do. What do friends do, you may ask? One of the characteristics of friendship is time and commitment. Good friends spend quality time together. How much time in your daily schedule do you give to your spouse? Do you protect your time with your spouse, or do you share what is left after you have everyone else but your wife or husband? When couples do not preserve and understand the value of spending quality and meaningful time together, their friendship wanes bit by bit. No wonder things seem to change suddenly, and we wonder how it happened. Those daily unhealthy habits that compound and become a big gap between couples that do not spend time together to develop their friendship.

Good friends spend quality time together

A friendship develops when there is dignity in a relationship. I have not seen friends who vilify, ridicule, refuse to help or disgrace tier friends openly. Friends protect each other’s honour. True friends will let you know in private you messed up big time, there is no cover-up, and they will let you know if you are doing a wrong thing. However, they aim to correct you, help you, and support you as many times as possible to bring you out of any horrible situation and restore your honour. Oh, if husbands and wives can dignify each other, especially when they are not in agreement, in conflict or in misunderstandings. Remember, your spouse is one with you, your shame is their shame, your ridicule is their ridicule, and because of these, when couples engage in a nasty fight, they are unable to reconcile because of the damage done to themselves. Divorce sets in; they want to be separated from the other and would not want to associate with a person they have so shamed or ridicule.

Some couples are just housemates; they live together, sleep together and hook up for sex but have no depth of love or affection for each other.

Some couples are just housemates; they live together, sleep together and hook up for sex but have no depth of love or affection for each other. These types of couples are missing out on what it means to be married. They have resolved to live as a couple but not connected at the soulish level. What a pity, a waste, and a tragedy when the real benefits of becoming soulmates are missing in a marriage relationship.

Jesus, our model, shows us how to be one with our spouse. He said, if you have seen me, you have seen my father. My father and I are one; I am in my father and do what my father does. This is the level of intimacy that should be the goal and objectives of couples. When you become soulmates, deep friends and spiritually connected, you can say confidently; there is no storm we cannot ride together. 

7 Sign you may not be your partner’s soulmate yet.

  1. There is no public affection or display of love, 
  2. There is no confession of love.
  3. There is no sexual attraction.
  4. There is secrecy in your relationship.
  5. Some wounds never heal – unforgiveness. 
  6. There is an argumentative spirit.
  7. And they do not want to resolve differences. 

If anyone or more of these are present in your marriage, you can turn things around by working on becoming good friends. Do what friends do, spend time together, protect each other’s dignity, support each other’s and be your spouses best cheerleader. When there is a need to correct, do it as friends do, constructive criticism. Good friends don’t hold grudges; they forgive and never let arguments fester. How easily we achieve this with other friends than our spouse? It is because sometimes, we do not consider our spouse as friends. Please do not unfriend your spouse just because you are married, and if you do, you will soon become housemates. As couples, my hope and prayer are that you will value your spouse as a friend and move on to become soulmates and not housemates.

Are you longing for inspiration for your life and marriage? Learning new skills and acquiring knowledge can greatly improve your relationship with your spouse. When you know better, you can do better and make a big difference in your relationship. Subscribe to updates from Abi here!

Abi Apalara loves sharing insightful information that helps couples flourish in life and their marriage relationship. I have enjoyed both good marital pleasures and challenging times in my marriage. I came to realise, the points where I missed it, were areas I lacked information on how to.

Making it up along the way, only meant I was going the wrong way. Desperately seeking to get back into marital bliss, I started exploring and reading about those areas of challenge. I also reached out to counselors and began to see what I was missing.
After a surprising move into relationship study, I have found peace of mind and happy with my marriage. I have authored the book Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus realty to share my experience and encourage men and women to work on their
marriages, by seeking knowledge and apply it to their marriage relationship.


My latest book, Are you ready? Marriage expectation versus reality focuses on discovering some of the unrealistic expectations we bring into a marriage. It comes with practical advice and a guide on how to get it right before and after getting married. You can also preorder the book here